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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Well, it seems like being an INFJ male and having a sensitive side isn't easy, I feel guilt whenever I act sensitive or not ... cold. Obviously, due to the nature of society and gender roles there isn't much you can do about it without sticking out (don't like that) or looking weak (HATE that).

It seems like more and more lately I simply tune out peoples emotions or try to agitate people, unless I have deep trust in someone I am very cold. I am can be very compassionate and deep down I am very altruistic. I'm not so much the helpless people pleaser, I'm a very strong thinker and I turn my Fe into wanting to raise consciousness and change humanity. I'm very much an an activist, very liberal, and care a LOT about civil rights and gaining social acceptance for atheism, I feel very comfortable with it, and I do it very well.

The problem is, I feel like I'm very cold to people, especially my immediate family. I tend to tune out the feelings and concerns of others now let alone hide my own.

Again, I show the touchy feely side of me to virtually nobody, generally my best friend and some people now and then. And I'm cold to my best friend if I'm in public sometimes.

How do I get over this? I feel like I don't have anyone who has any experience (considering the rarity of my type it doesn't surprise me the slightest).
 
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I don't think you are a cold, maybe you've just become cynical or disillusioned in someway and would prefer to not express any emotions at all other than to a select few because many of them might be negative or turn negative for lack of reciprocation. Try to really look at what is good in your life and the good in people, particularly ones close to you. You also maybe wanting to move forward in your life and you see no way to progress, this is something I'm dealing with right now too. Society can make you feel like a machine at times and deaden your emotions, unfortunately INFJ can deaden them very well I feel. Lastly there are people out here that care just as much and aren't showing it, you're not alone :wink:
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I don't think you are a cold, maybe you've just become cynical or disillusioned in someway and would prefer to not express any emotions at all other than to a select few because many of them might be negative or turn negative for lack of reciprocation. Try to really look at what is good in your life and the good in people, particularly ones close to you. You also maybe wanting to move forward in your life and you see no way to progress, this is something I'm dealing with right now too. Society can make you feel like a machine at times and deaden your emotions, unfortunately INFJ can deaden them very well I feel. Lastly there are people out here that care just as much and aren't showing it, you're not alone :wink:
I can be cynical, but I feel like I am going to stand out like a sore thumb or look awkward. I also tend to feel very victimized towards reality, such as people who have more money, look better, but if I look deep down I feel good, I know I can achieve more and be a better person sometimes.
 

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I understand what you mean, it can be hard seeing the world from that perspective. You should look into yourself more, spend some time going deep down and try and bring that good feeling about yourself to the surface.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I understand what you mean, it can be hard seeing the world from that perspective. You should look into yourself more, spend some time going deep down and try and bring that good feeling about yourself to the surface.
Thanks and that always makes me feel better. I just know when I have more control in my life I will do better. I just am worried looking like a loser.
 
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I have effectively 'built up a wall' around my sensitive side

I have redirected it inside to nurture myself while I use my thinking in the outside world

Only those who really deserve it get to see my sensitive side

The unfortunate thing is that in building the wall, I've sacrificed a part of me. So my emotional output is stunted and makes empathy hard to vocalize as, with the ability to rule out emotion with logic, I can no longer feel anything for other people

As they say, everything comes with a price
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I have effectively 'built up a wall' around my sensitive side

I have redirected it inside to nurture myself while I use my thinking in the outside world

Only those who really deserve it get to see my sensitive side

The unfortunate thing is that in building the wall, I've sacrificed a part of me. So my emotional output is stunted and makes empathy hard to vocalize as, with the ability to rule out emotion with logic, I can no longer feel anything for other people

As they say, everything comes with a price
I think as I've grown especially the past few years it's been stronger. I miss the sensitivity sometimes.
 

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Well, it seems like being an INFJ male and having a sensitive side isn't easy, I feel guilt whenever I act sensitive or not ... cold. Obviously, due to the nature of society and gender roles there isn't much you can do about it without sticking out (don't like that) or looking weak (HATE that).

It seems like more and more lately I simply tune out peoples emotions or try to agitate people, unless I have deep trust in someone I am very cold. I am can be very compassionate and deep down I am very altruistic. I'm not so much the helpless people pleaser, I'm a very strong thinker and I turn my Fe into wanting to raise consciousness and change humanity. I'm very much an an activist, very liberal, and care a LOT about civil rights and gaining social acceptance for atheism, I feel very comfortable with it, and I do it very well.

The problem is, I feel like I'm very cold to people, especially my immediate family. I tend to tune out the feelings and concerns of others now let alone hide my own.

