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I recently realized my parents are abusive, it's really messed me up, I guess I'm venting as well as asking for advice. My parents painted themselves as these strong wise (better than everyone else) kind of people and I bought into it. So when it comes to refining my morals, if I'm not able to come to a conclusion on my own I'd ask them for help and tips, kind of like what I'm doing right now. Because of that what my parents taught me made up so much of my own morals and values, now I know I have to cut everything they taught me out and start anew because if I don't I will spend the rest of my life wondering if what they did was okay and If I do that I run the risk of ending up in another abusive relationship. I can't do it.

Now every time I feel anything or do anything, I just stop and ask myself "do I feel this way because of how my parents raised me or because of how I raised myself" kind of like "how much of me is me and how much of me is them" if that makes sense.

It's like they've left a stain on me but I can't find it and I definitely don't know how to scrub it out.

I want to be healthy but I don't know what a healthy me looks like, sometimes I think it's what I was like as a child but I realize now I still exhibited some type 9 traits then and I know a type 9 me is a unhealthy me.

What am I supposed to do now?
 
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Hiiii Lilacian~

:crying: *huggles*

I really want to say that I relate to you right now, but I'm not totally sure. It seems to me that you're in a process of unplugging from your parents' social conditioning. Brainwashing, whatever.

I went about this process via meditations, intense introspections isolated from distractions, researching information to counter what I believe and determine if my beliefs crumble under new insights or become stronger. Disagree with people on the sole purpose of getting them to explain themselves and argue (makes them stronger in their beliefs) so I can dissect some of my own insights/beliefs in the external world as well.

Ever been down in the dumps and tear yourself apart with criticism? If so, does that ever leak out toward other people? I experienced these myself and realized they were opportunities for me to grow in those areas. It also changed a lot of my values in the process of growing in those directions.

"how much of me is me and how much of me is them" if that makes sense.
It makes complete sense. We're always questioning ourselves to see if it's what we truly believe in.

I've taken political tests, religious/spiritual tests, etc. External self-report analysis tests if you will. That was a starting point for me to use as a discussion topic with other people and research purposes.

When I get angry, disgusted, indignant, these emotions let me know one of my values has been crossed. This is another starting point for further introspection, research, discussions.

I've come to a point where I'm getting more comfortable/confident in what I believe and I can be diplomatic in disagreements, at times at least. Like... if I know what I believe in 100%, then there's no need to feel threatened by people believing in different values/ideals. I've tried to argue with people about their beliefs almost trying to persuade them to believe mine. Why? Not because I care about what they believe (I've discovered). But because I was trying to get them to agree as a form of external validation and approval that my beliefs were worthy for myself. In other words, I may not actually believe myself. That's why my empathy didn't extend to their perspectives, I was too self absorbed. If I'm exploding out at someone, then it's a new ideal/value I haven't processed deeply enough to truly own it. The least informed have the strongest opinions right?

Perhaps this isn't your case considering the abuse, but I still think the process in finding yourself could be similar. Hope this helps.

Ask yourself why you believe in what you believe. Then attack it. Question everything, extroverted intuition comes in handy here. If it's true, it'll get stronger. If it's not true, it'll crumble. Beliefs can change, but the issue is figuring out where you're at right now, right? That questioning may touch on even deeper values and beliefs that may be coloring everything you think you believe in. Those might just be what your parents have drilled into you. Then you have to attack those. *shrug* Or at least, that's what I had to do.

It's a terrifying, agonizing process. No way around that. I'd recommend doing things by yourself in isolation first before you go to other people for additional insights on what you've dug up. Nobody understands better than you.

I'd offer you to share your morals/ideals on here and we can hash them out if you're willing! :happy:
 

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Refrain from putting pressure on yourself to figure yourself NOW THIS INSTANT I MUST BE ME NOW. Nope, it's a process, and maybe a long one, maybe not, and that's okay.

And guess what, ten years later you change your mind about important things that you believed to be an essential part of who you are. My advice is to not take yourself super seriously, and to understand that you're a work in process, for eternity.

The way I got in touch with my own person (and this took years) was doing these (and other stuff):

Seek on purpose POVs that were a direct opposition to what I believed, and just absorb information. I watched documentaries, films, youtube videos, read books, biographies, socialized with people that were very different from me, exposed myself to opposite people online, like forums and facebook groups, etc. I exposed myself to ideas that terrified me. I read the Bible (I was raised atheist), and read The Book of the Law (Thelema), and a bunch of occult stuff, and buddhism, and Greek Mythology, got into quantum physics, began to hang out with people of opposite political parties to mine, etc etc. Total exposure to everything I could find, opened my mind, and didn't try to adhere myself to anything. I didn't put pressure on myself to believe or not believe in any of it. I just pondered relaxedly, critical thinking, dissected the stuff, but if I felt confused, I just did more research, didn't pressure myself to make up my mind quickly about anything. My beliefs shaped themselves naturally over time, with much introspection and journaling.

Journaling. The word speaks for itself. I am who I am because of the twenty years I've spent journaling --> dialoguing internally, introspecting, decluttering my mind and rearranging the furniture, receiving downloads, self-analysis, etc.

My ideas keep evolving and changing. I don't believe half the things I believed five years ago, and I'm sure that ten years down the line I will believe other things that make more sense. Some of us are never a finished product, nothing wrong with that.
 
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I really feel for you... I'm also trying to figure out the same thing. It's a scary and lonely road sometimes, but I know I'll be better for it. I think part of what helps (for me, at least) is knowing that it's all going to make me a better person, in the end. As in, just the realization that yeah, my parents were abusive, that itself is the first step to healing and stopping the cycle of abuse. And like everyone else is saying, there's time. You don't have to figure yourself out right away, you know? Instead you can figure out what you like and believe in little by little and then life gets better. That's what I'm hoping, anyway.
 

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First off, I feel you. I've been in similar situation, broken personality by abuse and I'm still picking up the pieces 10 years later.
I think there are few things you can keep in mind.
1) if you can do therapy, please do - it can help you identify specific behavior/values you learned from your parents and get rid of it.
2) EVERYTHING around you shapes your personality, opinions and moral values, not just parents but even stupid advertisement, school, friends, movies you watch. Which is a pretty scary thought, I know how INFPs preoccupy themselves by striving to be their authentic self and that can be especially hard for enneagram type 9. Being you I'd try maybe writing a journal, write down what you did that day, what you suspect was influenced by your upbringing, what felt authentic, contemplate that and maybe read it after few months, see how you moved on.
I think that it's possible, bit by bit to build whatever person you want to be. It just takes time, healing from abuse is hard, so don't be too hard on yourself when on bad days you don't act/think the way you'd like to. Process it, learn, go boldly forward and be awesome.
 
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