In Constant Search of a Mentor

GalaxyGazer said:

Throughout my entire life, up until a few years ago, I had this need to be someone's "right hand" person. I never knew why, but the desire was just there. It was definitely not a romantic or sexual thing. I don't think it was a parental thing either, since my parents are still together and have never been absent from my life. This was in its own category of human relations.

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Yep, plain as day. These are "Pagely" qualities, a tendency to seek out a higher authority, someone with qualities you adore, approval you want, attention you seek. You want to serve them and make them happy, because then you feel happy as a result. Pages were basically young (male) squires/servants that served a Knight's every need back in ye olde medieval days. It seems irrational to have this tendency to want to attach to something greater than you, but it's actually fairly normal. You learn from them, they are your idols, you take their good qualities (and sometimes bad) and incorporate these into yourself. I used to be just like you, so I can detail this.

GalaxyGazer said:

I first noticed it when I was in first or second grade. I had pretty bad anxiety even then, so I had short meetings with the school counselor. She just had this quality about her that amazed me. I would always be really excited to see her, to the point where I felt shy/embarrassed about how excited I was.

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Anxiety = horrible. No anxiety around counselor = good. She became your object of affection and awe, and ultimately something young you idealized and learned from. Her calming presence to your brain was counteracting the anxiety, so it was hard to stay away from. Another Pagely quality.

GalaxyGazer said:

I'd had crushes on cute boys, I'd tried really hard to get some of the popular girls to be friends with me, but this was entirely different.

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Gotta get that approval lass, gotta be seen as fitting in. You were really young, so no one will blame you for it. You were either the popular one, trying to get with the popular ones in some way, or you hated/rebelled against the popular ones. You found your niche and your Pagely qualities amplified this.

GalaxyGazer said:

When I first met my martial arts instructor (from ages 12 to like 16), I got the same feeling. More than anything, I wanted his approval. It was all I cared about for 4 friggin years. I actually planned on not going to college, and just teaching martial arts once I got good enough. After classes, I wouldn't want to do anything except sit/lay down and reflect on how much I loved being there. It didn't make sense to me back then, and it doesn't now. (Also, I left the class when I was the only one left and I saw that it was going nowhere. I also felt like I was being used. It took all of my strength to walk away, but I knew I had to).

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Another great example of your Pagely qualities in effect. You must have his approval to feel valid and gain a sense of accomplishment, you need to serve him in order to fulfill your purpose. He was your Knight, and you were his Page. Batman and Robin. Older brother-younger sister sibling relationships. New member of groups. It's typical. It's also a good thing you were aware of the exploitation near the end before it became toxic, good call.

GalaxyGazer said:

It was to a much lesser degree, but I got the same feelings of admiration for one of the people in my D&D group when I was in high school. I just always wanted to impress this person for some reason. That didn't last long, since I sort of faded away from the two friends who encouraged me to join the group in the first place, and going after that would have been awkward. But I still remember that same intense nervous-excitement

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Another good example of looking someone to serve and glorify. It's irrational, but in the mindset it's crucial towards growth. You can't become better until your Knight says "it's good." You lost your connection with the Knight and all of sudden it's a shakeup. What to do now?

GalaxyGazer said:

That desire has pretty much fizzled out. When I started dating my first serious (and current) boyfriend, I had to grow up a lot, which required a lot of self-discovery. I started focusing on who I was, instead of focusing on another person's needs. I developed new hobbies/interests and developed a refined sense of self. Although my boyfriend is 5 years older than me, I don't see him in this mentor-ish light in any way. He is strictly a romantic partner and a friend.

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You broke away from your Pagely qualities, but not due to a traumatic event thankfully, but due to the natural progression of self. You woke up to yourself one day and realized you need to work on making yourself better instead of pleasing someone else. You found a new road that opened up to you, and left your people-pleasing attitude on the path behind it. It's natural, and interesting to read quite frankly.

GalaxyGazer said:

Recently, I watched the Saw series. I was amazed at how much I identified with Amanda Young, John Kramer's accomplice who idolizes him the way I've idolized several people throughout my life. I read that she is an ISFP, and I think I am very likely an ISFP, so I am starting to think this might be type-related. I have also heard that this can be an enneatype 6 thing (I believe I am 6w7). If anyone has any ideas or has experienced this, themselves, please give some insight. It would be interesting to know if there are others who have had this "issue" or why I might have had it.

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I used to be just like you actually, always following a person who I idolized due to their qualities and who they were. I realized that I wanted to become something like them, I actually have several people in my life like that right now, but slowly you realize that all the time you wasted looking at someone else with open eyes, you really should have spent more time refining yourself. I like astrophysics, astronomy, cosmology, sociology, psychology, data analysis, knowledgeable people. I'm naturally attracted to these topics so I try to make myself better in them. You were naturally looking up to people due to some qualities that marveled your brain, so you served them. It's an easy way to get close. But after a while you break way, and find your own path. Good to hear you have become your own Knight though. I'm a Mage :tongue:.