Ideals clashing with reality: something is gonna give

1408 Views 14 Replies 8 Participants Last post by WonderN2Wonder, May 26, 2012

bottlerocket

Discussion Starter · May 25, 2012 (Edited)

Hello, all. I'm in a less down mood now that I know what is going on. (See the following thread if you care to see the state of mind I was recently in. Thanks to those of you who shared words of kindness despite my whining. It's good to let things out and be accepted. And encouraged. And tough-loved a bit. http://personalitycafe.com/infp-forum-idealists/99487-infps-sex-love-unhappy.html )

I'll make this short: I am idealistic about relationships. ("Zomg! What!?" you say.) Here is the problem. I've realized a pattern. When I care and want a relationship, the girl doesn't, even though she may seem into me, make out with me, text me, talk on the phone for an hour plus (like the girl I'm currently talking about). My most success with a girl ("success") happens when she initiates, she likes me, I don't really care that much, and we "date" for a while because I don't completely dislike her. Then I break up with her. For real, I've never been broken up with. You know why?? Cuz a girl I really like has never dated me. This is true. I'm not being funny. I'm not being self-deprecating. This is my reality.

This isn't as short as I wanted it to be: So this beautiful, wonderful girl who I've spent 3 months talking to (and some years prior to this knowing) fed me the bullshit line "I'm not ready for a relationship right now." Haha!
Subtext: "I'm ready for a relationship with someone that I'm into, and that isn't you." Which I get. Not everyone can like everyone. BUT, I did some research on this bullshit phrase, and you know what I found? Pick-up artist forums talking about it. And how it happens when guys "need" a girl or show too much interest or come on too strong.

And here is the point: My ideals of having a true emotional connection with a girl has NEVER worked. The more I care, the less it works. The less I care, the easier it is to date a girl. Is it time to give up my little fantastical idea of "true love", "true emotional connection with another human"? I do fucking believe it is time. And I'm not even upset right now (that's a lie, but I'm not out-of-my-mind upset or insane right now), I feel pretty rational. As much as I like to "feel" my truth, I do believe in science. And I think my little unfortunate experiments are showing me the truth. So, to believe blindly, or to question my beliefs and change my ways.

Thanks for sticking around.

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Berns321

· #2 · May 25, 2012

well these girls....the ones that really like you, but you don't care for as much...maybe u should try giving them a little more than a week xD maybe your missing out on exactly what you are looking for... I mean think about it...what if the girls you really liked but didn't like you back gave you more of a chance??
Be the better man.
I think I said this on a other forum like yesterday. We wait forever on the one person brave enough to break down our walls, what's if the other person needs someone to break down their own walls just as much!
I don't know anything about love. And I'm pretty skeptical about the whole thing...but I think life is about living out your questions. And hopefully someday through that living you'll find the answers? Or not either way....domt let your ideals keep you from swing what's right in front of you? perfectly unperfect, beautiful flaws and all

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bottlerocket

Discussion Starter · #3 · May 25, 2012

@Berns321, I have given people time. I don't ditch them after a week (haha), but I get what you're saying. I've given months-long (and in one sad case years) to relationships that I knew weren't gonna go far. I hear you, and you are right that I could find whta I'm looking for where I don't expect it.

Reactions: 1

Berns321

· #4 · May 25, 2012

oh. Yeah I feel you though....its like a crisis really. I totally believed in true love and all that stuff you see in Disney movies growing up
in fact I believed in pretty much everything....and then now through life experience and reflection I have more doubt about a lot of things than any of my friends or family. And its really hard, but it's unavoidable. So depressing at times =/
I think infps have such a great capacity for love, but we also easily perceive the truth and are so aware of ourselves and the world.. so it's like a constant battle Between our inner world and the outside world. Hah its tuff =<

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FaveteLinguis

· #5 · May 25, 2012

Be fair to yourself, and to others. Dating chicks that chase after you and you don't see it going far? Why bother carrying on? I know, I get it. I did the same shit when I was younger. The risk and rejection are easier to handle when you're in the position of not caring as much. Hell, it's even nice to have a lil bit of intimacy, physical contact, and someone who appreciates you. In some ways that may be all you need and not even realize it. Could be a case of the grass being greener on the other side of the fence. Either way I just encourage you to consider your actions a little bit more in the future.

