Ideals clashing with reality: something is gonna give

1413 Views 14 Replies 8 Participants Last post by WonderN2Wonder, May 26, 2012

bottlerocket

Discussion Starter · May 25, 2012 (Edited)

Hello, all. I'm in a less down mood now that I know what is going on. (See the following thread if you care to see the state of mind I was recently in. Thanks to those of you who shared words of kindness despite my whining. It's good to let things out and be accepted. And encouraged. And tough-loved a bit. http://personalitycafe.com/infp-forum-idealists/99487-infps-sex-love-unhappy.html )

I'll make this short: I am idealistic about relationships. ("Zomg! What!?" you say.) Here is the problem. I've realized a pattern. When I care and want a relationship, the girl doesn't, even though she may seem into me, make out with me, text me, talk on the phone for an hour plus (like the girl I'm currently talking about). My most success with a girl ("success") happens when she initiates, she likes me, I don't really care that much, and we "date" for a while because I don't completely dislike her. Then I break up with her. For real, I've never been broken up with. You know why?? Cuz a girl I really like has never dated me. This is true. I'm not being funny. I'm not being self-deprecating. This is my reality.

This isn't as short as I wanted it to be: So this beautiful, wonderful girl who I've spent 3 months talking to (and some years prior to this knowing) fed me the bullshit line "I'm not ready for a relationship right now." Haha!
Subtext: "I'm ready for a relationship with someone that I'm into, and that isn't you." Which I get. Not everyone can like everyone. BUT, I did some research on this bullshit phrase, and you know what I found? Pick-up artist forums talking about it. And how it happens when guys "need" a girl or show too much interest or come on too strong.

And here is the point: My ideals of having a true emotional connection with a girl has NEVER worked. The more I care, the less it works. The less I care, the easier it is to date a girl. Is it time to give up my little fantastical idea of "true love", "true emotional connection with another human"? I do fucking believe it is time. And I'm not even upset right now (that's a lie, but I'm not out-of-my-mind upset or insane right now), I feel pretty rational. As much as I like to "feel" my truth, I do believe in science. And I think my little unfortunate experiments are showing me the truth. So, to believe blindly, or to question my beliefs and change my ways.

Thanks for sticking around.

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infpblog

· #8 · May 25, 2012

You like this girl, but you might not be what she needs her life right now. You're focusing on what you need which is a romantic relationship. The ideal is that you think that she's perfect for you. The reality is that you might not be perfect for her.

With all relationships, you focus on what you can control. You can control asking someone out to dinner. You can't control if they say yes or no. You can't control if they have a good time. You can control whether you have a good time. I find the people who are responsible for their own happiness are the ones I want to be around. I don't feel pressure that I have to be responsible on whether they enjoy themselves.

So she doesn't want to date you. At least she's honest, instead of dating you because she doesn't really care that much and she doesn't completely dislike you and then breaks up with you once she gets bored enough.

Have you considered why you feel bored with girls that show interest in you and that might be the same reason this girl you like doesn't want to date you? With the girls you broke up with, what would they need to have done for you to be interested? Could they have done anything at all?

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