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I loathe having to suffer mine after years and years of abuse and having to care for her now at my expense in full with no help or support. This is something people need to avoid but for someone who is still a twenty something to have this burden is devastating as it kills your chances of making a life for yourself.


 
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Ahh, forgive me, but I just want to be clear about the situation. What I am getting from this and the link is that you are now caring for your mother (due to a disease/condition?), and you have resented/hated her for a while because she is a strict and emotionally distant person with whom you have never seen eye to eye with. Is that right?
 

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I am stuck having to care for her because she is unable to hold a job because she lost her license and over the years ruined her health and there is no SSI or anything like that so it is all on me. She is a very lazy person and just uses people for her convenience, she will only do things and be nice to other people when she is wanting or needing something in return other wise she does absolutely nothing for days at a time. She has been the biggest source of stress besides suffering the work place and I recently quit my job last weekend just to get a break so yea there is too much on my shoulders. I am only venting now so it doesn't become some big crisis later in life or going off like a bomb or having some major break down. I desperately want to get a few thousand miles (more like half a world) between the two of us but you know how the world is these days where to do anything requires money.
 

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Hi. I have not been in those shoes, but that's okay.
Is there anyone else to take care of her or split the burden?
Have you calmly explained to her how you feel?
Has she been abused in her past and has an immature mind?
Does she have mental disorders or anything actual to keep her from working?
 

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Discussion Starter #5
She knows and no there is no other support, as for abuse goes lower class white family abuse happens by default and she had it bad. There is nothing I can do as this is beyond my abilities.
 
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I see people in a care-giving situation with their parents often, but usually not alone as a 20-something year old.
Sometimes you see burn-out. Sometimes a spouse or a child just can't do it all anymore, this is often when the patient could take better care of themselves, but don't. Like when alcohol, smoking, or morbid obesity are concerned it gets tougher on the care-giver. Still, I've seen people give amazing love and cheerful care-giving.
Is she ill? Does she need 24 hour supervised care or just partial? What assistance is in your state (if you are in a US state?) is there? Many states offer certain hours of care-giving depending on the illness of the patient. I'd call Senior services in your town and inquire, ask to talk to someone who knows about care-giving options. If she doesn't require 24 hour care, I would likely move out and visit her. If she does require 24 hour care then she could move into a group home if certain requirements are met--sometimes even morbid obesity will count if there are mobility restrictions. It should all get looked at by a case worker and calling her doctor and talking to the doctor can give options sometimes too. If she doesn't meet the criteria, then likely she is capable of helping herself-- in which case, I would let her take the consequences of her own actions. She can't mean for you to devote your 20's to her, and if she does, that is wrong and you should get out--- you can still visit, etc. Nothing to say you can't help around the house if you feel it appropriate. Negotiations are always easier from a position of power, for instance, if you CAN move out you can say, "You need to start doing X or for sure I will move out and I am looking at a place now..." Or just basically lay out what you are willing to do and what you are not, or what she needs to change in order for you to feel better helping her. I hope this helps, it's worth a shot, anyway.
Good luck.
 

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She knows I want to move out but money as always is the wall and chain holding any real progress back. She is capable of taking care of herself for at least 10 to 15 years should she lose some weight but you know how people are these days even though she can care for herself now and isn't disabled that much at all. I Really want to leave the states and start fresh on a clean slate and try to make a decent life for myself.
 

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Then you should. She will have to step up.
Start working on gathering data about your possibilities and tell her about what you intend to do. Look for jobs where you want to go. If you have friends or relatives out of state, look into that it can give you somewhere to stay for a month while you get your feet under you. If not, then look at jobs, college, etc. If you are interested in college then private colleges are cheaper for out-of-staters, or you can change state residency (work) and then go to college where you end up. Look into pell grants and the like.
Many people start with nothing. I've seen people get out of all sorts of situations. Every foster kid at 18 has to figure out EVERYTHING on their own from their birthday on. Not easy, but I see people who have made their own life happen starting from zilch all the time.
 