As far as the women you like not wanting to be with you when you feel it. Two words: fuck it. Seriously, rejection is not that bad at all. It saves you a lot of trouble in the future of trying to raise some kind of interest that isn't there. At the very least you know where you stand with somebody. That doesn't exactly give you a permit to act like a total ********* in the the future, but it is a different perspective on situations. There are billions of fish in the sea, live your life on your terms and you'll eventually get to where you need to be.

Then again I've been single for years now, and still hesitant about leaping on either side of the fence in regards to relationships and singledom. The caveat is that even with some drama and bumps in the life road, I'm pretty content/happy overall. Don't settle for less than what you want, and learn/act on all that is necessary to get there.

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Herp

· #6 · May 25, 2012

Three words that made your post lose all validity: "Pick-up Artist"

Seriously man, I do understand (And to a great extent, been to) the situations you've described, such as not making a relationship with a girl I wanted work, but I think you're overdoing yourself. I hate the 'You should give the time some time" talk, but you may be coming off as desperate to possible mate because you have set that you need a partner in order to be happy.

And even though I agree that a partner can bring happiness, it's not everything. You are seeing love as a goal, not as something that develops when both parties are interested in each other. It seems to me that you are love-hungry, but just feeding yourself is somewhat selfish.

What makes you so sure that these love interests of yours could be the right person? Love can show up where you least expect.

Just don't sweat it out, man.

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Kynx

· #7 · May 25, 2012

Have you thought about why there's a pattern?

That's where you will find out what you need to know.

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infpblog

· #8 · May 25, 2012

You like this girl, but you might not be what she needs her life right now. You're focusing on what you need which is a romantic relationship. The ideal is that you think that she's perfect for you. The reality is that you might not be perfect for her.

With all relationships, you focus on what you can control. You can control asking someone out to dinner. You can't control if they say yes or no. You can't control if they have a good time. You can control whether you have a good time. I find the people who are responsible for their own happiness are the ones I want to be around. I don't feel pressure that I have to be responsible on whether they enjoy themselves.

So she doesn't want to date you. At least she's honest, instead of dating you because she doesn't really care that much and she doesn't completely dislike you and then breaks up with you once she gets bored enough.

Have you considered why you feel bored with girls that show interest in you and that might be the same reason this girl you like doesn't want to date you? With the girls you broke up with, what would they need to have done for you to be interested? Could they have done anything at all?

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WonderN2Wonder

· #9 · May 25, 2012

I think you should swear off relationships for a while and get to know yourself. Life doesn't start or "count" only when you're in a relationship. You need to grow and find yourself. The women you will be attracted to might also shift at the same time. It could calibrate you to a better channel.

Reactions: 3

bottlerocket

Discussion Starter · #10 · May 25, 2012

WonderN2Wonder said:
I think you should swear off relationships for a while and get to know yourself. Life doesn't start or "count" only when you're in a relationship. You need to grow and find yourself.

I appreciate this, and I sincerely ask "How?" I am kind of at a loss as to what to do to become a more complete person. Sure I feel a bit fragmented, but I'm not how to approach this.

Reactions: 1

mimesis

· #11 · May 25, 2012

bottlerocket said:
Hello, all. I'm in a less down mood now that I know what is going on. (See the following thread if you care to see the state of mind I was recently in. Thanks to those of you who shared words of kindness despite my whining. It's good to let things out and be accepted. And encouraged. And tough-loved a bit. http://personalitycafe.com/infp-forum-idealists/99487-infps-sex-love-unhappy.html )

I'll make this short: I am idealistic about relationships. ("Zomg! What!?" you say.) Here is the problem. I've realized a pattern. When I care and want a relationship, the girl doesn't, even though she may seem into me, make out with me, text me, talk on the phone for an hour plus (like the girl I'm currently talking about). My most success with a girl ("success") happens when she initiates, she likes me, I don't really care that much, and we "date" for a while because I don't completely dislike her. Then I break up with her. For real, I've never been broken up with. You know why?? Cuz a girl I really like has never dated me. This is true. I'm not being funny. I'm not being self-deprecating. This is my reality.

This isn't as short as I wanted it to be: So this beautiful, wonderful girl who I've spent 3 months talking to (and some years prior to this knowing) fed me the bullshit line "I'm not ready for a relationship right now." Haha!
Subtext: "I'm ready for a relationship with someone that I'm into, and that isn't you." Which I get. Not everyone can like everyone. BUT, I did some research on this bullshit phrase, and you know what I found? Pick-up artist forums talking about it. And how it happens when guys "need" a girl or show too much interest or come on too strong.

