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Discussion Starter #1
Do any of you guys deal with this, too? I don't usually anymore, but sometimes, like right now. I THINK it stems from this feeling of everything being too annoying and hard that I wanna say, "eff it all, I don't care about myself or anything." Or maybe I just want to feel invigorated...I think it's a lot of things. Am I alone in this? I even start getting thoughts like, "I wish that car would hit me." Not even to die, just to feel real or SOMETHING.
 

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Yes, but depends what you mean by recklessness/impulsivity. My orbitofrontal cortex was supposed to have finished developing a few years ago by now, and I definitely notice that I have better judgment and impulse control than I did before this was the case. But sometimes it's soooooo to hold back from making really bad decisions that would be gratifying in the moment but disastrous in the long term. Like WAY harder than it should be, by any rational measure. But I'm talking about specific instances where decisions need to be made. If you're talking about pure, raw, reckless sensational ... stuff ... then I rarely feel compelled towards that.

Sometimes when I'm very fed up and bored, maybe, though.
 

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Let's see...

I need to desperately apologize to this guy.. I don't care if I speed past 55 mph and hurt someone as long as I apologize for this other thing.
I am going to the city to end my life. The amount of gasoline does not matter because there will not be a trip back because I plan to die (fail).
Failing my classes doesn't matter.. I plan on dying anyways (fail)
I'm going to take this jumping rope and hang myself in the garage and whether or not I leave a dent from sitting on my mothers car to do it doesn't matter. (fail)
I am going to steal this guy's tool instead of ask a teacher where my lost one could be because I give up and I highly doubt I could ever amount to something in the eyes of the world.
I am going to abandon this place where I stole the item from because now I feel I am causing trouble for people.
I am going to take my bookbag and stuff my art into it in the middle of the night and walk to the nearest dumpster with no concern whatsoever that I am causing trouble for the teacher who thinks I'm doing criminal mischief. It just didn't deserve to be put into a box labeled fragile handle with care.
I'm going to take staples off of the board and clean it because maybe the inanimate objects will feed my need for love that I don't get from humans.
I will take these caterpillars in the alley and make a home for them at home.. maybe I can use my lavalamp light to keep them warm (same idea as above)
I am going to repetitively accessorize my body with nice outfits and draw attention to the fact that I have body insecurities.
I don't want to cause people problems.. I must make sure I sit next to no one.. oops by doing this I have caused problems because I stole someone's chair and moved around consistently like a mad hatter.. causing him to sigh..
Something like this..
 

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Totally relate. I don't always give into the impulses, or not fully. Sometimes it's acting out, other times, a withdrawal just as destructive. It can stem from anything as simple as boredom to extreme frustration with life. The "throw it all to hell" attitude seems to be born out of a major devaluation of everything, including myself. Or it's a misguided attempt to feel in control of something. I will feel like, " I need something to change RIGHT NOW."

I've gotten better at exercising patience and acting on my principles over moods. I've never done anything too crazy either. I think being a rather withdrawn introvert saves me there.
 

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@username123 That was moving just because of how accurately you put it. As for if I deal with it: Do I???

I try hard to impress. When I fall short I'm subtly frantic for alternatives. Failures that agitate my desire for feeling "human," or even just 'good,' are so unacceptable I blame the world instead of coming to terms with real humanity. This process represses my feelings, making them hard to decipher.

I can have moments of alleviation and catharsis through some outlets; that which gives me hope I could be more than the impotent being I fear I may be at times. However, the maladaptivity comes to a head, and can unleash a side of me that's willing to toy with disfigurement. "If I'm ugly, shame-ridden, I'll fight your view of beauty with it." It's like I'm determined to be seen as "human," but I act out to make them pay for being so hard to please, or for being ignorant of my tragedy. It's a cry for help.

Oh, I've done some dumb shit (some I don't regret)... Walked off campus in a dangerous area looking for trouble, experimented with bravado at unfortunate times to have at least that notoriety to my name, patronizing scholars at a school processional by saluting them, starting a mosh pit at a gospel event (they had it coming anyway...), trying to overcome a fear of badly injuring myself, fancied suicides, being murdered or becoming psychotic... I'm sure most of us have some awesome track records. I'm not quite as impulsive anymore, but it resurfaces, mostly only mentally. I keep it from becoming physical as much as possible.

The struggles can make you appreciate the overlooked side of ignominy, as you become acquainted with feeling so shameful. That's a saving grace of near destruction & disintegration. It is worth it to have one's eyes opened to how humans truly do fail to be humane conventionally, but I could never recommend the psychological distress. You lose yourself pieces at a time.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Totally relate. I don't always give into the impulses, or not fully. Sometimes it's acting out, other times, a withdrawal just as destructive. It can stem from anything as simple as boredom to extreme frustration with life. The "throw it all to hell" attitude seems to be born out of a major devaluation of everything, including myself. Or it's a misguided attempt to feel in control of something. I will feel like, " I need something to change RIGHT NOW."

I've gotten better at exercising patience and acting on my principles over moods. I've never done anything too crazy either. I think being a rather withdrawn introvert saves me there.
That describes it perfectly. That control part is something that I actually never though of, and now that I think about it, that probably has to do with my urges, also. Thanks for your insight. And I haven't done anything too crazy, either. Mostly I've responded to these kinds of urges by turning the frustration inwards and harming myself, either in the form of self-injury (which thankfully I've only engaged in a few times in the past couple years) or getting high (which thankfully I've calmed down a lot with as I've gotten older). It's still annoying to have the thoughts, though.
 

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Discussion Starter #9 (Edited)
Let's see...

I need to desperately apologize to this guy.. I don't care if I speed past 55 mph and hurt someone as long as I apologize for this other thing.
I am going to the city to end my life. The amount of gasoline does not matter because there will not be a trip back because I plan to die (fail).
Failing my classes doesn't matter.. I plan on dying anyways (fail)
I'm going to take this jumping rope and hang myself in the garage and whether or not I leave a dent from sitting on my mothers car to do it doesn't matter. (fail)
I am going to steal this guy's tool instead of ask a teacher where my lost one could be because I give up and I highly doubt I could ever amount to something in the eyes of the world.
I am going to abandon this place where I stole the item from because now I feel I am causing trouble for people.
I am going to take my bookbag and stuff my art into it in the middle of the night and walk to the nearest dumpster with no concern whatsoever that I am causing trouble for the teacher who thinks I'm doing criminal mischief. It just didn't deserve to be put into a box labeled fragile handle with care.
I'm going to take staples off of the board and clean it because maybe the inanimate objects will feed my need for love that I don't get from humans.
I will take these caterpillars in the alley and make a home for them at home.. maybe I can use my lavalamp light to keep them warm (same idea as above)
I am going to repetitively accessorize my body with nice outfits and draw attention to the fact that I have body insecurities.
I don't want to cause people problems.. I must make sure I sit next to no one.. oops by doing this I have caused problems because I stole someone's chair and moved around consistently like a mad hatter.. causing him to sigh..
Something like this..
Wow, that was really deep and personal, thanks for sharing. I've felt similarly to that so many times in my life. It's good to know somebody else has the same type of thought processes
 
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