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If Famous Writers Had Written Twilight


Herman Melville “Call me Bella.” A tome about the length of the original series investigates Bella’s monomanical search for the vampire who stole her virginity. There’s an entire chapter devoted to describing the devastating whiteness of Edward’s skin, and several on the physiognomy of vampires, starting with their skeletal structure outward.
Virginia Woolf
The novel takes place over the course of twenty four hours, during which Bella is painting a portrait of Edward and reflecting on how her femininity circumscribes her role within 20th century society.
Cormac McCarthy
In the opening scene, Edward dashes Bella’s head against a rock and rapes her corpse. Then he and Jacob take off on an unexplained rampage through the West.
Jane Austen
Basically the same as the original, except that Bella is socially apt and incredibly witty. Her distrust of Edward is initially bourne out of a tragic misunderstanding of his character, but after a fling with Jacob during which he sexually assaults her (amusing to no one in this version) she and Edward live happily ever after.
George Saunders
Same as the original, but set in a theme park. Somehow involves gangs of robots, which distract the reader from the essential sappiness of Edward and Bella’s story.
Raymond Carver
Bella stars as the alcoholic barmaid with daddy issues that Edward, a classic abuser, exploits. When Bella’s old friend Jacob comes to visit and is shocked by her bruises, she thinks about leaving him, but instead hits the gin bottle. Hard.
Annie Proulx
Edward and Jacob defy society’s expectations up in the mountains.
Lewis Carroll
Bella takes acid and charts syllogisms.
James Joyce
Edward’s rapacious love for Bella reflects the way globalism has pillaged Ireland. It’s entirely written in Esperanto, with sections in untranslated Greek, except for Chapter 40, which is inexplicably rendered as a script page from the musical The Book of Mormon.
Dorothy Parker
Bella writes a brilliant takedown of the latest school play, dates a string of men, and repeatedly attempts suicide.
Kate Chopin
Stifled by her marriage to Edward, Bella has an affair with Jacob and then drowns herself.
Ernest Hemingway
Edward and Bella exchange terse dialogue alluding to Edward’s anatomical problem. Eventually, Bella leaves him for Jacob, a local bullfighter with a giant…sense of entitlement.
Flannery O’Connor
When Native American werewolf Jacob threatens her with death, Bella reconsiders her hardcore racism, and just for one milisecond, the audience finds her sympathetic.
Ayn Rand
Edward tells Bella that he intends to stop saving her life, unless she starts paying him in gold bullion. Hatefucking ensues, then Jacob spouts objectivist philosophy for the next 100 pages.




Anyone bibliophiles want to add one?
 

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I would if I had ever read Twilight, otherwise I wouldn't know how to parody it.
 
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Discussion Starter #3


If you had read any of that list, you would see that the descriptions was more about parodying "famous writers" using a love triangle that happens to be Twilight.
 

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Truman Capote-Edward and Jacob are gay lovers, but they pretend to both be interested in Bella just so they can brutally murder her. They then lead police on a nation wide chase where important lessons about sociology are learned.

Emily Bronte-She actually did write Twilight, only it was called Wuthering Heights and was a much better book.

Ezra Pound-Each book is a two line poem that describes the principle characters sitting in their living rooms and moping.

T.S Elliot- The whole thing is just Bella's stream of consciousness rant about how her indeceisiveness with E and J is typical of a stoic middle class existence. She makes constant references to Dante and Sanskrit literature.

Joseph Heller- Bella wants to avoid having a lame boyfriend, but realizes that Edward is just so pushy that the only way she can avoid him is to begin a relationship with an equally lame werewolf named Jacob. She pretends to be lesbian to try and fend them off, but they don't buy it. Eventually she just runs away. Edward's blood sucking symbolises capitalism and there's a really long anecdote about Bella's experience with a bald, underage prostitute.

Ernest Hemingway- Edward is thinking about killing himself, and sucks people's blood to take his mind off his existential problems, symbolising Hemingway's alcoholism. Edward also decides to have awkwardly written sex scenes with a girl named Bella to further take his mind off his problems. However, he ends up getting her pregnant. She dies a grotesque death in childbirth due to the fearsome vampire child's delivery, and, to make matters worse, Edward forgot his umbrella and had to walk home in the rain afterward. Also, Jacob's character is completely re written as an anti-semetic gypsie
 

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Sarah Dessen -
Bella is a girl with a depressing life who moves to Forks, where she meets a boy she wouldn't normally date. He has a weird addiction to blood, but she can look beyond that. After 200 pages, they get together and get married.
 

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Leo Tolstoy-
The book is now 900 pages long in tiny font, tight spacing, huge pages, and narrow margins. There are now at least 24 characters, half of whom only show up briefly and all have extremely similar names. At least half the book is moral lecturing. The story is now intentionally misogynist, Edward lives on a ranch, and Jacob is an officer in the Army. And now everyone considers it the greatest book ever.
 

