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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
He's clearly into me. I'm into him...but the whole thing's weird.
I think he has a girlfriend. (I'm not sure he knows I know this.. might.) At the same time I know, he genuinely feels for me(Ni)..& its not just lust. I've seen protectiveness, jealousy, and utter adoration although it shows up for a second and then he hides it. Being an INTJ I'm not easily duped and if it was just superficial I wouldn't be interested at all. It's weird. I can see him mentally thinking. I don't know what exactly he's thinking. He hesitates. But I know what he's feeling about what he's thinking and I know what he does/the decisions he makes after the thinking. It's just weird....kinda hard to read. Then when he's not thinking its like 100% attention on me. Or if the thinking led to an opposite conclusion he backs off...always in control of his actions.

None of these feelings are explicit...and I have a feeling if any of them were he'd step back. I'm usually blunt but I realize being blunt with feelings would be a bad strategy with him but then I just hold back the feelings and I feel this translates as that I'm being cold or not interested when he gives me all the attention. He's playful and always wants to hug me, and somehow very good at getting it out of me(i'm not a hugger, but i can't really say no to him), he's called my name out as he was walking away from our group to his car and he shouted"i love you!" in a joking tone, but i knew he kinda totally meant it. I started grinning and put out my hands in a heart shape to which he did the same. (walking backwards) Our mutual friend ENFJ was looking at him like he was an idiot.(like a "what are you doing/? look) Probably because she knows he is with someone. xD He somehow compartmentalizes things in his head...not sure how.
I really don't know what's going on.

I don't even know what my own ethics are at this point. I don't know him well enough. I do really care about him though. I don't wanna ruin a good thing if he has it. His girlfriend is a sweet girl. Probably ISTJ so we didn't vibe too much but I hope they work out..she even told me they were going to get married next year..(don't know if she said this because she's noticed the interest he's taken of me).... but
You can't stop yourself from feeling what you do towards people...so I've reverted into polite niceness with him, which I don't know if he's taking well. It's all so weird.

I'm conflicted. I don't want to pull away completely or go cold because I don't want to hurt him. At the same time if I stay close, I'm gonna give in ..I wouldn't ever explicitly state how i feel(though he probably could put together to a decent extent) I'd probably start the indirect playful undefined suggestive flirting that's comfortable and then I'm gonna care eventually and then it's gonna hurt. & that fucking sucks.,.. this is why feelings suck ... sometimes anyway.

He's the one person that I don't wanna hurt at all. Usually I don't mind breaking the Fe or poking at people cuz it works them up, but once i was joking with him and called him an idiot or dummy or something but in an endearing way. (that's kind of how i'm used to showing rough affection, i grew up with brothers and many male friends etc. I'm not good at the soft stuff.) He took it to heart (but didn't show it, but like i said those quick micro expressions) and I felt like I never wanted to hurt him again. Usually I'd rationalize why someone is wrong to feel offended when i mean well, but with him i just wanted to stop ..and make sure i never did that again and then it made me want to learn to be affectionate in a better way. I think i've learned a lot from him about showing affection, about people, and accepting affection and love which i will forever be thankful for, definitely a milestone in my life and development. How he got me to want to, I'll never know.

but anyway none of this is the question. It really just brought up the question in my head.
Would an INTJ & ESTP really ever be able to have a good healthy long relationship. Have you seen it? I'm not asking to see if I should pursue that guy, that's really not the point of this question. I've learned to go with the flow and watch what happens with situations like this instead of think myself to death..yay for developing Se.
I just want to know and am pretty curious how these relationships play out...or any semi duality pair for that matter.

Thnks for the insight in advance !
 

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@Eysan

I have no clue how compatible an INTJ and ESTP would be. I would imagine that they would have the same communication problems that any N and S would have in relationship. A relationship between any two personality types can work if both parties are willing to put forth the effort. As an INTJ, you would have to realize that your ESTP prefers to take in information differently than you. And the ESTP would have to realize that about you as well. ESTPs actively suppress their intuitive function (Ni) because they don't trust it. Therefore it can be exhausting to an ESTP to have to use that inferior function in order to communicate with an Ni dom partner. Likewise it can be exhausting to you to have to constantly communicate in concrete terms when you're not used to doing so. A lot of misunderstandings can arise and cause problems. If you're both willing to listen and make the effort to understand each other, then I don't see why a relationship between an INTJ and an ESTP wouldn't work.