Again, I show the touchy feely side of me to virtually nobody, generally my best friend and some people now and then. And I'm cold to my best friend if I'm in public sometimes.

How do I get over this? I feel like I don't have anyone who has any experience (considering the rarity of my type it doesn't surprise me the slightest).
To me this sounds like a lack of communication... there's something on your mind regarding your family that you want to discuss but you're holding yourself back. At least that was something I caught myself doing recently (Being cold with my mother at my cousin's wedding instead of talking to her about what was bothering me)

Let it sit in your mind and it might juts fester.

Take it from someone who's been there... try to talk to your family about whatever's bothering you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
To me this sounds like a lack of communication... there's something on your mind regarding your family that you want to discuss but you're holding yourself back. At least that was something I caught myself doing recently (Being cold with my mother at my cousin's wedding instead of talking to her about what was bothering me)

Let it sit in your mind and it might juts fester.

Take it from someone who's been there... try to talk to your family about whatever's bothering you.
We have totally opposite views and it's hard to get along with them with the exception of my mom. They are relatively close minded too. I'm still in high school though.

I generally confide in friends and such, I tend to better when I've been in a relationship for a while.
 

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So you definitely feel a bit alone^. It was an eye-opener for me when I met someone like me for the first time. I felt so much closer to and had a real concern with the person, and compared with everyone else, even though we were still strangers.

Maybe if you can't find one of these, you can meet people who are passionate about the same things as you. It helps me open up and connect to a lot of people.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I'm extremely cold and somewhat rude to people I know well and disagree with, but with strangers I'm polite but quiet and not super personable.

I don't think I'll stop the pain hiding, it helps me and I cope very well rather feel weak and embarrassed being really sensitive. I guess I just refuse to let my guard down when bringing up values.
 

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I think in general INFJ's like to have a face of having everything together, for a male i can see it being tougher.


There was a time were I felt so much, I tuned out everything. coping with just my feelings trying to sort everything out.
I learned limits on how much i can feel and why.

My biggest issue:

I didn't want to hurt people with my opinions because I have a very raw truth p.o.v but i was really just hurting myself
I learned that sharing what i believe lifted me up, and people didn't take a offense to it as long as i wasn't high strung about it but when I'm passionate about something I will get very strong into, and kinda forget my limits lol. all and all. U find what fits you best in time
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I've had really weird experiences with the shutting in part of being a INFJ. Generally if something is bothering me, you wouldn't know because I express things verbally or not at all. I always have this neutral expression on my face...

For some reason after something traumatic I completely ignore it and break down a few days later. Mainly deaths or breakups. When I was younger my grandfather passed away and I didn't cry but I broke down at the viewing. And breakups I can't cry until like a day or two it's really odd. It can be more helpful then not though.
 

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After working for many years as admin assistant in rent-geared-to-income housing I became much less sensitive only because it was the only way I could survive in a situation where 99% of the people I worked with had no compassion for the tenants.
 

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You cannot imagine how much of a comfort it can be to know that somewhere out there, there's an INFJ guy who's troubled by the same concerns; so thanks for sharing. =]

When I was a lot younger, I used to feel sad really easily, even if it wasn't me who directly experienced loss or pain. By sad, I mean on the verge of tears, but short of tearing or crying. Movies dealing with instances of hardship and loss (especially in the emotional department) left me in deep reflection for days on end. A Walk to Remember was one of them. Then as the years passed, my empathetic and altruistic streak remained, but they were heavily repressed by a need for self-preservation and the expectations of how a guy should behave (rational, task-oriented). On top of that, a few traumatic emotional experiences (break-ups, intense arguments with family) forced me to guard my heart with such fervour, that I effectively constructed a rational fortress around it, partly due to the internalisation of poetic justice, the real lack of it and eventually vengeance.

I understand that being empathetic and sensitive are inherent in me, and sometimes (actually most of the time now) I'm the only one who's aware of it. I've been mistaken for an INTJ many times even though I've enough Fe to make a kitten cry, haha. It's just this whole outward compensation in Reason for the maelstrom of emotions that brews within, because given the intensity of emotion I feel within, I compensate with an equal proportion of reason without. So apparently, coupled with my love for analysis, I'm perceived at a glance as the clear-headed, logical guy - your stereotype.

At present, whenever I get talked down to or have my aptitude placed in question, I tend to defend myself fiercely and ruthlessly because I've just about had enough of 'being weak', which was what I was deemed when I was younger. And it is not rational indignation, but some blinding anger that makes me speak out to qualify myself. It's scary sometimes, heh. But I know I can be vengeful and quite remorseless sometimes, especially when people cross boundaries thinking I'll turn a blind eye (again). After that I'll just think about it and wonder if I'm turning into my own shadow. =(

And yes, I never, ever cry in public, which makes me the shoulder to cry on when the need arises. Then I'll go home, listen to some sad music and sob my heart out. Sniff.
 

