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I have a really great guy friend who is an INTP. He got a new girlfriend who is an ISFJ. Whenever I hung out with him and his gf I always felt that there was a bit of tension (maybe territorial?). Regardless of this, we both tried to get along with each other and we were doing pretty well especially considering I'm pretty much a textbook ENTP. I knew from the INTP though that they were having trouble in their relationship with communication and with the xxxp and xxxj differences.

Then, I made a mistake. We were all at a friends going away party. The INTP and his gf ended up leaving sometime around midnight. A little while after they left, I made a couple comments about how I didnt understand why they were dating if they weren't having sex, because they definitely didnt get along (she's a virgin). I was really drunk at the time and actually didnt even remember saying it. Someone told her about it.

I haven't actually seen either of them since then yet but I will be seeing both of them very soon. Does anyone have any advice on how I should handle this? Should I approach her? Should I drop it? Will she try to get her boyfriend to confront me/ break off our friendship? My step-mom is an ISFJ, I know firsthand that ISFJ's can have this insane grudge-holding ability and can be rather non-confrontational. I really do think she's neat and I know it wasnt my place to talk about their personal relationship, especially when they weren't there.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated! I tend to come off all wrong to ISFJ's!
 

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Discussion Starter #2
I just realized that last post was a little long-winded, sorry about that
 

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I dated an ISFJ for 3 years and my mom is an ISFJ. Let's just say I have experience. Haha Yes, you should probably just go ahead and bite the bullet and say you're sorry straight up. The longer she holds it against you, the worse the outcome.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
would in person be better or over a message?
 

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Apologize in person, an ISFJ probably wont rebuke the apology then. They may still feel begrudged on the inside, but being people with strong Fe, they likely wont make a scene about it. Then later, even if she's still a little upset about it, it wont matter because she's accepted your apology. ISFJ's generally stick to what they agree to in person.
 
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Yeah.. You don't want to gossip about an ISFJ.. That's almost unforgivable in my book. :dry: Good luck with the apology but if I were you, I'd just act like you don't remember saying anything. Assure her you think they're a cute couple and that you must have been totalllly wasted the other night! lol

I'm dead serious btw.. UNFORGIVABLE!! :shocked:
 

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I have a really great guy friend who is an INTP. He got a new girlfriend who is an ISFJ. Whenever I hung out with him and his gf I always felt that there was a bit of tension (maybe territorial?). Regardless of this, we both tried to get along with each other and we were doing pretty well especially considering I'm pretty much a textbook ENTP. I knew from the INTP though that they were having trouble in their relationship with communication and with the xxxp and xxxj differences.

Then, I made a mistake. We were all at a friends going away party. The INTP and his gf ended up leaving sometime around midnight. A little while after they left, I made a couple comments about how I didnt understand why they were dating if they weren't having sex, because they definitely didnt get along (she's a virgin). I was really drunk at the time and actually didnt even remember saying it. Someone told her about it.

I haven't actually seen either of them since then yet but I will be seeing both of them very soon. Does anyone have any advice on how I should handle this? Should I approach her? Should I drop it? Will she try to get her boyfriend to confront me/ break off our friendship? My step-mom is an ISFJ, I know firsthand that ISFJ's can have this insane grudge-holding ability and can be rather non-confrontational. I really do think she's neat and I know it wasnt my place to talk about their personal relationship, especially when they weren't there.
Yeah, like others have said, the best thing you can do is just apologize in person to her, and just do whatever you can to make sure she knows your genuinely are sorry...because it's possible she'll think you're just doing it not to look bad. I know that when I get hurt by something, I can have a hard time trusting the sincerity of someone's apology. Like floryshe said, you can mention that you were drunk and it was a really stupid thing to say.

Even though ISFJ's can hold long grudges, I think it's because we have strong trust issues...I know I do (though I'm also an Enneagram type 6). If she believes it's genuine apology, she will feel much much better about you. Saying sorry to an ISFJ really sets the world right for us, especially when our emotions are hurt.