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Your situation is a hard limit for me. My mom and I have had a strained and, in the past, abusive relationship. We aren't close, I'm unable to feel close to her because she is inconsistent, unreliable and a liar. Two years ago she came out with this crock of shit that she has a debilitating series of illnesses that are completely made up and not real. Her diseases are considered to be in her head according to the medical community. Almost a year and a half ago, she was evicted from the house she rented and has since been living in tents. Prior to the eviction, she was living in a tent in the backyard anyway due to her illness. I believe because it's summer she's actually staying in a hotel based on some of what she says. I try not to talk about it because I refuse to go down the rabbit hole with her in regards to her made up illness.

So, in essence, my mom has always claimed to have various ailments and illnesses throughout my life, which I believe is a ploy for sympathy. When I was in 9th grade, she had an inoperable brain tumor (her claim, I never saw medical records) and she was supposed to die. Mysteriously, without talking about it after about a year, it has become a non-issue. This is one example but for me, this was the defining lie, the reason I don't trust her, and my "breaking point." This lie fucked me up. I thought my mom was going to die when I was 15. It was a difficult year for me. This is just backstory so the audience understands I'm not a monster ignoring my mother's illness. She has a pattern of this kind of shit. She's a liar.

Now the part where we talk about how this relates to you. My mom is clearly in a position where, if I allowed it, she could live with me (or pitch a tent in the back, idk). But given her history, given more than I'm discussing here, given that I'm done with her lies, I have not offered and I never will. I don't believe at this point she will ever even ask. In fact, last year we had a hurricane and she claims she took shelter under a bridge for the duration. Had I known about that before the hurricane was upon us, I probably would've let her stay with me. She didn't tell me or my brother until it was unsafe for us to travel to her. I suspect it was another lie to make us feel sympathetic or something.

So...do I relate to the opening idea of taking care of my mom, whom I dislike, because nobody else will? No. I don't. I won't be doing that. She's much older than I am, perfectly capable of caring for herself, she just chooses not to. That can't be my problem because I refuse to enable her any more than I already have.

Whether or not you reach your breaking point and decide enough is enough, is up to you and it's personal. I can't offer advice. I can't tell you "just pack up and leave" or any variation of that sentiment. You will do what you want to do, and changing your circumstances will happen when you're ready.
 

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Another moment of drama, she decided to tell me now that she has an abscessed tooth and that I needed to come up with the money. I explained to her that I couldn't cover the expense right now and naturally she got pissed off. I took care of my grandmother and was ok with that as she provided me a place to live and that there was other help but taking care of Mom is a different matter as I cant put up with her any longer. I am going to get things sorted sometime this year or at least by sometime next year and say to hell with it and move overseas.

The guilt trips don't work on me much at all anymore and only serve to stress me out that much more and piss me off. To any young and middle aged people out there don't do this to yourselves even if you are not in a good position yourself as you will only lose years that you will never have back.
 
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I hope you figure it out. What she is doing to you isn't OK and sometimes the only way out is to leave them to their own devices.
 
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Your situation is a hard limit for me. My mom and I have had a strained and, in the past, abusive relationship. We aren't close, I'm unable to feel close to her because she is inconsistent, unreliable and a liar. Two years ago she came out with this crock of shit that she has a debilitating series of illnesses that are completely made up and not real. Her diseases are considered to be in her head according to the medical community. Almost a year and a half ago, she was evicted from the house she rented and has since been living in tents. Prior to the eviction, she was living in a tent in the backyard anyway due to her illness. I believe because it's summer she's actually staying in a hotel based on some of what she says. I try not to talk about it because I refuse to go down the rabbit hole with her in regards to her made up illness.

