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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Right. So, though the title of this thread may be hyperbolic, I'm no stranger to Enneagram threads. Why, though? Is it perhaps that I have a less accurate sense of self than I think I do? Is it because the Enneagram is a fundamentally flawed system? Is it because I second guess myself? Up to you to decide, I suppose.

This thread is a bit different from my other ones. I have a very powerful tendency to be exceedingly cautious -- double-check everything I write so it won't be misconstrued, delete things that seem too personal or revealing, paint myself in a more desirable light than I actually see myself in. This thread, however, is intentionally very stream-of-conscious as I want to provide the most accurate sense of myself possible for you, the typer.

Prerequisites


What age range are you in?
I'm at that sweet spot right between late adolescence and young adulthood where I feel like an overgrown baby/a sheep in wolf's clothing.

Any disorders or conditions we should know about?
I'm actually really pretty fucked in the head. At this point I've only been formally diagnosed with ADHD. My therapist is almost certain I have PTSD along with another anxiety disorder that she hasn't decided on yet (my money is on OCD and maybe SAD). I strongly suspect I have DPDR disorder, but my therapist hasn't diagnosed me with it because she's not sure if it's a standalone disorder or a symptom of something else I suffer from. A personality disorder or mood disorder is fairly likely as well, but no official word on that yet. I also have pretty dramatic anger issues and will occasionally have a build-up of violent rage, though I've learned to suppress it after unleashing hell on everyone I knew as a child. And I've got misophonia, which adds to my rage in social situations.


Main Questions

1. What do you think your life is about? What drives you in life? This can be something like a goal or a purpose, or anything else that comes to mind.
I'm not entirely sure, because sometimes the future is exciting and full of prospects and other times it seems bleak and pointless. I suppose I'm still around at this point because I have so much left that I want to do and see, but I'm an existentialist by nature, as well.
I like to think that there's some sort of higher power -- not necessarily a god/deity, but some uncontrollable force, like fate or karma -- and that it will lead me towards true happiness. The rational part of my mind contradicts that though, and brands me foolish for even entertaining those beliefs. The anxious part of my mind worries that there is no purpose whatsoever and that I'll end up working a monotonous 9-5 office job and dealing with the daily drudgery of life, never actually achieving anything significant, becoming nothing but a number but a system, never remembered or revered after my death.
...So, for now, fuck if I know. I'll figure it out eventually.

2. What were you like as a kid?
Both exactly like and nothing like who I am now. Infinitely curious, which is a trait I still possess; naive, which I would hate to think of myself as now (if you couldn't tell, I'm quite the cynic); demanding, which I definitely still am.

3. Describe your relationship with your parents. Does anything stand out about the way you interacted?
My relationship with my dad is currently quite good. I look up to him and respect him a lot as a father, a scholar, and an all around individual. We're actually very close and I tell him the majority of things that happen in my life.
As far as I'm concerned, I don't have a mother.

4. What values are important to you? What do you hope to avoid doing or being?
Intelligence, independence, strong will, hard work, accomplishment, individuality, critical thinking, sensitivity to art. I want to avoid being, as I said, just a forgettable number in the system. I don't like feeling forgettable -- even when someone mistakes me for someone else, I can't help but feel a bit offended, because I think of myself as so fundamentally strange that I can't imagine anyone would confuse me for another person. So I really hope that I never end up a (forgive me) "lemming". Gah.

5. Aside from phobias, are there any fears that characterized your childhood? Have they continued into the present day, or not, and if not, how have you dealt with them?
Fear itself characterized my childhood, and though I'm still an anxious person today, I've got much better coping strategies. I still struggle from a lot of anxiety...social anxiety is very prevalent for me, and a general sense of unease a lot of the time, though it's not nearly as pervasive as it used to be.

