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Hey guys,

Christmas is just around the corner. I am 42 years old and this is going to be my first Christmas alone....ever.

4 months ago I finished the relationship with the mother of my son. We had been together for 22 years on and off. Things came to a head, she pressured me to talk at a really vulnerable time for me and I let all the shit come out. So game over. It should have happened a long time before...we had been making each other miserable for years, but I drowned it out with prescription drugs and booze, and she just constantly complained at me. Until that fateful day that I was sober and exploded.

Around the same time I met somebody else. An unbelievable girl. There was an instant otherworldly type connection that we both felt. I have never felt anything like that, and to be honest now do not want to feel anything like that again. We were together a very short time then she had to go back to her home, in another country. We stayed in contact every day, even getting to the point of saying we loved each other. Then from one day to the next she decided it was an impossible situation and all she could offer was friendship. I didn´t want that but went along with it in the vain hope that it could get back to how it was.

Fast forward to yesterday. She insisted on something that I had told her hurts me and instead of saying sorry and don´t worry I won´t do that again if it bothers you, she said she was concerned that I was still holding out for romance, that she doesn´t want that, and for the sensitive issue no sorry just a "you should sort that out, it´s not healthy".

Today I told her goodbye. I said that the situation was making me feel weak at a time when I need to be strong for me and for my son. That I couldn´t go on pretending I was OK with just friends, and especially if she couldn´t stop rubbing salt in the sensitive issue. I said that I can´t be what she wants me to be for her in detriment to my own needs and what I want from her that she won´t give. To finish I said that if she needs a shoulder to cry on, or somebody to vent frustrations that I will always be here, but I can´t do the jokey funny everyday friend stuff anymore.

As I wrote it I imagined feeling being free, liberated, ready to get my life back on track. Instead I just feel like crying. I have cried a few times over the past months, but today I feel an overwhelming need to break down. I did what I think I needed to do, but it feels more wrong than right at this moment.

I hate feeling like this. I have had moments of being down in the past, but nothing like this. I am now totally alone. I don´t know where my life is going and I am sat here in a rented flat listening to a depression mix on Youtube.

I have to get out of here. I am not going to be handle this feeling for long. Please, if somebody can offer some advice or words of wisdom, I am all ears.

Thanks
 

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Welcome and I'm sorry you're dealing with this stuff. I bet you have been devoted to those you are in love and also to your son and we all really hate being alone. My first advice is to have fun clicking around and reading everyone's messages and also post if you'd like. It might be fun to find out there are ENFPs just like you. However, I'll warn you now, most people on are in their 20's--- I didn't know this for a while. I'm 41--- I'm just here to tell everyone things are going to work out! Also, it's pretty therapeutic to talk about my ENFP ideas.
My second advice is to get a game plan for Christmas. Contact a relative or friend you haven't talked to for a while and see if you can get yourself back in one of those circles.
My advice is to devote some love to yourself by sticking up for your needs. Now, you've done that. Twice, actually. It's tough right now, but ultimately you may get closer to what you actually want, I think. Keep doing this until it seems like second nature to you and you're able to find someone who treats you well.
 

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Welcome and I'm sorry you're dealing with this stuff. I bet you have been devoted to those you are in love and also to your son and we all really hate being alone. My first advice is to have fun clicking around and reading everyone's messages and also post if you'd like. It might be fun to find out there are ENFPs just like you. However, I'll warn you now, most people on are in their 20's--- I didn't know this for a while. I'm 41--- I'm just here to tell everyone things are going to work out! Also, it's pretty therapeutic to talk about my ENFP ideas.
My second advice is to get a game plan for Christmas. Contact a relative or friend you haven't talked to for a while and see if you can get yourself back in one of those circles.
My advice is to devote some love to yourself by sticking up for your needs. Now, you've done that. Twice, actually. It's tough right now, but ultimately you may get closer to what you actually want, I think. Keep doing this until it seems like second nature to you and you're able to find someone who treats you well.
Thanks for taking the time to reply. I devote myself totally to those I love, amd sometimes I wish I didn't. Also I fall in love really easily which doesn't help.

I am British, but live in a small place in middle of nowhere Spain. The mother of child is Spanish and we came to live here a long time ago. So I do not have any family that are close. My mum, sister and niece are coming to stay next week foe a couple of days, but I'm not really that excited about having my judgmental know-all sister here at the moment. As for friends I have a few and even some who have offered for me to go and eat with their families for Christmas and New Years Eve. But I dont think I will feel comfortable encroaching on other people's families.

And yeah, I have stuck up for my needs now twice in rather quick succession, but in the back of my mind is the hurt I am causing along the way. My ex still loved me and I am sure would have wanted us to try and work through the problems (once again and with neither of us trying) and the girl I said goodbye to is in a hard situation at home and I was her escape from that. So I konw she is going to be hurting too.