So, in essence, my mom has always claimed to have various ailments and illnesses throughout my life, which I believe is a ploy for sympathy. When I was in 9th grade, she had an inoperable brain tumor (her claim, I never saw medical records) and she was supposed to die. Mysteriously, without talking about it after about a year, it has become a non-issue. This is one example but for me, this was the defining lie, the reason I don't trust her, and my "breaking point." This lie fucked me up. I thought my mom was going to die when I was 15. It was a difficult year for me. This is just backstory so the audience understands I'm not a monster ignoring my mother's illness. She has a pattern of this kind of shit. She's a liar.

Now the part where we talk about how this relates to you. My mom is clearly in a position where, if I allowed it, she could live with me (or pitch a tent in the back, idk). But given her history, given more than I'm discussing here, given that I'm done with her lies, I have not offered and I never will. I don't believe at this point she will ever even ask. In fact, last year we had a hurricane and she claims she took shelter under a bridge for the duration. Had I known about that before the hurricane was upon us, I probably would've let her stay with me. She didn't tell me or my brother until it was unsafe for us to travel to her. I suspect it was another lie to make us feel sympathetic or something.

So...do I relate to the opening idea of taking care of my mom, whom I dislike, because nobody else will? No. I don't. I won't be doing that. She's much older than I am, perfectly capable of caring for herself, she just chooses not to. That can't be my problem because I refuse to enable her any more than I already have.

Whether or not you reach your breaking point and decide enough is enough, is up to you and it's personal. I can't offer advice. I can't tell you "just pack up and leave" or any variation of that sentiment. You will do what you want to do, and changing your circumstances will happen when you're ready.
This reminds me exactly of the kind of stuff that a once popular internet reviewer named SpoonyOne pulled on his fans in order to get out of making reviews. He banked on everyone's sympathies and a decent monthly Patreon stipend, then had the nerve to complain that he "couldn't pay his bills" when people started pulling their subscriptions.
It baffles me how people like this think that they can make up 100 illnesses to have in 2 years' time and that no one will check them on it. People like this are honestly ill, but not in any of the ways they say they are. It must be some kind of delusional behavior. I'm sorry that it had to be that way with your own mom, though.
 

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@The Lonely Hobbit
I'm sorry to hear of your situation, and you are entitled to your feelings of anger, resentment and hatred. It would be toxic not to acknowledge or feel these things. To me, caregiving is an especially depressing topic because, unless you're the very right kind of person (optimistic, lives to care for others), it's a soul-sucking experience. Many rarely (if ever) get back what they give and oftentimes, the person in need of care is mentally ill/checked out and incapable of feeling or showing gratitude, and it sounds like that might be the case with your mom.

My aunt cares for my mentally disabled cousin, and, being so close to her, I've gotten to witness the magnanimity of how much having a severely retarded child and caring laboriously for her has crushed her spirit. She was depressed for decades, and I don't know if she still is or not, but I know that she is devoutly Christian, and I think that is the one thing that has kept her going through hard times. I always get a bit of mist in my eyes whenever I think about it all.

But your situation is completely different. In my Aunt's case, it's her child--someone who she was prepared to take care of, but for you, it's your mom--someone who was prepared to take care of you. You're still so young, and I feel like you trying to compromise and submit to the situation would be emotional constipation. I don't believe that it's your responsibility to care for her, and doing so would be throwing any promise of having your own life away. That said, I wish you the best in dealing with this issue and hope that some of the wonderful advice that others have written here will be of use to you.
 

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@The Lonely Hobbit
I'm sorry to hear of your situation, and you are entitled to your feelings of anger, resentment and hatred. It would be toxic not to acknowledge or feel these things. To me, caregiving is an especially depressing topic because, unless you're the very right kind of person (optimistic, lives to care for others), it's a soul-sucking experience. Many rarely (if ever) get back what they give and oftentimes, the person in need of care is mentally ill/checked out and incapable of feeling or showing gratitude, and it sounds like that might be the case with your mom.