6. a.) How do you see yourself?
My sense of self is...complex, to say the least. At my core, I feel like I am irreparably an outcast. One lyric automatically comes to mind that I relate to very strongly, from the song "Bâtard" by Stromae -- "Ni l'un ni l'autre, bâtard tu es, tu l'étais, tu le restes". "Neither one nor the other -- you're a bastard, you always have been, and you shall remain". My entire life, I've always felt like I could not be categorized, which is extremely ironic for someone like me, someone who is relentlessly categorizing and sorting everything, everyone, because the world is easier if it's compartmentalized. However, with me, it's difficult for me to draw a clean, definite line between two categories. From my earliest days, I knew I wasn't like other kids. I was biracial, with a black mother and a white father. I wasn't like the other kids, I was darker, but the other darker kids weren't like me either (they were Asian, or Hispanic, or fully black). I had to check "Other" on forms that asked for my race. When I hit puberty, I realized that I was bisexual, and that I was too queer to fit in with my straight friends who just wanted to talk about boys, but still a breeder in the eyes of some of the gay kids I knew.
In short, I have always been the "Other", and perhaps I always will be.

b.) How do you want others to see you?
The thing is, I've always wanted other people to envy me, and I've always set goals for myself that I think will make other people envy me...but when I reach those goals, I don't feel like anyone looks up to me at all, and I'm always very surprised when people tell me that they admire me, or find me funny, interesting, attractive, et cetera...I think I've got such low self-esteem that I'm incapable of believing anyone could possibly genuinely like me. On the other hand, I have a massively inflated ego and am somewhat starved for attention and compliments. I want to be the best at everything I'm interested in, and when I don't get complimented on my performance, appearance, intelligence, and so on, I feel inadequate, but when I do get complimented I don't believe it. I'm just full of contradictions, eh?
I suppose I've always wanted someone to look at me the way I look at people I admire. For someone to think I'm beautiful, that my flaws are charming, and that I'm an accomplished individual worth looking up to. I've always felt a connection to celebrities that are successful and "cool" to the general populace, but when interviewed, present themselves as shy, disconnected, esoteric people.

c.) What do you dislike the most in other people?
Ugh, to be honest, I become more of a misanthrope day by day. I'm quite hard to please. I dislike people who are foolish, willfully ignorant, dishonest, attention-whoring, bigoted, rude, extremist, the list goes on. I actually find it very difficult to sustain relationships with other people because I get so sick of other people's shit. My favorite phase of friendship is when you're close enough to speak freely and joke around with someone, but not so close that you see all of their hideous habits, because most people prove themselves to be quite unpleasant when you spend too much time around them and it's often extremely disappointing.

7. Which habit do you most automatically act on? Rank the following habits from most to least automatic, on a scale of 1 (most) to 3 (least).
a.) Work for personal gain with more concern for self than for others. 1
b.) Strive for a sense of tranquility in yourself and the world around you 3
c.) Decide what is right for the betterment of something or someone else. 2

8. Where does the wandering mind take you? What provokes this?
Fantasy is my most persistent lover. (Anxiety is my mistress, always there to lead me astray.)
I like to think about being anyone but myself. Ever since I was a kid, I've ruminated on "stories" I would tell myself, little daydreams about my ideal life, except even in my ideal life, I'm still flawed and human.

9.What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?
I feel my best, the most myself, when I can completely immerse myself in art. Whether I'm performing in front of a sold out audience, or arranging a new composition of a song I like, or shutting out the world with my headphones in, or spending hours at a time completely submerged in the story of a novel. It's bittersweet, though, that the state that feels the most like 'me' is...melancholy, like there's a well of depth and sadness built up inside me that leads me to wisdom and art. I cherish the times when I can access that state, sad as it may be.
I feel my worst...when small things in my life build up and the dam bursts. It happens relatively often. I'm fine one second, and then something sets me off -- and I'm awake at 2:30 AM, clutching my blankets, sobbing about how I'm never really going to find true happiness. And it can really be anything, it's very unpredictable; many times I take criticisms and conflicts in stride, but sometimes the smallest thing can set me off for hours. And then I wake up in the morning with tear tracks on my skin, feeling very empty and foolish.


