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Now I know for sure that God hates me, and I hate Him back for this living hell I'm in.

I'm 31, no job, school is uncertain because of the virus, no partner, no close friends. I'd been in and out of college since 2005 because of depression. The doctors and their meds didn't help. One even told me I'll never be happy, and our priority is to find activities for me to pass the time. Unfortunately, that doctor was right and worse, I don't feel any pleasure in any activity. The meds majorly fucked up my brain and physical health, I even have asthma now when I didn't before, and I'd gained almost 30 pounds since being diagnosed with depression.

The doctors wouldn't give me an Asperger's/ high functioning autism diagnosis until an incident at school made the explanation absolutely necessary. Not that it would change how I'm treated anywhere, it just barely saved me from being kicked out. It's all a cruel joke because there are no experts for my condition here anyway, and I'm treated just like any patient with major depression. I became a Christian at that time, I was convinced by my friends' testimonies but for me, nothing changed. I did not get healed, my broken family did not mend, and I ended up getting kicked out of school again anyway. I lost all my friends and everything I worked hard for. I got kicked out of school four times and had to drop out voluntarily once. The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away.

I try to participate in groups, but feel left out. I love, but I am not loved back. My friends call me too vanilla. I wonder if they're still my friends. I can't stand it anymore. Trends change too fast and in a meaner direction. I feel like a childish boomer. I never learn or mature. I just watch all my friends and colleagues pass me by. I can't relate to them, and they can't relate to me. I'm there for them when they need somebody, but they're not there for me when I need help. What a cruel joke this is. I know I'm just that person people talk to when nobody else is around, when their preferred friend isn't around. I was never first choice. Nobody wants me. They just tolerate me. I don't belong anywhere at all.

I hate this. I hate my life. I hate myself and I wish I would die. Seriously, who would want to be such a useless person? I want to kill my brain. My heart has been broken so many times, I wish I didn't have one. If God had any mercy, I'd have died at birth. I wouldn't wish my life on my worst enemy. But God and the world are just watching there, laughing at me while I fail at everything I try and lose everything I value. Don't even pretend to like me. I know you just find me amusing, and then you'll move on and forget all about me.

They're all just laughing...
 

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I spent much of my life like this. Now I'm older and I think I'm finally figuring out a few things.

For one thing, it was a mistake (for me) to try to fit in socially, or at work, or just about anywhere.

Socially, I now just smile and say hello, and don't even try to participate. I know that trying to be sociable will just make me feel bad. I'm also fine with the fact that I can't relate to most individuals. Even if I like or admire them, the dynamic will be off somehow. I do have one real-life local friend. She accepts me, and my Ne comes out to play with her. Feels good!

In work.... I was in an isolated place and figured out how to make a living online. I had customers who respected me and valued what I had to offer. I could work when and how I wanted, without being judged or pressured.

In romance... I went on a dating site (not for the first time) and wrote about my strange history, lifestyle, etc. I posted a bad-hair, no-makeup photo. Now I'm being approached by men who also have interesting lives. They like me because I'm different and they're looking for someone unique. In the past I would have tried to appear "normal," beautiful, etc., and ended up with someone incompatible.

The point I'm trying to make is that you need to learn what you like and need, and build on that. If you're not good at being a student or finding friends, maybe there is something else you can do that will bring some meaning or joy to your life. A physical or creative activity, a home business, even a wild idea like walking across the country.

Sometimes there's no point in playing "their" game, if you will only lose. Figure out your own game. Good luck!
 

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The world can be a truly tragic place full of the most horrific sufferings beyond our imagination. In the twentieth century, millions of people died, their bodies sprawled across the Earth, their blood soaked into the soil. Many are born deaf, blind, brought up in damaged families, rejected, rebuked, hated, or ignored.

Yes, this is true, for life is suffering, but there is meaning in the suffering! Only through tragedy can one emerge victorious! Only through great suffering can one know great pleasure! No great deed was truly done, nor great beauty formed without struggle!

You have failed and fallen but now stand up! Things could be worse! One bit at a time, take the chaos in your life and form order! Order your surroundings! Order your life! Avoid those who are naysayers! Start small, for no man is self-made, no tree grew to be tall in an hour or a day. Listen, learn, read, fail, grow. Do not lose faith. Do not lose hope. G-d has entrusted you with yourself.
 

