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I don't know since when I stop trusting people. Never tell them stories. Because I know all they want from me is to listen to their story. I have tried to talk my problem to them, but they just give short common advice, when I'm trying my best to give best solution to their problem, try to feel what they also feel. So everytime I'm sad I cry alone, I don't want to become burden for anyone. I don't want to show I'm weak because I know this world don't have any place for weak person. I put a mask. I imitate my happy-friend behaviour, even I don't feel the same, everywhere, in real life, even in facebook or twitter, I always keep my real lonely and depressed feelings hidden. If I never write this down, nobody in this world knows I'm actually really sensitive and easily bothered by others and lonely. I hate myself. My mom called me an avengeful person, she said my big sister is very carefree, even my mom get mad at my sister, she eventually come give my mom a hug but in my case I was mad I don't like talking with her.

Even we are only one year separated, why are we so different. My sister can say anything she wants, openly, sometimes she doesn't realize she said hurtful things, but seconds later she said something funny that makes my hateful heart sway again. She has lots of friend, she is friendly, funny, charming and pretty. Well, I can just say my personality was caused because my mom is very strict and always yell at me even in public ever since I was a little, I also blame that anime has brainwashed me. I like to watch anime when I was a little. Later I realize watching it gives bad mental health impact. That kind of stuff like "nobody understand me" "I don't care what anybody think" "I don't need anyone" "I can always win if I put my effort even a little" , those unrealistic brain washing sentence, I can blame it all. But deep down, I know it is not external factor fault. Lot of people watch anime, but some was not interested, some like it but didn't get any weird effect, some becomes more gloomy. Just like me. So I fully realize it was just me. Why do I attracted to sad things anyway? I'm the one who is dysfunctional.

I will also write my emotion development. In kindergarten, I often play alone, like watching a volcano made from dirt, detergent, and vinegar. Or see how sun can burn the paper by using magnifier. Looking at the wash basin with colorful oil mixed with the bubbly soap. I don't care having friend or not. But when the teacher asks us "who is your best friend?" And nobody pick me, I feel a little bit sad.
In elementary school, I don't have much friend. I prefer drawing and writing stories. I don't know how to care for other. I was so surprised when I get birthday present from a girl I'm not very close with.
In junior high school, I still like drawing, I like showing off my skills, and this was the time my childishness leaked out like crazy. I'm selfish, self centered, I do care about other feelings. But I can only give them advice if they tell me the story, I can't read people mind. I also act shy, and keep my head down, I don't want people meet my eye. Could you imagine that kind of person?
At senior high school, maybe people are too tired to spoilt me. Once, the whole class becomes enemy and won't talk to me, except two girls and the boys. It was because I ruined my classmate hard work and I don't apologise. I don't know how to properly say sorry or thank you. And I'm scared of them too. I feel like I'm lack of common sense.
Another time, my girls tell me they don't like me because I'm too arrogant, complain a lot, etc etc, and I have to change. How it felt like to be attacked by your best friends? Omg remembering their words makes my eyes teared again. I mean how can they looked just happy when we hang out together (they are my play mates, even I still prefer to play with 1 friend usually) but they actually harbour many bitter feeling about me. It really hurt but thanks to them, I know my minus point. That's when I change drastically. I say what I don't mean. I don't express what I feel, I become much quieter knowing I can accidentally slipped a hurtful words. That's when I start to put a mask, I imitate my happy friend behaviour.

Please I want to become someone else. I hate myself. I can't find any good quality in me.
I am easily get hurt and I can't talk back to whomever hurt me. I feel so stupid. I always lost. I always shocked and can't find any word to talk back. Some of my friend can say "easy boy" and make things become a joke. But I'm too shocked and hurt I was just become silent.
I feel so weak and crybaby, I can be easily touched and cry by anything. I'm so weak and not strong at all. But at the same time I'm very arrogant, I can but I don't like hang out with boring people, even those boring people have a nice and caring heart, I feel uncomfortable around them. I also don't want to hang out with those popular girls who hang around everywhere because I don't feel comfortable around them too.

Is there anyone else with more miserable personality out there. Have you ever talk and scream to yourself in the mirror, alone? Or am I just crazy?

I want to change myself. What can I do first?
 

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You sound a bit like me when I was younger. I wonder if you are an INFP too.

A lot of this self-hate isn't because you are a bad person or any less lovable than anyone else. It is because you have very high standards for yourself and everyone else. You notice when people say hurtful things, and think it is unfair that they can get away with it because you have a very idealistic sense of the way the world should work. Your high standards make it difficult for you to relax and love yourself, I think. You think you are bad but you will find that people will think you are very, very morally good.

