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Discussion Starter #1
Hello all,

I would really really appreciate some advice and perspectives. Im an ENTP in love with a INFP male, he has withdrawn recently and i don't know if he's going to come back. I'd like to give some background before i explain what's gone wrong recently, if you could bear with me and give me your thoughts i'd really value them.

I met the love of my life 2.5 years ago, we connected and had very similar values. Im asian and he is scottish. Things moved quickly and we moved in with each other in the first three months and in the past years we've travelled the world and blended together our families and friends who are all very close to us and we see alot. All my younger cousins totally adore him and we are always up seeing his parents/them coming to stay with us. We're both very spontaneous and like to go away on random weekends and day trips. I've been talking about moving on and having kids/buying a house together and he has slowly come around to the house thing (he's bought one with someone before and it all went wrong so he has is scars). He's always wanted kids but prob on a longer timescale than me. We've talked about getting married but it never seems to get there.

The hardest part of our relationship has probably been the T/F divide. I've only recently started to realise how sensitve he is. He's always struggled to tell me how he feels and often its come out in a big frustrated and angry rush. This anger has always been hard for me to be on the receiving end of but i was so proud last year when he sought help and went to go and see a counsellor. We have also done a few sessions together which helped me to understand his Introverted side. I have adpapted to make sure im more aware of him getting alone time and the angry outbursts have really reduced which is great. We have had lots of occassions recently where he has been able to tell me how he feels without anger/frustration being the venhicle. Im so proud of him!

But in the past 6 months i've also felt him withdrawing. Big time. Affection is less than it was, although he doesn't see it. He rarely says he loves me and i have noticed a general draining in him which he acknowledges. At the start when he was withdrawing i panicked and tried to talk it out with him. It was a really bad cycle, the more i felt he was not there the more i tried to talk to him and the more he backed away and denied it all. I was so hurt. He said he just got fed up talking about us and wanted to have fun and feel happy - its drained him and he feels empty.

We recently went on holiday to Cuba and had a great time, we relaxed and i backed off the relationship conversations. In hindsight i think i was focussing so much on him i forgot how i was feeling. I've been feeling hurt and insecure and i wish i'd found a different way to deal with it. When we got back things still didn't feel back to normal and after a conversation with him where he admitted feeling drained/couldn't care about me as he only had enough energy to look after himself............ i realised i needed to break the pattern. I moved out of my home for a week and didn't contact him aside from one text to say i was fine, space was helping me and i hoped it was helping him as well. He did not reply but i didn't expect him too. I feel so guilty about having this effect on him but he also has to realise, the angry outbursts had their effect on me too - i just realised and dealt with it a bit late i guess.

When i got back home he was there. It was hard but i tried to keep it light. Over the week we have been back i have tried to make sure we are out in nature as much as possible and i've tried to give him space and time. In a few little chunks of conversation over the past week he as told me he had missed me and was suprised about how much. He said he loved me and we were alot to lose. I felt hope but also i realise that we can't just drift back and things will only change if we make the decision we are both in this. He agreed and said he won't go through this again and doesn't want to drag it out. He'll come to a decision in the next few weeks. He can't imagine our future at the moment and is living day to day, when this changes and he can imagine our future it will help him know he is back for good. I've been clear that i need stability so its important to me to feel wanted and like my guy will stick around. I've also said that i put too much pressure on with all the talking and i understand that now, i am meditating and its really helping me. Whilst i need him to let me in sometimes i don't need everything, just a signal every now and then. He's asked me to come up to Edinburgh with him this weekend to see his parents which i have taken as a good sign.

But there is a deep nagging fear in me, he is so withdrawn from me. The reduction in kisses/cuddles and i love yous is scary so i have read alot of posts on here and its made me feel worse. Alot of INFP's talk about feeling guilty about ending relationships so end up dragging it out. In the past my guy has always been the one to walk away from his past relationships usually before the 1 year mark so its not been a problem for him before but then with us we have a whole family/living together connection which i guess makes it harder for him to leave. Im scared i've already lost him. If i haven't yet lost him im scared because i literally have no more ideas left re how to help him back.
This is the love of my life and I honestly woulddo anything to fix this, even at the same time as knowing it will only ever beright if he comes back to me of his own will. Waiting for your heart to be broken feels worse than if it actuallyhappened (at the moment). I don’t seewhat else I can do other than look after myself by meditating, give him spaceand time and hope for the best.
Any advice or words of wisdom would be muchappreciated.
 