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Now I know for sure that God hates me, and I hate Him back for this living hell I'm in.

I'm 31, no job, school is uncertain because of the virus, no partner, no close friends. I'd been in and out of college since 2005 because of depression. The doctors and their meds didn't help. One even told me I'll never be happy, and our priority is to find activities for me to pass the time. Unfortunately, that doctor was right and worse, I don't feel any pleasure in any activity. The meds majorly fucked up my brain and physical health, I even have asthma now when I didn't before, and I'd gained almost 30 pounds since being diagnosed with depression.

The doctors wouldn't give me an Asperger's/ high functioning autism diagnosis until an incident at school made the explanation absolutely necessary. Not that it would change how I'm treated anywhere, it just barely saved me from being kicked out. It's all a cruel joke because there are no experts for my condition here anyway, and I'm treated just like any patient with major depression. I became a Christian at that time, I was convinced by my friends' testimonies but for me, nothing changed. I did not get healed, my broken family did not mend, and I ended up getting kicked out of school again anyway. I lost all my friends and everything I worked hard for. I got kicked out of school four times and had to drop out voluntarily once. The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away.

I try to participate in groups, but feel left out. I love, but I am not loved back. My friends call me too vanilla. I wonder if they're still my friends. I can't stand it anymore. Trends change too fast and in a meaner direction. I feel like a childish boomer. I never learn or mature. I just watch all my friends and colleagues pass me by. I can't relate to them, and they can't relate to me. I'm there for them when they need somebody, but they're not there for me when I need help. What a cruel joke this is. I know I'm just that person people talk to when nobody else is around, when their preferred friend isn't around. I was never first choice. Nobody wants me. They just tolerate me. I don't belong anywhere at all.

I hate this. I hate my life. I hate myself and I wish I would die. Seriously, who would want to be such a useless person? I want to kill my brain. My heart has been broken so many times, I wish I didn't have one. If God had any mercy, I'd have died at birth. I wouldn't wish my life on my worst enemy. But God and the world are just watching there, laughing at me while I fail at everything I try and lose everything I value. Don't even pretend to like me. I know you just find me amusing, and then you'll move on and forget all about me.

They're all just laughing...
Please get some professional help, even if it seems pointless. I'm not amused.
 
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"Now I know for sure that God hates me, and I hate Him back for this living hell I'm in."

I've cursed god more times than I can remember.

"I'm 31, no job, school is uncertain because of the virus, no partner, no close friends. I'd been in and out of college since 2005 because of depression. The doctors and their meds didn't help. One even told me I'll never be happy, and our priority is to find activities for me to pass the time. Unfortunately, that doctor was right and worse, I don't feel any pleasure in any activity. The meds majorly fucked up my brain and physical health, I even have asthma now when I didn't before, and I'd gained almost 30 pounds since being diagnosed with depression."

I've been NEET from ages 28-32(4years). ("Not in Education, Employment, or Training") meds never helped me, I was told that my condition will last life long (never be happy), I never felt pleasure in any activity, my health worsened, I have arthritis now when I didn't before, and I gained between 30 and 40 pounds.


"The doctors wouldn't give me an Asperger's/ high functioning autism diagnosis until an incident at school made the explanation absolutely necessary. Not that it would change how I'm treated anywhere, it just barely saved me from being kicked out. It's all a cruel joke because there are no experts for my condition here anyway, and I'm treated just like any patient with major depression. I became a Christian at that time, I was convinced by my friends' testimonies but for me, nothing changed. I did not get healed, my broken family did not mend, and I ended up getting kicked out of school again anyway. I lost all my friends and everything I worked hard for. I got kicked out of school four times and had to drop out voluntarily once. The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away."

I've been diagnosed with numerous conditions, I was homeless for a time and ended up reading the bible from front to back. Religion gave me hope to keep going but I didn't get any other results from it. I never had friends, but I lost a big part of my family, which was when I had my first(and only) suicide attempt.


