Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 22 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
730 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hi INFPs

So a little question I have for you, which I find I constantly compare and question my type because of, is- if someone says sorry do you find it easy to forgive within that moment or do you find even with sorry, your emotions are hard to drop?

I know you guys probably have questions- “well, that really depends on what they’re apologising for”

But I’m really just talking in a generalised sense of ‘hurt your feelings kind of deal’.

Because you would think that with sorry which we all know and recognize to be a really hard thing to do (sorry is the hardest word, right ;)) it would be easy to drop how you feel in that moment and it probably is the mature thing to do, but I personally find it hard and I was wondering if infps (with dom Fi) might have the same dilemma.

Maybe?
Maybe not?
Don’t know
But would like to find out
 
  • Like
Reactions: Cherry and Adonnus

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,142 Posts
I find it easier to forgive but the annoyance doesn't always go away immediately. Sometimes I think "Ok, it's nice that you're saying that but I'd rather that you just hadn't have done that in the first place." I wouldn't say like "I forgive you" out loud, I would just try to forget about it over relatively minor things. I wouldn't forget it ultimately but I would try to move past it.

So I find that my angry/negative emotions might not go away instantly but will fade away slowly over time until it, usually, doesn't matter any more. But it does depend on what it is.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
7,754 Posts
it depends who it is, and sometimes i can forgive it instantly, if it's a small thing -

but if i am deeply hurt, i can't just drop it instantly - i'm a sensitive being and an authentic being, and being authentic means, well, I can't just pretend I'm fine. I'll need time to process my feelings and think about their intentions and how I feel and weigh things up and figure out the whole scenario...so with that in mind, no I won't always forgive straight away. Sometimes it may take years, if it's a real serious thing. And sometimes, I may never truly 'forgive' the person (especially if they never apologised).

Also, if it's something a little more serious, I can maybe forgive but not necessarily trust that person the same way again.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,734 Posts
Keeping in mind that forgiving does not equal forgetting, and does not equal staying in contact with the person, yes I do find it easy to forgive quickly.
For me it's more an spiritual, impersonal feeling rather than having to do with the person in front of me. My mind goes through life believing that everyone is doing the best they can, and if the person fucked up -big or small fuckup, doens't matter- I will think that it's their issue in life to figure themselves out, not my problem.
If it's a big fuckup, I will go away. Forgive + Leave. Sorrys don't affect me in this case.
If it's something small, I forgive almost instantly if they apologize, but I might be annoyed for a little while, but not long (feelings still need processing time to integrate + leave the body/mind). I don't go days holding a grudge (if they apologized, that is the premise).

If someone apologizes for the 1st time, it makes my knees weak, tbh.
If they've fucked up a few times already and all they do is apologize, this person has no effect on me.

I easily walk away from people who hurt my feelings. And as I walk away I feel my heart forgiving them, I find it super difficult to hold grudges, due to the spiritual aspect on my belief system.

In any case, forgive but never forget.

Because you would think that with sorry which we all know and recognize to be a really hard thing to do (sorry is the hardest word, right ;))
Really? I don't have this belief because I've encountered plenty of people in my life who were quick to apologize.

The thing is, I need to see a change after the apology. If the person continues to do the same thing over and over, and they say sorry over and over, I am not affected by their sorrys.

But I’m really just talking in a generalised sense of ‘hurt your feelings kind of deal’
We've established that it really really depends on the exact details of what happened.
I would only accept the sorry if this person is hurting me for the first time. Or if they hurt me a loooong time ago, so it's sporadic.
But if this hurt happens often, I surrender to the circumstances, accept that I don't want them in my life becuse who likes to feel hurt often? and I leave with love (and surrender) in my mind/heart. No resentment or anything. I go philosophical in my mind "We don't get along and that's okay, I wish you happiness, byyye ".
 
  • Like
Reactions: OrangeAppled

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
15,281 Posts
This is so complicated for me ... ! It depends on sooooooooo much.....