10.
Let's talk about emotions. Explain what might make you feel the following, how they feel to you or how you react to the emotion:
a.) anger
I have a complicated relationship with anger. Typical anger leaves me feeling a bit hurt, and for some god awful reason my body's natural response to it is to make me start crying, which makes me look like a gigantic wimp. As I indicated earlier in the survey, I have occasionally explosive anger that I generally bottle up and try to diffuse by complaining to other people, but it can get very violent. This anger usually pops up when I feel personally slighted or attacked by someone, or when they hit a sore spot, but it's actually really unpredictable for me. I can't tell when it's coming on, except that it's less likely to occur when I'm having a fight with a friend and more likely when I'm dealing with an acquaintance or stranger. It manifests in an almost visceral fury where I get an overwhelming urge to harm the person who made me angry, to throw things at them, harm them physically, etc. - it even produces a physical response at times, where my heart rate will speed up and I'll start breathing heavily and tensing up. I've even had dreams about attacking or even killing people who I strongly dislike.

I can get angry on other people's behalves, too, though. I have a pretty strong belief system, I lean pretty far to the left on the political spectrum and while I'm not a fan of radicals on either side (horseshoe theory and all that), I get very irked by devoted conservatives, especially when it comes to egalitarianism. I think morals are flexible, but egalitarianism -- not at all. I will fight very persistently when it comes to the rights of marginalized groups and people who face double standards in whatever situation. Everyone should start off with equal footing in society, and their success or failure from that point onward should be a result of their actions, not their race, ethnicity, class, gender, sexuality, appearance - etc.

b.) shame
Shame for me is pretty closely linked to self-hatred, which is pretty clearly something I struggle with. I don't know how much I have to say about this one, but I feel a strong sense of shame when I fail to do something I set my mind to. For me, it's kind of all-or-nothing. If I don't do something I really want to do, I tend to blame myself pretty heavily and just dump on myself -- failure in one area makes me feel like I'm a worthless, inadequate person in all respects.

c.) anxiety
I think I've already talked about this one enough.

11.
Describe how you respond to the following:
a.) stress
Depends. Though I'm a relatively ambiverted person, the most effective way for me to blow off stress is to spend time alone with my own thoughts, limiting interaction to impersonal text conversations or completely cutting myself off and shutting everyone out. Sometimes what I need is to be social to get my mind off it, but being social is difficult and requires a lot of effort (god, how I envy those who are naturally fun and gregarious!) and so that's only something I do occasionally. One party is enough to last me for a few weeks, you know?
I like to immerse myself into something else, though. Preferably music. Music is my "thing", and when I'm stressed out I like to forget my real life problems by focusing on something more 'aesthetic'. So that could be music in itself, or spending my time composing or something along those lines, or it might be watching music videos I like, or reading poetry, or dancing. Something like that.

b.) negative unexpected change
If I can't control it, I have no choice but to deal with it. Such is the way of life. I try to accommodate change as best I can, but I can be somewhat rigid when I get my mind set on something.

c.) conflict
I have a tendency to ruminate on things, so I like to deal with conflict head-on so I can just get it out of the way. I can be aggressive and overbearing, i.e. demanding to talk something through with a friend who's more passive when it comes to conflict. I just hate feeling like there are unresolved issues and I can hold grudges for a very long time if a conflict isn't resolved. Some people think I'm a feeler because I tend to say, "Tell me how you really feel, let's talk it out" a lot when a fight arises, but it's not because I love talking about feelings (I really, really don't care for most other people's feelings), it's because I want to sort things out so they don't bite me in the ass in the future.