"I try to participate in groups, but feel left out. I love, but I am not loved back. My friends call me too vanilla. I wonder if they're still my friends. I can't stand it anymore. Trends change too fast and in a meaner direction. I feel like a childish boomer. I never learn or mature. I just watch all my friends and colleagues pass me by. I can't relate to them, and they can't relate to me. I'm there for them when they need somebody, but they're not there for me when I need help. What a cruel joke this is. I know I'm just that person people talk to when nobody else is around, when their preferred friend isn't around. I was never first choice. Nobody wants me. They just tolerate me. I don't belong anywhere at all."

Acquaintances I had said I was too vanilla. I felt like a big man child who never truly grew up. I thought humans were just evil since I was like 6, so I never even tried to be friends with anyone.

"I hate this. I hate my life. I hate myself and I wish I would die. Seriously, who would want to be such a useless person? I want to kill my brain. My heart has been broken so many times, I wish I didn't have one. If God had any mercy, I'd have died at birth. I wouldn't wish my life on my worst enemy. But God and the world are just watching there, laughing at me while I fail at everything I try and lose everything I value. Don't even pretend to like me. I know you just find me amusing, and then you'll move on and forget all about me."
They're all just laughing...


I've cursed life and existence so many times. I've felt useless, my emotions would start attacking me causing physical pain trying to kill me, I've told my parents I wish I was never born and my mom's told me she had thought about abortion.

So what made me think everyone was evil when I was 6 was I went into the bathroom and some older kids jumped me and tried to make me suck 1 dudes dick. But that wasn't the thing. The thing was when I came out of the bathroom feeling humiliated I tried whispering to the teacher what just happened, she couldn't hear me, so I spoke up just a little, then the entire class (in line to go to the bathroom) must have heard me because Everyone was LAUGHING hard at me. Kids at that age don't realize hey, this is something serious. Everything can be amusing to kids at that age.

Soooo you're not alone. There are tons of people out there with similar stories. Maybe that makes you feel a tiny bit better? But how about a solution?

Today I take 0 medications, I've lost almost all of the weight I gained (still dieting), people beg me to be in their lives and I do, I feel loved and share love with others, I am pretty content and happy with doing not much of anything, but have decided to go back to school and am taking online courses shooting for a degree. I decided I want to help people.

Everyone is different but here is what I did to change things around.
  1. In 2016 I had my first 1 hour session of abreaction. I faced what I was refusing to face and I experienced catharsis. It was extremely painful so I was confused so I never went back. I was angrier than I've ever been in my entire life. I didn't even know I could get angry. Anger is directing negative emotion outward rather than inward and just needed to happen. If you keep directing it inward then you keep hurting yourself and it remains trapped.
  2. In 2019 I applied for disability and got it. Having the security that I won't be homeless or starve and having the time/freedom to do anything I wanted helped a lot. It gave me the opportunity to continue catharsis. I let it all out. A very dangerous time. I'm glad I didn't kill anyone. (In 2018 for the past 2 years I had just suppressed everything all over again, got a job, etc, but it didn't work. Just lead to a break down, which lead to being honest how I felt, which lead to driving my family/acquaintance away, which lead to homelessness and a suicide attempt, which lead to going to a mental health facility.)
  3. In early 2020 after I was finished dealing with my past trauma and cleansing myself of all the negative emotion I had suppressed for so long (through catharsis).. Well I stopped feeling depressed. While I was going through that cleansing process I'd also stop doing things that were self harming and instead started doing things that were good for me. I stopped beating myself up with criticism, I stopped smoking, I slept whenever my body asked for it, I started eating healthy. I started treating myself with love/respect/kindness and just naturally started treating other people that way too. I didn't need any emotional support from anybody. I became my own best friend.
I hope my story helps.

(Oh and also I was in special ed, I was slow. Still kinda am, doesn't matter. I did find a way to basically overcome it, but that's another story.) You don't need to be smart to be happy.
 

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@Fennel Please, don't ever give up on yourself. Don't give up on finding good professional help.

I've been in a VERY harsh place in the recent past. I was so, so depressed I was mildly catatonic - I could barely move and could barely take care of myself. I was a zombie. Even things like personal hygiene were hurdles for me. HOPELESSNESS (the feeling you are describing right now) was consuming me, and I know it is the worst thing one can experience. It is worse than panic, worse than fear, worse than sadness, worse than anger... there's nothing worse than hopelessness and despair. Existential despair. And I had no adolescence - these feelings fucked up my teenage years.