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Quick question before I go into discussion. Who initiates the physical affection the most?
 
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Quick question before I go into discussion. Who initiates the physical affection the most?

At the start it was him for the first two years. Now its me but i feel a bit rejected so don't try and bug him too often.
Up until i left he would always ask me to rub his hair when we were watching telly/in bed. It soothed him. Since i got back he doesn't ask me anymore, i never realised how much that would hurt.
 

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Two things to add.......

1) He has stopped texting me in the day/telling me what time he is coming home. I only mention this as another INFP poster mentioned they did this as an act of rebellion

2) He has said he wants to be happy and to know he can make me happy. I have said i need to feel wanted and like i belong.

3) Am i stupid to believe if we can get through this we will understand each other so much better and can move onwards? In moments of hope sometimes i think this is a good thing as it will enable us to move on together with much more understanding of each other

I guess by posting this im asking whether there is any hope? I wish i felt hopeful but im so scared that blocks everything else out. Im trying to be light as the anti-dote to his heavy feelings i guess.
 

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Ok to start off I have to say that I only know one perspective so its hard to understand the situation fully.
Therefore I would consider it in the perspective of another male INFP. It should also be said that I don't know his past, so I can't guarantee anything.


First off though I would like to say that you are an amazing woman for standing by him in all those moments.

The fact that he has invited you to see his parents is definitely a good sign.

At the start it was him for the first two years. Now its me but i feel a bit rejected so don't try and bug him too often.
Up until i left he would always ask me to rub his hair when we were watching telly/in bed. It soothed him. Since i got back he doesn't ask me anymore, i never realised how much that would hurt.
Bear in mind that I can only make assumptions but his withdraw demeanor suggests that he is making emotional decisions.
A lot of times if the feelings are overwhelming I would withdraw into my shell to try my best to process everything.

The reason I asked about physical affection is that during these moments it is quite possible that he doesn't mean to be distant but rather hes trying his best to deal with the emotions he is feeling as they can be overwhelming at times.

So I would suggest trying the opposite of what you have tried so far. Giving him space and all is good, its definitely something we like but at the same time too much space might not necessarily be a good thing. Now I'm not suggesting a grand display of affection but the next time you meet give him a great big hug and tell him its ok. Its quite possible that hes finding it hard to express the feelings he really wants to.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Thank you - im not amazing at all, i just adore the bones of him and love our life. I know i've made mistakes, i just hope its not too late to fix things.

Your advice is sound, tonight im going to give him a huge hug and a compliment and see what happens. Just a genuine smile from him would mean so much to me right now, to know i have made him happy even if just for a minute. Its just tough on me as i feel rejected.
 

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Alright, a quick question before I throw my opinion in: the therapy he went to about expressing his emotions; what was it? What exactly was he looking for an answer or help for?
I'm sure there is some communicative disconnect going on despite the best intentions (and you do sound like you really deeply care for him, which is beautiful) but I'm curious what he sees the problem as. Also, was it [the therapy] his idea? Was it something that one of you openly suggested while thinking about the problem or was it sort of thrown out there during a conversation?

All the best with your relationship.
 

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Alright, a quick question before I throw my opinion in: the therapy he went to about expressing his emotions; what was it? What exactly was he looking for an answer or help for?
I'm sure there is some communicative disconnect going on despite the best intentions (and you do sound like you really deeply care for him, which is beautiful) but I'm curious what he sees the problem as. Also, was it [the therapy] his idea? Was it something that one of you openly suggested while thinking about the problem or was it sort of thrown out there during a conversation?

All the best with your relationship.

He had a big falling out with his sister the year before we met and counselling was an idea i suggested as did his Mum to help him deal with some stuff. I think the getting angry issue was really alien to him and he often felt really bad about it afterwards. It was so unlike his usual personality that i think he wanted to see if it could help, it was his decision to go. I think he was looking to understand himself better and why he reacted in this way sometimes. For me, i wanted to make sure if i was the cause i stopped whatever it was i was doing. I think back then i didn't realise the INFP sensitivity to criticism, so i might have been blindly telling him how i felt about something and it would become an attack on him - complete surprise to me as i don't think badly of him in any way. Recently he's been listening to me more and letting me explain which has helped him not react to a perceived criticism.

