[PrettyVacant]

Hi guys,

I'm in a fairly new relationship with an INFJ and I need a bit of help.

The stage we're at is we've said the 'L' word.

Firstly, what does this mean to you when you say it to your SO?

Secondly, I just questioned my INFJ earlier today (we're able to be very honest with each other and upfront) and I asked, or rather stated a concern, that if he were in front of a genuinely nice/attractive woman - which is fine by me, I'm not a jealous or possessive partner - and they got on well and she was romantically interested in him, should she lean in for a kiss, I doubted whether he would pull away - whether that be because he sensed perhaps she needed or wanted this affection or because he didn't want to offend said lady or make her feel rejected.

I also said, I wouldn't be totally surprised if one day he found himself in the situation where he found himself 'unintentionally' involved with a person - as in, without trying. Just getting close to someone and suddenly realising it had taken on a more romantic inclination...

Here's the thing, he didn't say no. He simply stated, 'I do sometimes read that persons needs/intentions and it may well be that affection, someone to talk to etc.. is something they require...' and then went on to say that he and I were NOT unintentional and he fell for me for the right reasons. And then the general, stereotypical INFJ bumph - he doesn't fully understand himself, he's sorry for the person he is (I hate when he does that as I LOVE him for the person he is), sorry he's such a 'fuck-up' - but hey, aren't we all a little effed-up somewhere along the line? Er, yeah.

Alcohol had been consumed (him, not me) so I'm not sure if he even took my concern in the correct way? I perhaps shouldn't have said what I said to him - though I figure, I do love him a lot and these are things I want ironed out now, I don't distrust the him at all, I fully believe at this precise moment he's completely devoted to me and would not actively seek or pursue other women romantically, or he wouldn't have said he loved me right? Or am I wrong on that too?

I mean in all honesty, I can't see he'd have the emotional stamina to become involved with another woman, and an 'affair' is not really what I was asking him about OR concerned about - I was just asking, if he had a female friend (and he has quite a few) were to make a move and smack the lips on him, would he make an effort to pull away and say 'Sorry, I have a girlfriend who I love very much' or would he go with it becuase he does have warm feelings for her, as his friend, as well as for perhaps not wanting her to feel rejected etc..

I should have kept my big ENTP mouth shut right? Uh, yeah, thought so.

 

[Sybok]

Hi,

as I speak only for me: I only say love if I am in love with someone. for me, its not just a 4-letter-word, its... a promise. If there is someone else... I would avoid any romantical contact to other persons, I think (never happened to me)... I am (sadly) a persons, who says: without love, there is no sex (or something else)... there have to be feelings for this "step". If I say "I love you", it means "I go down to the underworld and steal the black heart of hades for you"... or the same "real life way" -.-'

€: after writing this, I took a few steps in my living room and in my mind...
the love-word is no one-way-street. If there are problems in the relationship, they have to be spoken out. I tend to give very much... but in return, there have to be a answer, a step in my direction. If there is no answer, no positive reaction, after a certain time... I "give it up":dry:

 

[jd_]

Yeah ... you probably shouldn't ask hypothetical questions like that, personally they would freak me out and make me think you have really bad jealousy issues.

BTW saying "sorry I am a fuck up" has nothing to do with INFJ.

 

[RandomlyChildish]

you have to know that it takes a big effort for an introvert to say 'I love you'. introverts usually will show you signs that they like you, so take notes at the signs he gives.

what does it mean when an INFJ says 'I love you'?
'I love you' & 'I'm in love with you' are usually big words for me, I don't say them too often but when I say it,I really mean it. the people that I say 'I love you' the most are my family members.

 

[TheRevaN]

For me personally "I love you"="You are perfect to me"

 

[Kyrielle]

1. By the time I say "I love you", I freaking mean it. It means that I will no longer be truly attracted to other men (enough to want to get close to them), and I tend to not notice attractiveness in other men as much (unless they're fictional or celebrities, which is excusable for most human beings...and really neither of those are real). I means I'm not going anywhere. That I have made the choice to be with my guy and my guy alone. I don't want to be with anyone else. Does this mean "until death do us part"? No. I'm not that naive. But I know I'll try to keep us together until something irreparable happens to the relationship. And even then I might try to save the shattered remains with duct tape and glue and hopes (I can be very stubborn about cutting my losses).

