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I have never liked it. I found it at the age of 7, my dad left his stupid magazines around, and left a Vhs tape accidentally, many times...in the vcr in my room. My husband has broken the rule we had, at least 5 times so far and just recently masturbated to pornography and I feel cheated on..

I feel porn is cheating a person out of a -real- loving relationship/marriage and I feel I have no soul mate any more and I feel like I am single, and should be looking for a new lover. He says he wants to leave me, though and asks "How many more times does this have to happen until you just leave my life? I have tried to leave you but you wont go" What kind of disrespectful piss ant does this to such a beautiful woman like myself? Am I that shitty? No fuckin' way. I think porn is wrong because of how it makes people feel. Not all, but a lot.
 

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Depends where you define boundaries in a relationship, and what you personally feel is cheating.

To be brutally honest, I personally can't see physical acts alone as hurtful; it's the sneaking behind my back which would piss me off. You want to watch porn? Tell me. You want a one-night stand? Tell me. It's far more important me and my partner trust each other enough to communicate our desires - and respect those desires, rather than flatly deny them - than to be faithful.

What really upsets you the most? Feeling cheated on, him going behind your back or the use of porn in itself?

See, I had a pretty different experience with porn growing up. Me, my brother and my Dad were cleaning out the attic and we found a VHS tape labelled 'Buttman Finds the Crack' :)rolleyes:). To this day, it's always been something we've laughed about.

You aren't ever going to stop your husband watching porn, sorry. If he had no intention of keeping to the promise, he probably shouldn't have made it in the first place. This is how dishonesty can rear it's ugly head; although I personally don't see anything wrong with viewing porn, for this simple reason, he is in the wrong.

In some regards, it might be healthier for you to compromise and allow him porn (with set conditions, for example, not when you're in the house). At the end of the day though, if it truly makes you unhappy in your relationship, perhaps it's time to reevaluate whether he's worth feeling insecure for.
 

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He could have some personal issues, so why is he watching it ? Have you ever asked him, without prejudice?
 

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He could have some personal issues, so why is he watching it ? Have you ever asked him, without prejudice?
Very true, when at times I wonder if males below 35 have inherited societal insecurities of 'what it means to be a man' (dubbed the crisis of modern masculinity) when the Internet's version of sexuality is often perceived as the most approachable interpretation of 'agony aunt-uncle parenting' available to some, in place of incomplete male role models able to present an up-to-date masculine model of gender compensation for the loss of rites of passage and phased sexual needs awakening (busy lives, more stress, a need to mature faster, more room for experimentation with fewer positive life guides and less open discussion etc).

Oops seems I got a bit carried away there ;)
 

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If it really bothers you, definitely tell him. You can't "make" him stop, but you can tell him how it hurts you and it's up to him to decided whether or not he wants to respect your boundaries and stop. If he doesn't, you have to decide how much this is going to bother you and whether or not you want to continue a relationship knowing that he does this and also knowing that he still decided to do it against your beliefs.
 

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this is really creepy.

He says he wants to leave me, though and asks "How many more times does this have to happen until you just leave my life? I have tried to leave you but you wont go"

Doesnt that ring a bell or something?

Seems like a toxic relationship. By the way i love your avatar!
 

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I'm more inclined to watch porn than my partner is which is a first for me. The only times I really even browse for it is when I really need a laugh. Is that sick and fucked up? Yeah, probably--but you've got to admit that watching women fake it while the man is "poundin' dat ass" like a jackhammer is actually pretty comical.

As far as you go, OP... do you stand up for yourself... ever? I don't know you very well at all, but if you let a man (or any person for that matter) walk all over you, you're asking for trouble. You have to set healthy boundaries, and when boundaries are crossed, you have confront the issue head on. At this point, it seems as if he's lost all respect for you. Maybe you should leave.
 

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It's not something that's ever been a problem for me. I used to download porn for my SO, so he didn't get ripped off.
 

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Porn isn't cheating. Lying about it and sneaking around behind your partners back is betraying them. He can't be trusted with something as minor as porn. I wouldn't trust him with anything else. I lie to a lot of people IRL, but not to my husband. He has my full respect. This guy doesn't respect you @chip and he can't be trusted. Time to move on. He says he can't leave, help him out with that.
 