In terms of what he see's our problem to me....So far, he has just said he feels drained and doesn't want to talk about our relationship he just wants to be happy and have fun together. He's done with all the 'doom and gloom talk from me'. This has hurt me as im a happy person (Enneagram Type 7) generally, just found it tough to deal with the anger and it made me unhappy for a while. His withdrawal was very confusing for me and it wasn't till i moved out and got some space i realise the effect it had on me and was able to get some perspective. I don't need much, i just want to know he loves me still and whatever happens in life we'll face it together as a family. I'd fight for our relationship with everything i have, i just want to feel like the man im fighting for is fighting for me too - is that too much?
 

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Maybe you have to believe in your heart of heart that he still wants you, cos he is still here and he has asked you to go and be with his close family again. Maybe for a while, put away both of your thinking about your immediate relationship issues together and actually extend it to family and friends and bathe in their affections too ? I mean, also focus a little bit about the idea of babies, or a future together and start gathering information or feel a connection to the idea of it ? How would you like your life to be ? Think good things. :) Cos thinking and feeling good things and really connect with those will lead you to the ideas to create those things.

Your happiness is his happiness, and if yours is going downhill, you will drag him downhill too. If he has started to go downhill, then you will go downhill too, but you stop or have to find a way to stop going downhill. Sometimes pretending the bad things are not happening is not a bad thing per se. It just allows us to eleviate our minds from thinking too much into a corner. So now that you have gone to the bottom of that deep well, so now why not reverse backwards and come back to the good feelings once again ? Which is to really stop the dwelling of the bad feelings, and start to think of ideas, and brainstorm, of the good feelings to come ? i.e. when you are going to go on dates again.. What dresses will you wear. Whether it will be a nice romantic spot... Bringing back those loving feelings again that you guys once had. Just cos you have forgotten it. Go back to the first place that you guys met and dated? Go back to the first place that he proposed to you ? Can you do something for him that he would love too ?

AAAAND... just be honest now, when was the last time that you guys literally laughed out ALOUD ?? Like really laugh at things together ? :) What does he love best ? :) What was the thing that really made you feel really girly and have fun with ? Play with your clothes again. Have a haircut. Go on a mini holiday too ? Listen to beautiful music... :)

Also, in order for these bad feelings to come back, truly acknowledge them and accept it. But slowly release them...
Cos now that you know you do not want to lose him, he too has to find his own strength and work through his own emotions too to come back to you as well. Just be gentle with each other. It will come back.

This lesson is about respect, and boundaries for one another's personalities and one must not overstep it... and be patient to wait and be gentle with one another etc... Cos even if you are too obsessed to find the truth, the journey to find the truth is just too... Too much.

Love is to be treasured, saved, captured and reached into our own hearts... I think you guys will do fine. :)
 

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Hmm, okay...

Well firstly, I can strongly relate to not wanting 'the doom and gloom talk' as you mentioned. I expect he wants to bask in the current relationship and does not want to have to go about making difficult decisions or checking on the pulse of the relationship; he may seek to attempt to enjoy short-term moments of happiness even if he knows he's putting off problems which will accumulate for the worse a bit later. That's what I'd imagine going through my mind in such a situation, anyway.
In times of emotional stress I can naturally emotionally react to an attempt to logically analyse a situation, i.e. the status of your relationship, as a kind of attack on the harmony of it. This would potentially make me irritable and withdraw even though I know it's illogical.

It's excellent he acknowledges there are both emotional problems and communication difficulties. I'd say you need to build on that. Giving an INFP 'space' is more often than not (so I read) good advice, and it's good you know him well enough to have tried that, but I think that may not be the best course of action. If he's having difficulties expressing his emotions in a healthy and controlled fashion then I would imagine he feels somewhat isolated as he's wondering how to cope with the changing relationship, and at the same time making emotional decisions inside, which is seriously draining for an INFP. An INFP's whole mind and heart can go into the thinking process of considering emotions and direction.

If he's feeling isolated, it's probably not going to fix itself - he's a conflict-avoidant introspective introvert and is currently withdrawn already, as you said. Your simultaneous withdrawal, even if you've displayed the best intentions to him, may worsen feelings of isolation. Maybe pry a little more into his feelings; get him to lay them out and rationalise them. It's a fine line to tread between warm interest and being pushy and doom-and-gloom, so I'm afraid it won't be easy. Even if you stray to the side of just being warm and vaguely supportive and can't add anything constructive, knowing that you are understanding and supportive of his problems should help. As I'm sure you're aware, or becoming more aware as a preferably Thinking type, navigating around an INFP's emotions is like walking on eggshells made of exploding glass feels.
Anyway, he needs emotional support but not smothering; he is withdrawing, after all, and undesirable as that is he's doing it out of some kind of need. Try to keep his self-esteem from falling apart for any reason - if he's making difficult decisions inside about the two of you he needs to be doing it with some belief in himself. Otherwise he may (misguidedly) feel he has to cut and run, for your sake or his.