It also means I accept everything about him. I'll accept his flaws, good traits, dreams, super-freaking annoying quirks, goals, ideas... I don't quite love unconditionally, but it's close. I could not love someone who betrayed me, cheated on me, or hurt me on purpose... So there are conditions, but they are universally accepted conditions that most sane humans expect.

2. Maybe discuss this again when you're both sober.

 

[jd_]

I love you definitely means it though... I think the earliest I've said it is maybe 4-5 months into a relationship. And I've only used it on 3 people I've come across.
I'm over 30, so... there you go.

 

[nuue]

Hypthetical questions as such get me thinking internally, but there'd likely be no answer externally. If there was it would be a dead pan serious answer, that usually doesn't get taken dead pan seriously, and gets blown out of proportion by people who think there's actually more to it when there isn't.

If I say 'I love you', I mean it from the bottom of my heart. I don't say it often if at all if I don't love someone. I'd be one of those individuals who are committed for the long run. If I don't find the relationship beneficial or dying, I'll beat-around-the-bush a bit to explain that I don't see how it was anymore only because I don't want to harm the other individual. I'm saying If and I'd because I've never been in a relationship. But if I was, I would never look for someone else, or tempt myself with the idea of someone else. I couldn't stoop to that. That'd actually make me unhappy. Sure I can have guy friends, but once they start toe testing the line of friendship they'll get pushed back if I am with someone already.

Hopeless romantic I am.

 

[Ylajali]

(4 Paul)

 

[PrettyVacant]

Now I've had a while to think about it, I now realise what an IDIOT I am to question him like this - it's taken us months and months to get to this point; for him to get to this point. He hasn't given me much reason to question him other than he just has this ridiculously HUGE capacity to care about people and be there for them... I am a total dork. We're both approaching our 30's and I KNOW this is his first serious relationship.... Some one give me a virtual slap for being so stupid.

Cue the very apologetic email I'll write, now I'm at home and have come to my senses.

 

[The Ultimate Square Peg]

I wanted to add my own two cents here.

First off, I do agree that it was probably not the best idea to propose a hypothetical question like that to him...that being said, I get it. I've asked questions like that in hopes for a good and reaffirming answer. The problem comes in when the other person isn't naturally verbally affirming by nature. Which, for a lot of INFJs, is the case. We feel very, very deeply and care very strongly, but sometimes we look on the surface to be indifferent, almost. (Still waters run deep...)

I don't think that his lack of affirmation or the fact that he didn't give you a straight "no" should freak you out. From the rest of what he said, it sounded to me like he was considering the question seriously, and trying to give you an honest answer.
(Would I do that? Why would I? Where would I be at in my relationship? Where are we now? Etc...)

Also, I think that it is significant that he pointed out that your relationship was not consequential, and that he was romanically involved with you purposely. I don't believe he would say something like that just "because."

As for the love thing, I can't speak for every INFJ, but I know that when I say "I love you," I absolutely must mean it.
I had a boyfriend in highschool who told me he loved me after three weeks of dating. He was my first boyfriend, and I actually wasn't all that into him... I looked him in the eye, and said, "Thank you. I'm sorry, I can't say that back to you."
Straight forward as that.
And when another boyfriend (who is now my husband, btw) told me he loved me after a few weeks of dating (what's with this pattern here??), I told him the same thing. "I'm not going to say that back until I feel it."
And about a month later, when I really did love him back, I told him so.
Love is something I take very, very seriously, and I get the idea that many INFJs feel that same way. I will say "thank you" to "I love you" if I don't feel it back. Or I will say nothing at all. But I will never say "I love you too" unless that is exactly how I feel.

 

[PrettyVacant]

I wanted to add my own two cents here.

