[crchirino]

Hello INTJ board members,

Firstly, I would like to thank you all for reading my post. I'm slightly nervous about this post, so please bear with me.

I think I'm really beginning to like this INTJ I met romantically. In fact, he's the first person I've felt this way about since my last relationship which was almost a year ago.

The only issue, is that while I'm very intrigued and attracted to him, I'm also greatly intimidated by him. It's the same reason I think that I'm so attracted to him.

I'm an ENxJ (I fluctuate between the T/F). I'm at time bubbly in personality, and at times very very reserved and logical/lost in thought. We relate on several things, and a lot of times depending on my mood, we have some amazing conversations.

I think INTJ's are amazing individuals, granted I'm intimidated and slightly scared of approaching them. This coming from an extrovert like myself, the fact that I'm intimidated intimidates me more.

Any tips for getting closet to the INTJ?

Thanks for all your help,
Chris

 

[Staryu]

Chris,
he's just like anyone else. he may seem intimidating at first, but that's just the general vibe some INTJs give off.
to get closer to the INTJ..well id say keep doing what you're doing[ ie getting to know him, etc]. if that doesn't work, i don't know what will. but there is a good chance that if he's interested in you, friendship wise even, he will want to get to know you better.
also show the INTJ that you're good at something/try to talk about his intellectual interests. that will definitely score you INTJ brownie points. or even a project at work and your unique ideas about it would be great too, if u guys are coworkers.

 

[Noznin]

is this a secret like or have you had conversations with the person. if an intj has spoken to you more then once using more then one word, then you have their attention.

 

[crchirino]

Chris,
he's just like anyone else. he may seem intimidating at first, but that's just the general vibe some INTJs give off.
to get closer to the INTJ..well id say keep doing what you're doing[ ie getting to know him, etc]. if that doesn't work, i don't know what will. but there is a good chance that if he's interested in you, friendship wise even, he will want to get to know you better.
also show the INTJ that you're good at something/try to talk about his intellectual interests. that will definitely score you INTJ brownie points. or even a project at work and your unique ideas about it would be great too, if u guys are coworkers.

What kind of things would I tell him I'm good at? I feel like community service, teaching, and psychology aren't exactly intriguing to an INTJ. :/ They're very... ENFJish topics. Though I try to talk about writing, which is something we both do. Though our styles are very very different (as expected).

Thanks for your help.

 

[crchirino]

is this a secret like or have you had conversations with the person. if an intj has spoken to you more then once using more then one word, then you have their attention.

We've had conversations. We're going out on a date soon. I'm just worried about keeping his interest. I have never dated someone that wasn't an NF, I'm wondering if there's something I should do to keep their interest.

 

[Filo]

What kind of things would I tell him I'm good at? I feel like community service, teaching, and psychology aren't exactly intriguing to an INTJ. :/ They're very... ENFJish topics. Though I try to talk about writing, which is something we both do. Though our styles are very very different (as expected).

We've had conversations. We're going out on a date soon. I'm just worried about keeping his interest. I have never dated someone that wasn't an NF, I'm wondering if there's something I should do to keep their interest.

Difficult to say. This particular INTJ would really like if it you talked about teaching, psychology, and community service. My girlfriend is a nurse (ENFJ), and I love hearing her talk about her work. I don't understand how she can deal with people, care so much about them. To me, the love she radiates is the pinnacle of attraction, especially because I will never be able to do this myself.

I guess you should see what he is most talkative about. Also, the secret rule of picking up a person: always listen more than you say.

 

[sesshomaru_haku]

Mind if I jack the thread with my own questions? I'm also crushing on an INTJ at the moment (their confidence and sophistication are so utterly attractive *__* ) and I'm wondering how to deal with them.

Firstly, do INTJs usually take the initiative to plan outings? Or is it a good sign that they'd agree to go at all? I've been taking the initiative so far, but the INTJ, being the poker-face guy he is, has given me no way of knowing if he actually wants to go along or if in fact he finds me irritating and is just playing along to appease me.