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George Orwell-
The Vampires have thrown out the old Werewolf rulers. The stupid humans follow every rule the vampires make, and werewolves try to take back Vampire Farm, and ultimately, the Vampire rule is exactly like the werewolf, breaking the rules they made until the humans cannot tell the vampires apart from the werewolves. This reflects his own personal political views.

I don't know...
 

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George Orwell-
The Vampires have thrown out the old Werewolf rulers. The stupid humans follow every rule the vampires make, and werewolves try to take back Vampire Farm, and ultimately, the Vampire rule is exactly like the werewolf, breaking the rules they made until the humans cannot tell the vampires apart from the werewolves. This reflects his own personal political views.

I don't know...
If Orwell had written Twilight, the whole thing would've been a meta-story about how everyone will love the book just because they've been brainwashed by the Ministry of Love/in store promotional appearances. Last line "She loved Edward Cullen"
 

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Some of the comments are noteworthy:

Haruki Murakami:

Bella has sex with Edward, who is half a ghost. Jacob is a talking cat. Most of the prose is given over to descriptions of Bella making pasta.
Joss Whedon:

Bella carries a wooden stake tipped in silver. She kicks butts of misbehaving vampires and werewolves alike. Neither Edward, nor Jake can reconcile themselves to dating a woman as powerful as themselves. Bella wanders the world as a protector of humanity.
My Favorite:
Twilight ala Isaac Asimov:

Much of the book is devoted to Bella and Edward discussing how to circumvent the Three Laws of Vampirics…
Dostoyevsky:
In the first chapter, we learn that Bella is an impoverished ex-student in St. Petersburg who conspires to kill Edward for the money he has taken from his victims during his life as a vampire. The rest of the novel investigates Bella’s tortured internal argument as she seeks to justify staking Edward because of all the good she plans to do with his money, versus her guilt at killing him, which simultaneously represents her desire to kill her father and the prevailing spirit of atheism that is threatening to kill society.
OR

Twilight, by Dr. Seuss

Jake likes a girl. Her name is Bella.
Bella likes a different fella.

See this vamp? This is Ed.
Ed is pale. Ed is dead.

Ed saved Bella from a van.
Ed must be a special man.

Ed won't kill boys. He won't kill girls.
Ed gets fed on deer and squirrels.

This is James. He's a tracker.
He's a sort of vamp attacker.

James hunts Bella for a thrill.
Will Ed kill him? Yes, he will.

But James gave her a little bite.
Will she be a vamp? She might!

Edward fixes Bella's cut.
She won't be a vampire.
But...

She becomes one. Read some more.
She's a vampire in book 4.
 

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Lisi Harrison - same plot, only with several brand names
 

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stephen king- 'nuff said

aleister crowley- edward would proceed to call himself the great beast and would tell bella that he is entitled to her blood. Thats one chapter. The rest of the book would be a narcisistic book on a bent perception of the world spat out through shock factor

j.d. salinger- pretty much the same thing. from edwards point of view. He walks around the small town wearing a redhat drinking "bloody mary's" at an alcoholic level brooding about the trauma of losing his innocence and humanity due to the transformation. Oh and bella would be a 9 year old little girl he hangs out with like a pedophile talking to her about bannanafish.

aldous huxley- vampires are the majority with blood being a drug used by those in charge to control the vampires. From there childless sex is promoted vigorously

nietzche- bella disproving vampires existence

brett easton ellis- edward is a pro killer for blood. he fits in daily life by being a douchebag rich kid. oh wait...

hunter s thompson- its all a bad acid trip
 

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Franz Kafka: Edward spontaneously gets arrested but not told why, leaving him eternally in a system involving bureaucracy and red tape. Bella tries to help him fight the battle but gets frustrated and gives up quickly, and soon forgets Edward ever existed, then ends up with Jacob who spontaneously turns into a giant insect one morning.
 

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Twilight is about a bunch of bloodsucking psychopathic freaks. Stephen King, decided to take a pass on it. It was to convoluted for him. I can't blame him, we have murder, "love", and destiny and a bunch of other weird incompatible combinations going on in the plot line, and frankly that grouping of shit scares the crap out of me. I have never read the books obviously or watched the shows, just clips were enough to see where things were headed. YIKES!!!!:shocked:
 

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charlotte bronte anyone? im not good at this stuff so..
 
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Discussion Starter #16
charlotte bronte anyone? im not good at this stuff so..
I don't think I ever read Jane Eyre, but Emily Bronte was writing the same brooding male story line much like Twilight. Some things never change.
 

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Samuel Beckett - The entire story is a rambling monologue given by Bella as she covers topics ranging from her chaotic consciousness and unconscious impulses to her constipation and immobility. She also occasionally mentions incidentally that she is waiting for a vampire named Edward, who never appears and whose existence is debatable.
 

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John Milton's "Twilight" - Considered the equivalent of reading the entire encyclopedia Britannica verbatim. It is recognized as being virtually unreadable, with no one living having ever endured to read the entire work. The only thing anyone remembers after reading is the bad guys get the best lines.

It is now considered to be among history's most influential and important works, due to it single-handedly killing the entire genre of vampire and werewolf literature aimed at 13 year old girls.
 
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