First off, I do agree that it was probably not the best idea to propose a hypothetical question like that to him...that being said, I get it. I've asked questions like that in hopes for a good and reaffirming answer. The problem comes in when the other person isn't naturally verbally affirming by nature. Which, for a lot of INFJs, is the case. We feel very, very deeply and care very strongly, but sometimes we look on the surface to be indifferent, almost. (Still waters run deep...)

Thanks for this, I totally know what you mean. I KNEW he wouldn't be able to answer straight off the bat, especially when handicapped by alcohol. I dunno what I was thinking!!!

 

[The Proof]

Thanks for this, I totally know what you mean. I KNEW he wouldn't be able to answer straight off the bat, especially when handicapped by alcohol. I dunno what I was thinking!!!

you're being way too hard on yourself, I think you're reaching for something that nobody could give a good answer to, because you expect so much

it seems to me whenever you get into that mindset of wanting so much you've already made a mistake, because nobody can satisfy, when you do that you push people away, it's like walking into a shoe store and nothing fits, but perhaps you come back the next week and you find a pair you like - I've actually done that and exasperated the clerk there lol

whether he's right for you or not, only you can judge, but being in that hard to satisfy mindset will just create problem where it's possible that none exist, or manageable ones

 

[PrettyVacant]

you're being way too hard on yourself, I think you're reaching for something that nobody could give a good answer to, because you expect so much

it seems to me whenever you get into that mindset of wanting so much you've already made a mistake, because nobody can satisfy, when you do that you push people away, it's like walking into a shoe store and nothing fits, but perhaps you come back the next week and you find a pair you like - I've actually done that and exasperated the clerk there lol

whether he's right for you or not, only you can judge, but being in that hard to satisfy mindset will just create problem where it's possible that none exist, or manageable ones

You're totally right. Scary. I AM in that mindset too. I know I am. Eeeeeeeek.

 

[jd_]

Yeah... asking questions like that at least to me might open an Ni related pandora's box... it literally sees (or at least tries to see) all options past present future as well as all possible subtleties... so if you don't like that kind of answer, beware. Unless you have reason to believe something is *not* true... I wouldn't bother. If I tell somebody once, to me, bringing that subject again itself raises doubt. Otherwise why do I need to address it again?

 

[avatarphen]

Well for me, I have hardly ever said it. I don't have many people to say it to. But I say it in three different ways.
I loves you.
I <3 you
I Love You.

First one is playful.
Second is great friendship.
Last is...a feeling of safety, someone whom I can trust, someone I need.

 

[ohTOMICho]

"I love you"="I have beat myself up numerous times for this and analyzed every aspect of this relationship to come to this conclusion: I feel strongly for you. And although I can probably live without you, I don't want to."

 

[HorribleAesthete]

It means precisely the same thing as it does for other types.

I must admit that I am confused as to why you had 'concerns' in the fist place, given that you say that you are not the jealous type and that his behavior up to that point had left you no reason for doubt. Personally, I would ignore such a question, and refuse to answer on principle. Probably merely a random vocalized observation, but one (as you acknowledge) better left unspoken.

 

[The Proof]

I think "i love you" to an INFJ means "I can't live without you and want to be with you forever"

it's best said extremely rarely, if you say it every day it kind of loses its value, the way coffee addicts need to drink more to get the same buzz

you also shouldn't say it when the other person is upset/stressed, they won't even notice you in those moments

 

[PrettyVacant]

I think "i love you" to an INFJ means "I can't live without you and want to be with you forever"

it's best said extremely rarely, if you say it every day it kind of loses its value, the way coffee addicts need to drink more to get the same buzz

you also shouldn't say it when the other person is upset/stressed, they won't even notice you in those moments

Hmm, I have to disagree with you on this point - I don't believe it should be used sparingly.. I believe it should be used whenever the moment calls for it. Why would I not want to tell my partner I love them as often as the need arose? If my guy does something and I think to myself, 'I love when he does that; I love him' then I'll say it!! Sometimes that may be multiple times per day, once a day, twice a week - whatever!