And here is the point: My ideals of having a true emotional connection with a girl has NEVER worked. The more I care, the less it works. The less I care, the easier it is to date a girl. Is it time to give up my little fantastical idea of "true love", "true emotional connection with another human"? I do fucking believe it is time. And I'm not even upset right now (that's a lie, but I'm not out-of-my-mind upset or insane right now), I feel pretty rational. As much as I like to "feel" my truth, I do believe in science. And I think my little unfortunate experiments are showing me the truth. So, to believe blindly, or to question my beliefs and change my ways.

Thanks for sticking around.

Pick up artist is a load of crap.
Woman chooses man.
Be a challenge. Use your eyes.

Don't know why I'm even saying this. :dry:

Reactions: 1

WonderN2Wonder

· #12 · May 25, 2012

bottlerocket said:
I appreciate this, and I sincerely ask "How?" I am kind of at a loss as to what to do to become a more complete person. Sure I feel a bit fragmented, but I'm not how to approach this.

This is a great question! You might already be doing some of the things I am about to suggest. Also, if you are in a scenario of being around women all of the time (ie: school), I know this could be a bit more challenging. Anyway, I think you should go out of your way to spend time with yourself. Go to a movie on your own. Get into some of your favorite activities and for lack of a better word, hobbies; and perfect them (if it's something creative).

Keep a journal. I also think this blog is really helpful: Personal Development - Think Simple Now Consider doing some of the exercises on it (especially the ideal mate challenge).

Hang out with more neutral people of varying ages.

I'm not saying that you should kill your romantic views, but maybe put them on a hiatus for a while. Sometimes when you haven't had something for a while, you see it in a new way when you have it again. You might appreciate it differently, for new reasons, later on.

I hope this helps a bit!

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bottlerocket

Discussion Starter · #13 · May 25, 2012

@WonderN2Wonder - Thank you very much. I'll be spending some time on that site and "working" on myself. I feel overwhelmed at the amount of work I feel I need. I'm sure you understand.

Ultimately, I need to take responsibility. This stuff isn't gonna work itself out on its own. The more I think about it, the more I realize "I'm not ready for a relationship, either". Haha.

Reactions: 2

WonderN2Wonder

· #14 · May 25, 2012

bottlerocket said:
@WonderN2Wonder - Thank you very much. I'll be spending some time on that site and "working" on myself. I feel overwhelmed at the amount of work I feel I need. I'm sure you understand.

Ultimately, I need to take responsibility. This stuff isn't gonna work itself out on its own. The more I think about it, the more I realize "I'm not ready for a relationship, either". Haha.

I am giggling because I think that's the golden question; "Who IS ready for a relationship?" Sometimes they just happen and then you're in it and going, "WTF?!" One of the most valuable things you can do for you and whoever you wind up with is to love YOU. Enjoy your own company and be content with yourself. What you might be seeking in someone else is probably something you've got to find in yourself. Yeah, yeah, I know this is all "That's a nice thought", sayings... but NOW I get it.

I'm 33 and have spent my entire 20s and the last three years in a handful of long-term relationships. I started to recognize how incredibly important it was for me to be on my own for a while and figure out who I am. Not me and "my bf". It's amazing how much you can lose your sense of self after so much time being around someone else.

The last thing I can say is that my very best relationships came about when I simply have let go. In fact, I finally wound up with my dream guy and it happened when I simply expressed my heart with him and then released the whole thing (as in I let it go and didn't actively pursue him), and moved on with my life. He knew where I stood and he saw that I was content to let him make the decision on his own. It also helped that we were extremely comfortable being around each other.

Anyway.. jabbering on! I believe you will find what you are seeking. Sometimes it's one of those things when you need to step back and give your eyes a break. You finally see what you were looking for next time to look.

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WonderN2Wonder

· #15 · May 26, 2012

One more point that came to mind! Consider giving yourself a workable time frame that you can stick to. So for instance, consider giving yourself a 3 month hiatus, marking it down somewhere. Pledge to take your focus off of women and relationships for that amount of time.

After 3 months has past, give yourself a little look-over. See how you feel about your current status. Are you finding your mind less focused on relationships? Are you feeling more focused on other elements in your life? Are you ready to get back in the game or do you want to give yourself another 3 months?

This is a good way to keep the scary "I will be alone forever" mentality out of the approach to flying solo in heart, mind and soul.

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