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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello there, I'm a 21yo man who recently found out I'm INFJ after sitting 2 MB tests at work.
I have all the typical characteristics- I'm friendly with lots of people but have only 3 or 4 really good friends who I connect with and consider real friends.
I think I’m moderately intelligent- I work as a PhD research student in Engineering.
I have a few diverse interests which I really devote myself too and I can hold conversations on a variety of topics (football/soccer, music, pop culture etc).
My problem is I’ve never even been close to having a gf. I have 2 close female friends (although one now loves far away), one of them is the only girl I ever kissed when I was young and I felt horrible about it.
I do get opportunities to kiss girls in nightclubs etc. when out with my friends but have never done so because I feel wrong about it. There have been a couple of girls that liked me recently but they were only 18 and just looking for a bf (they get off with different guys all the time) so I wasn’t interested.
There’s one girl I like that I’m very causal friends with- we have night outs with our friend groups occasionally, we last had a night out 4 weeks ago which she organised for when I was back from another city. However she never came when I asked her the following week and hasn’t made any effort to organise something since- I don’t want to text her and seem like I’m too interested.
I’m not a physically attractive guy but I’m a lot better than I was- I’m maybe a little sensitive about how bad I used to be. I’m pretty slim (140lbs at 5’11) but I’m a lean muscular slim- I was previously very ill and only weighed 98lbs, but I got really into weightlifting. I’m quite pale and only recently have I been able to grow my hair out due to skin conditions- it’s still pretty short but it’s growing and looks kinda stylish. I have been called cute, and I do take good care of my appearance/personal hygiene and style (I’m reasonably fashionable without following trends).
I do have a sick sense of humour and I’m pretty sharp and witty and can joke about myself. I also tend to get on well with men- if put in a room with strangers, despite being shy I’d probably still make a few friends.
I just have a problem meeting or making connections with women- I’m shy but I can talk when approached. I can also make friends with girls but they only ever see me as a friend- my 2 close female friends and a few other friends always tell me I’m nice, or sweet etc. but they never act like they might be interested.
I would like a genuine girl that likes me- the only girls that have shown attraction are a handful of ones that hit on all my friends and basically work themselves down to me.
I am a very loving person, but I have never found anyone that wants me to love them which are frustrating.
I stress that I do not actively look- I’m never desperate and have always waited for the right girl (knocking back kissing or casual sex opportunities), but it doesn’t seem to materialise.
What should I do to help find somebody? I always hear the ‘just wait’ but is there anything I could do to increase the chances. At 21 and never even been on a date is a bit strange (I am kind of proud about not making mistakes or giving into peer pressure but I would like to find someone).
 

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You are 21. If you are 42, you'd have a legit reason to cry about. ;-)

I am sure you are not the only guy at 21 never has a GF and a virgin. It's not uncommon among men.

Have you paid attention to grooming? Find styles and colors to suit you? How about lift some weights and run 5k a day to look fit and energetic? Hair style? clean and well clipped nails? Good shoes/good wallet/good belt/good watch go a long way with first impression.

I personally made over a few guys in my life time to optimize their chances with ladies to positive results. Everyone has potential. To get a leg up, you have to fine tune yourself to make an impression, much like getting noticed at job interviews.


PS. Always have a tiny tin of strong breath mints in your pocket all the time, besides the condoms
 

