I think you should swear off relationships for a while and get to know yourself. Life doesn't start or "count" only when you're in a relationship. You need to grow and find yourself. The women you will be attracted to might also shift at the same time. It could calibrate you to a better channel.
Ideals clashing with reality: something is gonna give
Hello, all. I'm in a less down mood now that I know what is going on. (See the following thread if you care to see the state of mind I was recently in. Thanks to those of you who shared words of kindness despite my whining. It's good to let things out and be accepted. And encouraged. And tough-loved a bit. http://personalitycafe.com/infp-forum-idealists/99487-infps-sex-love-unhappy.html )
I'll make this short: I am idealistic about relationships. ("Zomg! What!?" you say.) Here is the problem. I've realized a pattern. When I care and want a relationship, the girl doesn't, even though she may seem into me, make out with me, text me, talk on the phone for an hour plus (like the girl I'm currently talking about). My most success with a girl ("success") happens when she initiates, she likes me, I don't really care that much, and we "date" for a while because I don't completely dislike her. Then I break up with her. For real, I've never been broken up with. You know why?? Cuz a girl I really like has never dated me. This is true. I'm not being funny. I'm not being self-deprecating. This is my reality.
This isn't as short as I wanted it to be: So this beautiful, wonderful girl who I've spent 3 months talking to (and some years prior to this knowing) fed me the bullshit line "I'm not ready for a relationship right now." Haha!
Subtext: "I'm ready for a relationship with someone that I'm into, and that isn't you." Which I get. Not everyone can like everyone. BUT, I did some research on this bullshit phrase, and you know what I found? Pick-up artist forums talking about it. And how it happens when guys "need" a girl or show too much interest or come on too strong.
And here is the point: My ideals of having a true emotional connection with a girl has NEVER worked. The more I care, the less it works. The less I care, the easier it is to date a girl. Is it time to give up my little fantastical idea of "true love", "true emotional connection with another human"? I do fucking believe it is time. And I'm not even upset right now (that's a lie, but I'm not out-of-my-mind upset or insane right now), I feel pretty rational. As much as I like to "feel" my truth, I do believe in science. And I think my little unfortunate experiments are showing me the truth. So, to believe blindly, or to question my beliefs and change my ways.
Thanks for sticking around.
I'll make this short: I am idealistic about relationships. ("Zomg! What!?" you say.) Here is the problem. I've realized a pattern. When I care and want a relationship, the girl doesn't, even though she may seem into me, make out with me, text me, talk on the phone for an hour plus (like the girl I'm currently talking about). My most success with a girl ("success") happens when she initiates, she likes me, I don't really care that much, and we "date" for a while because I don't completely dislike her. Then I break up with her. For real, I've never been broken up with. You know why?? Cuz a girl I really like has never dated me. This is true. I'm not being funny. I'm not being self-deprecating. This is my reality.
This isn't as short as I wanted it to be: So this beautiful, wonderful girl who I've spent 3 months talking to (and some years prior to this knowing) fed me the bullshit line "I'm not ready for a relationship right now." Haha!
Subtext: "I'm ready for a relationship with someone that I'm into, and that isn't you." Which I get. Not everyone can like everyone. BUT, I did some research on this bullshit phrase, and you know what I found? Pick-up artist forums talking about it. And how it happens when guys "need" a girl or show too much interest or come on too strong.
And here is the point: My ideals of having a true emotional connection with a girl has NEVER worked. The more I care, the less it works. The less I care, the easier it is to date a girl. Is it time to give up my little fantastical idea of "true love", "true emotional connection with another human"? I do fucking believe it is time. And I'm not even upset right now (that's a lie, but I'm not out-of-my-mind upset or insane right now), I feel pretty rational. As much as I like to "feel" my truth, I do believe in science. And I think my little unfortunate experiments are showing me the truth. So, to believe blindly, or to question my beliefs and change my ways.
Thanks for sticking around.
1 - 4 of 15 Posts
This is a great question! You might already be doing some of the things I am about to suggest. Also, if you are in a scenario of being around women all of the time (ie: school), I know this could be a bit more challenging. Anyway, I think you should go out of your way to spend time with yourself. Go to a movie on your own. Get into some of your favorite activities and for lack of a better word, hobbies; and perfect them (if it's something creative).I appreciate this, and I sincerely ask "How?" I am kind of at a loss as to what to do to become a more complete person. Sure I feel a bit fragmented, but I'm not how to approach this.
Keep a journal. I also think this blog is really helpful: Personal Development - Think Simple Now Consider doing some of the exercises on it (especially the ideal mate challenge).
Hang out with more neutral people of varying ages.
I'm not saying that you should kill your romantic views, but maybe put them on a hiatus for a while. Sometimes when you haven't had something for a while, you see it in a new way when you have it again. You might appreciate it differently, for new reasons, later on.
I hope this helps a bit!
I am giggling because I think that's the golden question; "Who IS ready for a relationship?" Sometimes they just happen and then you're in it and going, "WTF?!" One of the most valuable things you can do for you and whoever you wind up with is to love YOU. Enjoy your own company and be content with yourself. What you might be seeking in someone else is probably something you've got to find in yourself. Yeah, yeah, I know this is all "That's a nice thought", sayings... but NOW I get it.@WonderN2Wonder - Thank you very much. I'll be spending some time on that site and "working" on myself. I feel overwhelmed at the amount of work I feel I need. I'm sure you understand.
Ultimately, I need to take responsibility. This stuff isn't gonna work itself out on its own. The more I think about it, the more I realize "I'm not ready for a relationship, either". Haha.
I'm 33 and have spent my entire 20s and the last three years in a handful of long-term relationships. I started to recognize how incredibly important it was for me to be on my own for a while and figure out who I am. Not me and "my bf". It's amazing how much you can lose your sense of self after so much time being around someone else.
The last thing I can say is that my very best relationships came about when I simply have let go. In fact, I finally wound up with my dream guy and it happened when I simply expressed my heart with him and then released the whole thing (as in I let it go and didn't actively pursue him), and moved on with my life. He knew where I stood and he saw that I was content to let him make the decision on his own. It also helped that we were extremely comfortable being around each other.
Anyway.. jabbering on! I believe you will find what you are seeking. Sometimes it's one of those things when you need to step back and give your eyes a break. You finally see what you were looking for next time to look.
One more point that came to mind! Consider giving yourself a workable time frame that you can stick to. So for instance, consider giving yourself a 3 month hiatus, marking it down somewhere. Pledge to take your focus off of women and relationships for that amount of time.
After 3 months has past, give yourself a little look-over. See how you feel about your current status. Are you finding your mind less focused on relationships? Are you feeling more focused on other elements in your life? Are you ready to get back in the game or do you want to give yourself another 3 months?
This is a good way to keep the scary "I will be alone forever" mentality out of the approach to flying solo in heart, mind and soul.
After 3 months has past, give yourself a little look-over. See how you feel about your current status. Are you finding your mind less focused on relationships? Are you feeling more focused on other elements in your life? Are you ready to get back in the game or do you want to give yourself another 3 months?
This is a good way to keep the scary "I will be alone forever" mentality out of the approach to flying solo in heart, mind and soul.
1 - 4 of 15 Posts
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