12.
a.) What kind of role are you naturally inclined to take in a group? Why?
If I know what I'm doing, I'm comfortable being the leader, but I second guess myself a lot so I work well as a group 'strategist' -- I organize things logically and come up with ideas, someone else executes them. If I'm the only one with expertise in a field, then of course I'm fine taking the lead and will do it without hesitation.

b.) If put in power, how do you behave? Why?
Again, I'm a pretty assertive person, and I'm a very hard worker when it comes to things I prioritize. So when I'm in charge, I like to split up tasks and tackle them efficiently, one by one. When you're a leader, you can't really afford to let other people figure it out themselves, because nothing's going to get done well if you don't take the reigns yourself. There's actually been times when I've let someone else take control of a task and then I've been so displeased with their work that I've redone all of it myself, so I can be a dick in that sense. But in general, I just want to get shit done.

c.) Do you tend to struggle with others who have authority over you? Why?
Sometimes, but not necessarily. If someone is more qualified to have authority, I'm fine with it, as long as there's still mutual respect. If they don't really know what they're doing, it pisses me off because it really messes with actually getting the work done. Of course, I can be a hypocrite in this sense, because when I'm in a group and we have to get something done that I don't particularly care about, I'm very passive and lazy about it and can undermine other people's opinions.

13.
What do you see or notice in others that most people don't?
I think I'm good at recognizing other weirdos, because as a weirdo myself, I can smell others from a mile away. I'm drawn to eccentric people, and while someone might seem unremarkable and innocuous to most people, I can usually tell when they have that special spark that odd and creative people have.

14.
Comment on your relationship with trust.
Trust is complicated. I don't trust anyone fully (myself included), but I'm also not irrationally paranoid or convinced everyone is out to get me. I just don't care for most people, so why would I make a big deal out of trusting them? When trust is relevant, I err on the side of caution, but if it seems logical to trust someone then I'll convince myself to do so.

15. Briefly: What religious and/or political beliefs do you have? Do you think they influenced your responses in this questionnaire?
Already talked about politics a little. Religiously, I'm agnostic with an appreciation for spirituality.

Optional Question (due to personal nature)

Discuss an event that has impacted your life significantly; more importantly, how you responded to it.
When I was 14, I lost everything. My house, my possessions, my mother, my childhood, my dignity - all out the window in under 24 hours. I've never truly recovered and I don't know if I ever will.
"You're so strong," I hear from people with sad, sympathetic looks in their eyes. "You've been through so much and you kept going."
Bullshit. I'm even more fucked up than I was before, and I was pretty fucked up before...now, I'm not even entirely sure who I am. I'm playing everything by ear, trying not to fixate too much on the future because I know I'll drive myself insane if I do. Perhaps this helps me feel content in the daytime...but at night, I wonder how I let myself walk around every day feeling so hollow.

Extra Questions

Which of the following temptations do you find yourself acting upon the most? (And briefly state why)

- To constantly push yourself to be “the best”
Yep, very much relate to this, because I have some sort of complex surrounding needing to be better than everyone else.
- To be without needs, well-intentioned
Well-intentioned? Meh. I'm pretty neutral towards most people unless they give me a reason to like or dislike them. I prefer to be independent than rely on other people when it comes to my needs, but I'm not particularly focused on being without needs.
- To replace direct experience with concepts
This is a tendency I have that I try to fight against. I want to have direct experience in my life, but as I'm a fairly hesitant and reserved person, I often convince myself that just knowing about something is enough and that I don't actually need to go do it.
- To have an extreme sense of personal moral obligation
Not really. Only when it comes to things that I feel strongly about, and it's not so much an "obligation" as it is me having very low tolerance for bigoted/discriminatory people.
- To think that fulfillment is somewhere else
God, yes. I could become the dictator of a continent and I wouldn't be satisfied until I ruled all of the planet, then I wouldn't be satisfied until I ruled the whole galaxy...not the best example, but you get what I mean. I'm always aiming higher and convincing myself that I'm never "good enough" until I achieve things I never thought I could before. And I always feel like I'm missing something that other people have that allows them to be well-adjusted, "normal" people, and that I'll never really be happy because I don't have that thing.
- To cyclically become indecisive and seek others for reassurance
When it comes to certain things (i.e. my Enneagram type, ha), yeah, I agree. I don't consider myself particularly incapable of making decisions, but I do like to get other people's input. I might completely disregard it, but it helps me feel like I have more of a holistic view of a situation if I get other viewpoints, and sometimes I just need someone else to justify my actions.
- To overuse imagination in searching for yourself
Yeah...kind of an obvious one for me. I have a very big imagination, it's kind of a bitch, and it makes it simultaneously easier and harder for me to actually find myself. Full of paradoxes, eh?
- To avoid conflicts and asserting yourself
Yeah, no, not really.
- To consider yourself entirely self-sufficient
No, I'm not afraid to ask for help sometimes, and sometimes I just wish I had someone to take care of me. That being said, I still consider myself to be fairly independent, and I would never want to entirely rely on another person.

