Joined
·
4 Posts
Dating Q: I'm not great at the advice, can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
So, hi, I'm new here. I'm not familiar with the functions, but was so relieved/content to discover I was an INFJ a few years ago. So much to discover, such a relief to know there’s a reason why for so many things!
So yes, I'm not great at asking for advice (see Chandler reference – the best of the Friends), but in this case I thought I'd give it a shot. Two years ago, almost to the day, I hopped on Tinder just to see what the fuss was and because I wasn't meeting anyone. Plus, serendipity. Anyway, first date I went on was with this perfectly charming specimen, shockingly laidback handsome and ordinary human, and we went out 5 nearly six times after. He was so easy to relax with and talk to; & best part, he literally didn't care when I ran out of things to say (small talk, ew), and the silence was comfortable. He let me just look at him and try to understand him – potentially awkward, in reality - so sweet. Anyway, I don't date much, I definitely don't flirt, and he never seemed to make a move, so after 5 dates over 2 months, I texted that I didn't see us going anywhere. I kind of guessed that our value systems might be different. He sounded disappointed so we met and talked it out over drinks, and basically we were both still interested. (Man - this is simplistic. Oh well.) At the end of the hour/date/chat, he walked me home and I expressed the main obstacle I imagined would be why we might not work, and he was definitely surprised, and I, in a rush of embarrassment, took his reaction to mean “no thank you” and I said a very clear and permanent, if warm, goodbye. To this day I can’t remember clearly how that all went down. Anyway no communication at all after that from either of us.
2 years later I realize I was a flurry of nerves the entire time we were going on dates and definitely giving mixed signals. I know that he is definitely calm and reserved, respectful and potentially pretty shy which may be why he never made a move.
For the first time, all this month I've been thinking of messaging him on FB and saying basically - if he's ever interested in getting back in touch the door is open. Basically that as much as I knew of him I liked, and if he ever wanted to get in touch it wouldn’t be weird to me. (I don’t know if anything long-term would work out because I just don’t know enough, but I liked plenty).
How to express that in a low-key FB message is another question. But my motivation and hang-ups for doing something like this are the following:
Motivation to do it
1. Curiosity – why keep wondering? Just put it out there and stop wondering.
2. Serendipity – so random so potentially perfect. Give it its chance?
3. Interest – as much as I knew, I liked. I would like to be sure he knows that, and let him know that my interest is there if his is.
Hang-ups
1. I don’t like to go after guys. I believe that if a guy is interested in someone, he’ll show it. And on the other end, if a girl ever has to wonder if a guy is interested, he probably is not. Then again, in this case I was the one who said farewell, essentially, or at least put up obstacles.
2. I am having a hard time being objective about this – am I just romanticizing a memory cuz nothing better has come along? But somethings gotta give cuz I’m still thinking about him too fondly after 2 years.
3. Obviously – embarrassment, potential stalker level. But like my cousin told me, regardless he can feel flattered a little.
Should I just grow up and move on? Everyone has question marks in their lives. I just have felt recently, why live with a question mark. Take the embarrassment and be relieved from the curiosity.
Does anyone else think Jane Eyre is INFJ? Anyway, I told myself I wouldn’t do anything until I read Jane Eyre through and learned a little bit from her about perspective and a selfless love.
In the meantime, I’ll leave this here and see if any of you kindred spirits have any insight. I don’t want to betray myself by making a gesture that feels off. I often believe that if I’m going back and forth whether or not to do something, it’s probably my gut telling me not to do it. But then again, I can’t always tell the difference between my gut and my head. So help? Thanks!
So, hi, I'm new here. I'm not familiar with the functions, but was so relieved/content to discover I was an INFJ a few years ago. So much to discover, such a relief to know there’s a reason why for so many things!
So yes, I'm not great at asking for advice (see Chandler reference – the best of the Friends), but in this case I thought I'd give it a shot. Two years ago, almost to the day, I hopped on Tinder just to see what the fuss was and because I wasn't meeting anyone. Plus, serendipity. Anyway, first date I went on was with this perfectly charming specimen, shockingly laidback handsome and ordinary human, and we went out 5 nearly six times after. He was so easy to relax with and talk to; & best part, he literally didn't care when I ran out of things to say (small talk, ew), and the silence was comfortable. He let me just look at him and try to understand him – potentially awkward, in reality - so sweet. Anyway, I don't date much, I definitely don't flirt, and he never seemed to make a move, so after 5 dates over 2 months, I texted that I didn't see us going anywhere. I kind of guessed that our value systems might be different. He sounded disappointed so we met and talked it out over drinks, and basically we were both still interested. (Man - this is simplistic. Oh well.) At the end of the hour/date/chat, he walked me home and I expressed the main obstacle I imagined would be why we might not work, and he was definitely surprised, and I, in a rush of embarrassment, took his reaction to mean “no thank you” and I said a very clear and permanent, if warm, goodbye. To this day I can’t remember clearly how that all went down. Anyway no communication at all after that from either of us.
2 years later I realize I was a flurry of nerves the entire time we were going on dates and definitely giving mixed signals. I know that he is definitely calm and reserved, respectful and potentially pretty shy which may be why he never made a move.
For the first time, all this month I've been thinking of messaging him on FB and saying basically - if he's ever interested in getting back in touch the door is open. Basically that as much as I knew of him I liked, and if he ever wanted to get in touch it wouldn’t be weird to me. (I don’t know if anything long-term would work out because I just don’t know enough, but I liked plenty).
How to express that in a low-key FB message is another question. But my motivation and hang-ups for doing something like this are the following:
Motivation to do it
1. Curiosity – why keep wondering? Just put it out there and stop wondering.
2. Serendipity – so random so potentially perfect. Give it its chance?
3. Interest – as much as I knew, I liked. I would like to be sure he knows that, and let him know that my interest is there if his is.
Hang-ups
1. I don’t like to go after guys. I believe that if a guy is interested in someone, he’ll show it. And on the other end, if a girl ever has to wonder if a guy is interested, he probably is not. Then again, in this case I was the one who said farewell, essentially, or at least put up obstacles.
2. I am having a hard time being objective about this – am I just romanticizing a memory cuz nothing better has come along? But somethings gotta give cuz I’m still thinking about him too fondly after 2 years.
3. Obviously – embarrassment, potential stalker level. But like my cousin told me, regardless he can feel flattered a little.
Should I just grow up and move on? Everyone has question marks in their lives. I just have felt recently, why live with a question mark. Take the embarrassment and be relieved from the curiosity.
Does anyone else think Jane Eyre is INFJ? Anyway, I told myself I wouldn’t do anything until I read Jane Eyre through and learned a little bit from her about perspective and a selfless love.
In the meantime, I’ll leave this here and see if any of you kindred spirits have any insight. I don’t want to betray myself by making a gesture that feels off. I often believe that if I’m going back and forth whether or not to do something, it’s probably my gut telling me not to do it. But then again, I can’t always tell the difference between my gut and my head. So help? Thanks!
