I keep hearing that ENFJs are good at manipulating people. So why is it that I don't seem to have that skill and instead I keep getting people trying to manipulate me?
I have 2 ESFPs in particular I refer to. They give me nothing but heartache. One is my mother. I can not handle the guilt trips and the pity parties and the manipulation. Today I had a gutsful. I am getting very intolerant of their drama queen ways. I come from the school of harden up, why don't they?
ENFJs are good at getting people on board with what they are enthusiastic about - without consciously trying. We're the infectious type of persuasive. We don't try to do it consciously. It just happens, kinda like how we 'flirt' with people. That enthusiasm of ours gets other people to
feel things. We inspire people without trying because we are so passionate about whatever it is that we're expressing.
However, the reason we're infectiously inspiring is because we're primarily extroverted feelers (Fe). This is our dominant function, so our thought processes start here. Combined with introverted intuition's (Ni) subconscious pattern recognition, and it allows us to express and emote on levels that no other type can - knowing exactly what to say and do to best express ourselves to others - because we care so much about others as extroverted feelers.
Problem is... our deep caring for others is a double edged sword, and while it fuels our ability to persuade others, it also makes us serious suckers when others have needs, desires, or wants. If it wasn't for our ability to see through people as well as we do, we'd be the most easily manipulated type in the system. Problem is our Fe (the wanting to help part) comes before our Ni (the seeing people's motivations part), so we really have to force ourselves to stop and take inventory when people want things from us - especially when our radar DOESN'T go off. We are usually really good at spotting people who have ill intentions, especially when we're not already emotionally invested in that person so it lures us into a false sense of vigilance. However, it is difficult for us to trust our intuition if our feelings are engaged because our minds are wired to trust feelings over intuition reflexively.
How do I stop these people from constantly stressing me out in this way?
Stop and temporarily disengage your feelings on them, which will allow your other functions to see more clearly what's going on and why. Once you see clearly, you can then change the way you feel about what they are doing.
Keep in mind though, that the amount of emotional investment you have in them will be in direct proportion to how difficult it will be to temporarily disengage your feelings. The more invested you are, the longer it's going to take to really force yourself to feel nothing (or neutral) about the person. It might only take a few seconds to do this with someone you've just met, but a few days with someone you're really invested in - like a parent or best friend.
This is a difficult thing for ENFJs to do, as it is
entirely going against our nature - so don't be surprised if this is really hard to do at first. But, at times it is necessary to step outside of our pattern so we can see the real problems from another perspective.
Have you been in this situation?
Clearly, hehe.
How did you get out of it?
The easiest way for me to get out of it was to internally villify whoever was causing me the problem into an 'us vs. them' bracket. Only then could I disconnect and allow my mind to solve the issue objectively. Once I'd had them on 'time out' emotionally for a while, my mind would eventually solve the issue, and then I could forgive them and start over.
Oh and P.S... What type does an ENFJ become when they stop getting sucked into caring about people so much?
According to Beebe's model for stress adaption, ENFJs stress modes are INFJ when 'pressed', then ESTP 'highly stressed', then ISTP 'overwhelmed'. The theory states that the mind adapts when its normal mode of thinking can't overcome a stressor and switches the order in which it uses the functions.
Though, in my own experience, I've found that I go INFJ when stressed by my feelings or things of a spiritual nature. I go ISTP when stressed by problems that require logic, and I go ESTP when threatened by something that causes me danger or forces me to be competitive... which seems to be more reactive use of each dominant function respectively. The upside to being in them is that they help us develop our other functions. INFJ mode develops Ni. ESTP mode develops Se. ISTP mode develops our weakest function Ti.
When we slip into our STP modes, it's really easy to stop caring about people so much. However, these are all temporary modes, and we always come back to 'normal' when the stress is removed... but with greater use of the functions we developed while stressed.