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Hello there, I'm a 21yo man who recently found out I'm INFJ after sitting 2 MB tests at work.
I have all the typical characteristics- I'm friendly with lots of people but have only 3 or 4 really good friends who I connect with and consider real friends.
I think I’m moderately intelligent- I work as a PhD research student in Engineering.
I have a few diverse interests which I really devote myself too and I can hold conversations on a variety of topics (football/soccer, music, pop culture etc).
My problem is I’ve never even been close to having a gf. I have 2 close female friends (although one now loves far away), one of them is the only girl I ever kissed when I was young and I felt horrible about it.
I do get opportunities to kiss girls in nightclubs etc. when out with my friends but have never done so because I feel wrong about it. There have been a couple of girls that liked me recently but they were only 18 and just looking for a bf (they get off with different guys all the time) so I wasn’t interested.
There’s one girl I like that I’m very causal friends with- we have night outs with our friend groups occasionally, we last had a night out 4 weeks ago which she organised for when I was back from another city. However she never came when I asked her the following week and hasn’t made any effort to organise something since- I don’t want to text her and seem like I’m too interested.
I’m not a physically attractive guy but I’m a lot better than I was- I’m maybe a little sensitive about how bad I used to be. I’m pretty slim (140lbs at 5’11) but I’m a lean muscular slim- I was previously very ill and only weighed 98lbs, but I got really into weightlifting. I’m quite pale and only recently have I been able to grow my hair out due to skin conditions- it’s still pretty short but it’s growing and looks kinda stylish. I have been called cute, and I do take good care of my appearance/personal hygiene and style (I’m reasonably fashionable without following trends).
I do have a sick sense of humour and I’m pretty sharp and witty and can joke about myself. I also tend to get on well with men- if put in a room with strangers, despite being shy I’d probably still make a few friends.
I just have a problem meeting or making connections with women- I’m shy but I can talk when approached. I can also make friends with girls but they only ever see me as a friend- my 2 close female friends and a few other friends always tell me I’m nice, or sweet etc. but they never act like they might be interested.
I would like a genuine girl that likes me- the only girls that have shown attraction are a handful of ones that hit on all my friends and basically work themselves down to me.
I am a very loving person, but I have never found anyone that wants me to love them which are frustrating.
I stress that I do not actively look- I’m never desperate and have always waited for the right girl (knocking back kissing or casual sex opportunities), but it doesn’t seem to materialise.
What should I do to help find somebody? I always hear the ‘just wait’ but is there anything I could do to increase the chances. At 21 and never even been on a date is a bit strange (I am kind of proud about not making mistakes or giving into peer pressure but I would like to find someone).
Keep up the weightlifting.
Develop and cultivate your hobbies.
Consider (if you have time through the PhD work...I have a PhD in molecular physics myself, and remember the time commitment) the following:
Ballroom dance lessons
Improv theater lessons
Community theater
Intramural co-ed sports
Church or charitable organizations

Learn to approach girls just for small talk; once you are comfortable doing that, learn to recognize when a girl you're talking to is giving "kiss me you fool" or "ask me out already you dope!" signals.
It'll come with experience if you pay attention. Hint: A girl who repeatedly shows up when you are around, asks happy questions about you, is likely interested...unless they're INFP, in which case they'll be hiding in the corner reading a book, or they're INTJ, in which case they'll be giving you the Death Stare. :laughing:
 

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You are 21. If you are 42, you'd have a legit reason to cry about. ;-)

I am sure you are not the only guy at 21 never has a GF and a virgin. It's not uncommon among men.

Have you paid attention to grooming? Find styles and colors to suit you? How about lift some weights and run 5k a day to look fit and energetic? Hair style? clean and well clipped nails? Good shoes/good wallet/good belt/good watch go a long way with first impression.

I personally made over a few guys in my life time to optimize their chances with ladies to positive results. Everyone has potential. To get a leg up, you have to fine tune yourself to make an impression, much like getting notice at job interviews.