My aunt cares for my mentally disabled cousin, and, being so close to her, I've gotten to witness the magnanimity of how much having a severely retarded child and caring laboriously for her has crushed her spirit. She was depressed for decades, and I don't know if she still is or not, but I know that she is devoutly Christian, and I think that is the one thing that has kept her going through hard times. I always get a bit of mist in my eyes whenever I think about it all.

But your situation is completely different. In my Aunt's case, it's her child--someone who she was prepared to take care of, but for you, it's your mom--someone who was prepared to take care of you. You're still so young, and I feel like you trying to compromise and submit to the situation would be emotional constipation. I don't believe that it's your responsibility to care for her, and doing so would be throwing any promise of having your own life away. That said, I wish you the best in dealing with this issue and hope that some of the wonderful advice that others have written here will be of use to you.
You are right on the money and I strongly feel that she should be taking care of herself after all I need to be taking care of myself getting started in life. If money wasn't the issue I would have already left and I am pretty burnt out after all the years of toxic drama and this bs so I Need to go overseas to get distance for myself. I am considering changing my name at some point as well but haven't decided on anything particular.
 

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Neh, I love my mother. In our culture it's extremely dangerous to hate your mother, like drawing bad karma on you. However, in Western societies, I think it's more understandable because some mothers can be so egoistic and self-centered, not giving the son/daughter the love that they rightfully deserve. In Sweden where I live, it even occurs that children once they grow older break ties completely with their mothers. This is unheard of in my culture. But after seeing how some mothers treat their children, well, perhaps they got it coming...
 

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Nope, I dodged that bullet. My mother is also a leech, destroyed her ability to get work by committing a felony, destroyed her health, abandoned my sister and I for a year when we were just 4 and 5 years old, basically killed our baby sister by leaving the window open on winter nights, went to prison and left four kids behind, kept us in an abusive home.

She, my sister, and my nephew are now homeless because she burned down my sister's apartment. She's been leeching off our other sister and off and on leeching off her own sisters since forever. Now she's living on the streets. She texted me and asked to come live with me and I straight up said NO. She ain't gonna ruin my life. I don't like her, we have nothing in common, the apartment is too small, and I know she'd be here forever because she just doesn't make any real effort to take care of herself. She needs to grow up already.

I remember I was around 9 years old, she said to me, "I wish we didn't have to make money and could shop all day." I thought to myself, "this woman is going to expect me to take care of her someday." I've known this day would come for decades.
 

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So, I am relating to you in a solely INFJ-type way as I have not had to endure that type of burden. My parents can be pretty set in their ways, however are a lot more tolerant than other parents I've met (or even am) in my day. With that being said, childhood to my teenager years I still had a deep resentment towards them which I've only now recognized as an effect of my being INFJ. It wasn't their fault they didn't understand me, I barely understood or even now understand me, and it just wasn't in their capacity (while me completely understanding them is also not completely in my capacity); with that being said, I can only imagine the amount of resentment I would be capable of harboring had they tried restricting me even a little bit more than they already did. I feel like it would have been destructive for me, honestly. As an INFJ who can only SYMPATHIZE with your situation, I would say yes, it is absolutely normal for you to feel the way you do and I can only imagine what you had to have gone through to get to this point with her
 

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I loathe having to suffer mine after years and years of abuse and having to care for her now at my expense in full with no help or support. This is something people need to avoid but for someone who is still a twenty something to have this burden is devastating as it kills your chances of making a life for yourself.