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i have the same concerns
if anything sensitivity is the only facet that makes me truly individual
but south korea always butts in and try to mess my momentum when i am about to flourish and try so hard to force me into a military, insensitive, macho, third class, clueless, tasteless...... mold and really try hard to corrupt my mentality into a mediocre model
but im not going to have either korea, koreans or korean influence paint anything onto my canvas. it is my canvas to draw, my picture to envision and execute. and i am very careful with each stroke i make. it requires a lot of sensitivity and i am not going to allow some ugly thick black brushstroke of some bitter clueless... middle aged man forcing mediocre tastes, ideologies or beliefs destroying my divine picture.

sensitivity is a strength in itself
and it's the question of how, when, where to direct that so that you can stay the way you are, develop your natural traits and put it to greater use

that day will come :]
just find the tactics to deal with the insensitive people who are deliberately trying to kill one's sensitive side or make you feel like it is something to be ashamed of.. - that is when i allow myself to get aggressive i think.. i've learned to act like a baboon and i've learned how to defend my sensitivity.. :]

i dont accept when insensitive folks try to take their careless acts for granted.. when that happens i reverse that and they completely act like hypocretes so i think sensitivity is a universal thing and people like to disguise that they are insensitive just to get their sensitive sides satisfied.. and when that happens i completely am aware of it and its important to get aggressive if someone does something terrible like that
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
You cannot imagine how much of a comfort it can be to know that somewhere out there, there's an INFJ guy who's troubled by the same concerns; so thanks for sharing. =]

When I was a lot younger, I used to feel sad really easily, even if it wasn't me who directly experienced loss or pain. By sad, I mean on the verge of tears, but short of tearing or crying. Movies dealing with instances of hardship and loss (especially in the emotional department) left me in deep reflection for days on end. A Walk to Remember was one of them. Then as the years passed, my empathetic and altruistic streak remained, but they were heavily repressed by a need for self-preservation and the expectations of how a guy should behave (rational, task-oriented). On top of that, a few traumatic emotional experiences (break-ups, intense arguments with family) forced me to guard my heart with such fervour, that I effectively constructed a rational fortress around it, partly due to the internalisation of poetic justice, the real lack of it and eventually vengeance.

I understand that being empathetic and sensitive are inherent in me, and sometimes (actually most of the time now) I'm the only one who's aware of it. I've been mistaken for an INTJ many times even though I've enough Fe to make a kitten cry, haha. It's just this whole outward compensation in Reason for the maelstrom of emotions that brews within, because given the intensity of emotion I feel within, I compensate with an equal proportion of reason without. So apparently, coupled with my love for analysis, I'm perceived at a glance as the clear-headed, logical guy - your stereotype.

At present, whenever I get talked down to or have my aptitude placed in question, I tend to defend myself fiercely and ruthlessly because I've just about had enough of 'being weak', which was what I was deemed when I was younger. And it is not rational indignation, but some blinding anger that makes me speak out to qualify myself. It's scary sometimes, heh. But I know I can be vengeful and quite remorseless sometimes, especially when people cross boundaries thinking I'll turn a blind eye (again). After that I'll just think about it and wonder if I'm turning into my own shadow. =(

And yes, I never, ever cry in public, which makes me the shoulder to cry on when the need arises. Then I'll go home, listen to some sad music and sob my heart out. Sniff.
I completely see where you're coming from. I'm a very rational person, I do think I'm very intelligent, I learn and comprehend things faster than 97% of my class, and people say "use small words" because of the vast complexity of my mental lexicon... I try to be humble hahaha. I think some of it stems from that but I have wonderful thinking skills, but I'm a very sensitive person and bringing meaning and to my life and progressing humanity is more important to me. I think being a social scientist would be perfect for me. :tongue:

I don't think I defend myself out of weakness but doing what is right and doing what I think is right, not society, friends, family, etc.

I tend to vent to myself or a friend, I tend to feel better when I cuddle with a pillow, I feel more secure... It's kinda sad though.

On stereotypes, Atheist tend to stereotyped as rational people (which is generally true if it's the deconverted variety of atheists) but I think it lies from having good critical thinking skills and being a very introspective person and having an open mind. Feeling prefrences tend to be stereotyped as logic < emotion. Far from the truth, it means we tend to feel better towards meaning, feel more emotion, and tend to understand emotions better, logical skills are not dependent on that, same with feeling emotions on the other side of the T/F dimension.
 
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