I've tried MANY psychiatrists before I found one who is right for me. I used to be like you, treated as a "depressed" patient, but it turns out I actually have Bipolar II and ADHD. Once I switched meds (I'm no longer taking antidepressants, but mood stabilizers) everything started to make sense to me. 75% of my dysphoric feelings were gone, including anxiety and severe depression.

Please, don't give up. You may have some sort of condition (a condition that is causing your depression) that you're not aware of yet. There are plenty of meds out there you probably have not tried. You should seek second, third, fourth professional opinions until you find something that works for you (I guarantee you something out there will work). If not psychiatrists, at least seek different psychologists.

You are in your early 30's, you still have much life ahead of you. Like @Jansen said, you can turn the tables to your advantage and give meaning to your suffering.

I hate most of Jordan Peterson's stuff, but he has a beautiful, very helpful quote:

Compare Yourself To Who You Were Yesterday, Not To Who Someone Else Is Today.

I love it and repeat it every day. Work on improving yourself - you are unique and nobody in this world has exactly what you have to offer to it.
 

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HOPELESSNESS (the feeling you are describing right now) was consuming me, and I know it is the worst thing one can experience. It is worse than panic, worse than fear, worse than sadness, worse than anger... there's nothing worse than hopelessness and despair.
867336

I don't agree with the order of everything listed^ but I thought you'd like this image.
 

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@Fennel Please, don't ever give up on yourself. Don't give up on finding good professional help.

I've been in a VERY harsh place in the recent past. I was so, so depressed I was mildly catatonic - I could barely move and could barely take care of myself. I was a zombie. Even things like personal hygiene were hurdles for me. HOPELESSNESS (the feeling you are describing right now) was consuming me, and I know it is the worst thing one can experience. It is worse than panic, worse than fear, worse than sadness, worse than anger... there's nothing worse than hopelessness and despair. Existential despair. And I had no adolescence - these feelings fucked up my teenage years.

I've tried MANY psychiatrists before I found one who is right for me. I used to be like you, treated as a "depressed" patient, but it turns out I actually have Bipolar II and ADHD. Once I switched meds (I'm no longer taking antidepressants, but mood stabilizers) everything started to make sense to me. 75% of my dysphoric feelings were gone, including anxiety and severe depression.

Please, don't give up. You may have some sort of condition (a condition that is causing your depression) that you're not aware of yet. There are plenty of meds out there you probably have not tried. You should seek second, third, fourth professional opinions until you find something that works for you (I guarantee you something out there will work). If not psychiatrists, at least seek different psychologists.
My underlying condition is autism, which is incurable and makes everyday interactions complicated. I look weird and offend people unwittingly. I can't do tasks people take for granted, and normal settings like malls and bright rooms cause me sensory overload. Of course, I am just one person, so why would others adjust to me? I'm the one who has to endure different kinds of pain every time I reach out irl.

I'd gone from psychologist to psychologist, psychiatrist to psychiatrist. One told me I was brave for keeping on going back to school despite major depression, and then she gave up on me. Another said I'll never be happy. The earliest doc told to me give up on music and concentrate on my studies (I was still passionate about it and cried all the three hours from the doctor's office to home). They were the best of the best in our country. We have no specialists for Asperger's so they couldn't refer me to one. I tried to concentrate on schooling and lost interest in everything except finding someone who would understand me, who could love and help me. Preferably a neurotypcal who could act as a bridge from me to the rest of the world.

Nobody wants me, nobody even knows what to do with me. I can only see my doctor once a month at best because of quarantine measures. I asked if she could refer me to someone for social skills training, but none are open because of the pandemic. Online isn't enough. I need face-to-face coaching if I should survive.

Socially, I now just smile and say hello, and don't even try to participate. I know that trying to be sociable will just make me feel bad. I'm also fine with the fact that I can't relate to most individuals. Even if I like or admire them, the dynamic will be off somehow. I do have one real-life local friend. She accepts me, and my Ne comes out to play with her. Feels good!

In work.... I was in an isolated place and figured out how to make a living online. I had customers who respected me and valued what I had to offer. I could work when and how I wanted, without being judged or pressured.

