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HI

Just wanna know what you INFP's particularly the male INFP's have to say about being assertive. I have an understanding that generally its expected of the guys to be more assertive and to make the decisions in a relationship. Being more assertive, more decisive, more leadership and more courage.

Personally I see un-calculated assertiveness and decisiveness very pig headed. The saying "its not about making the right decision, but making A decision" or something like that, makes me think of all the bad decisions made by human nature and justified by anything we can find. When approaching a decision, I like to take in every bit of information and understand it completely before acting. I'm definitely a heavy Perceiver. THe only trouble is the opportunity to make a decision passes before I decide.

Please if any other INFP males or anyone else that has some insight on this I'd like to read about. I'm currently in a situation where my love interest (ESFJ) feels I'm not taking lead.
 
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I don't like being assertive. Furthermore, it seems that most of the time... its not really being assertive, but being used. Being pressured into being assertive makes me nothing more than a tool for whoever/whatever is pressuring me. I am assertive only when I feel like being so. I take a bit of time to make my decisions when it comes to something I consider important, and I won't be pushed into a hasty conclusion. As for the guy "taking the lead..." If it is a constant desire from the other party, I would have a huge problem with it. I don't like being used and manipulated, and such a situation screams it to me. They are fully capable of taking the lead as well, imposing some fanciful ideal onto me is no better than me imposing mine onto them!

I would just talk to the person and tell her how things are. If she is going to like you, its better off the way you are... and not the way she wants you to be.
 

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I think it's about..balance. Don't be too controlling when you're being assertive....but don't be too contemplative until there is lack of decision. Be firm, but be considerate.

Indecision can be a painful process to go through.
 

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It's something I do easily, because I feel I have more control of a situation that way, and I dig having control, but as far as dating goes, being too assertive establishes the wrong kind of dynamic - I don't want to be with a ridiculously subby girl ever again. So I'm toning it down these days. The problem is, you get less action if you're just waiting around to be noticed. :dry:
 
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I used to be very passive, but I rarely accomplished much. It also just turned into being passive aggressive at times, which some feel may be the worst kind of aggression.

Anyways, I'm fairly assertive now. I'll say "let's go ____________" to some sort of random adventure and the girly will always be like ARE YOU CRAZY!? Of course, they'll end up coming (*smirk*) and have extra pip to their step as we do it. Of course they have this false sense of shaking their heads, but deep down they're completely into it.

Overall, I used to be paranoid about taking control of things, mainly because I believe I'm very considerate in a lead role. However, to justify myself taking the reigns, I ensure I know the person very well and in that sense, I always have their best thoughts in mind. I don't always pick out things that -I- want to do, but rather things I think they will enjoy. Fuck, I can't believe I had to go sit and watch Twilight with the girly.

Regardless, I know I have good intentions and while I may make errors of judgment from time to time, I still have their interests at heart. So, my assertiveness is a combination of my desires and their quieter voice. Win win, really.
 
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assertitive ness i mean yeah say what you want and make your expectations clear, but just keep them as being requests
 

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There's a time and a place to be assertive, and there's a time where passiveness is key. You have to know when the time is right. I'd prefer to be passive at first, but when the time comes to stand up for what I think/believe in, then chances are I will exhibit assertiveness backed up by passion. I don't like everything to be one sided all the time.

One doesn't always have to be the assertive one in a relationship because they're male. I'm sick of people always expecting that. And just because someone isn't assertive, doesn't make them weak.
 

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I think everybody has their own personally developed conception of what being assertive is based on their understanding of the word, and situations they have been in. Having the ability to be assertive is a good thing. I have felt much happier about my friendships since I have chosen to be more assertive. So here is what I mean by assertive:
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Speaking directly about what is on your mind and stifling word games like "I just thought that maybe" and "I don't know if you'd want to, but" and to stop giving suggestive ideas and preferences through indirect questions and comments. People will become suspicious of you when you do those things.

Make plain your stance or beliefs, without frosting them with words that people will like just to avoid disagreement.

Don't let other people make decisions for you. Sometimes it's good to let others decide in situations where both people's interests are involved, but when it comes to moral decisions, or decisions that revolve around you specifically, they are your decisions - enjoy making them.

Sometimes there are exceptions, when someone else's feelings or well-being is involved, or a disagreement is bound to cause significant problems. When keeping perspective in mind, and people's well-being as a priority, being an assertive person is liberating.

Example situation of Assertiveness:

Here is an example of a situation where assertiveness could be used, even though it would be uncomfortable. Say that you are in college, and you and 4 other people are working on a project for a physics class. As you are working together, one of the members of your group, Bradley, suggests adding something to the project, something that is actually a really amazing idea, and everyone goes, "Yeah! Good idea, Bradley" (Back slaps are given for the beaming Bradley). However, you are aware that this addition to the project would actually lead to deducted points on your assignment, but the others haven't picked up on this. You've seen the excitement, and the series of backslaps doled out for Bradley...do you really want to speak up about this now? Why not just let it go...it's just a few points...why stir the waters and maybe embarrass yourself?

But you decide to assert yourself. You speak up, "Hey, you guys, wait for a second here. From what I read in the syllabus last week the teacher made it clear that she doesn't want (blank blank blank) in our projects, and that there will be a deduction." Bradley, quick to defend his ascended honor proclaims, "No, that's something completely different. That isn't what she meant. It'll be completely fine, trust me." But you know for certain it would be a problem, so you say, "I really do like the idea, Bradley, but I'm not willing to have the points deducted. We need to think of something else."

The group pours out a chorus of groans over you, and someone calls you a pansy, but the group lets it go and continues to brainstorm. The project is finished 2 days later, and everyone looks at it and says, "This turned out pretty well." But someone says, "Yeah, but it would have been way better if it weren't for (Blank) over here." Then, during class, the projects are presented, and you all watch as the project group before you presents their project, and to your amazement, they tried Bradley's idea, and mid-presentation the teacher says to them, "Your group will be deducted for the (blank blank blank). Didn't any of you actually read the syllabus?" One of your project members glances over at you with big eyes and raised eyebrows, makes a "whew" look with her mouth, and gives you a thumbs up. Assertiveness...for the win!

(Of course, not all situations end up well.)
 

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Sometimes being assertive don't work with some people. Then it is time to become aggressive. I dislike being aggressive but I get that way if am pushed to far. When I get in that state it means I have had enough. Which I rarely get in that state.
 

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HI

Just wanna know what you INFP's particularly the male INFP's have to say about being assertive. I have an understanding that generally its expected of the guys to be more assertive and to make the decisions in a relationship. Being more assertive, more decisive, more leadership and more courage.

Personally I see un-calculated assertiveness and decisiveness very pig headed. The saying "its not about making the right decision, but making A decision" or something like that, makes me think of all the bad decisions made by human nature and justified by anything we can find. When approaching a decision, I like to take in every bit of information and understand it completely before acting. I'm definitely a heavy Perceiver. THe only trouble is the opportunity to make a decision passes before I decide.

Please if any other INFP males or anyone else that has some insight on this I'd like to read about. I'm currently in a situation where my love interest (ESFJ) feels I'm not taking lead.
i'm not exactly who you are looking for to provide you an answer. however i feel free to comment anyways. id like my boyfriend to be infp too, like me. making a decision will result in consequences, 'think before you speak' is a common known quote which is so true. it may be respected of men to be assertive, but men like that function as simple doers not philosophic thinkers. the mainstream is simple doers... regarding all the bad dicisions there have been made - that i believe is because the ego of the man, not being patient and because we as people are imperfect...
 
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