Thinking that you have no chance at life is very defeatist thinking. You absolutely have every opportunity at creating the life that you want.
I am 28 (soon to be 29)... My mother, for the past 2.5 years has been in and out of hospitals, being sectioned twice. It's came to light that she is suffering with early onset dementia. I am 1 of four children but my older siblings have moved out and my younger sibling is always on tour with his band. All that is left is me and my ESTP father. The responsibilities have fallen on to me. I know how you feel about having to care for someone, and it almost feeling unfair. You can get angry at your mum but this is not really her fault. You say that she has suffered years of abuse, getting angry with her is only going to carry on those negative emotions of abuse. I have spent many months caring for my mum. Bathing her, feeding her, calling the ambulance when she had a seizure. And now visiting her in the hospital. She is unlikely to come out, and if she does it'll be to a care home. She is 55.

Currently I have been doing more than ever (learning to drive, I got a new job, I'm saving for a mortgage all on my own as I am single) and I have no idea where I got this energy from. You are still young but in time something will switch in your mind and you will realise it's possible to create a life for yourself. I honestly think getting a job you enjoy is at the root of it. This can be difficult and frustrating but believe in yourself. Sounds like hoodoo-voodoo but something that has really helped me "believe" is the practice of Manifesting. If you see that money is the ball and chain, well devote your energy to that. Organise your finances so that you would be able to afford rent. Moving out will probably help your mum too as she would not depend on you so much to function. She would have to put the effort in to make her life better. It might be hard at the start and she may really try to make you feel guilty. But you have to do this for yourself...

Look into the law of attraction. I don't necessarily believe there is some cosmic thing I am beckoning onto me, but I feel its more of a "placebo". And sometimes placebo's work. Give it a go. Also journaling is a really good way to break apart any emotional turmoil you have, giving you more mindspace to function. All the best.
 

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Discussion Starter #19 (Edited)
Thinking that you have no chance at life is very defeatist thinking. You absolutely have every opportunity at creating the life that you want.
I am 28 (soon to be 29)... My mother, for the past 2.5 years has been in and out of hospitals, being sectioned twice. It's came to light that she is suffering with early onset dementia. I am 1 of four children but my older siblings have moved out and my younger sibling is always on tour with his band. All that is left is me and my ESTP father. The responsibilities have fallen on to me. I know how you feel about having to care for someone, and it almost feeling unfair. You can get angry at your mum but this is not really her fault. You say that she has suffered years of abuse, getting angry with her is only going to carry on those negative emotions of abuse. I have spent many months caring for my mum. Bathing her, feeding her, calling the ambulance when she had a seizure. And now visiting her in the hospital. She is unlikely to come out, and if she does it'll be to a care home. She is 55.

Currently I have been doing more than ever (learning to drive, I got a new job, I'm saving for a mortgage all on my own as I am single) and I have no idea where I got this energy from. You are still young but in time something will switch in your mind and you will realise it's possible to create a life for yourself. I honestly think getting a job you enjoy is at the root of it. This can be difficult and frustrating but believe in yourself. Sounds like hoodoo-voodoo but something that has really helped me "believe" is the practice of Manifesting. If you see that money is the ball and chain, well devote your energy to that. Organise your finances so that you would be able to afford rent. Moving out will probably help your mum too as she would not depend on you so much to function. She would have to put the effort in to make her life better. It might be hard at the start and she may really try to make you feel guilty. But you have to do this for yourself...

Look into the law of attraction. I don't necessarily believe there is some cosmic thing I am beckoning onto me, but I feel its more of a "placebo". And sometimes placebo's work. Give it a go. Also journaling is a really good way to break apart any emotional turmoil you have, giving you more mindspace to function. All the best.
You situation is a little different from mine that your mom has a real problem that wasn't her choice unlike mine where I have to deal with her baggage and her mistakes. If I had the opportunity I will certainly leave because it is getting close to now or never in life, I really want to leave the states and start fresh in NZ.

May I ask what month were you born?
 

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I used to loathe my mother but have now moved on from that deep loathing to almost a feeling of nothingness towards her. I will not go into detail but she is an abhorrent person that the world would be well rid of. I still await the day I hear the whispers of her death so I can sleep easy.

I am lucky that I had a wonderful father to almost fill that pit of dispair within my soul.
 
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