In romance... I went on a dating site (not for the first time) and wrote about my strange history, lifestyle, etc. I posted a bad-hair, no-makeup photo. Now I'm being approached by men who also have interesting lives. They like me because I'm different and they're looking for someone unique. In the past I would have tried to appear "normal," beautiful, etc., and ended up with someone incompatible.

The point I'm trying to make is that you need to learn what you like and need, and build on that. If you're not good at being a student or finding friends, maybe there is something else you can do that will bring some meaning or joy to your life. A physical or creative activity, a home business, even a wild idea like walking across the country.

Sometimes there's no point in playing "their" game, if you will only lose. Figure out your own game. Good luck!
I have one bff in real life, but even he can't relate to me. We have very different interests and tolerate each other's company because he is very introverted. His love of memes annoys me. When he's here, he'd watch PewDiePie or some other annoying YouTuber, and I hate it. He won't even try to post here or on Discord to look for other friends but would try to peek when I'm chatting with someone else, and get jealous.

I can't work from home because I'm clueless about computers and we have the cheapest internet and laptop available. I live with my mom who is very thrifty and doesn't see the need for an upgrade. This computer is slow and I lose my wifi connection every few minutes. Plus, I can't talk to people over the phone which means I can't do BPO or ESL. Jobs are scarce now but I have to find a traditional one.

I've lost interest in everything. Trying something new only reminds me of failure and that's enough to make me cry a lot like stupid. I'd tried so many hobbies and college courses. I'd read so many books and manga, watched anime... Now I'm not interested in anything, even my old favorite things to do. I just feel empty and dead inside. Nothing excites me.

Please get some professional help, even if it seems pointless. I'm not amused.
I did, and I have to wait another 3 weeks to a month or so to see my doctor again. We couldn't get a referral to someone more accessible or specializing in autism/ social skills. Most establishments are closed due to lockdown. I can hardly go out for exercise even -- curfew starts at 3pm just before it gets cooler outside.
 

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I did, and I have to wait another 3 weeks to a month or so to see my doctor again. We couldn't get a referral to someone more accessible or specializing in autism/ social skills. Most establishments are closed due to lockdown. I can hardly go out for exercise even -- curfew starts at 3pm just before it gets cooler outside.
Is there an online option for therapy in your area?

What time in the morning does curfew end? Can you go out then? What sorts of indoor exercises might you be able to try?
 

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Now I know for sure that God hates me, and I hate Him back for this living hell I'm in.

I'm 31, no job, school is uncertain because of the virus, no partner, no close friends. I'd been in and out of college since 2005 because of depression. The doctors and their meds didn't help. One even told me I'll never be happy, and our priority is to find activities for me to pass the time. Unfortunately, that doctor was right and worse, I don't feel any pleasure in any activity. The meds majorly fucked up my brain and physical health, I even have asthma now when I didn't before, and I'd gained almost 30 pounds since being diagnosed with depression.
When the virus dies down, most likely you will find some solace or peace. You shouldn’t always take the doctor’s personal opinion outside medical advice. Having worked in a medical centre, I know there is no magical process to their personal opinion. They could be wrong, in saying you’ll never be happy. I think you can overcome depression, I had a bout of depression senior year of high school, or senior year of college, which is pretty much cured now. Give some time to deal with the stressor, and the thoughts, that are causing the depression.

Write down the thought, and ask yourself, what would you say to a friend in your position? That really helped with my depression.

The doctors wouldn't give me an Asperger's/ high functioning autism diagnosis until an incident at school made the explanation absolutely necessary. Not that it would change how I'm treated anywhere, it just barely saved me from being kicked out. It's all a cruel joke because there are no experts for my condition here anyway, and I'm treated just like any patient with major depression. I became a Christian at that time, I was convinced by my friends' testimonies but for me, nothing changed. I did not get healed, my broken family did not mend, and I ended up getting kicked out of school again anyway. I lost all my friends and everything I worked hard for. I got kicked out of school four times and had to drop out voluntarily once. The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away.

