[foxglove]

So the last girl I loved was my best friend and dating another guy (at the time my friend). Two years ago she had liked me and confessed to me, but I rejected her because I liked her and another girl at the time, she then told me to tell her if I ever liked her in the future. So a few months later she gets with my friend and dated him for the next 2 years. One day I find on her blog that she's thinking about breaking up with him and feels 'unworthy' to be his girlfriend. Fast forward to the present, now we had just started talking again due to her boyfriend's (who is insanely insecure and jealous) selfish request and while we are all hanging out we get to talking about our other friend's wedding that was coming up, after a few laughs and an exchange of words, she asks if I would marry her. So I just laugh it off and later tell her that she shouldn't have asked such an important question so casually, she then gets mad at me and tells me that we shouldn't be friends anymore, so I ask her if she would meet up with me to talk. We meet up, she tells me I'm her best friend, kisses me and tells me she's breaking up with him, I tell her to think about it and make sure she's making the right decision, we talk on the phone for hours during the week and the next week she goes to Hawaii with him and his family and tells me that she won't be breaking up with him, and that I'm just a friend to her. I keep my cool and tell her that if that's what she wants to do, then do it, and that I'm happy if she's happy. Her boyfriend then finds out that she had kissed me and breaks up with her. The boyfriend calls me and tells me that I should comfort her, so I go to her place and after much debate with the boyfriend to try and convince him to change his mind, I stay with her for the night. For the next couple days or so we hang out and do things that any friends would do because I'm not trying to make her my girlfriend, I mean she had JUST broken up with her ex. One night when I'm playing poker I get a call and obviously she had been crying, she asks me if I can come over so I tell her that I'll be there right after I finish this game. She says ok but when I call her later she doesn't pick up, and she's not sleeping. Later I receive a text saying that she wants to talk. So we meet up the next day and she tells me that she's not giving up on her ex and that in order for them to work out, I need to be out of the picture, and tells me that we can't talk anymore. So again I say fine and leave. A few weeks later we see each other at the wedding reception (for the friends who were getting married) and she's all by herself, she compliments my outfit and asks me how i'm doing, I say that I'm doing ok and she looks cold so I offer her my jacket, she refuses and then tells me that she's going to go inside (we are on a cruise btw). So I've been avoiding her like the plague and we haven't talked/seen each other in a few weeks.

Questions:
A. Should I have not rejected her in the first place?
B. Did I make a mistake in meeting up with her to keep our friendship?
C. Should I have been more honest/forceful of my feelings instead of trying to 'please' her and letting her do what she wanted?
D. Any other mistakes?

It's kind of long and boring so thanks for reading/answering

 

[CuritadeRana]

Avoid like the black plague is what I would say.....they sound like one of those on again off again couples who frustrate and confuse everyone around them to no end. You should be with someone who is sure about you and you are sure about them. Somewhere deep inside you I sense you feel somewhat like this or else you would have left in mid-game to attend to her but you didn't. I probably would have done the same.

 

[Icarus]

The past is over so don't worry about if this had happened...
If you like her be open to the idea.

I don't know I not one who should be give relationship advice lol:mellow:

 

[CuritadeRana]

The past is over so don't worry about if this had happened...
If you like her be open to the idea.

I don't know I not one who should be give relationship advice lol:mellow:

LOL...I feel the same way about myself and yet sometimes pearls of wisdom fall from our lips from all the sand we have had to ingest over the years :laughing:

 

[curious0610]

I don't think you should dwell on what you could've done in the past or the other "mistakes" you made. Live life with no regrets! Personally, I think you should give yourself some distance and space; it's hard to look at the situation when you're directly in it, but things seem clearer when you take a step back, sort out your thoughts, and come back. It doesn't have to be a long time or anything, but maybe taking a day off, spending it alone, doing something you find relaxing and whatnot. If I were in your situation, I'd stay away for a bit -- honestly, the dynamics seem really unstable.

 

[foxglove]

Thanks to everyone who's responded, just wanted to see your guys' reactions. I've come to the same conclusion more or less and have taken some time away by myself.