Secondly, with regards to non face-to-face communication (like over the Internet), is it normal for INTJs to be rather thrifty with their words? Or does that mean they're not interested in talking? ><

Thanks for the help.

 

[DayDreamers]

It appears that it's common for INTJ's to be intimidating and this is something we're not really conscious of and therefore it's not done on purpose. We're just really interested and intense about every fragment of life (I think anyway).

INTJ's are difficult to get really close to, but a few ways to get onto our radar is:

1) Learn the art of sarcasm - it's highly attractive
2) Ask questions - if you show genuine interest then you're halfway there. We can pick up on when you're not interested and boy does it hurt!
3) Don't think too hard about finding something to talk about. INTJ's are generally interested in any topic as long as it's intellectually stimulating for them. This could mean anything from types of cheese to politics.
4) It's pretty easy to tell when an INTJ's is remotely interested in you - they actually bother speaking to you. If your "crush" wasn't interested they wouldn't give you the time of day. We're blunt like that. =D
5) Remember to reciprocate eye contact. INTJ body language makes eye contact look like the infamous "death stare" but it's simply showing deep concentration.


(Disclaimer: I don't know if this applies to all INTJ's but it's worth a try)

Secondly, with regards to non face-to-face communication (like over the Internet), is it normal for INTJs to be rather thrifty with their words? Or does that mean they're not interested in talking? ><

Thanks for the help.

I'm not sure if it's common, but I prefer to speak to people face to face. I want to be a writer, so I'm good at writing down my thoughts into reams and reams of replies. But it terms of moblie phone conversations it's just filled with awkward silences. It's the "J" that hinders this lack of communication because we can't hear facial expressions through the media of the internet or the phone (even if there is an emoticon). That's when it comes in handy to be perceptive.

 

[green4keeps]

What kind of things would I tell him I'm good at? I feel like community service, teaching, and psychology aren't exactly intriguing to an INTJ. :/ They're very... ENFJish topics...

Agreeing with much of what other's have said, Chris, I also say that any topic can be an INTJ topic. They're not much for small talk - they like to get to the heart it. We like to fix things - find ways to improve it, make it more efficient. So if you get into community service and are bringing about improvements or changes through it, an INTJ can find that very impressive - especially if you're able to improve things in ways we struggle with (you can use Fe to help). We appreciate people who are confident within themselves and the things they take on in their world.

My ENTJ is very strong in the realm of business tech, and I am always amazed by her ability to speak to a room and get everyone to move so a project is completed on time AND meeting quality measures at work. I don't have that Extrovert ability... so I find it very impressive in her.

Be confident in who YOU are, don't try to become someone else for an INTJ. We like REAL.

 

[Ziwosa]

INTJ's are difficult to get really close to, but a few ways to get onto our radar is:

1) Learn the art of sarcasm - it's highly attractive
2) Ask questions - if you show genuine interest then you're halfway there. We can pick up on when you're not interested and boy does it hurt!
3) Don't think too hard about finding something to talk about. INTJ's are generally interested in any topic as long as it's intellectually stimulating for them. This could mean anything from types of cheese to politics.

(Disclaimer: I don't know if this applies to all INTJ's but it's worth a try)

It applies to me, and I'm pretty sure it will apply to majority of us, if not all, anyone who doesn't agree with DayDreamers?

 

[Staryu]

What kind of things would I tell him I'm good at? I feel like community service, teaching, and psychology aren't exactly intriguing to an INTJ. :/ They're very... ENFJish topics. Though I try to talk about writing, which is something we both do. Though our styles are very very different (as expected).

Thanks for your help.