... the person -- the offense -- my mood -- time -- amount of pity I feel for them -- my mental state at the time ----->> some grudges go on for several lifetimes (it seems) and other times, I've forgiven awful things done to me, after lots of time has flowed, under the bridge. I apologize I can't really give a concrete answer this am, I need more coffee.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,411 Posts
If it is just a generic I'm sorry to keep the peace, I usually won't accept it. I need the apology to be more precise. I need an acknowledgment of the wrongdoing and how it hurt me. If these things are known and expressed by the apologizer, I will take it. If not, I usually push for them to be acknowledged and stay mad until they do. I don't expect them to be a mind reader, if they hurt me it was usually unintentional and they might not be able to know why without further explanation on my part.

I think that it goes on and happens multiple times, I am more leery of the person and will question if I want to stay friends with the person or not.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,248 Posts
I'm usually pretty quick to let go of anger emotionally in the moment. I deeply dislike interpersonal conflict and I'd rather resolve it, so that internal motivation spurs me on. I also internally move more quickly out of anger than out of anxiety. It's usually a quick change if it's just anger alone and doesn't involve more depth/health-of-relationship issues. If the latter - the transition takes much longer, because it's tied up in much more complicated matters. That only tends to happen for me with very important relationships, like family, spouse, and very close/longterm friends. Me "getting over" it usually requires a long talk with them, including resolution of the issue at hand and a plan for how we're going to improve things for the future.

That said, for the most part, I accept that being a human comes with both making mistakes and being hurt and forgiving, and that's ok. But with a couple of people I've reached a point where I don't find their apologies, even if genuine, to be worth the continued hurt, and I've distanced myself from them. In that case I really do want a happy and healthy life for them and don't feel continued anger towards them, but I do continue to feel hurt on a certain level and may seek to minimize their involvement in my life.
 

·
Sunset Stripper
Joined
·
9,636 Posts
I don't know. Towards them I may be receptive / not be a moody bitch about it, because would I appreciate them coming forward and apologizing (only if it's sincere) but it takes a long time for me to process and purge what happened. So I don't take it out on them, and am not openly angry about it but I still deal with it within myself for a while.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
189 Posts
To me it's quite easy, if I see that it's a genuine apology. But if the person continues to fuck up he/she is out of apology cards and I wont spend my energy on this person anymore.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,177 Posts
Hi INFPs

So a little question I have for you, which I find I constantly compare and question my type because of, is- if someone says sorry do you find it easy to forgive within that moment or do you find even with sorry, your emotions are hard to drop?

I know you guys probably have questions- “well, that really depends on what they’re apologising for”

But I’m really just talking in a generalised sense of ‘hurt your feelings kind of deal’.

Because you would think that with sorry which we all know and recognize to be a really hard thing to do (sorry is the hardest word, right ;)) it would be easy to drop how you feel in that moment and it probably is the mature thing to do, but I personally find it hard and I was wondering if infps (with dom Fi) might have the same dilemma.

Maybe?
Maybe not?
Don’t know
But would like to find out
When someone sincerely apologized i do forgive at that instant. After all, I'm not a fan of conflict. I don't want enemies much less annoyances. Of course the memories stay (i guess forgive forget?).

But then again i probably have not experienced some kind of "big deal", uber heartbreaking situation (e.g. Killed my family deliberately / consciously). So I'm not yet tested to endure uber difficult situations.

I have a weakness that i think can be exploited / manipulated by others : i melt in the face of kindness. When someone is very kind to me and/or to others, i melt and become very very understanding and submissive to some extent. However once trust is broken, i forgive yes, i may not be as understanding or submissive as before. I am fairly intuitive though with people so most of the time i can feel whether the kindness is real or fake.

As you said and im sorry to say this as well, it really depends on the situation.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

·
Edgelord
INFP 5w4 - ILI - Chaotic Good
Joined
·
6,942 Posts
Too easily, I'd say
 

·
Registered
INFP 4w5 6w7 9w1 so/sp
Joined
·
3,417 Posts
I used to do, but not anymore.

I know now very well when I am really done with someone, and good riddance to that person then.

If it's someone I care deeply about, is important to me, then it's a different story. But it are typical the ones who aren't that for me, who either don't say sorry at all, or don't mean it.
 