 

[ertertwert]

I think you handled the situation as best as you could. And it's not over yet. Just keep doing what you are doing. Maybe she'll see the light. Maybe not. But sounds like you know what you are doing so just keep doing it?

 

[foxglove]

Haha I don't know what I'm doing though... she's one of the only people who I can't "read" so I can't do what I do normally and "play" off their moves. If you know what I mean.

Also I think she's an ESTP.

 

[nikkii]

If you really like her, Help her figure out why she's having trouble with him so they can reslove it and If they can't you tried and You will have a better idea about what is going on.

Or

The easy way is to just let them be and try to move on.

 

[Unicorntopia]

Sucks being on the butt end of someone who can't make up their mind.:dry:

 

[SphereOfSilence]

I suck at relationship but it does seem she wanted you to go for her...but I don't know.

 

[Seraphina]

1. If the object of your desire is dating someone else, she shouldn't be lining up her next boyfriend. That is probably a pattern that continues through many relationships and it wouldn't be in your best interest.
2. If the object of your desire is dating your good friend, that object is strictly off-limits. No-no. No buts.
3. If you mess around with her, you may lose two friendships. Is a roll in the hay worth the price of two friendships? What are the long term consequences? Is she your FRIEND because of who she is, or your friend because she's hot and you want ..... Think with the upper head and your heart.

 

[Kalifornia310]

wow, i kinda got lost for a moment and then had to reread the thread, BUT you seem like a really patient and good fella,

if you like her, be there for her as a friend, i wouldnt rush anything, since your avoiding her like the plaque i dont know what to do here, i would meet her somewhere and talk with her, does she know how you feel about her?

i didnt see anywhere in the thread of you expressing your love for her.

that would be a good starting point.
hope it works out for you!

 

[StevieRay]

I hope you do forgive me for chiming in; I feel compelled to share my observation. I don't know what the nature of her relationship with her boyfriend is or how involved/intimate they are so if I am off base here do tell me. I have seen girls (in the past) that are in a relationship go from one relationship to another that resembles a terrible cycle. They usually know that the relationship they are in isn't right but usually don't want to face the pain of being lonely, hurt rejected whatever might be going through their mind; I see this typically with unbalanced extroverts... So before they 'jump ship' they make sure they have someone to fill that void; it is very selfish and is not healthy.

The easiest way for me to explain this all is in the form of an anology... We will liken people to various woods out there that make instruments or furniture (they come in shapes and sizes). When a carpenter glues two pieces together there has to be a time of "curing" once the glue is set. The joints have to be sanded smooth and refined to fit snugly with its counterpart before applying the glue... When done properly the joint can hold up for a lifetime; hence a good relationship between two people... What you see now days is more shoddy attempts at this craft with an impatient attitude. The pattern I mentioned above is like one piece being glued to another but then taken off and on because the piece can't make up their mind to who they want to be joined to... Depending on the stage of glue the result can leave splinters on other pieces and thus yielding a piece that needs to be notched and sanded again (takes time)...

People that use that vicious cycle remind me of a piece of wood that doesn't go through the time after a relationship split to refine themselves and become whole again without another person. These people usually become a reduced version of themselves or a shadow of their former self; something one should not bring to a relationship if you want it to have a chance... I think the trick is trying to see if you join to someone else real well without the glue (sex). Those kind of relationships may require a bit of sanding but not to much as to compromise what that piece is. The stakes don't become high this way and relationship if done well takes time to unfold at a natural pace.. These are just my opinions and I don't impose them on anyone else; it's the way I see it just from my experience and past screw ups.

I think you did the right thing: one cannot be naive to think that someone acting flaky with another person won't act flaky with you...

 

[cyamitide]

She is developing feelings for one guy while being in relationship with another, and she is not sure whom she really wants. She lashes at herself first for it by feeling unworthy then lashes out at you. She just needs more time to figure herself out. She is working towards understanding what she needs and wants better which is a good sign.

You are also not sure what you want and insecure in yourself as a better match than that other guy she was with. First you say you love her, then you start showering her with doubts about breaking up with her boyfriend. Let her make the choice for herself and don't make it any more difficult for her by adding your own doubts on top of hers. Even if you are doing this to make her happy and not feel guilty about yourself later, imagine if the guy is really wrong for a girl you like. In this case you making her doubt her judgement in breaking up with him would ultimately do her no good. It is best to tell her that you only wish for her to be happy, but that this choice really stands after her. This way you don't sway her either direction.

