Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 26 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
74 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hello, fellow NFs. My sweetie is pretty depressed and has been working for his family and sorting through his past things because there is no longer room to store them there. He is 27, feels like a complete failure and spending time near his family, I think, is making it worse.

Partially because he was abused by his brother who was hit by a car and killed when he was a teen, and my sweetie was a pre-teen, just when their relationship was starting to get better. And my sweetie (I'll call him my SO, for Significant Other) feels like his family knew about it and never did anything to stop it from happening. They are very passive. And former Catholics, so that's the environment my SO grew up in - and even now he's overcome with guilt and regret.
Another thing that's going on at his family's is that his sister is neglecting her dog and his health is suffering. My SO is such a kind-hearted person and being around suffering animals, and seeing his sister turn a blind eye is too much for him to bear.

I've bee encouraging him to go to therapy and to get a job away from working for his family, but he keeps talking himself in circles. He says he can't go to therapy unless he has a job, and yet it seems that he can't get a job unless he goes to therapy. I wish it was easier to see a therapist that takes insurance for people with low incomes.

Anyways, there's more I can say, but I'm going to stop here and see if anyone has any advice. Thank you so much!
 
  • Like
Reactions: Llyralen

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,237 Posts
I’m going to pm you if you don’t mind and if the forum will let me...
 
  • Like
Reactions: Loonkin

·
Registered
Joined
·
673 Posts
I have been where you are Loonkin, or a shade of where you are, with an INFP partner with a background of layered traumas. I sooo understand wanting solutions, but what I can mostly give you is validation that this is a very complex problem for your SO, and you by loving extension. I can also recommend reading material. Don't know enough of the details of your situation to tailor those recommendations here in the thread, but if you want to talk, you and I can PM too. (Llyralen's insights on PerC are awesome by the way; I know she'll do right by you!)

I will say, one thing an ENFP can be really (almost supernaturally so, from my INFJ perspective) good at is breaking someone else's circle. If you've already tried to do that with your SO regarding therapy, and gotten no where, it may be time to switch things up in a big way.
 

·
Banned
INFP 9w1 sp/so
Joined
·
2,470 Posts
I'm really sorry to hear all that, that sounds awful. I really hope things can turn around for him. You mentioned therapy, obviously as you mentioned the situation there is awkward but it really can't be exaggerated how much it'll help. He'll be able to unload his problems onto a knowledgeable set of ears that will be able to understand his mindset perfectly and know exactly what to do to help him get his mind out of the fog. I've had a trial run with a therapist (haven't been able to get more sessions with her cause I have a bad case of broke) and it's absolutely insane how relieved you feel after just one chat with one. If the therapist is good you really do feel like you've found a way out. I really really recommend it for him. I think finding a way to break that circle of his should probably be a priority. Of course make sure you find a good therapist, someone who gives you the impression that they genuinely like to help. Someone that'll really engage with him on a human level rather than a frumpy businesslike doctor.

But until then, honestly it really depends on what kind of person he is. I don't believe in giving advice based on someone's MBTI type, that doesn't necessarily determine what kind of help a person needs the most and I don't want to give any advice that turns out to be catastrophically bad for him based on type stereotypes. But with him being Fi-dominant and stuck in his head thanks to his Ne I'd imagine he probably finds himself dwelling on his problems quite a lot, so as long as you as someone that cares for him are there for him while he's in those slumps that'll be a huge help. Lend an ear, make sure he knows your shoulder is ready for him to cry on. Don't let him bottle his problems up or he'll explode. Be a reassuring voice. He might not make it apparent when you've helped him feel better, so don't feel disheartened if it ever seems like you've failed to help. I'm sure that as long as he can see that someone cares about him enough to really try to help him through his depression that in itself will be a big help to him. Knowing you're loved and cared for is always wonderful, especially for an unhealthy Fi-Ne who will likely often feel alone. That's really all I can say for certain.

Best of luck for both of you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,722 Posts
Couldn't give a better explanation than Peterson on this topic. I've had my share of depression, what helped me was to take action and actively pursue my goals. This guy, however, has depression run down in his family, I believe he knows what he's talking about.

 

·
Registered
Joined
·
930 Posts
Hi, I'm Liz! I work on a suicide/crisis hotline. One of the many reasons people contact us is because they say "I have a lot of issues, but I can't afford a therapist." So our free hotline is a good solution.

Of course, I'm picking up intuitively that your boyfriend would not really want to see a therapist, even if he could... and that is a whole other issue altogether.

But, in the case that you'd like to offer him some alternatives, here you go:

1. There are many health clinics that provide FREE mental health services. Yes I said FREE. One way to go about finding such places is to go to this website: https://findtreatment.samhsa.gov/
Type in your zipcode and you'll find places near you where you can find free or low income health services.

