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Discussion Starter #1
Has anyone idealized you? Or have you done that to someone in your life?

This would mean to hold a person in high "regard, or represent as perfect, or better than in reality". A romanticizing of a person or relationship, to seem better than it really is. Not idolized because that's a different thing.

Why do you think that happens? And can it be avoided?
 

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Discussion Starter #2
I don't think I've ever felt like this about a person, but I have felt like this about an idea or concept. Even with the ENFJ I loved, I could see his weaknesses & imperfections, but I found them endearing.

For some reason I have had several people in my life that idealized me. My younger siblings used to say that they thought I "walked around with a halo over my head", because I never did anything wrong in their eyes. Even into their adult years they saw me this way, maybe because they looked up to me, IDK?

I've had several friends that have also told me that they think "I can do no wrong". I think this comes from them not knowing my thoughts. Because I can see how my actions or decisions might seem very controlled, thoughtful, or calm. However, my thoughts are not always good, patient, or kind.

Right now, my male cousin is treating me like this. He says I'm "amazing". :confused: I can use a lot of words to describe myself, & I would never use that one. He even offered to kill a relative's pet because it was causing me allergies. :shocked: It's strange when another person sees you through rose-colored glasses, because you know they will be disappointed once they see the real you.

I don't know why I give off this vibe to people IRL? I am a perfectionist but I am far from perfect. I have many character flaws, idiosyncrasies, & ideas that are suspect. Maybe it has nothing to do with me & more to do with them?
 

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Has anyone idealized you? Or have you done that to someone in your life?

This would mean to hold a person in high "regard, or represent as perfect, or better than in reality". A romanticizing of a person or relationship, to seem better than it really is. Not idolized because that's a different thing.

Why do you think that happens? And can it be avoided?
I think that's being addicted to love and avoiding reality.
 
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I think NFs are more prone to it. I have done so and been idealised myself. It has something to do with how easy it is to conjure perfection in your mind - stories, essentially. You tell yourself beautiful stories, it's easy and very enticing. To many NFs at least...
 

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Yeah, I tend to see anima in my SO. Idealized feelings and sexuality I relate with her and I can do a lot to get there. Btw I'm NF (ENFP).
 

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With how my first girlfriend acted would not be surprised if she had a shrine to me in her closet at the time and her friend even suggested she was a bit obsessed to the point that was past healthy and I was inclined to agree considering I was getting calls about my horoscope in the middle of the night.

I have no idea how that happened considering I was probably the quietest guy in school and entirely unremarkable. Although maybe that's why it happened, if you don't know a person well you can basically imagine them to be however you want. They're a blank slate for you to project all your desires onto and once that idea is there they imagine the person is better than they are because they're what they want them to be and that's a hard illusion to break because it's self-imposed.
 

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I think NFs are more prone to it. I have done so and been idealised myself. It has something to do with how easy it is to conjure perfection in your mind - stories, essentially. You tell yourself beautiful stories, it's easy and very enticing. To many NFs at least...
Well, it is fascinating you all mention NF's are prone to that. Two of the people who did this are INFJ's, but the other ones aren't.
 

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I've idealized crushes and people I really admired, that I never interacted with or much. I've been idealized twice (that I know of, mostly out of interactions) and what I thought the other person thought of me felt like a lie. It felt like there was a disconnect.

I don't know if it can be avoided, I mean, you can be aware that people have their issues and their flaws but you might still feel as if they're the greatest thing ever. I think it happens because, at least with people you're not close to, the distance creates a kind of mystery and a sort of allure. You don't know them, so they can be anything you want. In fact, to you, they are. They're so much of what you want, it's almost cathartic to have them in your life, as something to think about and have happy feelings around. A pleasant little fantasy full of endorphins that takes you away from life.
 

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I am guilty of idealizing others. I don't think anyone has idealized me.

I dunno, if I like somebody then I don't really care about their flaws. I'm sort of all-or-nothing.
 

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For those of you who have idealized someone, did that ever end? And was reality disappointing?