That's one of the biggest problems I've had with NT's in the past...they'll do things that I find hurtful and either not be aware of it or not seem to care. It makes them come across as cold and even arrogant in my eyes. So to see someone humble themselves, admit their mistake and genuinely show concern...it means so much to me, it really sets everything right and gives me peace. It just makes me feel good.

autumn potential said:
Any advice would be greatly appreciated! I tend to come off all wrong to ISFJ's!
In all fairness, this is largely because we can be overly sensitive to things and take things too seriously. I don't know how many times NT's (or even just T's in general) have said things that have hurt me, but I've later gone to realize that they didn't mean anything by it, they were just trying to have fun. I've learned that they usually aren't nearly as self-conscious as I am and other people saying things like that to them don't bother them, so they naturally assume that it won't bother others either. So a lot of it is our fault for being so sensitive...I know that I've gotten along a lot better with NT's when I stopped letting little comments and things bother me so much.

That being said, it's really good that you understand that you may have hurt her...just realizing that and feeling bad about is a huge first step, and as long as you keep that in mind it'll go a long way to helping improve the relationship between you two.


Good luck!
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Thank you all for your advice! I'll post how it goes
 

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My sister is an ISFJ.

Yes, apologize in person -- she's likely to accept it will none or not too much fan fare.
I think she'll be pleased you apologized.
 

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I have a really great guy friend who is an INTP. He got a new girlfriend who is an ISFJ. Whenever I hung out with him and his gf I always felt that there was a bit of tension (maybe territorial?). Regardless of this, we both tried to get along with each other and we were doing pretty well especially considering I'm pretty much a textbook ENTP. I knew from the INTP though that they were having trouble in their relationship with communication and with the xxxp and xxxj differences.

Then, I made a mistake. We were all at a friends going away party. The INTP and his gf ended up leaving sometime around midnight. A little while after they left, I made a couple comments about how I didnt understand why they were dating if they weren't having sex, because they definitely didnt get along (she's a virgin). I was really drunk at the time and actually didnt even remember saying it. Someone told her about it.

I haven't actually seen either of them since then yet but I will be seeing both of them very soon. Does anyone have any advice on how I should handle this? Should I approach her? Should I drop it? Will she try to get her boyfriend to confront me/ break off our friendship? My step-mom is an ISFJ, I know firsthand that ISFJ's can have this insane grudge-holding ability and can be rather non-confrontational. I really do think she's neat and I know it wasnt my place to talk about their personal relationship, especially when they weren't there.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated! I tend to come off all wrong to ISFJ's!
She is your antithesis.

Everything you do will be "wrong"
 
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She is your antithesis.

Everything you do will be "wrong"
I have a disturbing feeling that this is going to be the case ... She's young, only like 16, and hasnt quite matured into a more accepting person yet. I think it wouldnt be such a big deal if I wasnt a girl who is good friends with her boyfriend

:frustrating:

I think my new roommate in college might be an ISFJ also and I'm walking on egg shells trying not to screw up, its really frustrating! I'm seriously tempted to just say "Screw it" and to be myself, but something tells me that living in such small quarters with a roommate (of any type really) who hates you is just going to be miserable

But back on topic... There has to be a way that our two types can get along! What really bothers you guys about ENTP's?
 

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Pish, why focus on the negatives? I for one think that ENTPs have some great qualities.

A very close friend of mine is an ENTP :happy: He is one of the most joyful people I know. I love his ability to become intensely passionate about something, practicing it over and over until he has it perfect. His enthusiasm is infectious, he seems to live in a world of limitless possibilities. He has a wonderful grasp on people and social situations. Able to instantly put most people at total ease. He has an amazing sense of style and aesthetic and a refreshing worldview. Following through on every one of his plans isn't something he does, but that's just his style and it lets him keep doing what he's doing. He likes to live in the present moment. I find we counterbalance each other nicely.

As for your situation, forgiving that could be a serious challenge for said 16 y/o... at least right now. As I see it, you have a choice. You've both acted in ways you may not be exactly proud of, but you were the one to realize that. So, if I were you I would do as the other people in this thread say and apologize in person. The more sincere sounding the better. Hell, lie if you want! (Just do not get caught doing that, that'd be strike 2...). Once someone (sincerely) apologizes to me if I felt slighted, I have to try very hard to stay mad. "Taking responsibility" for your actions will impress isfjs everywhere.

