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Discussion Starter #1
This is crazy, and the title sounds like it's written by a moron. I am, indeed.

Long story short, I'm currently on a probation date with an INTJ guy; thankfully he's type 7 on Enneagram, meanwhile I'm 5w6. We both have our own histories, the unpleasant ones; and that's that.
I like him, and I made it clear to him.
He responded in the same manner.
Had our kiss, it was fine, started to feel some spark.
Then it died.
I still like him. He does too.
Yet, no one proposes 'Hey would you be my girl/boyfriend?' [it's how we do it , in where I live; so it's kinda expected to be done, at some point]. He warned me before not to propose him ever because he will run for the hills. He needs to take it slow to observe - I kinda believe him, judging to the facts I found here and there abt INTJ guys on dating.

This drives me crazy.You know how it goes, the over-analyzing,over-thinking , that little prick inside my brain starts to draw a diagram, inserts facts and numbers here and there and says: 'Okay, stop. This is NOT going to work'.
And biggest problem is, I know he does the same thing.

My question: I like him, geez. What do I do?
Right now I'm on my withdrawal mode.
Well.I think he is too.
 

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If you like each other-and you know it-then just do the asking. Someone has to. If he gets freaked out, then that's not your fault because his signals weren't clear. Waiting around for him to make the move when you're pretty sure he's in "withdraw mode" will get nothing accomplished.
 

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To hell with him. Find someone willing and able to burn you down...so to speak. He sounds like a dud to me.

Ugh, sorry. Classic INTJ right there. Blunt and insulting. [Rephrase]...If you really are that fond of him, then keep chasing him, which is what you'll do anyway. I've just been in enough relationships to know that having to pussyfoot around someone's very precious ego and sensibilities for an extended period of time (by my standards, six-months to a year) doesn't augur well.... Take that how you will.

Best of luck to you in your hunt for love.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
@Not Sure ~ i talked to his best friend; the one who initiated to hook us up and she told me that it sounds very much like him. she told me he takes that long -months, even- to be clear with his own feeling : 'ok i think im going to date this girl'.


The random texts gone, and I suddenly realize that if we actually date someday, it's going to be me who keep on chasing him.
And I dislike that.

I like him, he's just too good too miss. Not everyday I meet a guy like this. On paper he's perfect, the kind of guy that I look for. But really,maybe what I need is an ENFP who makes me go all crazy and stop being so logical.
 

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Do you see yourself being with this person for a while if one of you decides to take the initiative and if you and him start dating?
Do you think that by dating him, you could be missing out on other guys?

I wouldn't say that dating someone that you no longer feel any sparks with is a waste of time, but if there has to be some form of passion involved in both sides in order to make it work for a longer period of time. And of course, dating someone whose brain functions in a similar manner to you has its perks and drawbacks. It is up to you to determine if the drawbacks of dating someone similar to you are worth it. When it comes to guys and dating, I find someone I can see eye to eye with and can communicate with without any issues.
My advice may not be the greatest and I'm certainly not the most experienced in dating, but I see that the main problem is communication. Give a little more time to see if anything changes or if he makes a move. If nothing happens, try to talk it out with him. It may be uncomfortable, but obtaining more information from him about his views on dating and what he thinks about you will certainly be beneficial. If he is still in withdrawal mode and doesn't want to hold a calm, level-headed discussion, then maybe it won't do any harm to look around for anyone else who will be more eager to have you.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Do you see yourself being with this person for a while if one of you decides to take the initiative and if you and him start dating?
No. Mainly because I've grown skeptical about anyone or anything, especially relationship.


Do you think that by dating him, you could be missing out on other guys?
Could be, could be not. I barely have spare time to have an actual social life.

When it comes to guys and dating, I find someone I can see eye to eye with and can communicate with without any issues.
This is exactly my thought when I decided to give him another shot after 2 first meet-ups [that ended up in mutual friendzoning] .


My advice may not be the greatest and I'm certainly not the most experienced in dating, but I see that the main problem is communication. Give a little more time to see if anything changes or if he makes a move. If nothing happens, try to talk it out with him. It may be uncomfortable, but obtaining more information from him about his views on dating and what he thinks about you will certainly be beneficial. If he is still in withdrawal mode and doesn't want to hold a calm, level-headed discussion, then maybe it won't do any harm to look around for anyone else who will be more eager to have you.
and I thank you for you taking a bit of your time to reply my thread.
i think our communication is good; everything is out in the open, no running around the bushes.both parties are being poignant, straight to the point, and give the answer in the same way.
he's calm; we are. it's just..no connection beside the intellectual area.

come to think of it, this brings me to the evolutionary point of view.
disregard the gender or reversed sex role; the picky one is the one who invests more in the relationship/mating. so this means he is the one who's going to invest more. and that makes me ..the player?
from that, i think about the evolutionary traits that exclusively belongs to female Homo sapiens : wait and see, wait for the best potential then chose him.
I start to see that i'm acting/feeling like this because i have no other option. maybe i should open my eyes wider in the dating pond.
 

