[curious0610]

So I figure this is a topic that many people here could relate to. But how have you dealt with exes? I found that the emotional attachment is the hardest to overcome. Nowadays, I am just a lot more cautious and reserved, so I get less attached to people at first. But in all honesty, I'd say that even though I act "over them" and do not display any outward signs about this to others around me, the emotional attachment can get overwhelming sometimes: you know nostalgia, random memories, missing that connection together, etc.

*Note: what I wrote above about not displaying outward signs is probably part of my desire of not wanting to be seen weak as others around me.*

For those of you who have experienced this, any advice or insight? I'm sure everyone experiences things differently, so feel free to discuss aspects you encountered that I didn't mention above. I've only had one -ex so I'm not really an expert on this, but just some thoughts on the matter is all. And for those of you currently struggling with this, hope this thread can help y'all!

 

[Humilis Curator]

I have dealt with my exes in two difference ways. What happens most is that I try to stay friends with them and keep in contact which fails sometimes. Other times I do the classic INFJ door slam and just completely withdraw them from my life.

 

[StarryNight]

I've only had one serious relationship which was only last year, and I found it too difficult to remain friends with him. When we tried we just argued, and I hated that. So I got to the point where I just stopped all communication and left it at that, and he thought I hated him for doing it. It probably seemed a bit harsh, but I didn't want to think there was a possibility of getting back together when there wasn't, so it was my way of protecting myself and moving on with life. However I do like to reflect on the past relationship up until I remember why my ex is my ex for a reason.

 

[krnjason]

Depending on how the break up went, I either keep in touch or theyre out of my life for good.
I'm actually really close friends with one of my ex's and another I've cut all ties with. It varies upon each different person.

 

[Duke]

I've only ever been in one relationship so far, and even though it lasted all of three months (the limerence was drawn out over a year prior), I've virtually spent almost two years trying to rebuild the emotional bastion that used to stand so strong. Thankfully, I've pulled through, but it's tough when the memories return in a deluge when you pass by familiar places, or do familiar things. Needless to say, I can't bear being friends with someone I've loved before, because it's like the person's dead yet alive; and he or she continues to exist, but lies beyond your embrace. It's worse than someone passing on (at least for me).

So I usually slam the door shut, lock it and throw away the key.
But God knows I wear a duplicate around my neck.
Just in case.

 

[Ethanol]

What a great topic. I'm also interested in hearing about how all my fellow INFJ's have handled this... as I am in the process of handling this quasi-staying in touch with your ex because it's mature to be friends thing.

To answer the OP, I broke up almost a year ago with my most recent ex. He was my 2nd relationship.
My first relationship ended... badly. I couldn't bear talking to him and haven't spoken to him since the breakup. I think about him occasionally but could not be more thankful that we have not spoken. I moved out the east coast (where he lives) to the west coast to attend school right after, so I haven't had the trouble of running into him. If I were to run into him again, I feel like there has been enough time / lack of contact between us for me to be able to treat him as a regular person without any feelings (it's been almost 5 years). Part of it is the amount of time that has elapsed and the other part is my 2nd relationship that helped bury my past with my first ex for good.

With my most recent ex, we both attend a top design university with a student body of 3000 only (tiny compared to most universities) and I'm still trying to do this whole "be friendly" thing, but I find that it's extremely difficult.

Ignorance is bliss, and I can honestly say... for me, the less I know about how he is doing the less I think about him, us, what remains of us, what will be of us, or what we use to have.

I know that it's the mature thing to do, to be friends and what not... but maybe I'm just immature? I don't know. Perhaps my emotions are a little all over the place with this one.

 

[Humilis Curator]

With my most recent ex, we both attend a top design university with a student body of 3000 only (tiny compared to most universities) and I'm still trying to do this whole "be friendly" thing, but I find that it's extremely difficult.

Ignorance is bliss, and I can honestly say... for me, the less I know about how he is doing the less I think about him, us, what remains of us, what will be of us, or what we use to have.

I know that it's the mature thing to do, to be friends and what not... but maybe I'm just immature? I don't know. Perhaps my emotions are a little all over the place with this one.

No....you are not immature. You have to do what you have to do and what is best for your heart and mind, in my book that isn't immature. Staying friends is a good way only when both parties are willing and capable but when one is not, it is best to cut your ties to avoid anymore heartache. There can be a lot of emotion wrapped up into relationships, specifically for us so that intense emotional factor is there and has to be accounted for and staying friends sometimes is too difficult.

Neither option is more "mature" the reaction one has to a breakup and how to handle it based on the circumstances shows maturity if they act correctly for that specific breakup. What is and what is not mature is largely based on what society says. I would not listen too much to what the status quo dictates when violence is considered "entertainment" in that ghost of a civilizations. Excuse me, I am rambling and getting off subject.

One of my exes I tried to do the stay friends thing but it didn't work out either and it has been over 8 months now. For 4-6 months we did the friend thing but it didn't work out, she wanted to start arguments all the time and was unstable when speaking to me.

 

[Dalien]

I have dealt with my exes in two difference ways. What happens most is that I try to stay friends with them and keep in contact which fails sometimes. Other times I do the classic INFJ door slam and just completely withdraw them from my life.

Just like Humilis Curator, I have done the remain friends with them. These ex's that I can do this with are the ones who have not hurt me to the core. Peace is easier to do in these instances.

Yep the classic door slam for the ones who hurt me to the core. But, I still leave said door just slightly ajar.
In my life, I have learned to walk away from a person who has hurt me tremendously. Believe me, it has taken years to learn how to do this. I hurt. I walk (they live their life, I live mine). I take my time and gather my feelings. I deal with them. Then I forgive no matter how much it hurt(s). Don't get me wrong, I don't let that person close to me or my life, once I walk. I am cordial & even kind if for what ever reason our paths cross again. I do not do anything against them nor wish them ill will. I just don't allow them to hurt me again. They no longer can get under my skin.

 

[Exit]

Great topic. I broke up with my ex two weeks ago. We are determined to stay friends as we were great friends for a couple of years prior to dating. Nonetheless, sometimes the pain while being around her is ferocious. It's not even necessarily mental, it's almost physical -- a deep ache and sense of stress. I bite it back, and I'm sure she doesn't see it, but there are stretches where it feels like it would be easier for it to just go away.

I anticipate it will go away, and keeping our friendship is well worth suffering through it.

In an overarching sense, I've been about half and half on door slamming or preserving exes as friends. Abstracting it out a level, I feel as though I only really withdraw when I sense that they want something from me more than they care about me.