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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
yo. so. I hate making threads like this because I really hate talking about feelings. etc.
anyway, I dated this fella for many a year. one day, he woke up and said he didn't love me anymore, and went on to pursue other people and other things. I was heart-broken, all that jazz. it was a year and a half ago.

recently, I heard from him. he said he wanted to get coffee. so we went and got coffee. now this dude's like a puppy, he wants to be friends with everyone. I told him it's not a good idea, considering TBS could make a sitcom out of our history together. {before we'd started dating, we'd been on and off for the prior two years} and he got really peeved. I got a message later saying that he'd loved me deeply, that I was his most meaningful relationship, that he'd been so connected to me etc and that it hurts him that I don't want him in my life.

and that sparked a hugely emotional discussion that ended rather curtly.

long story short, I'm confused. first of all, I'm considering that I mistyped him--I thought dom-Se was supposed to move on very quickly and now I'm unsure if he did or not--he moved on physically, but I don't know how you guys are emotionally about that sort of thing. because clearly there's still a mess of lingering feelings that could either be addressed, embraced, or ignored--and I'm not sure if that's the norm.

next, my tert Ni is pretty strong; but does inferior Ni make you doubt the decisions you've made in the past?

I'm not exactly looking for advice on what to do; I figure I'll ruminate on it for a while and act in whatever way I feel appropriate. I'm just looking to understand if this fella is actually an ESFP, and if so, the implications of inferior Ni.

grazie
 

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I've been trying to read up on inferior Ni, I definitely notice it in my life. It's how I think something won't work out, or I have a negative view of a new suggestion. This happens when I'm thinking about unknown future or unknown experiences in general. I will intuitively doubt if it'll turn out good.

I don't think it makes us doubt past decisions. If your ex is ESFP, and he's talking to you, you are no longer a past decision. You are a very present very real decision that is happening right now. And he probably swings back and forth with thinking that you two will work out. And then swings back to inferior Ni and imagines how it won't work out. That's how I do it.

I think what he needs is an honest conversation, communicate with eachother. Talk about those feelings and those fears. Talk about how he hurt you when he decided to just end it as well. hmmmm. But if you feel like it's not worth your time, then you don't need to have this conversation(s). It is your job to protect yourself as well. So lend as much trust and time as you want.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I've been trying to read up on inferior Ni, I definitely notice it in my life. It's how I think something won't work out, or I have a negative view of a new suggestion. This happens when I'm thinking about unknown future or unknown experiences in general. I will intuitively doubt if it'll turn out good.

I don't think it makes us doubt past decisions. If your ex is ESFP, and he's talking to you, you are no longer a past decision. You are a very present very real decision that is happening right now. And he probably swings back and forth with thinking that you two will work out. And then swings back to inferior Ni and imagines how it won't work out. That's how I do it.

I think what he needs is an honest conversation, communicate with eachother. Talk about those feelings and those fears. Talk about how he hurt you when he decided to just end it as well. hmmmm. But if you feel like it's not worth your time, then you don't need to have this conversation(s). It is your job to protect yourself as well. So lend as much trust and time as you want.
That was a really interesting perspective, thanks. the thing is, since we're both high Fi-users, neither of us have ever been pros at talking about our feelings =P but I hadn't looked at it that way. I messaged him, and we'll see if anything comes of it. I'm not too concerned, but I'm open. And if not, well, that's life I suppose.
 

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Your ex doesn't sound like a healthy example of an ESFP to me, considering he goes back and forth so much. He could very well be one, though.

To be honest, his whole off-and-on puppy love persona sounds like one of two things: 1) He takes you lightly and goes back to you when he's between lovers, or 2) he's playing with you. I've never looked back on a breakup from my end and thought "wow, I might've messed up, I think I totally love him". I think, if anything, ESFPs are one of the less likely types to doubt our past decisions, as we're able to justify them to ourselves easily.

I have strong Ni for an inferior, though, so I may be slightly different. I can't say whether or not he's an ESFP; I think any type could act this way if unhealthy. If the main thing that confuses you about his dominant is whether or not he moved on, it sounds to me like he did - he just came back to you when he was bored.