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I'm not a huge fan of pornography, but I appreciate that some people enjoy looking at it, (I sometimes look at naked pictures of naked ladies when I'm bored and a bit horny! XD).
If I ever discovered a future SO had a giant stash of porn then I think if anything I'd be curious.
Curious as to why she would hide it from me, (I wouldnt be embarassed by it, I'm just not a huge fan of it), and also kind of curious to the porn itself.
(I'd probably sample some of it to see what she likes. Heh maybe even surprise her with something inspired by it)
If that discovery makes her uncomfortable then I'd try reasoning it out with her and try to make her feel not so embarrassed about it, (maybe even watch some together! XD) but I mean if its really awkward for her then I'd just leave her too it.

Then again, I don't loathe it or anything, so it doesn't feel like a violation of trust to me. (Heh. Maybe I'm naive or I don't think I'd ever be super stimulating as a sex object (I think real attraction and physical attraction are two different things. Like I might find these models I look at really sexy, but they are like soulless puppets to me, because I'm more attracted to the real thing, and I'd love what's real in the end of the day))

I think the only thing I'd worry about is if I'm enough for her in the day to day. And if I'm really not doing anything after trying to spice it all up then I'd go into talks about splitting up.
(Heh. Then again this is hypothetical, I bet it would be a heck of alot harder in reality with my mushywushy emotions driving me bananas but i think thats the general plan I'd haphazardly attempt to follow! Xp)
 

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I'm not a huge fan of pornography, but I appreciate that some people enjoy looking at it, (I sometimes look at naked pictures of naked ladies when I'm bored and a bit horny! XD).
If I ever discovered a future SO had a giant stash of porn then I think if anything I'd be curious.
Curious as to why she would hide it from me, (I wouldnt be embarassed by it, I'm just not a huge fan of it), and also kind of curious to the porn itself.
(I'd probably sample some of it to see what she likes. Heh maybe even surprise her with something inspired by it)
If that discovery makes her uncomfortable then I'd try reasoning it out with her and try to make her feel not so embarrassed about it, (maybe even watch some together! XD) but I mean if its really awkward for her then I'd just leave her too it.

Then again, I don't loathe it or anything, so it doesn't feel like a violation of trust to me. (Heh. Maybe I'm naive or I don't think I'd ever be super stimulating as a sex object (I think real attraction and physical attraction are two different things. Like I might find these models I look at really sexy, but they are like soulless puppets to me, because I'm more attracted to the real thing, and I'd love what's real in the end of the day))

I think the only thing I'd worry about is if I'm enough for her in the day to day. And if I'm really not doing anything after trying to spice it all up then I'd go into talks about splitting up.
(Heh. Then again this is hypothetical, I bet it would be a heck of alot harder in reality with my mushywushy emotions driving me bananas but i think thats the general plan I'd haphazardly attempt to follow! Xp)
I don't have a problem with pornography either, I just don't accept lies from the person I put my trust in. That is a very big deal to me. I don't lie to my husband. Ever. If I'm giving him the whole truth, I want it back.
 

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I don't think it's a big deal. I dont like porn (yet) but it'd be fine if my SO watches it, he wouldn't need to hide it and sneak a wank or whatever. I'd ask my boyfriend what sort of porn he's into because I'd be interested in what his fantasies are I guess.

I have a friend who used to watch college porn with her boyfriend when they were bored as a bonding activity lol.
 

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Choosing your boundaries in a relationship are important,
I wouldn't in any way try to bend my boundaries for ANYONE,
As they define who I am through showing what I stand for,
And what my morals are.

Porn and it's availability within a relationship is up to the couple that the question is being posed to,
So if you feel this is not acceptable,
And this had been brought to your husbands attention,
Then he must listen or face consequences for doing such action.

And frankly if he says such things,
Then kick him out and get on with life,
You deserve so much more respect than such a man,
You are to be treated like a human being,
Not some rag doll as this man is doing!

Good luck!
 

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If you had a friend who fantasized about killing you regularly, though they weren't actually killing you - would you still be comfortable being their friend, would you want to? No, because even though its a fantasy, its still something that affects the trust you have for the TYPE of relationship it is.

If you had a romantic partner who fantasized about cheating regularly (simulating sex with other women by using his hand and porn), though they weren't actually sticking their dick in meat, would you want to keep dealing with it - No. Same reason you wouldn't want to keep dealing with the friend who fantasizes about killing you: the very thoughts hurt.

People will try to tell you that thinking about it and doing it are two different things, but its not where emotional attachment is involved.

Its true that you cannot convict someone of a crime for fantasizing and not doing, but that rule doesn't apply in matters of the heart. Just as you would CHOOSE not to be friends with a person who was fantasizing about killing you all the time (though they wouldn't go to jail for it), one might not choose to be with a romantic partner who simulates sex with other women, watching porn.