I think I was able to shake that view, from most of those who experienced that with me, by being frank with them. Some are still a work in progress though.
 

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For those of you who have idealized someone, did that ever end? And was reality disappointing?

I think I was able to shake that view, from most of those who experienced that with me, by being frank with them. Some are still a work in progress though.
At the time I went into the relationship, I was already going through inferior fe grip, so can't say if I can provide a right view. I did idealize my ex boyfriend. I communicated it all to him. I had a tendency to idealize almost everyone ( because I myself used to feel that I am fundamentally flawed out of no reason. This might be because I was under codependent parents being emotionally abused and gaslighted a lot).

One thing I did after around 5months was, that I tried and pushed myself to not "not love" my ex because of his faults. I forced on myself this. I saw his faults I validated his faults, but I pushed myself to loving him. But this later on proved on to be my mistake. I should have listened to my intuition instead. He was a covert narcissist.
Now his part, he too idealized me. He highlighted again and again that "why I am the best for him, why we would be the best couple, why we would be the only one for each other. Although I didn't use to agree with his logics, but his such talks used to make me believe that he isn't going to leave me." Later on it came that his logics change with his own moods and feelings and how he wants the situation to be. I couldn't believe I was in a web of lying and manipulation!

So one thing is for sure.. "idealizing the person" in a relationship is the worst thing one can do. (Its only my opinion from my overall experience with everyone). We tend to blame ourselves for any mishappenings then. We ignore the red signs too, when we idealize the person. We go into denial too.

(Take it with a grain of salt)

I ve read this that "idealizing the person" is one of the signs of love addiction. May be you could get your answer there.
 

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I've done some idealizing in the early stages of infatuation. Yeah.
This is something that mostly happens before I get to know the person.

idk if I've been idealized. Never asked.
 

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I'm not very prone to idealizing people, and it hasn't really worked for my advantage. It doesn't seem to be socially acceptable for parents to not idealize their children, for instance. I've heard gasps of horror when I've said that of course my babies weren't the most beautiful creatures ever. Also I've had to learn the hard way that, in a romantic relationship, saying "I don't care that you're *insert a negative trait*, I love you just as you are" can get you in trouble, if the other person was expecting you to see them in a very idealized way and not notice the negative things at all.
 
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Well, it is fascinating you all mention NF's are prone to that. Two of the people who did this are INFJ's, but the other ones aren't.
Not to say that other types don't do it, I think NFs just are particularly prone. I know I have conjured mental perfection in my mind for as long as I can remember ... I was constructing perfect utopias in my mind when I was 8, and all my dreams are always people-related i.e. I don't think about perfect concepts, ideas or systems. I dream of perfect beings and the kinds of perfect societies they would build. Perfect art, perfect love, perfect compassion, perfect connection...

For those of you who have idealized someone, did that ever end? And was reality disappointing
Not only did it end, I tend to become quite melancholic about it all afterwards. It's not that reality is disappointing, it's more that ... I am disappointed that I wasn't better able to see reality for what it is, i.e. I am disappointed in my own mind.
 
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I am sure I have been in certain kind of situation when you have desperate feelings towards somebody. I can name one or two crushes/dates that could represent that situation. I had never ended well.

I don't personally know if there were more than one person who idealized myself. That one mistaken guy, he thought I was whatever a person with repressed emotions needs. Despite of his almost sociopathic behaviour, he was a funny and handsome guy that guy.

Why it happens? Because people have the impression they know the others very well, that they are masters of guessing others thoughts. They should talk to each other much more. Guess the topics of their talks that are the key. :)
 

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I think you do not need to idealizate your lovely person or maybe yourself. If you gonna to have well relationship you shoud keep doing the best to your sweet person, to be better for her or him but not to imitate someone other. Just be yourself
 

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This is far more complex than it seems on the surface. There are many words to properly name interactions and emotions, like let's say building "expectations".