PS. Always have a tiny tin of strong breath mints in your pocket all the time, besides the condoms
Yes on the breath mints, @chanteuse, but nix on the condoms, I've heard they taste horrible. :dry:
 

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Hello there, I'm a 21yo man who recently found out I'm INFJ after sitting 2 MB tests at work.
I have all the typical characteristics- I'm friendly with lots of people but have only 3 or 4 really good friends who I connect with and consider real friends.
I think I’m moderately intelligent- I work as a PhD research student in Engineering.
I have a few diverse interests which I really devote myself too and I can hold conversations on a variety of topics (football/soccer, music, pop culture etc).
My problem is I’ve never even been close to having a gf. I have 2 close female friends (although one now loves far away), one of them is the only girl I ever kissed when I was young and I felt horrible about it.
I do get opportunities to kiss girls in nightclubs etc. when out with my friends but have never done so because I feel wrong about it. There have been a couple of girls that liked me recently but they were only 18 and just looking for a bf (they get off with different guys all the time) so I wasn’t interested.
There’s one girl I like that I’m very causal friends with- we have night outs with our friend groups occasionally, we last had a night out 4 weeks ago which she organised for when I was back from another city. However she never came when I asked her the following week and hasn’t made any effort to organise something since- I don’t want to text her and seem like I’m too interested.
I’m not a physically attractive guy but I’m a lot better than I was- I’m maybe a little sensitive about how bad I used to be. I’m pretty slim (140lbs at 5’11) but I’m a lean muscular slim- I was previously very ill and only weighed 98lbs, but I got really into weightlifting. I’m quite pale and only recently have I been able to grow my hair out due to skin conditions- it’s still pretty short but it’s growing and looks kinda stylish. I have been called cute, and I do take good care of my appearance/personal hygiene and style (I’m reasonably fashionable without following trends).
I do have a sick sense of humour and I’m pretty sharp and witty and can joke about myself. I also tend to get on well with men- if put in a room with strangers, despite being shy I’d probably still make a few friends.
I just have a problem meeting or making connections with women- I’m shy but I can talk when approached. I can also make friends with girls but they only ever see me as a friend- my 2 close female friends and a few other friends always tell me I’m nice, or sweet etc. but they never act like they might be interested.
I would like a genuine girl that likes me- the only girls that have shown attraction are a handful of ones that hit on all my friends and basically work themselves down to me.
I am a very loving person, but I have never found anyone that wants me to love them which are frustrating.
I stress that I do not actively look- I’m never desperate and have always waited for the right girl (knocking back kissing or casual sex opportunities), but it doesn’t seem to materialise.
What should I do to help find somebody? I always hear the ‘just wait’ but is there anything I could do to increase the chances. At 21 and never even been on a date is a bit strange (I am kind of proud about not making mistakes or giving into peer pressure but I would like to find someone).

I was in the same spot that you're in when I was 21, asking myself when the cycle of life was going to start. Many years further along, I'm still waiting, and torn between wishing I had done everything different along the way and wishing I had been something else besides an INFJ.

Looking back, I think I was too focused on looking for perfection, which is like two strikes because INFJs are already good at filtering out all of the girls that are genuinely interested from those looking to use you.

As time passed, I also lost some of my self-esteem, and strike three was when I began to look at every prospect as 'They're already taken', 'They are being nice, but not really looking for more', or 'She's far too good to be in a relationship with me compared to someone else', etc.

Everyone else's advice is likely to be far more useful, but if I were in your shoes, I would take the chance and ask your friend about the next friend's night out (even if it seems forward), I would let a girl in the nightclub kiss me and try hard to accept her kindness rather than feel like she's getting too close for reasons 1-100, and I would jump at every compliment that I'm given to press them to see if they are genuinely interested in anything further (with teasing or humour thrown in to lighten up the nervousness).

INFJs aren't exactly the first to seem approachable just based alone on our body language and shyness, so it isn't a matter of not caring enough as it might be that you just naturally look and act more hesitant. It's one of things that keeps INFJs from being hurt, and keeps others from seeing the 'Kick Me' sign on our backs.

My insights should be taken with a grain of salt, because I haven't taken my own walls down enough in recent years to follow the advice that I'm hoping will help you out.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
You are 21. If you are 42, you'd have a legit reason to cry about. ;-)

I am sure you are not the only guy at 21 never has a GF and a virgin. It's not uncommon among men.