Just tell him whatever you're good at, honestly. I personally enjoy learning about someone else's interests, even if I'm not initially into that stuff. I like to ask questions and learn about things, and talking about stuff I don't know much about is interesting because it helps me..well learn about stuff! As they say, knowledge is power. In addition to that[ and I know this is probably uncommon for a stereotypical INTJ], I enjoy talking about their interests because it gives me a chance to connect with the person and get to know them on a deeper level. In my opinion, a person's interests say a lot about their personality.
What you mentioned are definitely intriguing topics! Besides, not every INTJ is the same. From my personal POV, I'd enjoy it if someone talked to me about the stuff they are into.
Talking about a common interest is great, since it helps the INTJ relate on a personal level and according to psych theory and what I think, he'd probably feel a lot "closer" to you.
In the end, things will work out if you guys are meant to be together.

 

[noodle]

I dont know if anyone has said it before but try to be honest about things, INTJs spot it when you are faking. If you fake then we loose interest straight away because we feel that it is a waste of time.
A little smile about a joke that wasnt funny wont ruin the day altough we will still pick up on it, but anything beyond that could be quite annoying.

Gl with your date!:happy:

 

[crchirino]

Agreeing with much of what other's have said, Chris, I also say that any topic can be an INTJ topic. They're not much for small talk - they like to get to the heart it. We like to fix things - find ways to improve it, make it more efficient. So if you get into community service and are bringing about improvements or changes through it, an INTJ can find that very impressive - especially if you're able to improve things in ways we struggle with (you can use Fe to help). We appreciate people who are confident within themselves and the things they take on in their world.

My ENTJ is very strong in the realm of business tech, and I am always amazed by her ability to speak to a room and get everyone to move so a project is completed on time AND meeting quality measures at work. I don't have that Extrovert ability... so I find it very impressive in her.

Be confident in who YOU are, don't try to become someone else for an INTJ. We like REAL.

Thanks everyone for all your help. So far I've gathered some tips and I'm going to be:

• Confident in myself.
• Honest
• Unforceful about conversations.. it's better to have no conversation than useless, heartless conversation.
• Once again, honest.
• Making eye contact.
• Try not to wet my pants in intimidation and realize the INTJ is only trying to figure me out.

Thanks for all your help.

 

[green4keeps]

And don't forget, if he's already agreed to go on a date, he already has an interest in you, or he wouldn't have given you the time of day So take confidence in that as well!! And have a wonderful time!

 

[Filo]

* Confident in myself.
* Honest
* Unforceful about conversations.. it's better to have no conversation than useless, heartless conversation.
* Once again, honest.
* Making eye contact.
* Try not to wet my pants in intimidation and realize the INTJ is only trying to figure me out.

This would actually work for just about any type... Apart from maybe the unforceful bit.

 

[Expat in Japan]

Firstly, do INTJs usually take the initiative to plan outings?

Depends, but because a lot of INTJs do not prefer crowded, social situations their "outings" could be very intimate (meaning just the two of you). But plan every detail of a date? I like to know basic time and place and only plan enough so I do not need to rush anything.

Or is it a good sign that they'd agree to go at all?

Yes, it is a good sign that they are going out.

...(he) has given me no way of knowing if he actually wants to go along or if in fact he finds me irritating and is just playing along to appease me.

If he is appeasing you, you'll know soon enough.

Secondly, with regards to non face-to-face communication (like over the Internet), is it normal for INTJs to be rather thrifty with their words? Or does that mean they're not interested in talking?

INTJs are thrifty with their words generally all of the time. If you get them talking, they can be non-stop on topics that interest them. If this occurs, and if you are not actually interested in the topic, be honest with yourself and them -- your future is not going to be one of mutual intellectual satisfaction.

(Chris, I hope this also helps you!)

 

[Staryu]

Mind if I jack the thread with my own questions? I'm also crushing on an INTJ at the moment (their confidence and sophistication are so utterly attractive *__* ) and I'm wondering how to deal with them.

Firstly, do INTJs usually take the initiative to plan outings? Or is it a good sign that they'd agree to go at all? I've been taking the initiative so far, but the INTJ, being the poker-face guy he is, has given me no way of knowing if he actually wants to go along or if in fact he finds me irritating and is just playing along to appease me.

Secondly, with regards to non face-to-face communication (like over the Internet), is it normal for INTJs to be rather thrifty with their words? Or does that mean they're not interested in talking? ><

Thanks for the help.