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I once dated an INTJ guy and this reminds me so much of what happened bfore we actually got together, this whole, both of us knowing we liked the other, both of us hinting we liked the other, but neither of us DOING anything about it.

I can't even explain how we got together because it was kind of messy. I kind of made a move on him, someone saw us and assumed we were together, I then made him come have a walk with me, and during that walk he asked me on a date.

We were 18 at the time.
 

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I think you should talk to him openly and honestly... not asking him out or to be your boyfriend, just to put your feelings on the table.

It's easier to go away and process stuff if you know what the other person is thinking, or at least a little bit of it.
 

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Talk to him, express what you're feeling and thinking including what you've said here about not wanting to be chasing him. You may scare him off, but if you look at the risks and rewards I think it is worth the risk. Worst case you scare him off which if you do nothing this probably isn't going anywhere either, best case you guys hit it off. If you guys can't talk openly and honestly to each other then I don't see it working long term.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
thank you everyone for replying this thread.

I think you should talk to him openly and honestly... not asking him out or to be your boyfriend, just to put your feelings on the table.

It's easier to go away and process stuff if you know what the other person is thinking, or at least a little bit of it.
checked.alread did.
and since we operate in the same way, i kinda know what he thinks.still sucks tho. the situation i mean, not your kind post :)


Talk to him, express what you're feeling and thinking including what you've said here about not wanting to be chasing him. You may scare him off, but if you look at the risks and rewards I think it is worth the risk. Worst case you scare him off which if you do nothing this probably isn't going anywhere either, best case you guys hit it off. If you guys can't talk openly and honestly to each other then I don't see it working long term.
talked = did it few days ago.
expressed what i feel towards him = ditto.
said that i dont want to chase him around = ditto,

his response : we're going to work on this in a certain time frame, if there's no improvement whatsoever, we'll call it off.
me : *quietly* but i dont want to call it off!

result : a week ago it was probation date, tomorrow it's a date [term we both agreed].

wish me luck.
:ninja:
 

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his response : we're going to work on this in a certain time frame, if there's no improvement whatsoever, we'll call it off.
me : *quietly* but i dont want to call it off!

result : a week ago it was probation date, tomorrow it's a date [term we both agreed].

wish me luck.
:ninja:
Good luck :). Have to chuckle a little at the probation to real date thing, sounds like he was trying to give himself an easy out if you weren't interested.

I am curious about his reply of if there is no improvement we'll call it off though. What improvement is he referring to? Might be another conversation to have. Be very careful around this with an INTJ, we can try to improve things that don't necessarily need improving in a relationship, that can get a little tiring after awhile for many people.

Good article.
https://www.personalitypage.com/html/INTJ_rel.html
 

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Discussion Starter #14
TL;DR

Good luck :). Have to chuckle a little at the probation to real date thing, sounds like he was trying to give himself an easy out if you weren't interested.
actually the term is agreed by both of us.
we didn't get that initial attraction even after the second meet up [blind date, i agreed to see him because my friend -who also his best friend- hooked us up.

the reason why i considered & then decided to give this a chance -despite the unexpected side effect : i turn out to like him- is i think we could be great together. dating is never easy for me, especially because i dont conform to the 'normal values for women' here where i live, a third world country. guys prefer the [excuse the expression] dumber, more docile, religious woman; in which i'm not.

on paper, we both find what we want & need from a partner in each other.
we agreed the 'probation' prefix because i also think that since we shared no initial attraction and then we had the mutual friendzoning; i also feel that we kinda need to proceed carefully. the prefix holds me on a short leash ; keeps me from being touchy feely [well, he's not a flashy head turner, but who wont fall for a brainiac with tats and piercings, who also speaks Latin and Russia?].

so it sucks for me because i agreed to proceed carefully, but now i like him a lot. and i wish i can hijack my amygdala now.



I am curious about his reply of if there is no improvement we'll call it off though. What improvement is he referring to? Might be another conversation to have. Be very careful around this with an INTJ, we can try to improve things that don't necessarily need improving in a relationship, that can get a little tiring after awhile for many people.

Good article.
https://www.personalitypage.com/html/INTJ_rel.html
i believe he was referring to :
1. butterflies in his stomach
in this case i can't confirm or verify anything whether he has it or will have it.

2. the emotional attachment
i think we both invest in this. we talk everyday, keep the communication lines open.


Today's date will be my evaluation point; if i think & feel that he doesn't want to make further move , I will close the book and just bury myself under my work.

thanks @bluekitdon for the good luck wish :happy:


*** damn, make your move, #### ! man up and ask me to seriously date you already!sheesh!
 

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This reminds me...
I made the first move (well, first physical move, I guess) on my INTJ, though he was thinking about it, and giving me "the vibes" the whole time.
Weird. Do others always initiate physical contact with INTJs first, or is it a case to case basis?
 

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No. Mainly because I've grown skeptical about anyone or anything, especially relationship.



Could be, could be not. I barely have spare time to have an actual social life.
Hmm, that hasn't happened to me yet. Maybe I'm just naive or too idealistic. But I do understand the hesitance to put forth trust in another person...that is something that I have only gotten used to recently.