Have you paid attention to grooming? Find styles and colors to suit you? How about lift some weights and run 5k a day to look fit and energetic? Hair style? clean and well clipped nails? Good shoes/good wallet/good belt/good watch go a long way with first impression.

I personally made over a few guys in my life time to optimize their chances with ladies to positive results. Everyone has potential. To get a leg up, you have to fine tune yourself to make an impression, much like getting noticed at job interviews.


PS. Always have a tiny tin of strong breath mints in your pocket all the time, besides the condoms
Thank you very much for your reply.
In terms of grooming I am paying more attention- I've always been clean and hygenic but lataely since my condition has improved I'm working on growing my hair out and keeping it stylish- it was previously buzzed in. I lifts weights 5 times a week- I've actually competed before which was fun, I'm still small though so hopefully I'll get bigger. I do have good clothes and have tattoos too.
Hopefully I'll keep improving my looks as my health improves too.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Keep up the weightlifting.
Develop and cultivate your hobbies.
Consider (if you have time through the PhD work...I have a PhD in molecular physics myself, and remember the time commitment) the following:
Ballroom dance lessons
Improv theater lessons
Community theater
Intramural co-ed sports
Church or charitable organizations

Learn to approach girls just for small talk; once you are comfortable doing that, learn to recognize when a girl you're talking to is giving "kiss me you fool" or "ask me out already you dope!" signals.
It'll come with experience if you pay attention. Hint: A girl who repeatedly shows up when you are around, asks happy questions about you, is likely interested...unless they're INFP, in which case they'll be hiding in the corner reading a book, or they're INTJ, in which case they'll be giving you the Death Stare. :laughing:
Thank you for your kind reply. Also congratulations on your PhD- that's very impressive.
OK so I'll try and make the time for some more casual, female friendly hobbies- engineering, weightlifting and metal music aren't really the most gender balanced interests. Thanks! That makes sense- I'd surely have fun at some of these hobbies.
I'll just need to learn to read the signals!
Thanks!
 

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I was in the same spot that you're in when I was 21, asking myself when the cycle of life was going to start. Many years further along, I'm still waiting, and torn between wishing I had done everything different along the way and wishing I had been something else besides an INFJ.

Looking back, I think I was too focused on looking for perfection, which is like two strikes because INFJs are already good at filtering out all of the girls that are genuinely interested from those looking to use you.

As time passed, I also lost some of my self-esteem, and strike three was when I began to look at every prospect as 'They're already taken', 'They are being nice, but not really looking for more', or 'She's far too good to be in a relationship with me compared to someone else', etc.

Everyone else's advice is likely to be far more useful, but if I were in your shoes, I would take the chance and ask your friend about the next friend's night out (even if it seems forward), I would let a girl in the nightclub kiss me and try hard to accept her kindness rather than feel like she's getting too close for reasons 1-100, and I would jump at every compliment that I'm given to press them to see if they are genuinely interested in anything further (with teasing or humour thrown in to lighten up the nervousness).

INFJs aren't exactly the first to seem approachable just based alone on our body language and shyness, so it isn't a matter of not caring enough as it might be that you just naturally look and act more hesitant. It's one of things that keeps INFJs from being hurt, and keeps others from seeing the 'Kick Me' sign on our backs.

My insights should be taken with a grain of salt, because I haven't taken my own walls down enough in recent years to follow the advice that I'm hoping will help you out.
I can relate.

I've done my job to make my person attractive inside and outside. Still. No taker. It's not that there's no single guy. It's my pickiness. I can't let a guy I am not attracted to get into my personal space (999 guys out of 1000 I don't care for). This non verbal wall guys can detect. I am sure you guys all have met women you just knew were not attracted to you "that way".

Well, I don't want our OP to feel hopeless. He may be lucky to meet a match next month, get married in 6 months, and live happily ever after.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Honestly, as an INFJ, you would be more into a really good conversation with a girl every time you meet (even if it was a hour in a coffee shop). You just have to get the ball rolling first in the beginning.
Thanks- I'll try to start conversations more!
I was in the same spot that you're in when I was 21, asking myself when the cycle of life was going to start. Many years further along, I'm still waiting, and torn between wishing I had done everything different along the way and wishing I had been something else besides an INFJ.