I know that you're not looking for advice and are just confused, but I hope you stay away from him. If this guy said he loved you one day and then ditched you randomly the next, he was lying about loving you. People don't just break the heart of someone they love so easily.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Your ex doesn't sound like a healthy example of an ESFP to me, considering he goes back and forth so much. He could very well be one, though.

To be honest, his whole off-and-on puppy love persona sounds like one of two things: 1) He takes you lightly and goes back to you when he's between lovers, or 2) he's playing with you. I've never looked back on a breakup from my end and thought "wow, I might've messed up, I think I totally love him". I think, if anything, ESFPs are one of the less likely types to doubt our past decisions, as we're able to justify them to ourselves easily.

I have strong Ni for an inferior, though, so I may be slightly different. I can't say whether or not he's an ESFP; I think any type could act this way if unhealthy. If the main thing that confuses you about his dominant is whether or not he moved on, it sounds to me like he did - he just came back to you when he was bored.

I know that you're not looking for advice and are just confused, but I hope you stay away from him. If this guy said he loved you one day and then ditched you randomly the next, he was lying about loving you. People don't just break the heart of someone they love so easily.
I do think you've pinned the nail on the head. I'm not too concerned, considering I'm actually moving in a couple months--so I figure the least I can do is hear him out. End game, I'm not really seeing anything bad happening. I think I just like understanding.
 

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I do think you've pinned the nail on the head. I'm not too concerned, considering I'm actually moving in a couple months--so I figure the least I can do is hear him out. End game, I'm not really seeing anything bad happening. I think I just like understanding.
I could help you determine whether he's ESFP or not, but I'd need way more info about him. I definitely wouldn't rule it out though, as I've had similar thought processes as he seems to be having in your introduction.

I don't think that our Ni has much of an effect on our outlook on past decisions; rather, I think it's supposed to mess with our perception of our future. Personally it doesn't seem to hinder my outlook on the future, but I've heard that it is common for ESFPs to get paranoid about what's coming next, or to be uncomfortable with future planning.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I could help you determine whether he's ESFP or not, but I'd need way more info about him. I definitely wouldn't rule it out though, as I've had similar thought processes as he seems to be having in your introduction.

I don't think that our Ni has much of an effect on our outlook on past decisions; rather, I think it's supposed to mess with our perception of our future. Personally it doesn't seem to hinder my outlook on the future, but I've heard that it is common for ESFPs to get paranoid about what's coming next, or to be uncomfortable with future planning.
Sure. It's so interesting, to me, how different tert and inferior Ni are. For me Ni is totally goal-driven. I like understanding things; I'm a little bit of a planner, and my foresight is pretty decent--even if sometimes I ask for trouble, I tend to know what's coming.

As for this fella, he's definitely a ball of energy. But the more I think about it, the more he always liked the idea of being adventurous--I was {and am} more of the do-er--which seems to be more inline with high Se. But he was always a little more security-based, afraid to take a vacation or stray away from work. Still, he's very social. Loves parties, loves going out. Definitely an extrovert. Charming, frequently flirtatious whether he intends to be or not.

But there are things that make me kinda reconsider attributing Se to him. Like, guitar. I've been playing since I was 15 and actually learned the instrument. I hate theory but I like knowing how to play. And I learned. On the other hand, he "knows what sounds good, but doesn't actually know any chords," in his own words. I'm much more athletic, always picking up new sports--always doing something, always moving, interacting with the outside world. He...I dunno. Aside from the party thing, he's a cyclist, but that's about it. A little spacey. I always thought he had low Te because he's a bit of a scatter-brain, losing his keys and dropping his phone. Vice-pres of an environmental organization. Very passionate, but also very sensitive. Somehow I think he's very easily hurt, which kind of surprises me.

Is that too vague? Haha I'm trying lol it's weird trying to type other people and accurately represent them.
 

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Sure. It's so interesting, to me, how different tert and inferior Ni are. For me Ni is totally goal-driven. I like understanding things; I'm a little bit of a planner, and my foresight is pretty decent--even if sometimes I ask for trouble, I tend to know what's coming.

As for this fella, he's definitely a ball of energy. But the more I think about it, the more he always liked the idea of being adventurous--I was {and am} more of the do-er--which seems to be more inline with high Se. But he was always a little more security-based, afraid to take a vacation or stray away from work. Still, he's very social. Loves parties, loves going out. Definitely an extrovert. Charming, frequently flirtatious whether he intends to be or not.

