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4,395 Posts
Romance is the most discomforting thing I've experienced thus far in my 21 years.
I crave it so much. I've loved before, for many years. Fruitlessly no doubt, but it was still an incredibly enjoyable--and comforting--experience. It felt GREAT. Especially during those moments where the feelings felt mutual.
But it's not easy to have that :O I've begun to think it's impossible for myself. I'm not sure why, perhaps some random combination of societal influences has sculpted my opinions to cause me to desire a human that doesn't exist. Or maybe I'm just not appealing in that way to anyone, who knows.
But no matter what the reason of my romantic unhappiness, I still can't help but crave that form of attachment. I can't help but be SAD that I don't have it. I feel like I need it :O Not to be happy, no no no I am a very happy person. But I feel EMPTY without it.
It's all that oxytocin's fault. Neurological pair-bonding chemical. All us humans are running around with our friends and our high cut skirts and ripply muscles in pursuit of our next shot of oxytocin. The delicious chemical that makes you feel like you BELONG and that you're NEEDED and LOVED by an existence completely outside of yourself. Shame they haven't put it in a supplement, right? It would be so wonderful to feel reaffirmed that I exist and I am loveable outside of myself. Akin to that age-old question....how do we even know we exist anyways, let alone think about love?
Sigh. I'm just bitter. The truth is I honestly don't have it in me to pursue a relationship based completely on oxytocin bonding. I need to understand my mate. Their brain, how it works, why it works like that, how they feel about it working like that, as well as I can cognitively grasp it. I need to understand it to love it.
And there are very few brains that are accompanied with a body I'm sexually attracted to (you really do need that oxytocin appeal to make things work romantically....). Thus, why it sucks so hard for me and why love seem so damn out of reach and a figment of an idealistic dream. Not too many people are willing to divulge their brains to that extent, most of them aren't even capable--not having reflected on their own existences enough to get us on a page I'd like. Then when you throw a bunch of trivial shit into the mix on top of the very nature of it all such as my own homosexuality (fuck the gay culture), college, full-time work, hobbies, etc., etc. shit gets even MORE annoying and improbable of success.
It just gets me down often. In an ideal world, none of these things would matter and I'd be able to find a nice guy I'm attracted to that I can just sit alone with and enjoy experiencing self-awareness together. Wouldn't that be great? Just really great? Why is something so simple so complicated?
Thanks for reading my rant if anyone did. I've been in a real crap state of mind the past few days.......I'm over worked and under stimulated socially. Sigh.
I crave it so much. I've loved before, for many years. Fruitlessly no doubt, but it was still an incredibly enjoyable--and comforting--experience. It felt GREAT. Especially during those moments where the feelings felt mutual.
But it's not easy to have that :O I've begun to think it's impossible for myself. I'm not sure why, perhaps some random combination of societal influences has sculpted my opinions to cause me to desire a human that doesn't exist. Or maybe I'm just not appealing in that way to anyone, who knows.
But no matter what the reason of my romantic unhappiness, I still can't help but crave that form of attachment. I can't help but be SAD that I don't have it. I feel like I need it :O Not to be happy, no no no I am a very happy person. But I feel EMPTY without it.
It's all that oxytocin's fault. Neurological pair-bonding chemical. All us humans are running around with our friends and our high cut skirts and ripply muscles in pursuit of our next shot of oxytocin. The delicious chemical that makes you feel like you BELONG and that you're NEEDED and LOVED by an existence completely outside of yourself. Shame they haven't put it in a supplement, right? It would be so wonderful to feel reaffirmed that I exist and I am loveable outside of myself. Akin to that age-old question....how do we even know we exist anyways, let alone think about love?
Sigh. I'm just bitter. The truth is I honestly don't have it in me to pursue a relationship based completely on oxytocin bonding. I need to understand my mate. Their brain, how it works, why it works like that, how they feel about it working like that, as well as I can cognitively grasp it. I need to understand it to love it.
And there are very few brains that are accompanied with a body I'm sexually attracted to (you really do need that oxytocin appeal to make things work romantically....). Thus, why it sucks so hard for me and why love seem so damn out of reach and a figment of an idealistic dream. Not too many people are willing to divulge their brains to that extent, most of them aren't even capable--not having reflected on their own existences enough to get us on a page I'd like. Then when you throw a bunch of trivial shit into the mix on top of the very nature of it all such as my own homosexuality (fuck the gay culture), college, full-time work, hobbies, etc., etc. shit gets even MORE annoying and improbable of success.
It just gets me down often. In an ideal world, none of these things would matter and I'd be able to find a nice guy I'm attracted to that I can just sit alone with and enjoy experiencing self-awareness together. Wouldn't that be great? Just really great? Why is something so simple so complicated?
Thanks for reading my rant if anyone did. I've been in a real crap state of mind the past few days.......I'm over worked and under stimulated socially. Sigh.