In both situations I could just feel my heart breaking a bit more each day. So I had to cut those things off. And now all I feel is emptiness and hurt, and worry for those who are also hurting. I think in the long run I have done the right thing to try and get my life back on track as soon as possible and to go back to my normal happy-go-lucky self. But right now it all seems so wrong.
 

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I wish I know what to say but I really have not experienced anything like the issue you are experiencing.

It sounds like you want to go back to the UK? Find a place that you can settle in and find yourself again but as there is your boy in the picture I don't know if that's possible. That's for you to work out.

I do know that you have to find a way to focus on yourself. Find a way to claim your home as yours, connect with new people, find hobbies... It's not that easy, I know it isn't but you have to stay active, I think or you will get stuck in a routine and that routine will include this depression.
 

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Do one thing for me: go book a counsellor.

You lack a support system. As I've said before- all a counsellor is, is a method of support system except that they are very very good at it. If I were rich I would have one weekly even if I were feeling great, because psychological strength is NOT about black and white, and it is about shades of grey. This is why it will always be worth booking a counsellor when money/circumstance allows because their purpose is to give you a tune-up in mental health/perspective, not to "cure" you of anything.

They aren't doctors. One of my fellow english teachers in Korea when I was TEFLing there actually went to a weekly counsellor she paid for- she was a very stable person as far as I could tell. She actually got a bunch of our co-teachers to try the same, yet they were all really confident people, probably more stable than most of the general people I meet at home now in fact. I didn't partake, possibly because I saw it as a gender divide, but I could also see the benefits of it.

I've previously used one-off counselling sessions where a build up of stresses has been released in one session and I committed to come back but never actually needed to. Do it- Counselling is a theraputic method along the same lines as massage, just 10x more value. Especially when you can pinpoint your issues and concerns as you can.
 

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I wish I know what to say but I really have not experienced anything like the issue you are experiencing.

It sounds like you want to go back to the UK? Find a place that you can settle in and find yourself again but as there is your boy in the picture I don't know if that's possible. That's for you to work out.

I do know that you have to find a way to focus on yourself. Find a way to claim your home as yours, connect with new people, find hobbies... It's not that easy, I know it isn't but you have to stay active, I think or you will get stuck in a routine and that routine will include this depression.
I like living in Spain. Here I have been able to be myself, open and loving. In the UK I always felt a bit out of place. But anyway, even I did want to go back, as you say, I can´t. My son is only 5 and there is no way I am going to screw up his life by becoming an absent father. Apart from the fact I oculdn´t even contemplate not being near him.

I am trying to write and record music again, but it is a struggle. The motivation is there one minute then gone the next. After Xmas I am going to start exercising again and maybe even try and sign up to some sort of sports club or something like that to try and meet new people. I have some friends here but hey all have families and their own shit to deal with.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Do one thing for me: go book a counsellor.

You lack a support system. As I've said before- all a counsellor is, is a method of support system except that they are very very good at it. If I were rich I would have one weekly even if I were feeling great, because psychological strength is NOT about black and white, and it is about shades of grey. This is why it will always be worth booking a counsellor when money/circumstance allows because their purpose is to give you a tune-up in mental health/perspective, not to "cure" you of anything.

They aren't doctors. One of my fellow english teachers in Korea when I was TEFLing there actually went to a weekly counsellor she paid for- she was a very stable person as far as I could tell. She actually got a bunch of our co-teachers to try the same, yet they were all really confident people, probably more stable than most of the general people I meet at home now in fact. I didn't partake, possibly because I saw it as a gender divide, but I could also see the benefits of it.

I've previously used one-off counselling sessions where a build up of stresses has been released in one session and I committed to come back but never actually needed to. Do it- Counselling is a theraputic method along the same lines as massage, just 10x more value. Especially when you can pinpoint your issues and concerns as you can.
A few years back after a really bad breakdown I ended up in a psychologist. I suppose it helped to talk, but I am not sure about the advice they give out. I split from the mother of my child one time 7 years back and basically wallowed in self pity and loneliness for 6 months, until I bit the bullet and went back to the psychologist. I had convinced myself I wanted to go back to her, and as we ENFP´s can convince people of pretty much anything, she was convinced and the counselling sesions became how to get into shape mentally to get my ex back. We should have never got back together but my loneliness convinced me it was right.

I am worried that this time around I will end up in a simliar state with a psychologist. I think my mind is too open to suggestions at the moment for me to be able to filter bullshit and stupidity. I don´t want to go back down that road. Maybe if I go and tell them look, I feel like this, don´t want to go back, please help me move forward?
 

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I don't know how many therapists have an approach of telling people what to do when it goes against what the patient wants. I mean, I know what you mean, sometimes I need people to less agree with me and help me work out how to do what I'm saying I'll do and more just shake me forcibly and say "What are you doing? That's stupid!" But I'm sure therapists would see that as unprofessional mostly because they'll get blamed if it blows up.