Looking back, I think I was too focused on looking for perfection, which is like two strikes because INFJs are already good at filtering out all of the girls that are genuinely interested from those looking to use you.

As time passed, I also lost some of my self-esteem, and strike three was when I began to look at every prospect as 'They're already taken', 'They are being nice, but not really looking for more', or 'She's far too good to be in a relationship with me compared to someone else', etc.

Everyone else's advice is likely to be far more useful, but if I were in your shoes, I would take the chance and ask your friend about the next friend's night out (even if it seems forward), I would let a girl in the nightclub kiss me and try hard to accept her kindness rather than feel like she's getting too close for reasons 1-100, and I would jump at every compliment that I'm given to press them to see if they are genuinely interested in anything further (with teasing or humour thrown in to lighten up the nervousness).

INFJs aren't exactly the first to seem approachable just based alone on our body language and shyness, so it isn't a matter of not caring enough as it might be that you just naturally look and act more hesitant. It's one of things that keeps INFJs from being hurt, and keeps others from seeing the 'Kick Me' sign on our backs.

My insights should be taken with a grain of salt, because I haven't taken my own walls down enough in recent years to follow the advice that I'm hoping will help you out.
Thanks for such a personal reply- I get what you mean about being a bit more open minded, instead of ruling out every girl I see who might have some flaws, maybe give them a chance sometimes.
I will maybe text the girl I like in a couple of days and ask about planning a night out with friends. I'm just worried about seeming too interested, plus I feel she is too physically attractive to be interested in me.
 

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Thanks- I'll try to start conversations more!

Thanks for such a personal reply- I get what you mean about being a bit more open minded, instead of ruling out every girl I see who might have some flaws, maybe give them a chance sometimes.
I will maybe text the girl I like in a couple of days and ask about planning a night out with friends. I'm just worried about seeming too interested, plus I feel she is too physically attractive to be interested in me.
This seems very much like a win-win situation, even if it puts you slightly out of the comfort zone.
The worst case scenario in this looks to be (even if you think she is too attractive) that she will be very flattered by your interest and kindness.
Being in the friends group has already shown her that you a caring friend with a sense of humour.
 

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Thanks- I'll try to start conversations more!

Thanks for such a personal reply- I get what you mean about being a bit more open minded, instead of ruling out every girl I see who might have some flaws, maybe give them a chance sometimes.
I will maybe text the girl I like in a couple of days and ask about planning a night out with friends. I'm just worried about seeming too interested, plus I feel she is too physically attractive to be interested in me.
This is the reason why good looking women end up being with ugly but confident guys. Women don't place men's physical beauty as priority number 1 (unless she's 16 and into One Direction). We like confidence the most. It shows that he believes in himself, not taking self too seriously, at peace with the world, and seems capable to handle any situation (like asking a girl out, etc.) social or otherwise.

Young men's confidence mostly is in personality; in your face. When you get older, your confidence will be deepened by life experience, failures/successes, love found and lost, been there done that. It'd be like scotch whisky with vintage.
 

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OP, I'm right there with you but I'm a lady and 25.

Just keep your chin up and try and meet someone nice. :) Everyone else has great advice. Plus, with all your descriptors it sounds like you are a good match for lots of people I know so just keep up your confidence.
 

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You might consider watching some videos on Body Language on youtube, it will explain moreso how to give off a "confident" vibe. Also, videos on APE/MONKEY body language. There is an interesting thing about body language changing your hormones. You act bigger, take up more space, have "powerful" body language and your brain/body will make more testosterone. This will come off in your pharamones! Women ALWAYS can tell, and generally seem to appreciate it.