I can't say that I have gotten 100% better and I never think "I suck and no one loves me" and "I am always pretending to be happy when I'm not because no one wants to listen to me when I'm sad." However, it has gotten better as I get older. It will get better!

1. I realized that people do love me. I have friends who will help me when I need them to. You do too. There are lots of people who love you and want to help you when you really need them. Ask to borrow a pencil. Ask for an important favor.

2. Sometimes people are "mean" unintentionally. You have to forgive the times when they are accidentally rude--sometimes they are busy and they don't think. This does not make them bad people. This makes them normal people. Sometimes people are busy. This doesn't mean they don't care. They will care when they know it is serious.

3. I write a lot. Writing in a PerC blog or the forums is great because people here are nice and give you feedback and show that they care. :3 It is true that I complain a lot, and I realize it makes other people unhappy, so I write down my complaints and put them away or I do something about them. It is true that I seem arrogant, but that is because people don't know me, not because I actually am.

I mean, that's just me. But maybe this is true for you too?

4. You are special! You sound like an INFP. Not being able to talk clearly and spontaneously is an INFP weakness--but they make up for it by being one of the most intelligent types, one of the rarest types, one of the most creative, and excellent writers. INFP are attracted to sadness and lots of people think it is strange and do not get it. It does not make it wrong. It just seems strange because there are so few INFP in the world, we always seem a little strange.

You have to love yourself by lowering your standards and letting yourself and other people make mistakes sometimes. You have to stop comparing yourself to other people, because you are right, you are unique and different from the majority. That does not make you wrong or bad.

I hope this helped.
 

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warning: I may be wrong on all fronts. Please take with grain of salt.

I don't know since when I stop trusting people. Never tell them stories. Because I know all they want from me is to listen to their story.
So your distrust would be based on the assumption that the people around you prefer you as the listener instead of the other way around?

I have tried to talk my problem to them, but they just give short common advice, when I'm trying my best to give best solution to their problem, try to feel what they also feel. So everytime I'm sad I cry alone, I don't want to become burden for anyone.
- So they may not be the best at understanding you or showing affection. Sometimes when you've built relationships around having yourself as the listener people become trapped in the habit and expect little else.

How would you define "being a burden" ?
What would be the opposite of this?
Would you be fine as long as the other person seemed interested in your problems? (Plenty of folk with a voyeuristic streak around who'd probably enjoy it :p)
Is free counseling readily available where you are?

I don't want to show I'm weak because I know this world don't have any place for weak person.
IMO, showing weakness doesn't necessarily equate to being a weak person without any other strengths to speak of, or being a weak person forever.

-What is weakness in this case? being sensitive? (Pros: leads to greater compassion / Cons: more easily bothered by others)
-Why do you think "this world don't have any place for weak person"? Where did it come from? Have others discouraged you from it?
- When other people talk about their problems to you, would you classify that as "showing that they're weak" ? If so, do you disapprove of them, or not at all?


I put a mask. I imitate my happy-friend behaviour, even I don't feel the same, everywhere, in real life, even in facebook or twitter, I always keep my real lonely and depressed feelings hidden.
What would cause you to not feel lonely? What would you like from relationships (platonic or not) in general?
Does avoidance of showing your real feelings contribute to your depression / loneliness, or not at all?

My mom called me an avengeful person, she said my big sister is very carefree, even my mom get mad at my sister, she eventually come give my mom a hug but in my case I was mad I don't like talking with her.
When you are mad, do you avoid talking to your mom as a form of revenge against your mom? If this is untrue, then she has likely misunderstood you. Vengefulness =/= easily getting moody & withdrawn.
(Have you explained your actions?)

Name calling, when directed at the person who the blame is cast on is usually an expression of an unmet need.
e.g. if she is unhappy because she'd like hugs from you too, then all you have to believe is that she is unhappy because she'd like hugs from you too.


Even we are only one year separated, why are we so different. My sister can say anything she wants, openly, sometimes she doesn't realize she said hurtful things, but seconds later she said something funny that makes my hateful heart sway again. She has lots of friend, she is friendly, funny, charming and pretty.
This comparison may be unhelpful. You have your right to be a unique person.
Your sister sounds like she is less sensitive (Pros: can say anything she wants, openly // Cons: More callous and doesn't realize she said hurtful things) Is there anything you'd like from her that she could maybe teach you?