I realise I haven't made a whole lot of constructive points. I'll think on this and if there's anything to add I'll post again tomorrow.


EDIT: UPDATED

EDITEDIT: Up'd again
 

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Thank you - im not amazing at all, i just adore the bones of him and love our life. I know i've made mistakes, i just hope its not too late to fix things.

Your advice is sound, tonight im going to give him a huge hug and a compliment and see what happens. Just a genuine smile from him would mean so much to me right now, to know i have made him happy even if just for a minute. Its just tough on me as i feel rejected.
You don't really have to say anything. But merely show him the emotional support. Don't force it, but let him know that you are there for him and that you are an open ear and that he can talk to you and you are willing to listen.

Then if he does open up let him say all that he needs to say.

Honestly going from your other posts his situation is eerily similar to mine in terms of family and the angry emotional outbursts.

I would suggest being quite cautious and non-confrontational when addressing any issues.


The love you have shown is a beautiful thing and he is a very lucky man indeed. I truly hope that things will work out well for the both of you.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
@Bago - i think you are right, being with our families at a time like this is probably a good idea and will support both of us. I think your point about unhappiness dragging him down is a fair point too and one for me to ponder on some more. Thank you
@ATLeow - thank you for your updated words of wisdom. You've helped me get some insight into how he's relating to the situation. He has an interview coming up next week and i've been very positive about that as i think he'll get the job as he's great so i shall make sure i continue supporting his self-esteem.
@UtterMess - Work on my listening skills - got it! I really hope he opens up and lets me in again, i hate being chucked out the club :( Thank you for your insight into my situation.

I've made a picnic tonight and invited him - he said yes. He text me in the day today like old times asking me how my day was going. Im going to take him to the park where we first met and just have fun, i've packed our picnic blanket and made him a nice dinner. I even bought fun napkins and paper plates. I hope he has fun and enjoys us - we need to find our joy again.

Will keep you posted tmrw xx
 

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Maybe I am way off, but it sounds to me like you are walking on eggshells around him. Even your post seems like each word was chosen carefully. If you are afraid to say or do the wrong thing and trying to second guess his reactions and scrutinizing each move that you make before you do it....he will pick up on this and it makes things much more tense than they otherwise would be. It would start feeling to me that maybe your behavior would not feel authentic anymore, even though I know that is not your intention. Not sure that makes sense, but we are extremely perceptive when it comes to that sort of thing. Everything that you are doing sounds like it has a huge amount of thought behind it and outcome predicting...there isn't much else that would set me more on edge and make me feel uneasy as to feel that someone changed how they interacted with me and were no longer naturally behaving... meaning they are modifying their actions to derive a certain result from me. (please don't take this as I'm calling you manipulative..as that's not how I see it intentionally being. I sense that you wanted to plan a future with him, he pulled away to gain perspective, and you in a way freaked out at his shift in behavior and are trying to adapt and repair what happened). So with that said, you ARE trying to steer your relationship, even if it is just back to how it used to be or onto a more defined future. I wouldn't be able to even put my finger on that if I were in his situation I don't think, I would just have this nagging sense of something was wrong and didn't feel quite right. I am fairly certain it would make me want to buck and kick and get distance to gain a new perspective. I would just feel uncomfortable and like the other person had changed or something between us had changed...I would want to back away and clear my mind and if someone kept pushing me to respond before I was ready to...it would probably make me angry too. The anger could also be coming from it going from a healthy, light, relationship that felt amazing into one he doesn't quite understand. He may feel a huge shift within you both and is frustrated and angry at not being able to figure out why he feels the way he does towards someone he has love for and has shared such amazing moments with.

You say in your post:

"We recently went on holiday to Cuba and had a great time, we relaxed and i backed off the relationship conversations. In hindsight i think i was focussing so much on him i forgot how i was feeling. I've been feeling hurt and insecure and i wish i'd found a different way to deal with it. "

....That tells me a lot that when you backed off and let things feel more natural again, he started to come around until you returned home and then you both sensed the unbalance return. You say you had focused so much on him..you weren't aware of your own feelings and I interpret that to mean you were so focused on reading his reactions and obsessed a bit with his responses that you stopped being you in a sense...which would create a disconnect and feel completely wrong on so many levels. I think the second part of that also says a lot and explains where things went wrong. When someone feels insecure they can behave in ways that are unnatural to them. An INFPs deepest desire is to feel like they are deeply connected to the person they love and are in a relationship with and to feel that both persons are there in a genuine and real way. Once it feels forced or like there is manipulation or deception of any kind...that creates an instant discomfort..we pull the plug, we back up and try to make sense of it. There is no longer a desire to be tethered to something we don't feel in tune with. Not sure how else to say it. Like I said maybe I am way off, but from what you described and even how you worded your post, I can feel his discomfort and frustration.