You also need better communication skills. When she broke up with her ex and you felt it would not be good to make her your girlfriend, you should have communicated this to her, told her that you have feelings for her but that you want her to give time to be alone and emotionally recover from the break up. Remember that your reasoning is not evident to other people, and unless you communicate to others your best intentions can be seen in a negative light. You probably just pulled away and started acting more aloof, which made her think "hmm perhaps I was wrong about him" and so she started thinking about restarting relationship with her ex.

Have hope though it sounds like you can still correct the situation. What I would do in your place is write out my feelings on a piece of paper to give them more consistency and clarity then call her up on the phone and formulate to her how I feel. Then it would really depend on her reaction.

 

[foxglove]

wow, i kinda got lost for a moment and then had to reread the thread, BUT you seem like a really patient and good fella,

if you like her, be there for her as a friend, i wouldnt rush anything, since your avoiding her like the plaque i dont know what to do here, i would meet her somewhere and talk with her, does she know how you feel about her?

i didnt see anywhere in the thread of you expressing your love for her.

that would be a good starting point.
hope it works out for you!

There was a point a year ago that I told her, and in the end she decided to stay with the other guy.

You are also not sure what you want and insecure in yourself as a better match than that other guy she was with. First you say you love her, then you start showering her with doubts about breaking up with her boyfriend. Let her make the choice for herself and don't make it any more difficult for her by adding your own doubts on top of hers. Even if you are doing this to make her happy and not feel guilty about yourself later, imagine if the guy is really wrong for a girl you like. In this case you making her doubt her judgement in breaking up with him would ultimately do her no good. It is best to tell her that you only wish for her to be happy, but that this choice really stands after her. This way you don't sway her either direction.

You also need better communication skills. When she broke up with her ex and you felt it would not be good to make her your girlfriend, you should have communicated this to her, told her that you have feelings for her but that you want her to give time to be alone and emotionally recover from the break up. Remember that your reasoning is not evident to other people, and unless you communicate to others your best intentions can be seen in a negative light. You probably just pulled away and started acting more aloof, which made her think "hmm perhaps I was wrong about him" and so she started thinking about restarting relationship with her ex.

Have hope though it sounds like you can still correct the situation. What I would do in your place is write out my feelings on a piece of paper to give them more consistency and clarity then call her up on the phone and formulate to her how I feel. Then it would really depend on her reaction.

I didn't want her to break up with him because of me, so I told her to make the decision as if I wasn't there. Also I did tell her about my feelings and told her that if she were to breakup with him, we wouldn't date for at least a year. But good to know that I'm not missing too many things...

 

[foxglove]

and you're right, I do need better communication skills.

 

[Unicorntopia]

and you're right, I do need better communication skills.

You are not the only one. I apparently need to work on this more too.

 

[Kalifornia310]

There was a point a year ago that I told her, and in the end she decided to stay with the other guy.

well then at this point i would say srew her, let her fall off the cruise ship.... there are millions of other chicks that you'd be compatible with. :wink:

 

[cyamitide]

I didn't want her to break up with him because of me, so I told her to make the decision as if I wasn't there. Also I did tell her about my feelings and told her that if she were to breakup with him, we wouldn't date for at least a year. But good to know that I'm not missing too many things...

From what I read of some psychology studies on relationships on average it takes people 3-4 months to move on emotionally. A year imho is too much space/time. It may take us INFJs exceptionally long time to do some introspections, heal, and move on, because we are so emotionally sensitive, but for other personality types it takes less time. For extraverted types like ENxPs it is actually best to start searching for new relationship within 3 months. They feel much less lonely and much happier this way. Myself on average I start feeling lonely and looking for new relationship with somebody available for emotional bonding that I feel that I need after spending approximately half a year of doing my own thing. I have noted that my girlfriends, especially more extraverted types, spend much less time on this and some of them even start dating exact same month after breaking up which is inconceivable for me. But I can also understand them because they just feel much more lonely than me out of relationship.