Gonna just post this now before I have second thoughts.
 

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Subterranean Homesick Alien
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4w3,4w5 maybe, perhaps, possibly
 
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Subterranean Homesick Alien
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Any ideas on tritype?
In my opinion, and maybe others will see it differently, I would say 1 and 6w5 are possible
 
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Discussion Starter · #5 ·

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
103 views and only 2 people respond (one of them to advertise their site)? Tsk, tsk...you need to step your game up, PerC.
 

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Subterranean Homesick Alien
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Where do you see 1 and 6(w5)?
Hey...Sorry it's taken so long
I wish someone else would reply as I don't know enough to lol. But I'll give some thoughts...

There's something deliberate about you and superego, like there are standards you set for others and for yourself and you know what they are, and they influence how you interact with people and the world, obvious, but that's just the reason I said 1. I wouldn't see 9 especially. I think a 9 fix might be just a bit more willing to accept those things that are wrong or stupid, just a bit more, even if the you as a person see these things and are critical of them. I wouldn't really see 8 either tbh

You definitely have on the surface a particular kind of control over your emotions and a way of stating them as if they just are what you've observed in yourself which seems like it could be both 1 or 5. It was really hard for me to see 7 in you or 5w4, but there might be things getting in the way of that too. You seem generally cynical, critical, and of course misanthropic like you said, which would make you seem the kinda person who doesn't see the possibilities. But you say sometimes you do...If you're depressed right now it could really get in the way
 
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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Hey...Sorry it's taken so long
I wish someone else would reply as I don't know enough to lol. But I'll give some thoughts...
I wish other people would, too, because I want to have several different opinions. But I greatly appreciate you providing yours and following up on it so thank you!
Anyone you might want to mention on this thread?

There's something deliberate about you and superego, like there are standards you set for others and for yourself and you know what they are, and they influence how you interact with people and the world, obvious, but that's just the reason I said 1. I wouldn't see 9 especially. I think a 9 fix might be just a bit more willing to accept those things that are wrong or stupid, just a bit more, even if the you as a person see these things and are critical of them. I wouldn't really see 8 either tbh
That makes sense. I've always gone back and forth between 8 and 1 for my gut type because I possess traits of both, even some that are in conflict with each other. I'm controlled but explosive, judgmental but not, assertive but aggressive, level-headed but passionate.

You definitely have on the surface a particular kind of control over your emotions and a way of stating them as if they just are what you've observed in yourself which seems like it could be both 1 or 5. It was really hard for me to see 7 in you or 5w4, but there might be things getting in the way of that too. You seem generally cynical, critical, and of course misanthropic like you said, which would make you seem the kinda person who doesn't see the possibilities. But you say sometimes you do...If you're depressed right now it could really get in the way
Why 5w4 specifically?
I know I have some traits of 7s, like flitting back and forth between interests easily, having an impulsive streak, and longing for adventure. But I don't relate at all to the positive outlook triad, so I doubt any of those types have a major place in my personality. As for 5, I relate to it very strongly, but I'm not sure I have the fundamental detachment of a core 5 type.

I do see possibilities, but I often get stuck on one particular idea and convince myself that it must be true, and then in hindsight I realize how foolish it was because the reality was so far off from what I had built myself up to believe. And I'm not so sure if I'm depressed right now, just kind of...lost.
 
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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Things that have been conclusive:
• not this thread
Things that have not been conclusive:
• this thread
 
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