Personality Cafe banner

1 - 16 of 16 Posts

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,039 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I know I’ve touched on some of this before, but I would like to expound on it, because I think that it is extremely important.

Ni + Fe is a bizarre combination. I think it confuses us into believing that we are more introverted than we are. The more isolated that I became from the rest of the world the more I over stimulated my Ni, and my Fe felt neglected. I became more and more “book smart” and more and more lonely at the same time.

Now, I’m going to be blunt to those of you who are unhappy. (Sorry, but I think it’s for your own good.) The way that many of you think has nothing to do with your personality or who you are as a person. You are immature and unbalanced. I’m telling you this as a person who recently got out of this stage, and I want to help you get out of it.

Let me put it this way: Fe > Ni.

Your emotional well-being is more important than concepts and ideas. You are an EXTROVERTED feeler. You NEED to let lose and have fun with people. You should also be there for them when they are in need. This is extremely important for your health and happiness. I have nothing against Ni at all. If you want to use it to write a novel in your spare time, knock yourself out. BUT when you are around people who value common sense more than book smarts, you need to learn to use common sense and quit demonizing these types of people.

I know what you’re thinking, “Why should I be nice to these people when they are so mean to me?” Well, I’ll tell you….

Most of them are mean to you because they think you are “weird”. The way that extroverts, especially Se’s, communicate is not a “game”, and it is not “superficial” to them. It is a way of life. It is a very big and important part of their lives. They NEED to talk as much as you NEED to think. You have to communicate with them on a level that they can understand. It should not make you feel like a “sell-out”. You should think of it kind of like you are speaking a different language.

Consider this scenario:

Let’s say Snoop Dogg needs to communicate with my grandmother. If he said, “Fo rizzle, my nizzle.”- my grandmother would not understand what he means. There is no reason for Snoop Dogg to feel like a sell-out to old white people just because he is speaking in a language that they can understand.

This is also true for Ni’s communicating with Se’s. We are outnumbered. In their mind, the way they communicate is “normal”. If you show off how “deep” and book smart you are in front of people who are not book smart or deep, you will have two possible reactions:

1. They will be impressed with how smart you are, and they won’t know what you’re talking about.
2. They will think you are pretentious.

So, I think it is important for us to play by their rules. We need to watch our body language too, because that is how they read people. I ALSO think it is important to learn to enjoy communicating this way. We can be “deep” on our own time or with like-minded individuals. And finally, about the S/N difference…

Don’t use MBTI as an excuse for not doing or learning to do things that need to be done. If you ignore too many “little things”, it will turn into a “big thing”. I’m telling you this as an overweight person who spent too much time trying to save the world in his head instead of exercising. Nowadays, I exercise everyday, and my thinking has become less global. I concentrate more on individuals now, and I feel happier. My inner monologue whispers encouragement to me now that I feel like I have a realistic purpose. I feel like everything is going to be ok after all.

I hope this helps. Have a great day. I will see you next week.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,869 Posts
Next week? Does this mean you are going on another weeklong hiatus? You should at least stick around for a little bit before taking another hiatus. Just my opinion. :p

Anyway, good to see you back with this post. I've been realizing a lot of similar things this past year - how important physical appearances are to many around me, even those I barely know.

I exercise for my own wellbeing because i find that often, when i am physically fit, i am emotionally and mentally fit. But on the side, I also keep up my appearances when I go out, because those around me HEAVILY read people based on my appearance and my body language, like you wrote. I confirmed this in my interactions with my mother this year - ESFP. So now, I always put on a little make up and make the extra effort to go out in something good. It has no difference for me really, but it makes a difference I guess in how most people perceive me. I also make more of an effort to use body language in a positive way, although I'd rather not force this out of me.

I've noticed that it's sensors who are the first to pick up on these things (esp. after I develop a friendship with them and find out their type). I haven't quite figure out everything yet, but I notice this especially if I go out on days where i feel a bit frazzled and "out of it." Most of my intuitive friends don't mind - they just make fun of me later that I was in my own world, up in the clouds. But sensors seem to literally "sniff" this kind of vibe from me and look at me strangely. :(
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
402 Posts
yes. I am luckily not surrounded by them usually.. but when I am by some they actually notice many, many things and regard them as how they were taught.. such as hiding my face in public is "rude"... u.u and a lot of my mannerisms, I guess that I adopt naturally by being placed with people, are very strange to others.
I sort of have had cycles (lasting for months); one where I feel fulfillment, which is when I am alone and digging deeper into myself.. and then when I am put in social situations (school, ect. but I am independently studying this year) I feel just blurry or in shock? or maybe nothingness.. and then I am highly influenced by their negativity and thoughts, and I become "eating disordered" when I get this to avoid ill feelings :unsure:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
174 Posts
This just knocked me off my feet. I am very happy to have read this post:happy:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
378 Posts
Yes I've been realising this too, I need a consistent balance of social interaction to be happy but I hate being so relationship oriented for an introvert. Ever since I left school I've been really reclusive, even oddly missing the crappy small talk I couldn't stand in my group at school. It's easier in the moment to get out a book or my ipod and tune everyone out, but I'm left saddened by how I've let myself get to the point where I'm alienating my social needs. Fe + social anxiety=prevalent loneliness. It's funny how you mention the possibility of coming across pretentious bc I often don't voice my opinions or ideas for fear of coming across that way. It's also true that I have to pay more attention to my body language.. I try to respect people's personal space perhaps too much and instead come across lethargic or unapproachable (head down, slouched shoulders, arms crossed, lack of smiling). Even greeting people feels awkward. It's hard to get my head around the fact that I am not intruding and most people just say whatever's on their mind so unselfconsciously, they probably wouldn't analyze my possible mishaps to the insane degree I would.

