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Sigh* I had to post this somewhere so that people who can actually relate and care can see it. I'm currently single and I don't want to be. I've been trying to look for "the one" and so far things have not been bad, meaning I've met some great people and made some friends, but I still don't have my "one". My problem is that, although I like to be around people and meet people and spend time with them I'm also repelled by the very thing I most need and desire. For instance, I just ended a friendship with a woman who was a great person and I liked spending time with her. She was the kind of person who was very casual about her friendships and physical intimacy and had a great way of making me feel very comfortable. We made out a couple times and I spent a good deal of time with her at her house, just us two. Where the problem comes in is that she is currently trying to be celibate and not into dating anyone right now, which I was aware of and respected and it was fine. But it got to the point where I felt confused and frustrated around her. I didn't want to overstep her boundaries and make her into something she didn't want to be (i.e. my girlfriend) but at the same time I felt a great desire for us to be closer, both emotionally and physically. When I realized that this was likely not going to happen I ended the friendship between us to keep me from feeling sad and uncomfortable. This is not the first time I have done this. The pattern is always the same. I spend time with someone that I like (always one-on-one), get close to them emotionally, and then get frustrated with them when they won't be my "one", and then I end it and never talk to them again.
The problem I have with this is that, I'm getting rid of people who I like and who are great people and good people to have around. But I just can't stand it. It's like you either have to be an acquaintance held at arm's length, or you have to be my committed life partner. There's no in-between. It's almost like the desire for an intimate relationship is so strong that whoever I meet and feel emotionally akin to I try to put them in that slot. This is a problem when you are trying to meet people and date. It's hard for me to get my needs (physical and emotional) met because I require someone to show some investment and commitment and it takes me such a long time to warm up, and I'm not going to warm up to everybody. I want to be "the one" and the only one for that person; there's something intolerable about it when that doesn't happen. I rather be alone. But the thing is, I DON'T want to be alone. I'm going out of my comfort zone to meet people (going out when I rather be in) so that I can be "in it to win it", telling myself it'll pay off eventually. The idea of not having a partner is so unacceptable to me that I literally think about it every day, ways that I can strategize to meet women that are more likely to be compatible to me. I've had older people tell me things like "The way to look for love is to not look for it. It'll happen when you least expect it" and "Don't worry. It'll happen. Just relax". But I CAN"T relax! Believe me, I've tried. But the feeling of having such a vital part of my life missing...I just can't ignore it. I will keep looking until that vital part is found and comfortably incorporated. It's like walking around with no heart or skin...and people are telling you to relax about it! An intimate relationship is so important to me that I'm willing to be less of an INFP if it means increasing my chances (i.e. out there in extrovert-land being showy and promiscuous and casual). I just feel like I HAVE to do something, because the thought of leaving it up to chance is just intolerable. It's not that I don't know how to be alone. I'm very introverted, aloneness is my lifeblood. It's that I can't wait to share myself with someone and have them do the same with me. The fact that I don't know when it will happen makes me so anxious.WHAT IF IT DOESN'T?! I feel like I need it to happen now.
Also, because I'm missing something so important, I find myself compensating for my lack of a partner. I'll say to myself, "Well, I don't have a girlfriend so I'll go spend $100 in Sephora" or "No one is here to cuddle with me. That makes me mad. Let me go take a karate class to get rid of that stored up energy. At least I'll be able to say I have a black belt". Anything to try to take the place of physical and emotional satisfaction, or just serve as a distraction. It just seems like I'm a failure or that life is incomplete without a partner. Thanks for reading. What has worked for you? How have you gotten to the point where you can relax? Have you been able to just have a casual relationship without getting too attached and how did you do it? What compromises have you made? What have you learned about yourself? How did you eventually meet your partner? Any advice as to how I should proceed would be really helpful. Or just show that you can relate.
 

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were always looking for love darling, thats why everything in our lives is made up of some part of our search for "love". hate to sound callous but thats the way of it. but it doesnt mean somethings missing :)
 
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@infintefish Even when we've found it? do you have any advice?

Addendum:
I feel unsupported. There's nobody sharing my plight and standing with me, committed to solving my problem with me.
There are very few avenues where introverts can socialize comfortably and successfully.
Sometimes I feel like the old saying "the more you chase after something the more it will elude you"
I'm frustrated and I feel out of options. Always having to invent or adapt in order to make things work for me.
It's taken me time to get my eagerness under control. Because it's not attractive to appear eager I keep myself at home when I'm feeling really vulnerable.
I'm worried about it not happening because I'm an INFP. I feel like I can be overlooked or not valued because of my values or the way I communicate. It's not that i have a problem connecting; i just am very selective about who i connect with. But that doesn't mean I'm not worthy of a relationship. I have plenty of good things to contribute.
It hurts when all around you see togetherness and people who seem so connected.
In my research about loneliness I have read that a feeling of loneliness will persist even if one has a friend group to belong to if the person does not have at least one satisfying intimate partner relationship.
I've read that an INFP will always either be actively searching for a relationship or will be living one out in their heads. I'm doing both.
It's like I can't have any other kind of relationship until that need for a closest, vital relationship is fulfilled.
I just really need a place to put my feelings about this. There's no one in my life to listen to me talk about it endlessly or who has the slightest clue as to what to tell me but it can't all stay inside either.
 

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aprreciate what you have and enjoy the ride while it lasts!
Listen, i couldve written the same thing, its so similar to my experiences. I cant say for sure, but if your like me then eventually you will get so tired of stressing the crap outa yourself day in and day out you'll "give up" (not give in) andthen everything that you were waiting for will fall into place gradually. its like trying to jam in that square peg over and over and over agian, until finally, you throw the peg against the wall sigh look around and realize that theres a bunch of perfectly good round pegs rght next to you :)
 
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