Self-compassion, mate -- radical compassion.
Your profile says you're a 3; it sounds like in high school you were caught up in and invigorated by the tides of your social group, and the culture there. Maybe you relied on external things to give you a connection to yourself, and while you had a strong connection, it was vital and powerful and good. But when that way of expressing yourself ended, you were left with no way to outwardly "be" yourself, and that's when you began losing touch with who you really were on the inside.
Our inner crises happen because we need to address whatever problem is at the center of them. Your life belongs to you. Even if someone can provide an answer for you, what is needed is the ability to find it yourself, day to day, year to year. It's the art of knowing what you need, what's right for you, what you feel pulled to do. And I think that's the very heart of type 3. Not just being who people expect you to be, not just an outer "identity" -- oh the title of this thread! -- but an inner SELF. Being who you deeply, internally know and feel that you NEED to be.
I think this is about hearing yourself -- and letting yourself speak. Emotions are how a very deep and important part of you speaks. We all need space and permission to be unhappy, if that's what we feel; permission to be upset; permission to be numb, even. But at the same time remaining conscious, keeping a compassionate-friend part of yourself awake to notice what happens -- and to not be impressed by it. ("Even though there's a lot of sadness here, that doesn't necessarily mean the world is TRULY a horrible place and everything is hopeless. Feelings don't always tell the truth about reality. That isn't their purpose. What can I learn by hearing out this sadness? What clues or messages could it have for me?") When you allow feelings to happen, there's less resistance in your mind. And by staying conscious of the process, you can learn more about those feelings and the needs behind them. With permission, spaciousness and self-compassion, a new dimension unfolds, a place that can be filled with insight and understanding.
The things that you can learn about yourself through interacting with this situation, and the attitudes you can develop, and the deep wisdom that will eventually come of it -- they'll stay with you for the rest of your life.
It is the beginning: the threshold of conscious, true-self living. Or it could be, if you choose.
All that said, it does sound like you may be depressed. A good therapist can really help in figuring these things out; and feeling better while doing so, by way of anti-depressants, can be super helpful -- especially since you've been in this state for so long. Imagine quitting smoking: there's still plenty of work to be done with emotions and behavior patterns, if you want it to stick -- "why did I start smoking? What does it give me now?" -- but using a nicotine gum or patch, to interrupt the physical habit, can make the difference in being able to keep at it or not. To put it another way, if your brain is stuck in "depression" gear, it's not weakness to use some oil to help it ease back out -- or to go see a specialist (like a mechanic!..for your mind).
But, naturally, your reasons for this resistance to the idea are your own... I would say, though, that whatever challenging or scary things you want/need/decide to do, like telling your family, it is TOTALLY worthwhile to try and figure out how to make that hard thing easier. Telling only one kind, sensitive person first, for example, so that you feel like you have someone on your side even if they can't functionally help; or writing it in a letter if you prefer, or telling them in a place or situation that would make you more comfortable with it.
Your needs are valid, and your feelings are valid. Anyone who says that you "don't need" help, or "it's not that bad," or otherwise dismisses your experience -- they're out of line, not you. You deserve to feel better and be happy, period. And I really hope you do.
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