·
Registered
My vehicle is INFP, 9w8. Vroom vroom!!
Joined
·
1,634 Posts
The way I've been taught, forgiveness is not about emotion or friendship or an apology. I forgive others as soon as I can for their offense because forgiving someone loosens their offense's hold on my life, and I can heal and move on. No grudge, no years wasted in toxic residual emotions. If you forgive someone's debt, they don't owe you anything. You are both free from obligation.

It's not easy to forgive all the time, and with major offenses, I have to forgive them all over again when I'm thinking about them. I have to remind myself that I've forgiven that person, and that I'm not going to let them control me from afar. Plus, I'm not any better than that person; we are at the same level. It takes a while to get rid of baggage, but as I do, it opens me up to loving others again.

Forgiveness isn't forgetting. You can forgive someone and not trust them and reject their friendship. Trust has to be earned. The person I forgive doesn't owe me their effort though. They don't even owe me an apology. I'm supposed to forgive them anyway. The offense hurts, but holding a bitter grudge would only hurt myself—for years and years.

Forgiveness isn't rationalizing away an offense either. A drunk driver rear-ended my friend at night, pushing her into opposing traffic, and she died instantly, just before she turned 23. How would you even rationalize something like that?? It's totally the drunk driver's fault, and I have a right to be angry. But I forgive that woman for killing my friend. I'm choosing differently. I can stay angry forever and hold a grudge, but my friend can't come back. I'm sad that my friend is dead, but it's not my job to hold the offense over the drunk driver. I'm not in control of other people or random events and circumstances. After working though forgiving that person, I don't often think of the offense anymore, even though I'm sad. I think about how to do good for the world, instead, like my friend would have done. I even feel sad for the person who killed her, and I hope she can use my friend's death as a reason to take control of her alcoholism and mend her life and family.

I guess for the original question: Yes my emotions are hard to drop. If they were easy to drop, they wouldn't feel genuine to me. I don't want to drop them fast anyway—Sometimes I'd like to stay angry or sad so I can have a streak of activism. But I need to get rid of toxic feelings that are harmful to me, and forgiveness lets me do that. I don't imagine that cognitive functions have anything to do with it because I feel it would be disrespectful of others to think that they don't also have deep, complex emotions. (People with psychopathy don't, but that's a medical condition)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,345 Posts
I forgive easily, but I don't forget easily. I don't hold grudges, but I do make a mental note of the situation if it ends up being something that is a common occurrence. Still pondering the situation is a definite possibility, not for any particular reason but because my mind wanders most of the time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,809 Posts
Yeah I forgive pretty easily, unless it has damaged one of my values/ hurt me deeply. I normally don’t say ‘you’re forgiven’ or ‘thanks for saying sorry’, I just move on. Sometimes I even forget that it happened.

Recently, my ex boyfriend contacted me to apologize for how poorly he had treated me (and he really did- I shouldn’t have been with him). Anyways, I haven’t replied yet. Not sure that I will. It’s not that I hold a grudge, I just don’t want to think about it. I want to move on with my life. I’m done with that part of my life.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,202 Posts
Yes, I definitely forgive as much as possible, all of the time, even without apologies.

Like @ButIHaveCheer said, I don't want them to hold the power over me from afar because I didn't let it go.

That being said, it's still really hard for me to do that sometimes when I FEEL like I have every right to still be angry, hurt or offended by something.

With some people, I have to choose it every day, basically.
 
  • Like
Reactions: ButIHaveNoFear

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,843 Posts
I forgive easily, but I also demand the person improve their behavior. If they don't do this, I'm inclined to just get up and walk away from them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
902 Posts
Mm, I would say no?

I don't get mad or genuinely annoyed at someone very easily. So the little things and the little sorry's neither bother me nor trigger anything. But once it gets there, I tend to leave the relationship. And if I decide to leave, it's pretty permanent.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
Forgiveness all the way

Without forgiveness, the world would be a very bitter place. I forgive but do not forget. I would talk to the person about why what they did upsets/annoys me, and if they continue from them, I would just walk away, although, if provoked, I could possibly explode due to emotion suppression. But still, forgiveness is so important.
 
1 - 20 of 22 Posts
Top