I often wish I was a T bc at least then I could immerse myself in more solitary activities and receive a more complete sense of gratification out of being book smart instead of being so dependent on other people. I get frustrated at sensors but I try not to blame or "demonise" them, at least I don't think I do this more than they'd consider me weird. The truth is I want to be able to get on their wavelength but I have no idea how and what to say. The only thing I know how to do is steer convo into areas which interest me, and somehow I convince myself this is too personal for your typical chatty get to know you session. There are only a few topics that cover a comfortable middle ground in my experience.

I know the problem is something I have to take responsibility for if I choose to brood over it without taking action, but yeah like slider said, no one can make me unless I'm ready. I'd rather be miserable alone than feel left out with other people unless one day my head feels severed enough from the spooks of reality to cave and give it shot.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
89 Posts
SPOOK i totally have the lethargic thing in social situations too...i dont even know why i do that anymore, but its such a powerful habit..maybe some sort of defense mechanism.

i was hanging out with this young teenage brother of my friends husband once and we were just chatting, and he made an interesting observation...he told me he never knew when i was about to laugh when i did...which is basically another way of saying i didnt look very natural at all, and i probably wasnt, i didnt have anything in common with him so i was laughing at his lame jokes by choice just to make him and myself feel more comfortable.

I have a mountain of trouble stimulating interest in people and being resourceful in coming up with the small talk i need to satiate my extroverted feeling, an to this day i've yet to find a happy medium socially. Either im dizzy and overwhelmed by too many people, or comepletely alone and wanting a friend or two.

I really like this thread either way, its prompting me to think about what i need to DO about it, instead of just wondering why things are the way they are.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
402 Posts
I try to respect people's personal space perhaps too much and instead come across lethargic or unapproachable (head down, slouched shoulders, arms crossed, lack of smiling). Even greeting people feels awkward. It's hard to get my head around the fact that I am not intruding and most people just say whatever's on their mind so unselfconsciously, they probably wouldn't analyze my possible mishaps to the insane degree I would.

I often wish I was a T bc at least then I could immerse myself in more solitary activities and receive a more complete sense of gratification out of being book smart instead of being so dependent on other people. I get frustrated at sensors but I try not to blame or "demonise" them, at least I don't think I do this more than they'd consider me weird. The truth is I want to be able to get on their wavelength but I have no idea how and what to say.
me too, always. you post a lot of things I can relate to, as it's nice to have a thought verbalized... even though they're mostly parallell to me.. it makes them intertwine for a moment

it seems that I have illusioned myself into having qualities of a T... because my ideal self is incredibly sage-like too.. and I wish I didn't care about human interaction and I wish I weren't so fragile, I really do.

with the lethargic things in conversations, it came close to explaining what I have with them.. but I don't know what it is
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
378 Posts
SPOOK i totally have the lethargic thing in social situations too...i dont even know why i do that anymore, but its such a powerful habit..maybe some sort of defense mechanism.

i was hanging out with this young teenage brother of my friends husband once and we were just chatting, and he made an interesting observation...he told me he never knew when i was about to laugh when i did...which is basically another way of saying i didnt look very natural at all, and i probably wasnt, i didnt have anything in common with him so i was laughing at his lame jokes by choice just to make him and myself feel more comfortable.


I have a mountain of trouble stimulating interest in people and being resourceful in coming up with the small talk i need to satiate my extroverted feeling, an to this day i've yet to find a happy medium socially. Either im dizzy and overwhelmed by too many people, or comepletely alone and wanting a friend or two.


.
Yes looking unnatural describes it well, I always feel kind of stiff and strained when trying to be spontaneous.. other people have low energy too but they come across more 'chill' and 'easygoing' when laughing along, like an IxxP vibe which I'm not adaptable enough to mimic. It reminds me of how infjs are kind of bad liars, we tighten our defense mechanisms bc some incongruent feelings can seem so transparent and that makes us uncomfortable. If you compared the difference between when I'm genuinely engaged in a convo and when I can't relate/am disinterested, the contrast is pretty stark and you might be surprised it was the same person. Some people are more consistent with expressing a steadier stream of thought through a variety of interactions, but infjs seem to spend more time absorbing everything so that when we do choose to express it to a select few, we fear coming across too fragile or intense and might pass off a rare opportunity.

When other people notice disconnected vibes and respond accordingly, I begin to feel not only trapped within myself, but trapped within their perception of me. I noticed that I'm most effective coming out of my shell when somebody ignores how I am commonly perceived and tries to get to know me anyway. For so long I have been passively dependent on others being my social catalyst rather than taking the initiative to steer the conversation and exert my own influence.

I'm just going to have to accept that I can't verbalise things as fluently as I can think them.. it's not like everyone else can either, but it doesn't stop them from trying. And yes the bolded exactly describes my situation too, thanks. Regarding what the op said about us being less introverted than we think, it seems we gain fulfillment from exploring more extraverted subjects than other innies but may still be drained and overwhelmed to the same extent, leading to this angstier than usual Ni / Fe conflict. Anyway helps to know I'm not alone... until the next episode ahah.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
378 Posts
it seems that I have illusioned myself into having qualities of a T... because my ideal self is incredibly sage-like too.. and I wish I didn't care about human interaction and I wish I weren't so fragile, I really do.
Yeah bc there's a sage-like element to seeing through emotional attachment and chasing after unfulfilled desires. The difference is balanced people can be in other people's presence without holding on too tight or feeling perturbed enough to push them away. It's not easy having these inner conflicts but the fragility of being sensitive can be a positive means to finetuning how we can have more openhearted boundaries.
 
1 - 16 of 16 Posts
Top