1. absolutely, i love hanging out with friends and acquaintances, and being able to plan the outings is even more awesome! but..that's not exactly "typical INTJ." im the friend that's more likely to invite you to an outing rather than recoil from it..except for parties full of noise and drunk people.
2. yup, i often use as few words as possible and often type in shrtfrm since it gets the point across faster. and i like talking!

 

[minavanhelsing]

I'm an ENxJ (I fluctuate between the T/F). I'm at time bubbly in personality, and at times very very reserved and logical/lost in thought. We relate on several things, and a lot of times depending on my mood, we have some amazing conversations.

Hmmm...This is just a random side note, but I don't think this necessarily means that you're fluctating between T and F; my ENFJ is wonderfully intelligent, can be serious and contemplative at times, and is capable of holding fantastically stimulating conversations. It appears to be just another facet of the complex and intriguing ENFJ. :wink:

Mind if I jack the thread with my own questions? I'm also crushing on an INTJ at the moment (their confidence and sophistication are so utterly attractive *__* ) and I'm wondering how to deal with them.

Firstly, do INTJs usually take the initiative to plan outings? Or is it a good sign that they'd agree to go at all? I've been taking the initiative so far, but the INTJ, being the poker-face guy he is, has given me no way of knowing if he actually wants to go along or if in fact he finds me irritating and is just playing along to appease me.

Secondly, with regards to non face-to-face communication (like over the Internet), is it normal for INTJs to be rather thrifty with their words? Or does that mean they're not interested in talking? ><

Thanks for the help.

I think it is a good sign that they'd agree to go out at all. If you're worried that your INTJ isn't really interested in your idea of an outing, just ask and we'll probably be honest with you. And respect you for asking. As far as being thrifty with my words online, I can type pages on a subject of interest, but when it comes to actual communication, I usually don't say much. Emotions are awkward and strange for me, so if I'm emailing back and forth about a date or something, "See you there" or "That's okay with me" or "Miss you" are usually sufficient.

I'm not sure if I'd ever really "plan" an outing, because I don't need much to be happy. Just taking a walk with someone is a wonderful date in my eyes. I imagine this might turn other types off. ;;^.^

Thanks everyone for all your help. So far I've gathered some tips and I'm going to be:

• Confident in myself.
• Honest
• Unforceful about conversations.. it's better to have no conversation than useless, heartless conversation.
• Once again, honest.

Thanks for all your help.

About conversations...I think this is one of the best things you can do. :laughing: I finally started to become comfortable with my ENFJ when I realized that he didn't expect me to converse with him all the time, and just holding hands or sitting together could be enough. If you can show that you're comfortable and content during "quiet time," I think an INTJ is more likely to relax around you and start to think of you as a long-term investment.

Honesty is so, so important, especially when you're angry with your INTJ. For instance, if we ever do something that upsets you, just come right out and say so in a rational, straightforward manner. Honesty never hurts our feelings, and it will help build our trust in and respect for you. Not only are you capable of communicating logically, you are also showing that you understand us.

 

[amiculus]

Be confident in who YOU are, don't try to become someone else for an INTJ. We like REAL.

Absolutely true, and good advice for ANY relationship. Relax and be yourself.

My advice for approaching an INTJ male -- be direct. Tell him that you're attracted to him and why. If you're intimidated tell him that. He will be disarmed by your honesty, and he can adjust his behavior if he's so inclined. Don't expect him to pick up on subtle signs that can be interpreted in many different ways. Get him to talk about himself and his interests. Share your interests. Smile and laugh with him. If it clicks, great.

 

[Thorgar]

He'll prefer you to plan things. But make sure to limit "party" (more than 2 other people besides you) situations to 2 hrs / night. He's an introvert and you don't want to wear him out.

As others have said, be yourself. There's no way you can present a false front to an INTJ and have it last long.

If you have a promiscuous past, keep it under wraps. INTJs generally don't, and don't relate to it well, even the gay ones.