But there are things that make me kinda reconsider attributing Se to him. Like, guitar. I've been playing since I was 15 and actually learned the instrument. I hate theory but I like knowing how to play. And I learned. On the other hand, he "knows what sounds good, but doesn't actually know any chords," in his own words. I'm much more athletic, always picking up new sports--always doing something, always moving, interacting with the outside world. He...I dunno. Aside from the party thing, he's a cyclist, but that's about it. A little spacey. I always thought he had low Te because he's a bit of a scatter-brain, losing his keys and dropping his phone. Vice-pres of an environmental organization. Very passionate, but also very sensitive. Somehow I think he's very easily hurt, which kind of surprises me.

Is that too vague? Haha I'm trying lol it's weird trying to type other people and accurately represent them.
From what you've said he almost sounds like an ENFP to me. I've always attributed my high Se to my being less of a scatterbrain, as I'm always aware of what's around me - I rarely lose things as I can almost feel the energy of something being left behind (if that makes sense?), dropping things is a rarity too. ENFPs have also been known to start projects (like guitar) and not go all the way through with them - Ne also tends to create fans of theory as opposed to Se's affinity for actually doing things. ENFP would also be in line with the whole "socially charming" bit, and is easily confused with Se.

He's very passionate and sensitive... not necessarily a marker for ESFP, but not really for ENFP either. To be extremely driven for one purpose is often associated with strong Fe or Fi, so he could be either or something else. Some of what you're describing also would seem to be minor variations in his character that would stray away from his type, whatever it is.

I'd probably say ENFP at this point.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
From what you've said he almost sounds like an ENFP to me. I've always attributed my high Se to my being less of a scatterbrain, as I'm always aware of what's around me - I rarely lose things as I can almost feel the energy of something being left behind (if that makes sense?), dropping things is a rarity too. ENFPs have also been known to start projects (like guitar) and not go all the way through with them - Ne also tends to create fans of theory as opposed to Se's affinity for actually doing things. ENFP would also be in line with the whole "socially charming" bit, and is easily confused with Se.

He's very passionate and sensitive... not necessarily a marker for ESFP, but not really for ENFP either. To be extremely driven for one purpose is often associated with strong Fe or Fi, so he could be either or something else. Some of what you're describing also would seem to be minor variations in his character that would stray away from his type, whatever it is.

I'd probably say ENFP at this point.
I could see ENFP. Maybe even ESTJ, because he can be very argumentative, and rather emotionally immature. He likes leading causes; but he doesn't pay much attention to details and even though he has a routine, he's not wed to it. So I think ENFP is probably right; inferior Si could make sense too.

As far as Fe goes, he really likes people liking him. But I think, he is invariably himself. He can try to be someone else for a short period of time, but it doesn't bode well with him and he ends up struggling with that. He can moralize, but as my one friend puts it, he argues before he emotes. And I don't think I see any level of Ti in him.
 

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It took me a long time to finally make the decision to break up with my ex-boyfriend, it did take two rounds. The second round, I was firm and never looked back. It was in my mid-twenties when I started feeling (maybe that Ni?) we would not have been compatible to live together forever. To this minute, I still firmly believe it was the best decision I have ever made!

i hope it helps.
and I cannot help not advising (that weak Ni needs to feed its ego, just take a listen and if you find it irrelevant, then disregard it), do not waste time on that guy, even the time trying to understand him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
It took me a long time to finally make the decision to break up with my ex-boyfriend, it did take two rounds. The second round, I was firm and never looked back. It was in my mid-twenties when I started feeling (maybe that Ni?) we would not have been compatible to live together forever. To this minute, I still firmly believe it was the best decision I have ever made!

i hope it helps.
and I cannot help not advising (that weak Ni needs to feed its ego, just take a listen and if you find it irrelevant, then disregard it), do not waste time on that guy, even the time trying to understand him.
mm yeah, I get it.
don't worry, I'm not really the kind of person to waste time on anything. I'm not mournful, merely curious.
and I'm really not concerned. I think I understand something now that I hadn't before, that I can't quite verbalize.
but all's well.
 
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