A friendship and a relationship are different from federal laws; they are contracts that deal with emotional attachment, they are not laws to find little loopholes around and its still ok. Sex with another person is sex with another person - whether you're using your mind and hand, or sticking your dick in meat; the betrayal is in the mind, its emotional, so if it takes place in the mind where the emotions live, how does it not count.

Men will tell you that emotional cheating counts -- that if you have feelings for another man, it hurts them, where do those thoughts and feelings live? In the mind, same place as the sexual fantasizing, so yes, the sexual fantasizing also counts. It is merely in the mind as the emotional cheating is, they both count.

If someone really wanted you dead, they wouldn't go to jail unless there was proof they were planning the murder, but would you continue to respect and like the person if you found out? No - like I said, some dumb fucking law does not apply in emotional matters. The fantasy is enough to change your feelings.

The only difference.. the ONLY difference between actual sex and simulating it by using porn, is that one of them involves the possibility of an std or pregnancy.

There are things in personal relationships that can affect you on a visceral and emotional level because of the type of relationship they are. It is not merely about following and breaking certain rules. So yes their thoughts and feelings do matter / affect you.

There is a pressure these days to accept it. People will tell you that its impossible for a man to not do it, that you won't even meet a man who doesn't - but those are lies. I know men who don't. There was a time men could only see porn in magazines and not nearly all men would get those. Its not natural, its not a need - its merely something that has become easy for people to get their hands on with the internet.

It was once considered taboo. Now its considered taboo to speak against it. Listen to your gut and ignore the chatter of those who mindlessly accept it. Most people will accept anything thats popular or common, with very little critical thought.

You will also see a trap of "its cheating if they lie about it and sneak around doing it" -- a trap because this assumes that the solution is to have YOU accept the PROBLEM, then its no longer a problem. Its crazy shit but there are more and more studies proving its detrimental to relationships and one day that will be common knowledge instead of the naive acceptance of it.
 

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The phrasing of this question is just ridiculous.

"People aren't comfortable with X, so X must be bad, just 'cus people don't like it."

Equating thoughts to reality is just silly and absurd.

ALSO: get the fuck out of this thread while you can.
 

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Looking at porn while in a relationship is not cheating. Do people honestly think their boyfriends or girlfriends aren't rubbing it out to thoughts of other people sometimes without visual aid? Porn's a somewhat complicated subject, but the fact is that it's instantly on demand and a pretty effective way at arousing men (who ultimately are aroused by novelty, NOT one person all of the time).

Er, that aside your relationship is obviously not going too well. I definitely identify with hanging around in a toxic relationship out of convenience, though.

What kind of disrespectful piss ant does this to such a beautiful woman like myself?
Not sure. Probably one who doesn't really care much if you're around or not, porn or not. You going to stick around?

If you had a friend who fantasized about killing you regularly, though they weren't actually killing you - would you still be comfortable being their friend, would you want to? No, because even though its a fantasy, its still something that affects the
trust you have for the TYPE of relationship it is.

If you had a romantic partner who fantasized about cheating regularly (simulating sex with porn), though they weren't actually sticking their dick in meat, would you want to keep dealing with it - No. Same reason you wouldn't want to keep dealing with the friend who fantasizes about killing you: the very thoughts hurt.

Its true that you cannot convict someone of a crime for fantasizing and not doing, but that rule doesn't apply in matters of the heart. Just as you would CHOOSE not to be friends with a person who was fantasizing about killing you all the time (though they wouldn't go to jail for it), one might not choose to be with a romantic partner who simulates sex with other women, watching porn.


I understand you have felt hurt in the past by someone who used porn but your analogy here is too extreme. Thoughts of killing friends and sexual thoughts for others outside of monogamy? Sexual thoughts toward more than one exclusive person is normal. Sex is a biological drive. You are comparing a biologically productive drive to something that is not only destructive, but something that is disorderly and not at all common.

Sex with another person is sex with another person - whether you're using your mind and hand, or sticking your dick in meat. The only difference.. the ONLY difference, is that one of them involves the possibility of an std or pregnancy.


The other difference is thinking and actually doing. How could you enforce thought control?
 

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I think OP should start to address the real issue here: not that her husband is watching porn, but that he's saying and doing hateful things and wanting her to leave him.
 

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It was once considered taboo. Now its considered taboo to speak against it. Listen to your gut and ignore the chatter of those who mindlessly accept it. Most people will accept anything thats popular or common, with very little critical thought.
Disagreeing with you does not equate mindless acceptance. I've already explained my perspective on porn in another thread. If you're in a relationship where one party is not comfortable with it, you respect their boundaries. You are being extremely rude to people with different boundaries than you in this post.
 
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