I’ve definitely seen the “There are a million red flags but I’m going to ignore it because our pairing is ideal!”philosophy play out a few times. I don’t know how much MBTI is to blame. While the person is using it as justification, they have seemed like the type to enter red flag relationships anyway…MBTI just happens to be their current justification.
Hypothetical pairings (and especially the data behind the pairings) are fascinating! I don’t think there are enough large studies out there to give super solid data. But the data I have seen doesn’t really back up the ‘golden type’ descriptions.
Putting out my own theories is a bit of a mine field, since there is always someone ready to be offended.🤷♀️I know full well it’s based on my own personal experience and observations, but there are patterns out there to be recognized.
As far as my personal experience, my marriage was already in existence and happy before MBTI came out to play. So I’ve been able to use it to flesh out certain thought processes and have a common vocabulary to discuss them. I don’t know how much of a challenge it would have been to do that without a pre-built base.
Exactly, the studies show some trends but the whole “ideal” and “dual” and “golden” it is all made up by whomever wants to make up stuff. Did I already say this somewhere? But I think it could kind of be compared to birth stones? Why is May an emerald? Well, because someone figured out they could make money by giving a personal touch to jewels. Make this rock seem personal... that’s not how I view MBTI matches exactly, but that is how I would view calling something “golden”. Maybe I want to write about the platinum or titanium relationship.
The studies that I’ve found (I think I’ve mostly linked everything I’ve found in this thread and I know you have looked at these and linked them in other threads) have pretty much just shown that STJ and NF together mostly makes both people miserable, the STJ more miserable than the NF even— even though ESTJ and INFP is a common pairing. There are also special problems with ISTJ and ESTJ together. SP and NT seem to do okay and NF with other NF okay and also NF with NT seem to do okay with the NT reporting high happiness, SJ and SJ fine. SJ and SP fine. Those are trends from the studies we’ve seen. But do I think an ESTaj and an INFP can work it out? Yes, for sure.
I just think certain people need what they need for reasons specific to them. I was sitting next to a couple I’ve known for a while last night with an INFP male who is a nurse anethesthetist and an ISFJ and she is so methodical and he comes home to a perfect-looking house that is completely ship-shape even though they have 3 kids under the age of 3 (twins + 1)and a teenager. I realized he really just wants everything ship-shape so that he can do his job and then play video games and feel like they are on top of everything. Not that he doesn’t help with the child-rearing, but the sensory stuff in place is what I think he wanted. And I think he views the feeler to feeler part of their relationship as important and the coordination of schedules she does for him important. They seem to like being with each other. On her end it works from her deep commitment and ability to be the best mom she wants to be as she is completely provided for and they are both committed and secure, both have common values and are very active in their religion together. I don’t think they talk that much (not all that much) and I don’t think they would care if they knew other couples were closer talking-wise. For instance, if they experienced my husband and I and our type of talk with our Ne-Fi Fi-Ne back and forth which is deeply meaningful and exciting for us! I mean... of course I’d say we are tighter-knit friends than most couples. But would someone else think that an energizing friendship was the most important thing in a marriage? Did they even know that was something to look for? Would they feel better with more emotional distance than what I would ever want to afford a partner? What I’m saying is... what I value in a relationship is not what someone else would value in a relationship. And is there a perfect relationship? I think there is only “perfect for you” because I know our garage needs cleaning and my tolerance for not having it cleaned is pretty high... but my tolerance for not feeling close and connected? Not connected is not really tolerated by me at all. If I give my husband space playing a video game, I’d like to hear about what he experienced while playing his video game. That sounds oppressive, but I think we really do both want to know each others’ thoughts and emotions, me someone more than him I have to say, but then I can adjust to work with him so that the health of what is between us is always what matters to me... to be honest, it’s my oxygen.
Anyway, I think a major part of all of it is just what an individual really values. Some people have learned to appreciate certain skills in others. Many skills have nothing to do with MBTI. You use your cognitive functions to learn to play the piano, but whether you learn to play the piano or not is not dependent on type. Some of us want certain skills in our other person and why? Probably because it helps whatever we are trying to do work and hopefully the pairing is beneficial to both.
Another example on appreciation. I sit next to 2 ESTJ respiratory therapists some times and one of them doesn’t appreciate NF and basically talks over me. Yesterday I’m giving directions to someone and he comes over and asks what is needed and repeats/re-tells them/talks over me because I guess he is sure I can’t do it like he does it. The other ESTJ says I remind her of her sweet sister who has “angel qualities that I just don’t have. I’m so glad people like her are in this world.” So it’s like that... learned appreciation and what you feel like you “need.” And if you find those two things, go ahead and write about the “emerald pairing” or whatever for yourself, but I think it can be just that individual. Each pair together or not together for reasons that work for mainly just those two, actually, and probably shouldn’t be made to carry over to the whole type.
In other words, go ahead and like emeralds, but don’t tell someone else that’s all they should look at just because they are your same type and don’t tell someone else not to buy them because it’s not their birthstone. Life is hard enough, we don’t need to add to the difficulty by being told what we should appreciate, in my opinion.