Just wanted to help you highlight a few things that jumped out to me in your post...They might be worth looking at again:

"I have adpapted to make sure im more aware of him getting alone time and the angry outbursts have really reduced which is great."
The fact that you are using the word adapted here, points out that maybe he senses you are forcing your behavior and changing (adapting) it into something you think he wants or needs which = not the you he used to feel so relaxed or comfortable with.
"At the start when he was withdrawing i panicked and tried to talk it out with him. It was a really bad cycle, the more i felt he was not there the more i tried to talk to him and the more he backed away and denied it all. I was so hurt. He said he just got fed up talking about us and wanted to have fun and feel happy - its drained him and he feels empty."
He doesn't want to feel he has to scrutinize every aspect of your relationship. He wants authentic closeness that doesn't have to be contrived and monitored....probably like you used to have.

"When we got back things still didn't feel back to normal and after a conversation with him where he admitted feeling drained/couldn't care about me as he only had enough energy to look after himself."
It sounds like it went right back into the intense relationship conversations instead of basking in the progress you had made while you were there. Probably why he was tense on the return, because it is what he was expecting and dreading.

" I've been clear that i need stability so its important to me to feel wanted and like my guy will stick around. I've also said that i put too much pressure on with all the talking and i understand that now,"
Saying this to him, still IS pressure. He is confused. I would guess in his mind he has had two completely different relationships with you. One that felt amazing and a second that feels manipulated or forced. You may need to back up and not have that commitment you are asking for until he sees if things can go back into a natural state with you. Because right now, the way things probably feel....he will not want to give you such a definitive answer. What you are asking him for is still pressure even though it is something you feel that you need for yourself, he may not be ale to give that to you right now....You are essentially backing him into a corner and making the easier choice be to just move on...he may not be in the place where he feels comfortable with what you are asking for until things prove they can be healthier again between you.

Anyway, I'm sure a lot of what I said is hit or miss as I can only respond to what you have typed here. That is my take on the things you have said, or at least how I think I would internalize being in a similar situation. Hope bits or pieces of it help you in some way. It sounds like you have a lot of love for him and I truly hope you can find your way back to one another. :) Take care.

 

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I just wanted to write this too.. just as a tip...
Even though yes, there have been downtime, but, this is also your relationship as well. You gotta think, what brings out the best in you as a person, and what brings out the best in him as a person and both of you slowly merge that into the "IT", the relationship. It is a metaphorical goal which both of you should focus on and preserve always.

Even though now you know him and he is sensitive, does he know you well, and have you found a way to communicate to him your needs as well ? Sometimes drop notes and statements on things that you really like and you really enjoy. He will come to know what makes you tick as well, and hope that he will understand this and take it into consideration as well.

[Added] I just read Tyty's response. It hits the nail on the spot. Also give him your needs as well... well, figure out what is your needs, and what and why and how. Then maybe find an effective way for this to be known to him as well. Maybe give him a chance of..."there is something I do need to talk to you about, but just let me get my head around this first too, but I still like us to spend more time together enjoying things".... Or maybe a case of what you told us "when I went away, I had calmed down and I thought a lot... and I need you to... xyz... listen to me... or to tell me what is going on...when you are ready and maybe only after hindsight and we have cooled down or something"... etc etc
 

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@TyTy You are spot on, your post really hit me when i read it so its taken me a while to respond. I absolutely have been walking on egg shells with him. Its just really important to me to be a good partner, its like i've been trying to design myself. Even when things have gone wrong, i've almost wanted it to be my fault so i can fix it. I have had no intention to manipulate him at all, honestly. It's just a left over from the angry outbursts i guess - i've done anything i could to avoid them (very child-like reaction). Now things are better i need to let go of that way of being and just trust him. He does dread conversations about us, i can't help it, that hurts. But time is the only way to heal that rift so im just gonna have to get really good at being patient :) THANK you so much for the effort and insight of your post.
@Bago You are right as well, i hide alot about how i feel as i worry about being 'doom and gloom'. I think your suggestion of pointing out the things i like and make me happy is a great one and something i have been trying to do more of lately. Not just for him but also for me, i feel like i lost my joy for a bit and need to get it back. Thank you
 

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UPDATE


So just wanted to give you an update about Thursday night and the weekend with his parents...........

