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I feel like such a fake.
My mental illness is such a fake construct. It's my life. Really. Being mentally ill is my prefered why of living. I don't want to live a normal life, going to the office 8 hours a day. I would hate it so much, I'd rather die. Honestly.

But living like this feels so fake. Some people have no control over their emotions, action or have 0 self awareness and then there is ne. Aware of what I'm doing, but seeing no alternative. I'm rejecting life as it is. Denying life as it is. No one can help me like that. That's why 10 years of therapy are for nothing.

I'd rather live on the street as an alcoholic than work like other people. This lifeless, dull, numb working is my greatest fear in life. I can not find anything with meaning that I like.

Either there are mean people, stress, dull work, capitalism. Yes. I'm whining about life not being perfect. Still having hope. I need to get rid of hope.
 

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...

I'd rather live on the street as an alcoholic than work like other people. This lifeless, dull, numb working is my greatest fear in life. I can not find anything with meaning that I like.

...
IDK, this sounds like a potential symptom of a mental disorder to me.

I don't know you or your story, but I'm reminded of a recurring thing for me when I really, really don't want to go to work, so I call in sick. So I feel guilty/excited that I'm play hooky, then I think about what I want to do with my time and it turns out that I feel like shit but didn't consciously note it and just want to nap. The mind is weird.
 

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IDK, this sounds like a potential symptom of a mental disorder to me.

I don't know you or your story, but I'm reminded of a recurring thing for me when I really, really don't want to go to work, so I call in sick. So I feel guilty/excited that I'm play hooky, then I think about what I want to do with my time and it turns out that I feel like shit but didn't consciously note it and just want to nap. The mind is weird.
Yes, my therapist says that that is also pathological.
The mind is very weird! And the mind is trying to understand itself, but it doesn't really seem to work.
 

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Yes, my therapist says that that is also pathological.
The mind is very weird! And the mind is trying to understand itself, but it doesn't really seem to work.
"Mind is trying to understand itself" but never it never seems to come to an end, + anxiety or/and depression added to it, creating more difficulties and misery.
Okay again, THE SAME HAS HAPPENED TO ME!
I believe it is "acceptance" problem, maybe you are not able to accept any truth. And according to what you have described, it seems like you don't want to be seen as a failure and that is the reason that you can't risk working for long hours. Because if you did, and if you didn't achieve, then you will be seen as a failure. <-- that's what I interpreted from what is written.
And if you are faking something then that means that you don't want to do that but you are still bound to do that (bound by yourself, by your own mind, by your own fears or decision). That was the case with me.
Hope it helps!
 

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"Mind is trying to understand itself" but never it never seems to come to an end, + anxiety or/and depression added to it, creating more difficulties and misery.
Okay again, THE SAME HAS HAPPENED TO ME!
I believe it is "acceptance" problem, maybe you are not able to accept any truth. And according to what you have described, it seems like you don't want to be seen as a failure and that is the reason that you can't risk working for long hours. Because if you did, and if you didn't achieve, then you will be seen as a failure. <-- that's what I interpreted from what is written.
And if you are faking something then that means that you don't want to do that but you are still bound to do that (bound by yourself, by your own mind, by your own fears or decision). That was the case with me.
Hope it helps!
That could be true. But whenever I try to actively go against those believes (start a work, university, training,...) I start to sabotage myself in ways that are so sneaky to me that I don't notice it. I'm not even sure if I really sabotage myself or if I just didn't find the right thing yet. But what is the "right thing" anyways. I don't know. It gets so complicated, I can't figure it out.
And if I just accept and follow the moment then all I quit was right to quit, because that's what my body and mind wanted to do.

Interesting enough I managed to complete a higher education like 4 years ago. Before that I followed a pattern of start and quit, too. I literally went to a forest to cut myself instead of going to school, lol.......
But then I made it work, some how. I want that again.
 

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My little brother has been homeless/itinerant for something like 15 years, he crashed on people's couches, did some farm work occasionally, and was pretty much a full on hippie. He did a lot of cool shit, but also had a lot of bad shit that goes with being homeless. He still is a full on hippie, but recently he's decided to try to settle in and get a job. I wouldn't say he had any strong mental disorders. But the difference is that never thought he had to do all this school/work stuff. Maybe you aren't doing what you want to do, maybe you were never given a chance to decide what you want?
 