I hope this helps.
 

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Sounds a LOT like a situation I was in with an INTJ girl who had a crush on me in college and I did really really like her a lot too. Eerily similar actually. Unfortunately I was with a girl at the time and we got engaged soon and we parted ways shortly.

I'll just say one thing. I miss her and think about her from time to time. But it was never romantic from my side. More like an absense ... A sense of loss.

I could tell later when I was married and unhappy and she got married to some guy that at least she did still have some feelings there for me but mine did not develop. However I really, really liked her.

We're not talking anymore.

Anyways, I think we could have been compatible because I don't believe in type related compatibility more than I believe in cultural and calue based compatibility. In that we were similar. She was raised in a culture foreign to hers and I was raised in a culture foreign to mine. We were good together. Had some great conversation.

She's dropped off the face of the Earth and I wish I could find her and be friends again but it isn't going to happen.

Your situation may not be the same, but stay friends and maybe things can develop between you two. Don't let an opportunity slip by to remain friends.

Most of us ESTPs are good at platonic relationships with girls. We can compartmentalize.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Sounds a LOT like a situation I was in with an INTJ girl who had a crush on me in college and I did really really like her a lot too. Eerily similar actually. Unfortunately I was with a girl at the time and we got engaged soon and we parted ways shortly.

I'll just say one thing. I miss her and think about her from time to time. But it was never romantic from my side. More like an absense ... A sense of loss.

I could tell later when I was married and unhappy and she got married to some guy that at least she did still have some feelings there for me but mine did not develop. However I really, really liked her.

We're not talking anymore.

Anyways, I think we could have been compatible because I don't believe in type related compatibility more than I believe in cultural and calue based compatibility. In that we were similar. She was raised in a culture foreign to hers and I was raised in a culture foreign to mine. We were good together. Had some great conversation.

She's dropped off the face of the Earth and I wish I could find her and be friends again but it isn't going to happen.

Your situation may not be the same, but stay friends and maybe things can develop between you two. Don't let an opportunity slip by to remain friends.

Most of us ESTPs are good at platonic relationships with girls. We can compartmentalize.
That's really interesting. You know, I can't help but ask, but what was it that you felt like you had lost? Can you gauge it in specifics or is that a bit difficult for an Fi PoLR? Why do you think despite really liking her that it wasn't in a romantic way and you never developed feelings like that for her back?

Thank you for all the advice. It's not really that I think they cannot compartmentalize. That's not the fear. I don't know if I want him to compartmentalize me. I can compartmentalize too, but I guess I'm more aware of when it hurts me to. ..or when it would hurt him to...pulling back into a distanced polite communication seems like it frustrates him but idk what else to do at this point. We'll see how it goes,hopefully not an unhappy marriage on one side and loose ended feelings on the other.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
@Eysan

I have no clue how compatible an INTJ and ESTP would be. I would imagine that they would have the same communication problems that any N and S would have in relationship. A relationship between any two personality types can work if both parties are willing to put forth the effort. As an INTJ, you would have to realize that your ESTP prefers to take in information differently than you. And the ESTP would have to realize that about you as well. ESTPs actively suppress their intuitive function (Ni) because they don't trust it. Therefore it can be exhausting to an ESTP to have to use that inferior function in order to communicate with an Ni dom partner. Likewise it can be exhausting to you to have to constantly communicate in concrete terms when you're not used to doing so. A lot of misunderstandings can arise and cause problems. If you're both willing to listen and make the effort to understand each other, then I don't see why a relationship between an INTJ and an ESTP wouldn't work.

I hope this helps.
As an ESTP why would you say you distrust your intuitive function? Just curious.
 

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That's really interesting. You know, I can't help but ask, but what was it that you felt like you had lost? Can you gauge it in specifics or is that a bit difficult for an Fi PoLR? Why do you think despite really liking her that it wasn't in a romantic way and you never developed feelings like that for her back?