Has anyone idealized you?
The usual 3 tricks of people who want to manipulate you (usual, not saying there are only 3):

-> compliments, praising (before & after you do what you should) like giving cookies to a dog
-- the opposite: you suck, you never do it right, you will fail anyway (so you would want to do it)
-- oh I suffer, nobody loves me, nobody wants to help me (you know the same old victimizing)

Or have you done that to someone in your life?
I build my own concept of people around me based on what they do (not what they think), and I also pay close attention (even ask) for their motivations, people can do things with bad intentions or pride, so this helps me to have a realistic view of people, more like: trying to be careful building expectations. I don't think I idealize people: I put great effort on giving them (fair) space to fail and make mistakes, we all do so to me it's the human thing to do. Idealizing? sounds easy but many times it's people who build false expectations (and UNFAIR ones) from others.

Has anyone idealized you?
I don't know. I would have answered "yes, two that I remember" but I'm not really sure. First because a lot of people might want to manipulate you or just find you useful and they are just telling you!, it just happens in a way you don't understand what's really happening.

Second because IF you read enough intj threads you might find we have and build all sort of skills (multiple) and most don't care about money. I mean lots of threads of intjs who can do "XX" but rather walk in the park, so most people tell them "oh you are so -whatever- why don't you XX?".

And third because depending on your past you/me might have self esteem issues and you would find the good concept of people around you difficult to understand or accept.

Why do you think that happens? And can it be avoided?
Immature people can build complex false scenarios and expectations. Avoided? yes cutting contact, there is nothing you can do. In most cases (due to people not being really healthy emotionally) people idealizing you see a value on you FOR/IN their lives.
 

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Oh boy, it's story time.

So, I have been idealized once. Actually, this was the first time someone has expressed romantic interest in me and, well, uh... I really wish it had been different and more like a fairytale or anything else nice. It was a guy from a support group for people with ASD.

He was eight years older than I was (note: I was 17 when that happened) and never had a girlfriend which he has revealed in one of his first messages. Good start, right? I have never expressed any kind of interest in any kind of relationship, neither a friendship nor in a romantic context. We have literally talked for an hour. An hour. When me and my mother - who came to the meetings because the area is sketchy and I'm a scaredy cat - were waiting for the bus, he was too.

He talked about his life and all - that he only went to school til the 6th grade and the sent to some kind of institution as they didn't diagnose him with autism until later in his life and just thought he was "behaving bad", that he had neither a job nor ever graduated from anything else but elementary school and said that his mother died not too long ago. It was.. apparent. He constantly asked for the definiton of words as he simply did not understand what they meant. It was an unfortunate situation, yeah. He also talked about how much he liked steampunk and said he liked my hat (which had steampunk-ish goggles) and showed us pictures of his steampunk pirate outfit which he ocasionally wore on events - it actually looked nice. He also expressed that he suffered from loneliness and that he never had a girlfriend. Oh boy, what a red flag.

Since my mother's got a good heart she offered him to exchange numbers as she wanted to help him get a job and maybe do something with us. I was... horrified, honestly. By how fast she came to that conclusion. He asked me for my number but I declined. Mind you: I'm very much careful who I give my number to as I don't want to be bothered by people I have no interest in. As I said, I was not interested in any kind of contact but eh, she wanted it so my mother gave her number. Bad decision.

Told my sister about this. She was confused and asked why I didn't want that. I told her that we didn't have anything in common and that there wouldn't be anything we'd be able to talk about. Fortunately I did not listen to her.

Soon it began. Here a summary of what he sent:

 
> He sent us messages saying how much he'd like to see me again (after this one hour long talk)
> He said that he thought I was "really pretty"+ which really made me feel umcomfortable, he said "and if she's uncomfortable with her body, that's not a problem, she's really cute and pretty"
> Again, he said he "never had a girlfriend before"
>Throughout the conversations, he repeatedly stated that he didn't want things to be weird as I was "still underage" and he was 25, hoping that it would not be a problem
> He demanded holiday photos of our family. My mother has said that she might send him some but none of her children (my sister, brother and I) wanted that and he insisted on them. We refused as - at this point - we were afraid of what he'd do with our and specififcally my photos. Ew.
> He f*ckin invited himself to my prom as his date (which still makes me cry, it's just unbelievable)
> He said "she's as shy as I am and that's so cute" and "we're so alike"
> Yes, we were getting tired. Yes, my mother was shocked and I was livid and it was a nightmare to wake up with another message. Yes, we tried telling him to stop messaging us. No, he didn't stop.
> After telling him to stop, he said that "he didn't understand what was going on". That wouldn't have been a problem as ASD can be the finest and most sprinkled kind of cr*p to deal with & he's got no human interaction skills but even after exlaining that I did not want to pursue a relationship, he did not stop
> He explained that "it wasn't his fault for writing this but it was because he had been drinking alcohol". This man got better everytime we learned something new about him. Being an alcoholic is very endearing.
> Proceeded to say that "he still wanted to meet me" and "that I was the perfect girl for him"
> He said that "he never had talked to a girl/woman besides his mother" and that I was the first one, stating that "he's been lonely ever since" which is why "he acted like this"
> He said that ever since we have been trying to remove him from our lives he has been feeling depressed (which was a period of three months)
> He said I was the love of his life
> In the end this man said he'd "never find true love if he couldn't even get with a fellow person on the ASD spectrum"
> In his last messages he threatened us that he'd kill himself if I didn't want to have contact with him. Nice try manipulating us
> We said we didn't want him to talk to us again which he has not done until this day, a bit more than half a year later
> He didn't come to any meetups again after that
> Now that I think about it, I remember him being kinda annoyed by the fact that we sometimes didn't reply because my mother was working and I was at school. He also apparently did this to another member of the support group who exchanged numbers with him



What's to note is also that he, when my mother (who works in a sheltered workshop) offered him a job, he refused as this job "wouldn't put him in a better financial state" even though he never graduated or an apprenticeship. He said that he once tried to at least catch up his highschool education but he "was overwhelmed and stopped going after a few days". That means he did not intend to change his position, he had no aspirations besides getting his Willy Wonker sugared and blamed everyone but himself (the alcohol, dead mother).

Also, don't forget: This was still my mother's phone he's been sending these informations to. Not mine. It's bad either way but sending stuff like this to your "crush's" mother rather... questionable I dare say.

I've been idealizing some people I look up to but I'd never dream of making them feel umcomfortable, hell and heaven no. Never would I let anyone know about that, let alone act out on it. Whenever I get out of it though, it's likely a mix of being embarrassed and relieved. Only happened like... twice? It's possibly mainly due to the fact that, as previous posters already said, you don't know very much about a person as therefore project your idealized version on them or maybe you're straight up in denial.

 
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For those of you who have idealized someone, did that ever end? And was reality disappointing?

I think I was able to shake that view, from most of those who experienced that with me, by being frank with them. Some are still a work in progress though.
It subsided for me insofar I didn't think about them as much. But I still held them in high regards. For me, I can recognize their faults, even the really big ones, off putting ones, but there are aspects about who they are / how I perceive them that still make me think they're the best thing since sliced bread.

Like, I found out a person I really admired had basically fabricated their entire persona (this was online), even after this, there's still something about them.

That's not really something to be proud of, but there's just this disconnect between what you know about the person, and how you know you should rationally feel about them (if they're a liar you shouldn't admire them at all) and how you feel about them and how you perceive them.

But, eventually it does subside altogether for me. It just takes a while. Sometimes someone else to idealize. It's a bad habit.
 

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I could count the people I idealized in my life on one hand, (if it's real idealization we're talking about, otherwise I kind of idealize everybody, I refuse to look at others in a critical eye, which has played against me at several points in my life) all of them are people who inspired me on such a high level, I couldn't help but get attracted to them and pay attention to every word, every movement, everything seemed so perfect about them. Then when I found out about MBTI I realized that they were all ENFP and I was captivated by their authenticity, wanting to learn from them. It forms a strong base for a friendship, at some point the giant flare becomes simple joy and gratitude for knowing the person. @Llyralen is one of those people, the others are 'mentors' I've had in real life.
 
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