Right there with you. The convenient and possibly least time consuming option would be to try online dating. But that can get weird (and sometimes creepy) and from my experience, it was hard to find guys on those online dating sites interested in me that had an intellectual side.


This is exactly my thought when I decided to give him another shot after 2 first meet-ups [that ended up in mutual friendzoning] .



and I thank you for you taking a bit of your time to reply my thread.
i think our communication is good; everything is out in the open, no running around the bushes.both parties are being poignant, straight to the point, and give the answer in the same way.
he's calm; we are. it's just..no connection beside the intellectual area.

come to think of it, this brings me to the evolutionary point of view.
disregard the gender or reversed sex role; the picky one is the one who invests more in the relationship/mating. so this means he is the one who's going to invest more. and that makes me ..the player?
from that, i think about the evolutionary traits that exclusively belongs to female Homo sapiens : wait and see, wait for the best potential then chose him.
I start to see that i'm acting/feeling like this because i have no other option. maybe i should open my eyes wider in the dating pond.
Well that's a bit disappointing.

And no problem. What you have just described sounds like the type of relationship I have with my boyfriend right now (who also happens to be an INTJ). The way we handle communicating with each other is pretty much ideal. But if there is no connection you have with this guy aside from the intellectual arena, then wouldn't you eventually get bored of him? Not to say that there is the possibility of forming a connection later down the road as you get to know your SO a bit more and share memories together. But if there is no spark or initiative in a relationship due to a lack of passion/sense of connection, then consider what you value most in a potential date. Would you choose someone you only intellectually click with as opposed to someone else you could click with in other manners?

That totally describes the behavior of species in the animal kingdom.....and myself. I am way too passive/shy to really pursue someone and show off that I am the "better" mate..

It does sound like you are trying to rationalize your reasons for still trying to date him. But regardless of your rationale, just remember that there is no urgency in dating anyone.
 

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Its a little difficult to give advice to an INTJ seeking INTJ, but i have to ask: why are you interested in continuing on to a serious relationship with this guy if the spark is already gone? Are you feeling social pressure to continue dating or marry him? Ive heard that arranged marriage are common in parts of Indonesia.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Right there with you. The convenient and possibly least time consuming option would be to try online dating. But that can get weird (and sometimes creepy) and from my experience, it was hard to find guys on those online dating sites interested in me that had an intellectual side.
been there done that too.
there are always something wrong with them.at least in my case. apology for the generalization.

But if there is no connection you have with this guy aside from the intellectual arena, then wouldn't you eventually get bored of him?
i actually like him, physically, and personally. it grows.not initially, but it grows.
and i learned that attraction/chemistry is all BS. it fades away.

Not to say that there is the possibility of forming a connection later down the road as you get to know your SO a bit more and share memories together. But if there is no spark or initiative in a relationship due to a lack of passion/sense of connection, then consider what you value most in a potential date. Would you choose someone you only intellectually click with as opposed to someone else you could click with in other manners?
I can re-do our 1st meet up actually. If it wasn't in broad daylight but dimly lit cafe and i wore red clothes and some musky perfume or rose or jasmine, and if he just didnt wear all of his earrings and wearing at least a pair of sneakers instead of slippers, i bet there would be an initial 'chemistry'.

and as we actually communicate ,intensely, the connection also grows.
and yes, i would choose someone i intellectually click with. i learned it the hard way.


It does sound like you are trying to rationalize your reasons for still trying to date him. But regardless of your rationale, just remember that there is no urgency in dating anyone.
there is no urgency. i never thought i would feel like this towards him, honestly.

Its a little difficult to give advice to an INTJ seeking INTJ, but i have to ask: why are you interested in continuing on to a serious relationship with this guy if the spark is already gone? Are you feeling social pressure to continue dating or marry him? Ive heard that arranged marriage are common in parts of Indonesia.
well, we went for a date today, and actually today was great.
lots of touches and stuff and we start to open up more. tempted to do some crazy stuff -his initiative but i turned him down. i gotta work tonight ; deadline. and tomorrow he has to teach classes for the whole day so we move the 'lets get crazy in love' plan to this weekend.

why am i interested to have a serious relationship with him? because i like him after all those logical consideration. i dont know,i feel like i only can allow my heart to feel something after all the rational part of me gives an 'Okay' card.
oh the spark is back, apparently all we need is more time together.

nope, no social pressure at all; at least in my circle.
yes arranged marriage is still common here. but not in our social environment.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
This reminds me...
I made the first move (well, first physical move, I guess) on my INTJ, though he was thinking about it, and giving me "the vibes" the whole time.
Weird. Do others always initiate physical contact with INTJs first, or is it a case to case basis?
in my case, which both of us are INTJs, i initiated it.
someone's gotta do the manual labor, eh.
 

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Sounds promising. The initial spark is very nice, but if that's all there is then like you said it doesn't tend to work out too well unless everything else that is important fits. That's why I had a list of must haves and nice to haves back when I was dating, lol.

Many successful relationships start out like yours and the attraction grows over time. Sparks come and go in a long term relationship, successful ones will have many fires over the years along with some down times.

Interesting article.
Can you learn to love anyone? « Psychologies
 
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