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Discussion Starter #1
I'm an INTJ female, and I think I have a crush on an INTJ male.

We spent most of the day talking (online) after meeting once in person (through a mutual friend). We seemed to enjoy talking in person, too.

I have limited romantic experience, so I don't really know what to do to express interest (I also don't think I want to do this). I also don't know how to distinguish between his being a nice, friendly person and his being interested in me romantically.

Advice, experiences, insights are welcome. Thank you!
 

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Plague Doctor
INTJ, 5w4, Ni-T type
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I'm an INTJ female, and I think I have a crush on an INTJ male.
Do you think you have a crush or is it that you think he is an INTJ?

When I was single, I didn't like to make the first move either. Still, it's important to be direct and, if he's an INTJ he'll appreciate it. I'd suggest saying, "I like you. You're ______." It's enough to let him know that you like him (this will get his attention that maybe you mean you "like like" him) and not enough to be considered overbearing.

Examples:

"I like you. You're funny."
"I like you. You're interesting."
"I like you. You dress nice."

That's as far as I'd go to tell someone I liked them while also being discrete. But then, that was important to me at that time when I was a teen/early 20s. Now, I'd probably be like, "I think it makes sense that we should date now. What do you think?" But that's after a while of finally getting that I didn't have to be timid or play gender roles in order to get a quality person.
 

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Do you think you have a crush or is it that you think he is an INTJ?

When I was single, I didn't like to make the first move either. Still, it's important to be direct and, if he's an INTJ he'll appreciate it. I'd suggest saying, "I like you. You're ______." It's enough to let him know that you like him (this will get his attention that maybe you mean you "like like" him) and not enough to be considered overbearing.

Examples:

"I like you. You're funny."
"I like you. You're interesting."
"I like you. You dress nice."

That's as far as I'd go to tell someone I liked them while also being discrete. But then, that was important to me at that time when I was a teen/early 20s. Now, I'd probably be like, "I think it makes sense that we should date now. What do you think?" But that's after a while of finally getting that I didn't have to be timid or play gender roles in order to get a quality person.
This is general advice - not really specific to any one type. Dropping hints that you're interested can be effective, sometimes taking the pressure off compared to the direct approach. I love the story of some good friends of mine whom eventually got married - they met through mutual friends of ours, and started talking online. He said he wasn't sure if she was really interested, because he didn't really see why a woman would be interested in him - he hadn't much luck in dating. When they were chatting online, she said, "I really like red-heads. ;) " .... he said, he took that as the cue that she was definitely interested, haha. Then he asked her to go do things with him - see the latest nerdy movie, she invited him to eat at her house (she loves cooking), they went on walks together... they were on cloud 9.

The 1st move takes courage, and any indicator that rejection will be less likely can increase chances that someone will make their intentions more clear. INTJ appreciates directness, yes, but that doesn't mean flirting isn't fun and effective. :tongue:

However, I'm confused about why you say that you don't really want to express interest. If that is true, what does it matter if he's interested?
 

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Discussion Starter #6
I've dated 1 confirmed INTJ female
we got along great it was like I was observing myself from a external point
she has post traumatic stress syndrome and it didn't work out
it was a bit awkward since neither one of us made the 1st move
How did it happen if neither of you made the first move?
 

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Discussion Starter #7
This is general advice - not really specific to any one type. Dropping hints that you're interested can be effective, sometimes taking the pressure off compared to the direct approach. I love the story of some good friends of mine whom eventually got married - they met through mutual friends of ours, and started talking online. He said he wasn't sure if she was really interested, because he didn't really see why a woman would be interested in him - he hadn't much luck in dating. When they were chatting online, she said, "I really like red-heads. ;) " .... he said, he took that as the cue that she was definitely interested, haha. Then he asked her to go do things with him - see the latest nerdy movie, she invited him to eat at her house (she loves cooking), they went on walks together... they were on cloud 9.

The 1st move takes courage, and any indicator that rejection will be less likely can increase chances that someone will make their intentions more clear. INTJ appreciates directness, yes, but that doesn't mean flirting isn't fun and effective. :tongue:

However, I'm confused about why you say that you don't really want to express interest. If that is true, what does it matter if he's interested?
Thank you for sharing your friend's story. This is helpful, the idea that indicating that rejection will be less likely might increase the chances that someone will make their intentions clear.

I don't want to express interest first; I will be happy to express interest if I know that he is interested. Does that make sense?
 