Having confidence is great! But I really think it is confused with high testosterone. Which makes sense, because it is a very powerful chemical. It does a lot for your body and your health, too. Keeps your heart strong, helps fertility potency, helps build muscle, etc.

Just imagine, for a moment...that you are the most powerful person on the planet. But it is a quiet power, not a dominating/controlling power. No man is your better. None. Dont strut, brag, boast, swagger, or whatever...it isnt necissary. Just hold yourself like you are THE man...not A man. Think of it as a game, or an act, perhaps?

There is a fine line between confidence and arrogance, but you will be just fine! Stay humble, but be powerful in spirit. Walk softly and carry a BIG STICK! Ha. Just kidding, but honestly...be gentle and kind, humble, but show the world the FIRE you have deep inside. You don't have to emulate those "confident" jackasses...they are nothing more than peacocks, shaking their tail feathers.

You my friend, are a LION.

Except...don't eat your rival's babies, obviously. Lions are actually kinda fucked up!
 

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I'm in pretty much the same boat. 21 and have dated once.. in high school. I was also "fair-skinned," as the old folk say, but mostly when I was a teenager. I'm also a bit odd. :p

I've always been just an average person. I don't do much that's particularly special, at least according to most of the millennials I meet (maybe I was born in the wrong age???), and my interests are pretty broad across the board. I don't stand out, mostly because I'm very introverted and slow to warm up, and have always been this way.

I don't speak out much at all, and I tend to stick to a very few number of friends.

I'm highly interested in some topics, but never enough to make a statement about it or gather attention, or somehow promote myself or my abilities as being good or to be looked at highly. I simply do not view myself this way. I don't wish to go under the radar or to be a wimp my entire life, I just mean that I find that modest and humble people to be the most beautiful of all people. For instance, I see Gandhi and I think, wow, this is a person with hidden strengths (that were entirely overlooked his younger years) who did not shock the world with awe-inspiring speeches or grandiose actions, he simply believed in what he believed and took measures to change the world in the way he saw fit. He was certainly an original and incredibly genuine and deeply caring kind of person, and I deeply value integrity in being yourself.. not what Hollywood wants you to be. Perhaps this is why I don't see much value in changing yourself to fit other people's ideas... I honestly don't know.

I do believe, however, that we are both still young. The average man doesn't get married until 29, at least in the United States. I look at that time frame, and I see my own progression, and I think, wow, there's no way that will happen in the next couple of months or even years. >.<

But, in the end, I recognize that I would like it to happen. Unfortunately, this leaves a bit of tension between wanting to wait so that I'm more prepared and in a better place financially, socially, personally, etc. and wanting to keep the door open to the person who might understand me for me right now... But so it goes. Again, I'm no expert here.

At this point I would just be rambling, frankly, and it's midnight so I might as well stop here. I wish I could offer you life-changing advice or something, but don't expect it from this guy. Good luck, though. Maybe this has provided some sort of insight or at least the possibility that you're not entirely crazy. :)
 

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Also, I'm not 100% sure it will happen in your part of the world, try not to force it. Just get comfortable with someone you like talking to and have a good bond with with a pinch of attraction. It will cramp your INFJness if you try to talk to women because you need to score some points. Go with the flow dude. When you get older, it will be more natural. Not everybody is a potential match, and when you think they are, its not really like the two of you and nobody else. I think that's the effect of the really attractive female to the INFJ guy. Yet, it's really just you and her and those in the coffee shop. Talk about the next Avengers movie, then the next time, just pick up where you left off.
 

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Chill out cuz, I'm 21, male, INFJ; and in the exact same boat and you know what? I couldn't care less. If I am single, it is only because I am yet to meet a girl I want to be with. If I stay single for life, it ain't no thing. I'm all or nothing when it comes to these matters.
 

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Really, people place such misguided emphasis on virginity. It amazes me that we can all buy into feeling insecure about it - I have, too, in the past. But it must be a sad life one leads, if one evaluates its successfulness by how many times he busted a nut.
 
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