Thursday night
He came home late in the end and i'd enjoyed my evening preparing our picnic so was pretty chilled. We had a hug and i gave him a card saying thanks for sticking with it and i understand things are tough/take all the time you need. I wanted to write it down so he could just have it and not have to respond to my words. We sat down to dinner and he said 'im not going anywhere and just held me'. I couldn't help it i cried - it was very emotional. I said that meant alot to me but there was no need to rush if he wanted more thinking time, i didn't want him to do anything out of guilt or anything. I just wanted him to do what made him happy. I told him i wasn't crying cos i was sad, but because i was happy and that i knew he was still working his way back to us and he could take his time, im here for him. He said he knew that and that he wanted to 'come home' (i think this means mentally as he is rather distant) and things to be back to normal but it was just taking time. I said no rush and we had a lovely dinner.

I know things are not fixed, i know we are not out of the woods but he wants to be together which is a big thing right? He's still been quiet but im learning to leave him in it and just be around.

Weekend with his parents
It was really nice and relaxed. He spent loads of time in the garden which always helps him. We had a laugh and things were really calm and enjoyable. I spoke to his mum who said we both just needed to be chilled out and this is what happens when you come out of the honeymoon period (2.5 years!?), her counsel was that it was better we learn these things now and how to be with each other than get a big shock with this stuff later down the line when kids are involved.

I have kept the weekend light to give us both a chance to rest up a little and its been nice, its reminded me of all the reasons why i love our life and our family. On the way back he told me he'd had a good time and we started planning some things for September as his mum turns 65 and we wanted to organise a suprise. Forward planning involving me, another good sign right?



Slow and steady seems to be the path. We spoke briefly in bed last night and he said the same thing, he wants to come back but realises he isn't quite mentally there yet. He's on his way home and thanked me for being quiet and understanding. He also asked what he could do for me which really meant alot to me. I pointed out all the things he was doing which helped me already and said every now and then i just needed a signal that told me i was wanted, that's all. We went to bed joking about bed/duvet-hogging which was fun :)

I've had some time to reflect now, i still worry about the future and whether this will work out but im really trying to enjoy each moment and find joy. I have some questions which i would really love your thoughts on, will post later when i get 10 mins but i just wanted to give you an update and thank you all for your input so far.
 

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Nothing to add but your two updates made me smile. I'm glad things are getting better for you.
My initial impression is that you're giving him good feedback and reassurance, which of course is great. Keep it up, and all the best.
 

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Yes! positive communication. I'm very happy for the both of you. =)
 
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Thanks both - im trying. He has an interview tmrw so im hoping when that is out the way things will continue on the upward traejectory. He's so quiet at the moment and not sleeping very well but i think thats the interview stuff.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
So.......he had his interview and it went really well.

We also had a chat about us. It was hard and at first he went into his old pattern of being quite defensive but i stayed honest and calm and i feel like he heard me. He listened to how i felt and what i wanted in the future. He also told me that he wants to be with me its just the future (marriage/kids/house) scares him, alot less than it did but its still scary for him. Its like he wants all those things but in some imaginary future wth no timescales etc. Does this resonate with you?

Im confused, if he wants all that stuff how come its so scary? I wonder if sometimes he thinks about it so much without sense checking with reality and turns it into something its not. For example, he bought a house with someone before and she messed him about big time. He is worried if we bought house he'd be left with nothing if things went wrong as they did for him before. We are both putting in the same amount but i offered to sign a pre-nup or something and he was completely against it and said he trusts me completely and knows i'd never screw him over for money as its against my moral code. Confusing.

Ever since we started dating he has always said he wanted kids and to get married. A few times he's told me we'll be engaged before this time or that time, months ahead. But when it gets to that time it hasn't happened. It leaves me feeling like it might never happen, even though he is so sure at the time and i love the look on his face when he's charged up with the idea of it all.
He says he does want all that he just wants to get onto an even kneel and feel like he's all the way back where he wants to be. This makes sense but history/my confusion leaves a little doubt in me which i don't like.

Does this make sense to anyone? I welcome your views as they have been so helpful!
 
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