2. There are a number of free hotlines that your boyfriend can check out. One is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. 1-800-273-8255. There is also Crisis Text Line, where you can text 741-741. These are free, anonymous, confidential. Nobody will know it is him contacting and it is completely free and he gets to talk with a counselor.

If you need more resources please message me, it's what I do for a living :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
74 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
Hello, fellow NFs. My sweetie is pretty depressed and has been working for his family and sorting through his past things because there is no longer room to store them there. He is 27, feels like a complete failure and spending time near his family, I think, is making it worse.

Partially because he was abused by his brother who was hit by a car and killed when he was a teen, and my sweetie was a pre-teen, just when their relationship was starting to get better. And my sweetie (I'll call him my SO, for Significant Other) feels like his family knew about it and never did anything to stop it from happening. They are very passive. And former Catholics, so that's the environment my SO grew up in - and even now he's overcome with guilt and regret.
Another thing that's going on at his family's is that his sister is neglecting her dog and his health is suffering. My SO is such a kind-hearted person and being around suffering animals, and seeing his sister turn a blind eye is too much for him to bear.

I've bee encouraging him to go to therapy and to get a job away from working for his family, but he keeps talking himself in circles. He says he can't go to therapy unless he has a job, and yet it seems that he can't get a job unless he goes to therapy. I wish it was easier to see a therapist that takes insurance for people with low incomes.

Anyways, there's more I can say, but I'm going to stop here and see if anyone has any advice. Thank you so much!
Somehow I put down his age when we met. He's actually 29! :D
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
74 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
Thank you so much, everyone! I've been talking to some of you in private and I really appreciate your willingness to talk about this with me and help me process. He did set up the first step for a therapist - and intake assessment that starts next week. And I'm going to talk to him today about how I really need to start seeing some shifts if we can expect this relationship to make it.
I'm honestly concerned, though, about what might happen to his spiralling if we do break up. But ultimately, I can't sacrifice my own well being for something that might happen.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,237 Posts
Couldn't give a better explanation than Peterson on this topic. I've had my share of depression, what helped me was to take action and actively pursue my goals. This guy, however, has depression run down in his family, I believe he knows what he's talking about.

I wish every NFP would see this video, depressed or not. That was excellent, Fru2. I especially liked hearing his thoughts on meaning and... the stuff with the study with the "old" words.... I saw a study once that said that people who watched the show "Friends" actually reported having more in real life friends. We are just so influenced...
 
  • Like
Reactions: Loonkin and Fru2

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,722 Posts
I wish every NFP would see this video, depressed or not. That was excellent, Fru2. I especially liked hearing his thoughts on meaning and... the stuff with the study with the "old" words.... I saw a study once that said that people who watched the show "Friends" actually reported having more in real life friends. We are just so influenced...
I especially like his theory about thoughts. That most of what we think and say is not really our thoughts, it's a conglomerate of ideas and information we receive from outside and then implement in our general knowledge. But to be able to formulate your own idea or thought is a much harder task than imagined. In time, generating those thoughts becomes easier and you become much more aware of outside influence, and you've actually got to have a say on the topics you contemplated on, and those genuine thoughts that come from contemplation, you know they're truth to you, and are often powerful in influencing other people, because it's something they haven't heard before.
 
Joined
·
9,999 Posts
I wish every NFP would see this video, depressed or not. That was excellent, Fru2. I especially liked hearing his thoughts on meaning
What he says kind of touches on what I said before about happiness vs. meaning. Happiness is a bit like rainbows, you sometimes see some and maybe you'll see more if you really hunt for them and they are wonderful to behold, but ultimately they come and go and most of the time there won't be any, plus you'll need to get wet first. And you can get by perfectly fine without rainbows.

Meaning is more like oxygen. You've got to have some in order to be able to breathe. You suffocate without meaning. Ideally it gets mixed in the right proportions with reality ("nitrogen") as pure oxygen is toxic.

As far as depression goes, I do feel that he steps too lightly over the matter of doing stuff, but that tends to be the matter with 1s ... they tend to have this deeply visceral need to fix what's wrong, and when you don't really have that, it's harder to find something solid to hold onto. I don't find Doing and Achieving meaningful enough to get me out of bed.

What instead helps me get through the day is knowing that there's this type 9 parasite in my brain, and if I work hard enough, I have a chance of repeatedly kicking his arse. I don't get fired up from fighting someone else or possessing someone, but I do get fired up if I can locate some disgusting part of myself that I can beat up to become a better version of myself. Some flavour of masochism maybe, but as long as it works...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
673 Posts
but I do get fired up if I can locate some disgusting part of myself that I can beat up to become a better version of myself. Some flavour of masochism maybe, but as long as it works...
Now I'm worried, Marvin! This really works for you? Like, even in terms of cost / benefit ratios? Can you be more specific about how it works? I may have wrong end of the stick here, but I'm getting a sort of "love the smell of napalm in the morning" vibe.

