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So...im crying and typing this. It seems so....beautiful...sitting here in the quiet dimly lit living room. The screen door to the deck is slightly open. I hear and feel the gentle cool breaze brush against my legs. I was listening to calm relaxing meditation type music, and i was lookin through things on ebay..and then i just stopped and closed my laptop down.

I sat here and was just looking around then room. I noticed my moms shoes ready for tomorrow. Right next to each other so she can find them. My little brothers outfit is hanging on the rocking chair in front of me, ready for another day of school. all of thse half-done cleaning projects around the house, the ps3 netflix is on pause as my dad left iit that way.....tryin to ball my eys out quietly so i dont wake up anyone. And now all my family is in bed, just awaiting another miserable terrible day. ANd thats where i snapped. It doesnt have to be terrible!!

the thing that hit me was my sudden fantasy that just popped into my head that, what if for some reason we were all taken away all at once, and then made it back home after 6 years of some kind of difficult apocalyptic adventure. When we get home, we are all older and more matured, and we would see my brosn clothes on the chair still there for the school day. Or my moms shoes would still be in that place for her to find tommorow, but those things now had absolutely no significance, us being older, bigger, and wiser.

It just hit me so fucking terribly hard, that we dont realize that the life we are living now is so mundane and horrible. Horrible because we dont know any better and are bound to do them, when we dont even want to

Another thing in whatever thatis making me cry is how today where just gonna do whatever, and be miserable hoping tommorows better which it isnt, and how we all blatantly ignore the importance of being together as a family and how fucking lucky we are to have eachother. I feel so bad for them, and i cant do anything about it........:crying:

I feel bad that i havent told my family members (most of them) how amazing they are, and i would hope so bad that they believed me. They all have these shitty anxiety disorders caused by petty social type problems. I have been into a lot of spirituality Jesus Buddha ego death type teaching lately, so thats why the shoes and the outfit on the chair carry so much emotional weight on them, while i am sitting here in the now, observing them and everything.

We should be having fun making friends, getting rid of the socially constructed selves we have setup for us, they ruin our lives, and stip us of happiness.

This is incredible. I haven't cried in at least 8 years. im 20 now. I took a xanax a few hours ago, and just made me tired, and like it usually does, takes away all of the anxiety, and lets me loose from my defense mechanisms for a while. Its like the Fi in me overpowered that Ti....maybe.......very amazing thing to have happened to me.

I just wish i could get rid of all of that anxiety all the time, so i could become the real me...this isnt even a sad cry really, more of a.......its like my conscious awareness took a step back from the quickly flowing river of society, and observed the river as something so horrible, yet so incredibly beautiful. I wish i could help my family see that, but i cant, and i feel so sorry for that.

Gonna have some weird fuckin dreams tonight, that's for sure. I cant wait. Thanks.....I had a SUPERCHARGED Fi there for a second.....interesting how these traits balance and fluctuate
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Xaxna is now code name for "cry" ;P
Good idea.......hmmmm....it could be a slang term that you would see on urban dictionary, for taking xanax and sitting alone and crying about deep philosophies of life .....

"Fuck bro, lifes been gettin me down. I think its time for another xaxna"

"you down for a xaxna my ******? I cant talk about dis shit without feelin like a puss"
 

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For some reason, I sobbed intensely at the end of Phantom of the Opera the other day.

Now I feel absolutely ridiculous. But if I were to watch the movie again, I'd probably cry again. What's wrong with me?
 

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Warhorse kind of made me almost cry.
 

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I actually cried three tears today. It's the first time I've cried in a long time, even though I've been wanting to. I had a huge fight with my mother like two months ago and she basically told me after I'm done with AmeriCorps (which I finished this past Friday), I'm not welcome in her house anymore. Didn't even really get sad over that, let alone cry.

Then when I had to pack up all my stuff at my AmeriCorps job and say goodbye to the people I've lived and worked with the past two years and who have become some of the best friends I've ever had, I really wanted to cry. I got lightheaded and sick to my stomach and my friend told me it was because I was repressing my emotions. I even tried to cry, but it didn't come out...

Then today my dad was texting me about how he's arguing with my cousin about what room I'm going to live in when I get back tomorrow (I'm moving in with my dad, my aunt and my cousin) and how my aunt said she doesn't want her house to become a "flophouse" and I actually started tearing up at the thought that they don't want me there and how there's nowhere in the world I'm wanted right now. Three tears leaked out and then I got sick to my stomach again. And that's apparently what it takes to get me to cry-- being wanted nowhere and by no one in the world. Fascinating.
 
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What's with other NTs finding it difficult to cry? I often cry during movies.
 
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