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Plague Doctor
INTJ, 5w4, Ni-T type
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How did it happen if neither of you made the first move?
I know you're asking vinniebob, but with me and INTP @hornpipe2, our friends just kept pushing us together. I'm sure we would have gotten there on our own somehow, but I'm not certain how long it would have taken.
 

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I know you're asking vinniebob, but with me and INTP @hornpipe2, our friends just kept pushing us together. I'm sure we would have gotten there on our own somehow, but I'm not certain how long it would have taken.
Can confirm, we would have drifted together eventually, but it would have taken like six months of Scrabble games online before working up to "want to go like hang out or whatever?"
 

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Plague Doctor
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Can confirm, we would have drifted together eventually, but it would have taken like six months of Scrabble games online before working up to "want to go like hang out or whatever?"
lol but at the time hadn't we already spent 6 months of scrabble game playing?
 

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I'm married to an INTJ for 2 years now. We talked online for more than a year as friends before even talking about the possibility of being "together," being more than friends. 2.5 years after that we got married. Relatively slow moving but we'll spend the rest of our lives together so it wasn't time wasted.

I know people worry about 'snapping people up' when they think they like someone and that person is currently available. I think "if it's meant to happen, it'll happen" and try to let things progress without too much worrying.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
I'm married to an INTJ for 2 years now. We talked online for more than a year as friends before even talking about the possibility of being "together," being more than friends. 2.5 years after that we got married. Relatively slow moving but we'll spend the rest of our lives together so it wasn't time wasted.

I know people worry about 'snapping people up' when they think they like someone and that person is currently available. I think "if it's meant to happen, it'll happen" and try to let things progress without too much worrying.
Thank you for sharing! Are there any (subtle or more obvious) behaviours during conversation that could indicate romantic interest as opposed to general friendliness?
 

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Thank you for sharing! Are there any (subtle or more obvious) behaviours during conversation that could indicate romantic interest as opposed to general friendliness?
If there was, I wouldn't trust my own ability to pick up on it, nor would I trust that it is conscious on their part and therefore worth assuming to be known. Also I personally don't like my intentions and feelings assumed so I try not to assume other people's.

Honesty is the best policy. And also straightforward discussions. I like brightflashes recommendation of straight-up telling him that you like X about him.
 

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If you "think" he's an INTJ, just don't.

Get physical, or get him interested in you because of something you've got.


We've seen it all, and it's gotta be something special to make it worth the time.
 

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I'm an INTJ female, and I think I have a crush on an INTJ male.

We spent most of the day talking (online) after meeting once in person (through a mutual friend). We seemed to enjoy talking in person, too.

I have limited romantic experience, so I don't really know what to do to express interest (I also don't think I want to do this). I also don't know how to distinguish between his being a nice, friendly person and his being interested in me romantically.

Advice, experiences, insights are welcome. Thank you!
Message the guy and ask him if he wants to have lunch or coffee/tea. Then bite the bullet. Fear of humiliation is terrible, but we all have to grow up at some point.

edit: maybe take some anxiety medication to help you out.
 

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Another perspective on the above question, if you are both INTJ's then, in theory, you both have very similar values and views on the world as a whole. I believe you could apply the criterion "If I like X and Y, then there is a <insert an appropriate percentage here> that he will as well. Although, I will admit I am rather poorly versed in such matters, but here are my proverbial "2 cents".
 
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Delphic Seer
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I once dated a fellow INTJ and it feels simultaneously awkward and gratifying. :proud:

Funnily enough, it felt as if I was dating a female version of myself… :kitteh: :laughing:
 

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This is cute.

Usually I prefer to drop body language so that the guy feels comfortable approaching me, but if that doesn't work, I'll be the forward one and confess my feelings. I like shy guys, so this has happened pretty often. Because of that, it's been easy to be blunt about stuff like that rather than wasting time wondering how he feels or if I'm being to manly or whatever.

I've only dated one known INTJ. The friendship was nice and feeling like you don't have to explain yourself is the best feeling. The getting together part was awkward as hell be he, like myself, didn't want to make a move until he was sure that I liked him. One of y'all i going to have to get over that.
 

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Speaking as a fellow INTJ, I'm incredibly good at giving subtle signals and reading other peoples' subtle signals so long as it isn't romantically related to me. If a guy is interested in me, subtlety doesn't work. I have to be figuratively smacked over the head with it, otherwise, I'll just rationalize everything.

That being said, I've also found that if you can't just take a breath and a chance, you're likely to lose all chances there could have ever been. Rejection is far better than never knowing, in my opinion.

But the not-too-harsh, "I like you, you're xyz," sounds pretty solid for a middle ground.
 
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