Oh, and just fyi, do not get into a contest of pride with an isfj. It's like having a staring contest with a brick wall, except with more collateral damage.
 

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Hmmm... I know a few ENTP's. My dad's one, and a few of my classmates in school are ENTP's as well.

There were a few things about them that bothered me at first. In school, I found that they kinda skivved off and that bothered me a little. Shirking off one's duties is not good :p

Also, sometimes I find them a little... overwhelming. One time I said something in class, and I guess this kid misinterpretted it or was
just arguing for the sake of messing with me. The point is, embarressment in public isn't a good thing, I think. If you're gonna confront me about something, doing it in private is better.

As for joking around, I don't mind it so much if I know you well, but if it calls my integrity or... efficiancy (?) into question, I don't like it in public or with someone I'm not familiar with. Even if you're joking around, I don't really like to be teased if I'm not close to the teaser.

However, once you get closer to them I don't think it will be as much of an issue; there was one ENTP kid who I hated for the first couple years of high school because he acted really sexist and obnoxious, but now I actually sort of find his comments to be kinda humorous... I guess I just got used to his outlandishness lol

Also! When you're explaining something, don't assume we can just jump right on board with what you're talking about. Try to give us a good mental picture before jumping into something complex. My dad does that to me all the time and it annoys the hell out of me XD

I hope that helps :/
 

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Success

A little update with the ISFJ roommate:

We get along great and quite literally have never had a fight! We're good friends :) Fellow MBTI-ers, don't believe too much in duality and inter type relations! I have not met a good infp or entp here but ended up good good friends with my antichrist, the isfj! :D It's been a good year
 
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A little update with the ISFJ roommate:

We get along great and quite literally have never had a fight! We're good friends :) Fellow MBTI-ers, don't believe too much in duality and inter type relations! I have not met a good infp or entp here but ended up good good friends with my antichrist, the isfj! :D It's been a good year
I think that ISFJs and ENTPs find a good contrast in each other. I mean, my very best friend is an ENTP. I find that its a surprisingly balanced relationship. I have looked online and others have said that as well. I'm so glad things worked out! XD
 

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ISFJs, if someone you did not know very well, but saw very often - 'casual friend' - who was always very nice to you and sensitive to your feelings - who you had never seen get angry at you before - lost it and got angry at you (over a misunderstanding) and then apologized afterwards, what are the chances that you could still be friends? would you be hesitant to keep getting to know them and decide you will never trust them again?
 

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ISFJs, if someone you did not know very well, but saw very often - 'casual friend' - who was always very nice to you and sensitive to your feelings - who you had never seen get angry at you before - lost it and got angry at you (over a misunderstanding) and then apologized afterwards, what are the chances that you could still be friends? would you be hesitant to keep getting to know them and decide you will never trust them again?
For me it would depend on how bad the anger was and how sincere the apology. I can usually get over these things really easily (some say too easily) but if it hits on one of my deeply held values or my sense of self then you'd have a harder time winning me back.
 
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Get them to walk 5 miles then their brains will be more adventurous and can handle creative ways at looking at life more. Other than that though, don't introduce too much change at once, unless you are prepared to be very supportive.. etc.

-previously engaged to ISFJ
 

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ISFJs, if someone you did not know very well, but saw very often - 'casual friend' - who was always very nice to you and sensitive to your feelings - who you had never seen get angry at you before - lost it and got angry at you (over a misunderstanding) and then apologized afterwards, what are the chances that you could still be friends? would you be hesitant to keep getting to know them and decide you will never trust them again?
depends. i often find myself just putting up with people who are regularly trashing my peace of mind (and that really makes me feel like i'm doing a lot of work sometimes for their benefit) and then (and i've had this happen quite a few times growing up) they blow up on me over nothing, it's usually quite wounding. it's like, letting me know just how little everything i've ever done has meant and what exactly they're willing to throw me away over. yeah, it's hard to forget that.
 
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