Well, I can just say my personality was caused because my mom is very strict and always yell at me even in public ever since I was a little, I also blame that anime has brainwashed me. I like to watch anime when I was a little. Later I realize watching it gives bad mental health impact. That kind of stuff like "nobody understand me" "I don't care what anybody think" "I don't need anyone" "I can always win if I put my effort even a little" , those unrealistic brain washing sentence, I can blame it all. But deep down, I know it is not external factor fault. Lot of people watch anime, but some was not interested, some like it but didn't get any weird effect, some becomes more gloomy. Just like me. So I fully realize it was just me. Why do I attracted to sad things anyway? I'm the one who is dysfunctional.
People's values change all the time. You'll probably think you believed in the wrong things a couple years from now in comparison to today. I don't see the problem in having taken in beliefs that you now agree with less.

What makes being attracted to sad things bad?

I will also write my emotion development. In kindergarten, I often play alone, like watching a volcano made from dirt, detergent, and vinegar. Or see how sun can burn the paper by using magnifier. Looking at the wash basin with colorful oil mixed with the bubbly soap. I don't care having friend or not. But when the teacher asks us "who is your best friend?" And nobody pick me, I feel a little bit sad.
In elementary school, I don't have much friend. I prefer drawing and writing stories. I don't know how to care for other. I was so surprised when I get birthday present from a girl I'm not very close with.
In junior high school, I still like drawing, I like showing off my skills, and this was the time my childishness leaked out like crazy. I'm selfish, self centered, I do care about other feelings. But I can only give them advice if they tell me the story, I can't read people mind. I also act shy, and keep my head down, I don't want people meet my eye. Could you imagine that kind of person?

Please I want to become someone else. I hate myself. I can't find any good quality in me.
Is that true? What do you deem as good? I've seen you offer to listen to other people's troubles and I thought that was nice.

I feel so weak and crybaby, I can be easily touched and cry by anything. I'm so weak and not strong at all. But at the same time I'm very arrogant, I can but I don't like hang out with boring people, even those boring people have a nice and caring heart, I feel uncomfortable around them. I also don't want to hang out with those popular girls who hang around everywhere because I don't feel comfortable around them too.
Not wanting to interact with people who you're not interested in interacting with =/= arrogance, unless you think you're better than them in every way by not being boring.
Would finding people with common hobbies elevate their status to not-boring? Is there a set criteria for the types of people who you wish to interact with? Are the requirements realistic? If not, which ones would you be most willing to alter?

Is there anyone else with more miserable personality out there. Have you ever talk and scream to yourself in the mirror, alone? Or am I just crazy?
Don't worry, you'll never be crazy on your own.
*note to self: remember to scream at mirror.

I want to change myself. What can I do first?
Could you write yourself a full, comprehensive list of what you'd like to change, evaluate whether your goals are realistic, write down the issues that hold you back from changing each aspect, proceed to research how each point can be achieved, and then find someone who you trust to go over the list with you?
 
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Please I want to become someone else. I hate myself. I can't find any good quality in me.
God put good qualities in every person, so you have them. It just takes time to find out what they are.

But at the same time I'm very arrogant, I can but I don't like hang out with boring people, even those boring people have a nice and caring heart, I feel uncomfortable around them. I also don't want to hang out with those popular girls who hang around everywhere because I don't feel comfortable around them too.
I was very arrogant in High School. Later in life, I learned that my arrogance was a shield so I did not have to get close to people who intimidated me. A fear of people can breed arrogance, because we try to shore up our own insecurities.

Is there anyone else with more miserable personality out there. Have you ever talk and scream to yourself in the mirror, alone? Or am I just crazy?

I want to change myself. What can I do first?
I'm a totally different person than I was in High School. I'm almost 180 degrees different. I used to have anger problems, I was prideful, arrogant, and hateful.

I'll be honest and just say God changed me. Our insecurities, he can carry them. Our negatives qualities, he drowns them out with love. When we see ourselves negatively, he reminds us that we're his children, and have a seat at his heavenly table. We're faultless in his eyes. That no matter what happens in this life, he welcomes us.

We have to choose to know him, though.
 

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I'm on the same boat..I want to transform myself and don't want to be the same person I've been for quarter century. Now, I'm trying to figure out who i exactly am and why am I different in certain ways and how am I different -to move on and become who I want to be. I'm mainly trying to do this by reading various books, and couple has been somewhat therapeutic. Here are some suggestions:

To know myself better:

1. How To Stubbornly Refuse To Make Yourself Miserable About Anything, Yes Anything , by Albert Ellis

Dr. Ellis argues that not only are anger, anxiety and depression unnecessary, they are unethical--for when one allows emotional disturbances, he or she is being unfair and unjust to his/herself.
How it helped?
-I realized how many 'musts' and 'shoulds' we use in everyday life. This is very damaging. From shoulds and musts comes heartbreak, heartache, depression, and unfulfillment. Those two words have immense power in our lives, and Dr Albert Eliis shows the reader how. If you're a psychology student, the name should be very familiar.