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That could be true. But whenever I try to actively go against those believes (start a work, university, training,...) I start to sabotage myself in ways that are so sneaky to me that I don't notice it. I'm not even sure if I really sabotage myself or if I just didn't find the right thing yet. But what is the "right thing" anyways. I don't know. It gets so complicated, I can't figure it out.
And if I just accept and follow the moment then all I quit was right to quit, because that's what my body and mind wanted to do.

Interesting enough I managed to complete a higher education like 4 years ago. Before that I followed a pattern of start and quit, too. I literally went to a forest to cut myself instead of going to school, lol.......
But then I made it work, some how. I want that again.
1. What's your greatest fear?
2. What do you try to run from? Why did you avoid school and why do you avoid a work lifestyle?
3. Which scenario in life, you can't tolerate?
4. What are you expecting from yourself?
5. What do you want others to think about you?

^ some questions you may consider.

But now my interpretation... What it seemed like from previous post also, it seems like you want to be popular, you want to be known, but you don't want to be bad, but you can't control yourself because you badly want to be popular at all costs. Maybe you aren't unable to prioritize between things well.
^ these are just rough guesses because I don't really know what you are exactly suffering. But I am sure that its some kind of fear and anxiety. They make us think in irrational ways, take irrational paths. Fear won't let you move ahead in life. MAKE THIS THING CLEAR!!! THAT FEAR WON'T LET YOU MOVE AHEAD IN LIFE
You have to take the risk, and face it.

Often I have noticed, that our minds work in pattern of loops. Suppose I had a negative thought and started thinking negatively about myself ---> then I will myself start fearing and thinking that "I am not correct and I might do something wrong" ---> so I will avoid taking risks---> And when I avoid risks, then I also lose the opportunity to succeed---> And this experience again gives me a proof that "hey, you didn't take that risk, you didn't do that, which means that you might be an incapable person" --> which derives that "yes I am an incapable and wrong person".
^ that's too wierd, I know, but what I am trying to tell is that these are loops, in which if we are stuck, then we stay stuck till the time there's a real need from some outside force to change them!

Remember, Our decisions create our future, and our decisions are an outcome of our thoughts. Its very difficult to change our pattern of thoughts, not everyone is able to do it.
 

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I had a therapy appointment today after like half a year and I'm much more relaxed now!

1) I haven't found what's right for me yet
2) The state doesn't want me to work.

So there is no reason to stress out about it.

I will use the time of not having to work to:
1) Relax and care for my health
2) use, find and try around with my creativity
3) look for nice part-time or minijobs
3) search around for different ways to earn money

Because we came to the conclusion that it's just very, very difficult for me to work a regular 8 hour job. I have heavy mood shifts and for 2 weeks or a month I can work really well, 8 hours a day and then the next month I'm more depressed, very low energy and low ressources. So when there are coworkers, structures and a boss in the background who want you to be very productive, every day, smile all day and always the same hours and me having no control, that's almost impossible for me. It makes me break down after some time.

So yea, I'll see.
 

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Also: after that I had a session with my other therapist (funny! I didn't have therapy for months and then twice on a single day) and we talked about my initial post. Me getting and living that role of a mentally ill person. It's a way to escape life. To be weak. So others help me and support me. So I don't have to life scary and rough life.
Example: when I quit my last training, instead of quitting and finding another job to support myself like a grown up would have to do, I resorted to doing a lot of drugs to be really sick, so that I could quit for mental health reasons and get money for that reason. It's a game I play. My therapist knows that.
So It's on me to decide: do I want to be a grown up or a mentally ill person? It's my decision and one isn't better than the other. But playing a mentally ill person has a lot of things I don't like. It's just so safe. I'm also proud to be so concious of that, at least. That was very difficult to admit and to see. It's a kinda embarassing underlying reason for my mental illness, although not uncommon.

Btw: is there a Enneagram type for this??

This is literally the theme running through my life. Role-playing weak/sick to hide from life. Driving myself crazy. Because life is too much. Too scary. Too difficult.
 