As for your creative outlets go for it, hope they work out. I know depression can do one of two things: (1) Demotivate you so you drop the projects or (2) Inspire and fuel your creativity. I hope it's the latter. If not, find it?
 

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I don't know how many therapists have an approach of telling people what to do when it goes against what the patient wants. I mean, I know what you mean, sometimes I need people to less agree with me and help me work out how to do what I'm saying I'll do and more just shake me forcibly and say "What are you doing? That's stupid!" But I'm sure therapists would see that as unprofessional mostly because they'll get blamed if it blows up.

As for your creative outlets go for it, hope they work out. I know depression can do one of two things: (1) Demotivate you so you drop the projects or (2) Inspire and fuel your creativity. I hope it's the latter. If not, find it?


I am in no state of mind at the moment to really know what I want so I would need a therapist to guide me to a good feeling place, so I can feel like myself again, and then hopefully see things clearly. In the New Year I may have to find one and do a few sessions.

The main frustration at the moment is now knowing where my life goes from here. 4 months ago it was obvious. Live unhappily but with somebody and with my son always close, until the day I died. Now I don´t have a clue and the lack of a path or clear direction is driving me insane. Plus I really don´t like being alone too much as I have too much time to think and just end up going around in circles in my own head.

As for creativity I promised the woman I let go a few days ago that I would record some songs for her Birthday in January. I feel I need to still do it, send her the songs, then I can close that phase of my life. I need to close it. It is holding me back from moving forward.

I decided to watch the movie Pacific Rim yesterday. I really like Charlie Hunnam and read somewhere that his character Raleigh Beckett was ENFP. That was me before (but not half as good looking or masculine hahaha). Optimistic, helping everybody through their struggles, self sacrificing. I need to get back to that me.
 

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I am in no state of mind at the moment to really know what I want so I would need a therapist to guide me to a good feeling place, so I can feel like myself again, and then hopefully see things clearly. In the New Year I may have to find one and do a few sessions.

The main frustration at the moment is now knowing where my life goes from here. 4 months ago it was obvious. Live unhappily but with somebody and with my son always close, until the day I died. Now I don´t have a clue and the lack of a path or clear direction is driving me insane. Plus I really don´t like being alone too much as I have too much time to think and just end up going around in circles in my own head.

As for creativity I promised the woman I let go a few days ago that I would record some songs for her Birthday in January. I feel I need to still do it, send her the songs, then I can close that phase of my life. I need to close it. It is holding me back from moving forward.

I decided to watch the movie Pacific Rim yesterday. I really like Charlie Hunnam and read somewhere that his character Raleigh Beckett was ENFP. That was me before (but not half as good looking or masculine hahaha). Optimistic, helping everybody through their struggles, self sacrificing. I need to get back to that me.
I dunno if this will help at all because it doesn't sound like it's necessarily possible right now but have you discussed living in the same house regardless of still being with your wife? My parents were unconventional. They broke up when I was about 8 but I never saw the impact because they stayed living in the same house so I always had my father there. I'm really grateful for it because whilst we might not be a nuclear family it felt like a loving one to me.

I wish you luck on the therapist search and on the song writing. I hope that's the closure you need.

Charlie Hunnam's character is definitely an ENFP, and yeah, I admire that character a lot too. Definitely the kind of ENFP to strive to be again. Just need patience that things will eventually find their place.
 
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I dunno if this will help at all because it doesn't sound like it's necessarily possible right now but have you discussed living in the same house regardless of still being with your wife? My parents were unconventional. They broke up when I was about 8 but I never saw the impact because they stayed living in the same house so I always had my father there. I'm really grateful for it because whilst we might not be a nuclear family it felt like a loving one to me.

I wish you luck on the therapist search and on the song writing. I hope that's the closure you need.

Charlie Hunnam's character is definitely an ENFP, and yeah, I admire that character a lot too. Definitely the kind of ENFP to strive to be again. Just need patience that things will eventually find their place.

It´s funny you should mention the living again with my Ex as a different type of family. I have been thinking about it alot lately, and even started looking for houses that were big enough to kinda split into two separate living areas. But I don´t have the cash and I don´t think the poor girl could take having me back so close. Plus now that we are apart we actually talk and get on, not like when we were living together where it was permanent reproaches, and when not like that awkward silences.

Regards the songs, Yeah, I hope it gets me closure. I know she is having a really bad time (not because of me) in her life, but I am in too bad a place to be able to turn off my feelings for her and just be a support when she needs it. I know it will destroy me. If I was young and single with no kids I would do it, but my son is the most important person in the world and I have to be healthy for him.

I am definitely going to strive to Raleigh Beckett status. He disappears after a bad, life-changing moment, but comes back even stronger.
 
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