-Neurosis and Human Growth: The Struggle Towards Self-Realization
by Karen Horney, Jeffrey Rubin (Foreword by), Stephanie Steinfeld (Foreword by)Neurosis and Human Growth, by Karen Horney.


In Neurosis and Human Growth, Dr. Horney discusses the neurotic process as a special form of the human development, the antithesis of healthy growth. She unfolds the different stages of this situation, describing neurotic claims, the tyranny or inner dictates and the neurotic's solutions for relieving the tensions of conflict in such emotional attitudes as domination, self-effacement, dependency, or resignation. Throughout, she outlines with penetrating insight the forces that work for and against the person's realization of his or her potentialities.

This 40th Anniversary Edition includes a new preface by Stephanie Steinfeld, Ph.D., and Jeffrey Rubin, M.D., of the American Institute for Psychoanalysis
How it helped-
-I'm currently reading it, and it's blowing my mind. It's like reading my biography..and that means it's not a good thing because it means I'm highly Neurotic. Untangling my neurosis will take me years before I can grow as a person.
I realized all the childhood trauma and anxiety doesn't magically disappear, but it changes places and faces..it shuffles around, and in adulthood it can show up in different intensities and forms. The only way is to understand what happened..identifying cause and consequences, and as well as its transformations before moving on with self-improvement.


To live better:

-A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy by William B. Irvine

One of the great fears many of us face is that despite all our effort and striving, we will discover at the end that we have wasted our life. In A Guide to the Good Life, William B. Irvine plumbs the wisdom of Stoic philosophy, one of the most popular and successful schools of thought in ancient Rome, and shows how its insight and advice are still remarkably applicable to modern lives.
In A Guide to the Good Life, Irvine offers a refreshing presentation of Stoicism, showing how this ancient philosophy can still direct us toward a better life. Using the psychological insights and the practical techniques of the Stoics, Irvine offers a roadmap for anyone seeking to avoid the feelings of chronic dissatisfaction that plague so many of us. Irvine looks at various Stoic techniques for attaining tranquility and shows how to put these techniques to work in our own life. As he does so, he describes his own experiences practicing Stoicism and offers valuable first-hand advice for anyone wishing to live better by following in the footsteps of these ancient philosophers. Readers learn how to minimize worry, how to let go of the past and focus our efforts on the things we can control, and how to deal with insults, grief, old age, and the distracting temptations of fame and fortune. We learn from Marcus Aurelius the importance of prizing only things of true value, and from Epictetus we learn how to be more content with what we have.
Finally, A Guide to the Good Life shows readers how to become thoughtful observers of their own life. If we watch ourselves as we go about our daily business and later reflect on what we saw, we can better identify the sources of distress and eventually avoid that pain in our life. By doing this, the Stoics thought, we can hope to attain a truly joyful life
How it helped-
-It really put things into perspective..on what matters, how to get it with minimal pain. Stoic living is my ideal lifestyle. After I untangle myself from this toxic neurotic state, this will be my lifestyle.


-Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life by Jon Kabat-Zinn

The time-honored national bestseller, updated with a new afterword, celebrating 10 years of influencing the way we live.When Wherever You Go, There You Are was first published in 1994, no one could have predicted that the book would launch itself onto bestseller lists nationwide and sell over 750,000 copies to date. Ten years later, the book continues to change lives. In honor of the book's 10th anniversary, Hyperion is proud to be releasing the book with a new afterword by the author, and to share this wonderful book with an even larger audience.
How it helped-
Well, I wouldn't be alive if it was not for this book. Throughout high school I was highly depressed and suicidal. If it wasn't for this book I wouldn't be here. It forced me to drop everything, destructive thoughts and dark thoughts that clouded every second of my life. I guess today it can keep things at peace until I fix myself slowly.


Keep in mind I'm not better at this moment. I need years of untangling my dark self before I can be who I really want to be.

If you're interested in any of the books mentioned, feel free to pm me. I have the ebook versions of all those titles and would love to give you a copy and help out.
 