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I feel like such a fake.
My mental illness is such a fake construct. It's my life. Really. Being mentally ill is my prefered why of living. I don't want to live a normal life, going to the office 8 hours a day. I would hate it so much, I'd rather die. Honestly.

But living like this feels so fake. Some people have no control over their emotions, action or have 0 self awareness and then there is ne. Aware of what I'm doing, but seeing no alternative. I'm rejecting life as it is. Denying life as it is. No one can help me like that. That's why 10 years of therapy are for nothing.

I'd rather live on the street as an alcoholic than work like other people. This lifeless, dull, numb working is my greatest fear in life. I can not find anything with meaning that I like.

Either there are mean people, stress, dull work, capitalism. Yes. I'm whining about life not being perfect. Still having hope. I need to get rid of hope.
I can understand why you would want to live that way, it's way more confortable than otherwise. I also understand why you feel like such a fake, you feel like a fraud because it's not really you. But there is a question here: if you really have a mental illness and like that way then you shouldn't feel like a fraud, just because you enjoy it it doesn't mean it's fake, if you don't have a mental illness and are faking it to get out of a job then it's okay to feel like a fake and you should probably stop being a fake and take responsability by trying to get a job and earn some money for yourself.

Personally, I don't think you are faking it, I think you clearly have some problems, otherwise you wouldn't feel like that. I also saw your other posts and tried to give you an answer, which is why I don't believe that life is rainbows and sunshine for you and that you are faking it.

You don't need to get rid of hope, you need to figure out life and how to work with it, life is not perfect and we didn't get instructions how to live life, but it is enjoyable and if you get to live it properly and experience good moments in life, then you will see that life is worth living. Be a person with common sense, people appreciate it, but also with a spine, so the minority of ill-intended people can't make your life hell. Try to adapt and become the kind of person that people appreciate. Think about the consequences of your actions, including this action you are doing right now. Seek moments, memories, friends.

Be yourself, the default version that you can be without any effort, but in the limit of common sense. Be an open but decent person. Don't make fun of other people so they will feel bad, respect people, make them feel good, people like good sense and appreciate it. If you find people that will answer you in kind, you will treat each other with good sense and feel good, as for the people who won't answer you in kind, leave them be and go forward with your life.

Have a spine, impose respect where it isn't offered to you by virute of having good sense, this means to have dignity and self-respect, to be a strong person, to not allow others to make a fool out of you and treat you with lack of respect and take attitude when necessary. Don't jump to a fight, try to get along, talk nicely and tactfully, be diplomatic. If someone comes to fight you and you have nothing to win from this, not even if you win the fight, best thing avoid the fight.

Seek to make yourself likeable, if you build a house and 50 people say it looks great you feel well, if 50 people say it looks ugly you feel terrible, you can't not care what other people think so best thing to do it learn how to make it good about you, this doesn't mean not to have integrity, values and a spine, but to adapt to other people and be the kind of person other people appreciate, to have good sense, to make jokes and not over react to jokes about you, to make people feel good around you, to support people, to behave properly in different groups and locations.

Think about the consequences of your actions, if you do that you put your own life in perspective, you stop thinking only about the present and you also start thinking about the future, you settle your priorities naturally, so that you can make order in your life. The decisions we make in this moment, right now, change our lives, if right now I do something, after an hour I do something else and after a day and a week I do something else based on what I did right now, being aware of this fact allows you to motivate yourself and make better and more responsable decisions because now you have the consequences in mind.
 

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I believe I legit have a mental illness, and that makes it impossible for me to work for a living. Furthermore I found even working part time makes me a miserable person. I'm also no good at it. I could also get punished for making too much money by getting benefits taken away. So why would I even wanna work? I collect disability and also live off a trust account I inherited, and I don't work. I seriously can't see doing things any other way. Anyone who has a problem with me because of it, well .l.. There's the sign as far as I'm concerned.
 

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I have a new job now, I'm delivering newspapers. And I have a job interview for starting to learn how to work in a laboratory full-time next week.

My sister visited and we had a long talk about my issues with jobs. She kicked me in the ass a bit.

But yea, some people just can't work or don't want to, that's fine. I want to try again.
 
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