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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Dating Q: I'm not great at the advice, can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

So, hi, I'm new here. I'm not familiar with the functions, but was so relieved/content to discover I was an INFJ a few years ago. So much to discover, such a relief to know there’s a reason why for so many things!

So yes, I'm not great at asking for advice (see Chandler reference – the best of the Friends), but in this case I thought I'd give it a shot. Two years ago, almost to the day, I hopped on Tinder just to see what the fuss was and because I wasn't meeting anyone. Plus, serendipity. Anyway, first date I went on was with this perfectly charming specimen, shockingly laidback handsome and ordinary human, and we went out 5 nearly six times after. He was so easy to relax with and talk to; & best part, he literally didn't care when I ran out of things to say (small talk, ew), and the silence was comfortable. He let me just look at him and try to understand him – potentially awkward, in reality - so sweet. Anyway, I don't date much, I definitely don't flirt, and he never seemed to make a move, so after 5 dates over 2 months, I texted that I didn't see us going anywhere. I kind of guessed that our value systems might be different. He sounded disappointed so we met and talked it out over drinks, and basically we were both still interested. (Man - this is simplistic. Oh well.) At the end of the hour/date/chat, he walked me home and I expressed the main obstacle I imagined would be why we might not work, and he was definitely surprised, and I, in a rush of embarrassment, took his reaction to mean “no thank you” and I said a very clear and permanent, if warm, goodbye. To this day I can’t remember clearly how that all went down. Anyway no communication at all after that from either of us.

2 years later I realize I was a flurry of nerves the entire time we were going on dates and definitely giving mixed signals. I know that he is definitely calm and reserved, respectful and potentially pretty shy which may be why he never made a move.

For the first time, all this month I've been thinking of messaging him on FB and saying basically - if he's ever interested in getting back in touch the door is open. Basically that as much as I knew of him I liked, and if he ever wanted to get in touch it wouldn’t be weird to me. (I don’t know if anything long-term would work out because I just don’t know enough, but I liked plenty).

How to express that in a low-key FB message is another question. But my motivation and hang-ups for doing something like this are the following:

Motivation to do it
1. Curiosity – why keep wondering? Just put it out there and stop wondering.
2. Serendipity – so random so potentially perfect. Give it its chance?
3. Interest – as much as I knew, I liked. I would like to be sure he knows that, and let him know that my interest is there if his is.
Hang-ups
1. I don’t like to go after guys. I believe that if a guy is interested in someone, he’ll show it. And on the other end, if a girl ever has to wonder if a guy is interested, he probably is not. Then again, in this case I was the one who said farewell, essentially, or at least put up obstacles.
2. I am having a hard time being objective about this – am I just romanticizing a memory cuz nothing better has come along? But somethings gotta give cuz I’m still thinking about him too fondly after 2 years.
3. Obviously – embarrassment, potential stalker level. But like my cousin told me, regardless he can feel flattered a little.

Should I just grow up and move on? Everyone has question marks in their lives. I just have felt recently, why live with a question mark. Take the embarrassment and be relieved from the curiosity.

Does anyone else think Jane Eyre is INFJ? Anyway, I told myself I wouldn’t do anything until I read Jane Eyre through and learned a little bit from her about perspective and a selfless love.

In the meantime, I’ll leave this here and see if any of you kindred spirits have any insight. I don’t want to betray myself by making a gesture that feels off. I often believe that if I’m going back and forth whether or not to do something, it’s probably my gut telling me not to do it. But then again, I can’t always tell the difference between my gut and my head. So help? Thanks!
 

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My Idealist self is a big believer in souls intertwining and coming together and things happening for a reason and when you meet somebody, you know they are meant to be in your life. Chemistry and passion and comfort and all that jazz. Even if ya aren't a believer in that, it sounds to me like you knew on some level that something didn't "click" for you -- the chemistry just wasn't there. You can probably think back to something he did that you didn't quite like.

You can contact him and see if he is interested -- sure, why not? -- but my guess is, if nothing come from it back then, nothing is going to come from it now.

Another thing you can do is try to date other guys. Millions of guys out there, and isn't it a nice idea to know as you fall asleep at night, there's another human out there falling asleep under the same sky, who is eager for the chance to meet you and love you? :)

<3 <3 <3
 

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I would message him. No embarrassment necessary. Just a quick, "Hey I was thinking about you the other day! Would you like to (grab a coffee/meet up for happy hour etc...) this weekend?

If he says, "yes" then YAY! Let us know how it goes! If he says, "no" then oh well, get back on Tinder, and let us know how it goes!

Also, I am a full proponent of making the first move. I asked my now husband out. Later, I got sick of waiting for him to kiss me so I leaned in and kissed him (that's a cute story btw). We have been married for 18 years.
 

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I would so love to hear your "cute little story", I love those stories!
To put it in context - We started dating in high school. One night (after I don't recall how many dates but it was more than a few) he was dropping me off at home and pulled into my driveway and put his car in park. We chatted for a minute, said goodnight, and I was about to get out of the car when I thought something like, "No. Dammit! He's gonna make you wait forever just do it." So I quickly turned back around and planted a kiss on his lips. Remember his car was in park but still running? His foot went down on the gas when I kissed him and his "84 Oldsmobile engine went VA-ROOOOOOM!
I think we were both pretty flustered and embarrassed at the time. I do remember that I got out of the car and said "goodnight" pretty quickly! Looking back I think it's flippin' adorable.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Ok that is such a sweet story! Way to go you! That's the best about the gas pedal! I'm sure it matched the nerves and excitement. Thanks for sharing!
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Thank you guys for the perspective and encouragement! So I reached out, as simply as @gemininfj recommended, not as far as asking him out, but saying I was thinking of him recently, and if he ever wanted to get in touch to feel free. He answered quick & graciously - he said thx for reaching out, he enjoyed when we were going out, but he's seeing someone.

Verdict - I'm glad I reached out. I do feel a tiny bit embarrassed, but not too much :) I'm relieved I don't need to think about it anymore! Thanks for helping me make the move :)
@GenAmK It was hard to actually do it, but so glad I don't have to wonder anymore! @lizw47 I love your perspective - enjoying the mystery and excitement of possibilities.

Heading out to a country bar tonight for some line dancing with all my girls, so that'll cure any leftover feels! xoxo thx all!
 

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Thank you guys for the perspective and encouragement! So I reached out, as simply as @gemininfj recommended, not as far as asking him out, but saying I was thinking of him recently, and if he ever wanted to get in touch to feel free. He answered quick & graciously - he said thx for reaching out, he enjoyed when we were going out, but he's seeing someone.

Verdict - I'm glad I reached out. I do feel a tiny bit embarrassed, but not too much :) I'm relieved I don't need to think about it anymore! Thanks for helping me make the move :)
@GenAmK It was hard to actually do it, but so glad I don't have to wonder anymore! @lizw47 I love your perspective - enjoying the mystery and excitement of possibilities.

Heading out to a country bar tonight for some line dancing with all my girls, so that'll cure any leftover feels! xoxo thx all!
Have fun with your girls tonight!!! :)
 
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