When the prospect of kicking their own arse all day long is the thing that gets someone out of bed . . . I have not seen things end well. As a long term strategy, I'd say it produces more of a need for arse-balm and puffy slippers than self actualization. Masochism is for pleasure, not productivity. And self disgust is for . . .?:unsure:
 
Joined
·
9,999 Posts
Now I'm worried, Marvin! This really works for you? Like, even in terms of cost / benefit ratios? Can you be more specific about how it works? I may have wrong end of the stick here, but I'm getting a sort of "love the smell of napalm in the morning" vibe.

When the prospect of kicking their own arse all day long is the thing that gets someone out of bed . . . I have not seen things end well. As a long term strategy, I'd say it produces more of a need for arse-balm and puffy slippers than self actualization. Masochism is for pleasure, not productivity. And self disgust is for . . .?:unsure:
Well, at least I can't point out anything else that does. I mean, I'm still a 9 and still waste most of my life doing nothing, so it's not like I get up at 4am to whip myself bloody and go through the rest of the day with a taste of blood in my mouth. Love doesn't seem to fire me up much, or else I haven't truly felt it yet. It's hard to feel anything much when your brain is working double shift to make sure you don't.

So what works? Being angry at myself for F'ing up life seems to get me going, and sometimes produces enough motion that inertia is overcome, momentarily at least. I can't think of achieving or accomplishing anything that would feel meaningful enough to get me out of bed, because doing doesn't do it for me, pun intended. I get no boners from accomplishing things. I probably would in a healthier state, but I'm not going to get there unless something helps me move forward.

Also, when I mention self-disgust, it doesn't mean what you think it does. I don't think I'm a bad person or someone who deserves to suffer. I'm a pretty decent guy overall. But the unhealthy tendencies of my E9 nature, immensely strengthened by years of inertia and lethargy, do feel like a parasite in my brain, and anger at that parasite does seem to give me some forward momentum. Not 100 mph, but frankly after all these years of 0, I'll sing hallelujah for 10 mph.

So an accurate mental image of me would look more like a round, cuddly teddy bear waking up for half an hour here & there to semi-lazily push himself to walk once or twice around the block before falling asleep again, instead of a Spartan whipping himself into a frenzy before battle.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
673 Posts
I'm sorry, I believe I crossed a line. If I am a fly, articulate self-awareness is my flypaper. You're a very sticky sufferer, Marvin.

Well, at least I can't point out anything else that does. I mean, I'm still a 9 and still waste most of my life doing nothing, so it's not like I get up at 4am to whip myself bloody and go through the rest of the day with a taste of blood in my mouth. Love doesn't seem to fire me up much, or else I haven't truly felt it yet. It's hard to feel anything much when your brain is working double shift to make sure you don't.

So what works? Being angry at myself for F'ing up life seems to get me going, and sometimes produces enough motion that inertia is overcome, momentarily at least. I can't think of achieving or accomplishing anything that would feel meaningful enough to get me out of bed, because doing doesn't do it for me, pun intended. I get no boners from accomplishing things. I probably would in a healthier state, but I'm not going to get there unless something helps me move forward.
I actually know what what you mean, but from the obverse. *Buzzes. Flies off before there's time to roll a magazine.*
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,237 Posts
Well, at least I can't point out anything else that does. I mean, I'm still a 9 and still waste most of my life doing nothing, so it's not like I get up at 4am to whip myself bloody and go through the rest of the day with a taste of blood in my mouth. Love doesn't seem to fire me up much, or else I haven't truly felt it yet. It's hard to feel anything much when your brain is working double shift to make sure you don't.

So what works? Being angry at myself for F'ing up life seems to get me going, and sometimes produces enough motion that inertia is overcome, momentarily at least. I can't think of achieving or accomplishing anything that would feel meaningful enough to get me out of bed, because doing doesn't do it for me, pun intended. I get no boners from accomplishing things. I probably would in a healthier state, but I'm not going to get there unless something helps me move forward.

Also, when I mention self-disgust, it doesn't mean what you think it does. I don't think I'm a bad person or someone who deserves to suffer. I'm a pretty decent guy overall. But the unhealthy tendencies of my E9 nature, immensely strengthened by years of inertia and lethargy, do feel like a parasite in my brain, and anger at that parasite does seem to give me some forward momentum. Not 100 mph, but frankly after all these years of 0, I'll sing hallelujah for 10 mph.