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I don't know since when I stop trusting people. Never tell them stories. Because I know all they want from me is to listen to their story. I have tried to talk my problem to them, but they just give short common advice, when I'm trying my best to give best solution to their problem, try to feel what they also feel. So everytime I'm sad I cry alone, I don't want to become burden for anyone. I don't want to show I'm weak because I know this world don't have any place for weak person. I put a mask. I imitate my happy-friend behaviour, even I don't feel the same, everywhere, in real life, even in facebook or twitter, I always keep my real lonely and depressed feelings hidden. If I never write this down, nobody in this world knows I'm actually really sensitive and easily bothered by others and lonely. I hate myself. My mom called me an avengeful person, she said my big sister is very carefree, even my mom get mad at my sister, she eventually come give my mom a hug but in my case I was mad I don't like talking with her.

Even we are only one year separated, why are we so different. My sister can say anything she wants, openly, sometimes she doesn't realize she said hurtful things, but seconds later she said something funny that makes my hateful heart sway again. She has lots of friend, she is friendly, funny, charming and pretty. Well, I can just say my personality was caused because my mom is very strict and always yell at me even in public ever since I was a little, I also blame that anime has brainwashed me. I like to watch anime when I was a little. Later I realize watching it gives bad mental health impact. That kind of stuff like "nobody understand me" "I don't care what anybody think" "I don't need anyone" "I can always win if I put my effort even a little" , those unrealistic brain washing sentence, I can blame it all. But deep down, I know it is not external factor fault. Lot of people watch anime, but some was not interested, some like it but didn't get any weird effect, some becomes more gloomy. Just like me. So I fully realize it was just me. Why do I attracted to sad things anyway? I'm the one who is dysfunctional.

I will also write my emotion development. In kindergarten, I often play alone, like watching a volcano made from dirt, detergent, and vinegar. Or see how sun can burn the paper by using magnifier. Looking at the wash basin with colorful oil mixed with the bubbly soap. I don't care having friend or not. But when the teacher asks us "who is your best friend?" And nobody pick me, I feel a little bit sad.
In elementary school, I don't have much friend. I prefer drawing and writing stories. I don't know how to care for other. I was so surprised when I get birthday present from a girl I'm not very close with.
In junior high school, I still like drawing, I like showing off my skills, and this was the time my childishness leaked out like crazy. I'm selfish, self centered, I do care about other feelings. But I can only give them advice if they tell me the story, I can't read people mind. I also act shy, and keep my head down, I don't want people meet my eye. Could you imagine that kind of person?
At senior high school, maybe people are too tired to spoilt me. Once, the whole class becomes enemy and won't talk to me, except two girls and the boys. It was because I ruined my classmate hard work and I don't apologise. I don't know how to properly say sorry or thank you. And I'm scared of them too. I feel like I'm lack of common sense.
Another time, my girls tell me they don't like me because I'm too arrogant, complain a lot, etc etc, and I have to change. How it felt like to be attacked by your best friends? Omg remembering their words makes my eyes teared again. I mean how can they looked just happy when we hang out together (they are my play mates, even I still prefer to play with 1 friend usually) but they actually harbour many bitter feeling about me. It really hurt but thanks to them, I know my minus point. That's when I change drastically. I say what I don't mean. I don't express what I feel, I become much quieter knowing I can accidentally slipped a hurtful words. That's when I start to put a mask, I imitate my happy friend behaviour.

Please I want to become someone else. I hate myself. I can't find any good quality in me.
I am easily get hurt and I can't talk back to whomever hurt me. I feel so stupid. I always lost. I always shocked and can't find any word to talk back. Some of my friend can say "easy boy" and make things become a joke. But I'm too shocked and hurt I was just become silent.
I feel so weak and crybaby, I can be easily touched and cry by anything. I'm so weak and not strong at all. But at the same time I'm very arrogant, I can but I don't like hang out with boring people, even those boring people have a nice and caring heart, I feel uncomfortable around them. I also don't want to hang out with those popular girls who hang around everywhere because I don't feel comfortable around them too.

Is there anyone else with more miserable personality out there. Have you ever talk and scream to yourself in the mirror, alone? Or am I just crazy?

I want to change myself. What can I do first?
I wouldn't read the contents, It seems the tittle is enough..

Sorry bout that.

And here is my answer.

If you want too, Then change yourself. People have freedom to do things their way ONLY in one condition and It is you are not allowed to hurt/offend whatsoever anyone..

Cause Change is positive and Downgrade is negative so if you are hurting anyone you're not changing you are downgrading. ^^

Hope that helps.

Ps. My answer is ITS YOUR CHOICE. ^^
 
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