I try to participate in groups, but feel left out. I love, but I am not loved back. My friends call me too vanilla. I wonder if they're still my friends. I can't stand it anymore. Trends change too fast and in a meaner direction. I feel like a childish boomer. I never learn or mature. I just watch all my friends and colleagues pass me by. I can't relate to them, and they can't relate to me. I'm there for them when they need somebody, but they're not there for me when I need help. What a cruel joke this is. I know I'm just that person people talk to when nobody else is around, when their preferred friend isn't around. I was never first choice. Nobody wants me. They just tolerate me. I don't belong anywhere at all.
I think you are personalising and blaming yourself for circumstances beyond your control, like for a broken family, major depression or getting kicked out of school. Those are your problems, they’re not your fault at all.

I think you can have every opportunity to make a better set of friends. I hung out with some really toxic friends last year who didn’t really support me and my life deteriorated, but now, I have a more supportive group who are more understanding. Someone who is doing better than you, won’t look down on you. “I don’t belong anywhere at all” that’s not necessarily true in this case, you can always find a more supportive group.

Adding to that, don’t let your differences, like autism, hold you back. There are others who also have it, who are doing tremendous things

I hate this. I hate my life. I hate myself and I wish I would die. Seriously, who would want to be such a useless person? I want to kill my brain. My heart has been broken so many times, I wish I didn't have one. If God had any mercy, I'd have died at birth. I wouldn't wish my life on my worst enemy. But God and the world are just watching there, laughing at me while I fail at everything I try and lose everything I value. Don't even pretend to like me. I know you just find me amusing, and then you'll move on and forget all about me.

They're all just laughing...
Tbh, since you were working a job at some point and are studying right now, it’s likely you’re not a useless person, there are some useless people who have neither, and are perfectly content with their uselessness.

I think it’s just a subjective opinion, and those beliefs are temporary and will change with time
 

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Is there an online option for therapy in your area?

What time in the morning does curfew end? Can you go out then? What sorts of indoor exercises might you be able to try?
Around 5 or 6 am. But I'm too depressed to wake up earlier than 8am, when the sun is already blazing.
I'm not good at searching online, and my needs are very specific. When I Google "therapy for autistics" even high functioning or similar, it's almost always for little children and located in Western countries. Australia is the nearest to here, and therapies in other countries cost a fortune.

I'm past the point of helping myself, nobody cares anyway. My family is broken and they need money to take care of kids and the living expenses. We can't afford intensive, one-on-one therapy. Even my autistic nephew's therapy has been postponed indefinitely because of the pandemic.They don't care about my mental health. I'll probably be stuck at home for the next few years or so. We can't afford another breakdown in the workplace, and I don't know how to avoid it either. I'm terrified of looking for a job without any help.

In my last job, a colleague with a hearing disorder was being openly discriminated against, another (along with myself) was being accused of stealing money from professors and students (these were scholars who had to scrape by to pay graduation fees), and I was often left alone in the office because either the admins were having a very long lunch or they were simply outside on "official business":. I was almost sexually harassed by a professor on one of those days. My mother is friends with the registrar, so she told her not to have me left alone in the office. I said the same to my superiors. They did it again anyway.

At that point I had multiple jobs because the director wouldn't allow old employees to return, even though we were requesting 5 additional clerks. They were being discriminated against because of their past (not work related) when we really needed the manpower. I was working the job of three people and I really wanted to kill the director and the registrar for discriminating against my colleagues and leaving me in a dangerous position. When they came back from their very long lunch out, the director sarcastically told me to take a leave because they've heard about my death threats. Aside from that, the officials were badmouthing my school the whole school year, spreading lies that our city college would replace their state university campus. I told him about this and the accusations of stealing and the discrimination against my colleagues and he just laughed at me and continued to be sarcastic.I said that I don't work for him, I work for the city government and he should accept the employees they give him. The city provides employees and pays both our salaries, not the state university. So I snapped and wanted to kill him right then and there. An officer from the city government happened to be passing by the office, and I had to be restrained by two grown men while I was in full breakdown. The city official had his hand to my neck, and I screamed and screamed that those evil officials were ruining my (former) coworkers lives with their accusations and not letting them work

The director triggered me on purpose. Both he and the registrar knew I had autism, and the director had a PhD in psychology. He was obviously making fun of me and flaunting his authority while driving me to the edge.