Thank you for all the advice. It's not really that I think they cannot compartmentalize. That's not the fear. I don't know if I want him to compartmentalize me. I can compartmentalize too, but I guess I'm more aware of when it hurts me to. ..or when it would hurt him to...pulling back into a distanced polite communication seems like it frustrates him but idk what else to do at this point. We'll see how it goes,hopefully not an unhappy marriage on one side and loose ended feelings on the other.
She was a buddy at first. From my perspective anyways. We were a group of three (two guys and a girl) and we were all from different countries who ended up college together so we were drawn together because of that shared connection.

The loss I feel is not knowing where she is and not knowing if I'll ever see her again. It's something I feel with regards to almost all the close connections I've made over the years. With her it's more pronounced because I have no clue where she is. She's fallen off the face of the Earth.

My feelings for her never turned romantic because our friendship coincided with me falling in love with ESFP (who became my wife) at the same time so the time I could have explored a relationship with INTJ was spent being infatuated with someone else.

We tried to be friends after I got married too but for some reason she changed and became more melancholic. Like I could see some degree of pain in her eyes then she got married and we stayed friends for a bit. After a few years she divorced and I was on the verge of divorce and we talked but there was no spark. We were both in a dark place and that was the last time we talked. Her sister got involved and said some inappropriate things and I just moved on.

I think that this is a tough situation and I don't have advice because what I had got ruined so I'm not the best person with regards to giving advice on your situation which seems kind of similar but different. It's just one of those harsh realities of life where certain things just don't seem to go the way we want them to.

I do miss her though. As a friend and as someone who shared some of my best but also darker moments in the past. I would like to be in her company again but at the same time I'm sure she's moved on as I have. Last we saw each other was 6 years ago.
 

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As an ESTP why would you say you distrust your intuitive function? Just curious.
ESTPs are realists. We put more stock in what we can take in via our senses. Since intuitive information does not come in via the senses, we tend to dismiss it. It's not concrete info, so I don't trust it as much as I do the things that exist in the physical world.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I think that this is a tough situation and I don't have advice because what I had got ruined so I'm not the best person with regards to giving advice on your situation which seems kind of similar but different. It's just one of those harsh realities of life where certain things just don't seem to go the way we want them to.

I do miss her though. As a friend and as someone who shared some of my best but also darker moments in the past. I would like to be in her company again but at the same time I'm sure she's moved on as I have. Last we saw each other was 6 years ago.
I'm sure it wasn't your fault, however it was that it ended up being lost. And for what it's worth I totally understand the feeling. I understand very well how it feels to lose strong bonds built over time, spending life with each other, for people to "drift apart" or bonds to break abruptly. It sucks. ...terribly...

When I was younger it really used to break my heart.. I still remember those friends.
I even know what it feels to grow up in a culture outside your own & bond with people of the same experiences. I did too. Eerily similar is right.

I really hope that you two meet again, that your paths cross in better times. Don't ever think that that's impossible. The weirdest things end up happening in life.

You know? Honestly, some people may think this is overkill but friendship is what I value most in this world. I owe most things that matter in this life or ever did to those I've gotten to call my friends over the years, regardless of where we all ended up or where we are now. They impacted me more than any of them would know. I'm sure I did the same. Hits me in the feels to think about that.
 

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the ESTP + INFJ is the dual, right? I think ESTP + INTJ is the 2nd to that. They together they would perceive physical and spiritual/energy realities/possibilities.

the Se+Ni mastery between them is awesome. My bro is an INTJ and we work very well together. I've got an INFJ female friend thats amazing communication too. The two perceptions when communicated provide the full picture, not just half.
 

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the ESTP + INFJ is the dual, right? I think ESTP + INTJ is the 2nd to that. They together they would perceive physical and spiritual/energy realities/possibilities.

the Se+Ni mastery between them is awesome. My bro is an INTJ and we work very well together. I've got an INFJ female friend thats amazing communication too. The two perceptions when communicated provide the full picture, not just half.
I was married to an INFJ and it was my longest relationship. Mainly, because we have a child together. It can be great or complete opposite as most everything. I do not have much experience with INTJs.
 

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i'd imagine having a child with someone is the only reason to put in the effort in for longevity, according to most ESTP's ;)
 

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I don't think even in my case a child would have prevented me from leaving my ex. It would have been a messy custody battle, but I would definitely not have stayed with her forever. We were way too wrong for one another and that became clear a year and a half into the relationship.
 
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