So an accurate mental image of me would look more like a round, cuddly teddy bear waking up for half an hour here & there to semi-lazily push himself to walk once or twice around the block before falling asleep again, instead of a Spartan whipping himself into a frenzy before battle.
Well, I would say that most of this year for me has meant a change in purpose. My kids growing up being much more independent, a less impactful job, questions in faith. I think that for me I’ve been highly motivated feeling like the pillar upon which much relied most of my life. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt like nothing much depended on me until this year and I’ve been looking at this year by that angle and realizing that these were big losses for me...fueling a type of existential kind of crisis for me. And I am glad I hit on this as the cause, it all adds up. For me I’ve been very motivated to figure out the decline in my usual equilibrium, but um...I think before that when I did feel so much purpose that my focus was trying to look at things positively and cultivate happiness. There was so question then of my meaningfulness.

So maybe there is a hiarchy, that when meaningfulness is attained then happiness is the next thing to work on. I always did know that meaning was more important....but happiness was important too. /shrug.
 
Joined
·
9,999 Posts
I'm sorry, I believe I crossed a line. If I am a fly, articulate self-awareness is my flypaper. You're a very sticky sufferer, Marvin.
Haha. Don't mind me. Can't see any crossed lines from here *squints*

I actually know what what you mean, but from the obverse.
Do share if you feel like it. I'm mostly engaged in a Very Slow effort to bring my brain and body back online after a decade-long blackout, so any activity is good as far as I'm concerned. Anger is infinitely better than acedia.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
673 Posts
So this is officially a hijack. Apologies, Loonkin.

Do share if you feel like it.
Well, what popped into my head just now reading that was Malvolio's line, bastardized: "Some are born ineffectual, some achieve ineffectuality, some have ineffectuality thrust upon 'em."

I'm mostly engaged in a Very Slow effort to bring my brain and body back online after a decade-long blackout, so any activity is good as far as I'm concerned. Anger is infinitely better than acedia.
I agree.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,722 Posts
Well, I would say that most of this year for me has meant a change in purpose. My kids growing up being much more independent, a less impactful job, questions in faith. I think that for me I’ve been highly motivated feeling like the pillar upon which much relied most of my life. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt like nothing much depended on me until this year and I’ve been looking at this year by that angle and realizing that these were big losses for me...fueling a type of existential kind of crisis for me. And I am glad I hit on this as the cause, it all adds up. For me I’ve been very motivated to figure out the decline in my usual equilibrium, but um...I think before that when I did feel so much purpose that my focus was trying to look at things positively and cultivate happiness. There was so question then of my meaningfulness.

So maybe there is a hiarchy, that when meaningfulness is attained then happiness is the next thing to work on. I always did know that meaning was more important....but happiness was important too. /shrug.
I want to disagree with you @Llyralen. I think that meaning is the only thing that's lasting. Happiness is a thing that comes and goes. Whenever you pursue your passions it gives you happiness at the beginning, until you adopt it as a habit. What makes you stick to it is the meaning you get out of it. I don't know, for me creation is meaningful. Yeah, I get happy when I complete something creative, but its only because I've brought to this world something which I've seen as meaningful.

I think this ease of burdens on you is a great sign for you to pursue taking on a bigger responsibility. Trying to bring our meaningful dreams into reality is our driving force, especially as 7s. The fact that you're feeling something missing is a sign of that. I think you need to embrace the fact that you've got a huge potential for leadership and creating an impact at this moment in your life. We're excellent big picture builders, but sometimes just need a little push from people who recognize our own potential in order to start moving in the trajectory we were meant to move into.

Don't settle for feeling comfortable in a space in which you cant grow, this is the worst thing you could do to yourself at this point in your life. Think of yourself as a plant, you're not going to put a glass sphere around it right at the moment when its roots get established. Think about all the people that could benefit from your shade.

 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,309 Posts
Hi, I'm Liz! I work on a suicide/crisis hotline. One of the many reasons people contact us is because they say "I have a lot of issues, but I can't afford a therapist." So our free hotline is a good solution.

Of course, I'm picking up intuitively that your boyfriend would not really want to see a therapist, even if he could... and that is a whole other issue altogether.

But, in the case that you'd like to offer him some alternatives, here you go:

1. There are many health clinics that provide FREE mental health services. Yes I said FREE. One way to go about finding such places is to go to this website: https://findtreatment.samhsa.gov/
Type in your zipcode and you'll find places near you where you can find free or low income health services.

2. There are a number of free hotlines that your boyfriend can check out. One is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. 1-800-273-8255. There is also Crisis Text Line, where you can text 741-741. These are free, anonymous, confidential. Nobody will know it is him contacting and it is completely free and he gets to talk with a counselor.

If you need more resources please message me, it's what I do for a living :)
Your opening just totally sounded like a sales pitch. XD

....... I know this situation isn't to be taken lightly though...
 
1 - 20 of 26 Posts
Top