That's what neurotypicals do, they just love to overload me and then ridicule me while they enjoy each other's company, "Oh those weirdos are useless, they're so slow, they have complicated family lives, haha let's make their lives even harder and then blame them for all the mistakes." How the hell am I going to find people who won't shit on me in the end? These people were respected by everyone else, they had high ranks, students look up to them. And I'm just a nobody without a degree, skill or charm. If I were in a court case against a neurotypical who hurt me, I'd lose and maybe even pay penalty.
 

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I'm sorry you're feeling so hopeless. I hope you find what you need in order to feel better.

I would like to clarify that working for yourself/working from home doesn't require a computer. You could make items to sell, or offer a service in your local area.
 

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If life indeed is a cruel joke then the solution would be to understand the joke, would it not? The happiest beings are those who practiced to not take their sight off from the joke when the going gets tough, it is also no coincidence these same humans are the successful ones we see on our TV's or read in books. This whole world is a joke with contradictions everywhere, there is no running from it. The only gift and power we have is choice. The choice of how we choose to meet the joke. Abandon all assumptions about yourself or the world and just be quiet. Let the mind chatter feed off its own momentum and cease involvement. This is how we observe the joke. In time we can discover that the joke is good, as we recognise it plays perfectly to each individual’s temperament which holds a package of desires and passions which we have come to call personality. Laughter is the fragrance of God, so we laugh to remember. It is a fool’s mistake to ever think that The laughter is at the individual’s expense. Laughter is for all and we laugh because we are free. Let down the baggage that gives the little comfort you have grown tired of.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Bumping for advice.

I lost my friends. Chatting with them was my nightly routine, now it's all ruined.
And when my sleep is ruined, the next day is ruined. And then the whole day is ruined, and the next.
It happened gradually, they excluded me more and more because they had new friends and I was too vanilla for their conversations/ activities. Even when I offered to sext (like I knew others were up to), I was turned down.
I'm not seen as a woman. I'm only seen as a kid. And a last resort kind of friend when all others aren't there.

I hate it. I hate it so much. I wish I weren't autistic. I wish I could do all those things neurotypicals take for granted. I hate being left behind. They all leave me behind.
 

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ENTP 5w6 So/Sx 584 ILE Honorary INTJ
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Around 5 or 6 am. But I'm too depressed to wake up earlier than 8am, when the sun is already blazing.
I'm not good at searching online, and my needs are very specific. When I Google "therapy for autistics" even high functioning or similar, it's almost always for little children and located in Western countries. Australia is the nearest to here, and therapies in other countries cost a fortune.

I'm past the point of helping myself, nobody cares anyway. My family is broken and they need money to take care of kids and the living expenses. We can't afford intensive, one-on-one therapy. Even my autistic nephew's therapy has been postponed indefinitely because of the pandemic.They don't care about my mental health. I'll probably be stuck at home for the next few years or so. We can't afford another breakdown in the workplace, and I don't know how to avoid it either. I'm terrified of looking for a job without any help.

In my last job, a colleague with a hearing disorder was being openly discriminated against, another (along with myself) was being accused of stealing money from professors and students (these were scholars who had to scrape by to pay graduation fees), and I was often left alone in the office because either the admins were having a very long lunch or they were simply outside on "official business":. I was almost sexually harassed by a professor on one of those days. My mother is friends with the registrar, so she told her not to have me left alone in the office. I said the same to my superiors. They did it again anyway.

At that point I had multiple jobs because the director wouldn't allow old employees to return, even though we were requesting 5 additional clerks. They were being discriminated against because of their past (not work related) when we really needed the manpower. I was working the job of three people and I really wanted to kill the director and the registrar for discriminating against my colleagues and leaving me in a dangerous position. When they came back from their very long lunch out, the director sarcastically told me to take a leave because they've heard about my death threats. Aside from that, the officials were badmouthing my school the whole school year, spreading lies that our city college would replace their state university campus. I told him about this and the accusations of stealing and the discrimination against my colleagues and he just laughed at me and continued to be sarcastic.I said that I don't work for him, I work for the city government and he should accept the employees they give him. The city provides employees and pays both our salaries, not the state university. So I snapped and wanted to kill him right then and there. An officer from the city government happened to be passing by the office, and I had to be restrained by two grown men while I was in full breakdown. The city official had his hand to my neck, and I screamed and screamed that those evil officials were ruining my (former) coworkers lives with their accusations and not letting them work

The director triggered me on purpose. Both he and the registrar knew I had autism, and the director had a PhD in psychology. He was obviously making fun of me and flaunting his authority while driving me to the edge.

That's what neurotypicals do, they just love to overload me and then ridicule me while they enjoy each other's company, "Oh those weirdos are useless, they're so slow, they have complicated family lives, haha let's make their lives even harder and then blame them for all the mistakes." How the hell am I going to find people who won't shit on me in the end? These people were respected by everyone else, they had high ranks, students look up to them. And I'm just a nobody without a degree, skill or charm. If I were in a court case against a neurotypical who hurt me, I'd lose and maybe even pay penalty.
I'm terribly sorry you are going through this and I wish I could do more to help. I will be online at least once between now and Saturday. If you need to vent, please PM me (I am NOT neurotypical either).
 
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Discussion Starter #17
- I don't know how to love myself.

- I need routines. And I need the mental/emotional toughness to do them, without depending on other people.

- I need to replace the craving for romance/sex with something else, a routine that makes me feel safe and secure.

I'm not sure if the only key is affection. Sometimes I would get a feeling of peace while reading a book (like the Bible) and fall asleep, but those times are very rare and the sleep isn't the deep kind. More like my subconscious processing it on the go. But affection quiets both my conscious and subconscious. Sometimes even when I sext with someone I really care for, I struggle to stay awake, I just fall into love and peace (emotional and involves sensual imagery) and it's deeper than when I'm reading a book that makes me feel at peace (more on intellectual).

I still have a looooooong way to go...
 

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Magandang gabi, fennel

Tonight close your eyes. Smile to yourself. Sleep tight.
You already know what you need to do.
You just have to do them.
Whenever your mind trick you to wander, smile to yourself, then just continue what you have started.
Rinse.
Repeat.
Smile.
To yourself.
 

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INFJ 2w1
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Honestly, if anyone were to be your one true ally, it would be God. Who are we, people who are incapable of knowing everything and seek answers from those who know little compared to one who already knows everything? If you are patient and believe after asking and seeking, you will get your answers. It's times like these that pushed me closer to God because people were made imperfect and it was proven to me countless times. Even if the person is a good person, a good friend, they can't always be there when you need them because they have their own lives, their own struggles. They may want to be there all the time and they do their best, but because people are imperfect, they just can't.

You said that people are laughing at you and they don't care, but that's not entirely true. Everyone has people that want to see them fail. But I don't believe any of those people are here on this thread. Everyone that responded to your thread cared enough to respond. You need to acknowledge the positives that occur in your life, especially right now. Look at the number of people on here, this many people care at this very moment. And that's just right now and on this website. How about outside? Sometimes people care, but just don't know how to help. That care means you're important and still exists, even if the care is not expressed in a way that is needed.

I know you feel alone and you want companionship, but the best way to achieve that, that has at least worked for me, is by increasing the amount of people you know. Forget relationships, I'm talking friendships. Meet more people, know more people. Isn't that why people head to the internet? To reach out to more people? Though knowing more people in person is what you actually want to do and should do as well, but don't give up on making friends online. Some of the best friendships I had were online. You said that people tend to only talk to you when their preferred friend is unavailable, then that means you need to find more people to be friends with. Those people are not what you need or looking for and need to be replaced.

Plants can be found in the most random places. If plants can grow and survive in cracks in the sidewalk, we can survive in harsh conditions too. I don't believe for a second that you will never and can never be happy again. Not for a second. Shame on those doctors for saying such things to you. They probably just said that because they didn't know what else to do to help you, so they gave up. If they gave up on you, they gave up on others before you.

Some are given scraps to eat while some live in mansions in LA eating whatever delivers. But we're all going through our own sort of struggle, even those that have more than us. So it's important that if you are to see someone that has more than you, to also look at those that have less than you to balance that out.

If you believe you can be happy no matter what anyone else says, meaning with the stubbornness and resistance you would have if a person is trying to convince you that human beings are incapable of drowning, I don't see why you won't eventually find happiness. Because as long as you believe, you won't give up looking and seeking the answers and you will be patient and endure the struggle till you find what you were after. And God is with those who are patient.
 
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