Personality Cafe banner

41 - 60 of 66 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,155 Posts
I was married to an ISTJ for 25 years. He never showed emotions and couldn't deal with mine. He was dependable, hard working and followed the rules. But we had nothing in common and the kids couldn't even get close to him. We are now separated.
I am sorry to hear that. :sad:


A few INFJs seem to be having problems with their relationships with ISTJs. My fiance is an ISTJ and to be honest I don't think either of us could have found a more suitable person to be with. I wonder if enneagram type has anything to do with it as well as standard personality types?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,700 Posts
I am INFJ with ENTP and it is emotional/intellectual nirvana.
 
  • Like
Reactions: denasmee

·
Registered
Joined
·
49 Posts
Wow, you did put a lot of work into this. Very interesting!

My two best friends are ESFJ and ISFJ. I love them both and find them very caring and trustworthy and restful to be around. They have never hurt my feelings and that is no easy feat.

I also love ENFJs and tended to follow my two ENFJ friends around and maybe even idolize them a little. Of course, they might have fallen off the pedestal if I had known them for longer--nonetheless I think they are kind, intelligent, charismatic and always interesting.

These are my three favorite types.

I need to make better friends with an INFP. I think this type could become one of my favorites. INTPs and INTJs are cool too.

The two types that I have personally had difficulties with are ENFP and ISFP, but I think it's unfair to generalize by type and could be hurtful to people so I'll keep the negativity inside my head. I will say that I can clearly see the problems that might occur between INFJ and these types.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
136 Posts
"INFJ and ESTJ

How the relationship works: INFJs and ESTJs are both very giving and dedicated to their relationships, so they take care of one another very well and work hard to keep fires burning. They love to solve problems and value working things out with one another, so even if communication is a bit off they try their best. The ESTJs logical side gives INFJs a sense of clarity and security in the relationship, which is very important.

Why the relationship may not work out: ESTJs are often very bold and can intimidate the usually quiet INFJ. INFJs have many feelings that randomly surface and it can confuse and frustrate the ESTJ. INFJs don't like to be bossed around, and because they are highly empathetic may find the ESTJ to be insensitive or cruel. The ESTJ may see the INFJ as too sensitive or boring.

How to keep it: ESTJs need to watch what they say and how they act, because the INFJ is easily damaged. INFJs need to be very, very clear and logical while explaining their feelings to the ESTJ. The ESTJ simply cannot boss the INFJ around and must watch their words carefully or explosive fights could break out. INFJs need to understand that ESTJs are not heartless, and the ESTJs need to prove it. With communication, this couple is unstoppable."
I totally agree with this! My ESTJ wife and I would absolutely kill it on the Amazing Race! When we're in sync and focused on the same goal it's like our personalities compliment each other to the extent that we're a superhuman conglomerate.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
806 Posts
Discussion Starter #47
Thank you all for your kind and helpful comments. I will be updating this soon.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
253 Posts
I've had relationship experience with both ENTPs and ESFPs. The ESFP romance was intense, passionate, and made me feel more alive than any other relationship I've ever had. The ENTP relationship was more settled, mature, and had a subtle undercurrent of sweetness. As much as I liked the fireworks, I'd take the ENTP over the ESFP.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
262 Posts
In have had both enfp entp and estj relationships and you were totally accurate wow! Impressed :)

My
Entp relationship was the most stimulating and loving and challenging (in a good way) relationship.

My enfp relationship was totally understanding and forgiveness and great communication.

My estj relationship was intense, but due to both of us being immature at the time became pretty destructive to both- one of the most amazing and hardest experiences with another person on my life.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
INFJ and ESFP

How the relationship works: INFJs and ESFPs intrigue one another to a wild extent. The ESFP is kindhearted, and will take the eager INFJ on countless adventures. Both fascinated by the world, these two will never run out of things to talk about. While the INFJ doesn’t always show it, they are both very flirty and have a ton of fun simply being together.

Why the relationship may not work out: ESFPs aren’t always super dedicated about relationships, and just love a good time. They can often view INFJs as clingy. INFJs also need to build a lot of trust with a person, and ESFPs don’t understand why all the build-up is necessary. INFJs may put up walls away from their ESFP partner because they feel exposed. INFJs often feel frustrated because they believe that ESFPs lack depth, while ESFPs often view INFJs as completely neurotic. INFJs think that ESFPs are immature at times, and ESFPs think that INFJs simply need to lighten up.

How to keep it: Both sides of this relationship need to consider it seriously. INFJs usually want a long-term, dedicated relationship, while most ESFPs want a short-term, fun relationship. If both parties agree on one kind of relationship, the next step is to get real with one another. ESFPs need to take special care to make sure that their INFJ never feels unsafe or vulnerable. ESFPs need to learn how to get serious, while INFJs need to learn to trust that ESFPs have them covered. INFJs have a good sense of humor, and letting it shine is especially beneficial for this relationship. INFJs need to have patience and know that ESFPs simply aren’t as “deep” as they want their mate to be, while ESFPs need to comfort an INFJs worries and depressive states of mind. Life isn’t always a party, but if this couple makes it through, anything is possible.
This is spot-on! Though we didn't managed to 'make it through', though I definitely learned more about myself in the process. Also I know my type, I didn't know his...BUT because we were so incompatible, on hindsight it was pretty easy for me to figure out that he is an ESFP as he is the quintessential ESFP (based on the descriptions I have read):

He is one of the most fun and hilarious person I've met, he loves spending time with people, doing silly childlike things and is never worried about embarrassing himself (definitely an E)--I think that is something that really drew me to him. He is also a great storyteller and conversationalist, particularly when talking about topics related to history and facts-related issues. And that really attracted me because INFJs are much more talented in writing than talking :p I found that I could spend ages just talking to him without feeling tired. He was also extremely generous and was always trying to keep the atmosphere upbeat (I am guessing an F here).

However, I think the lack of N really have a big impact on the relationship, I often felt he was insensitive and we had numerous miscommunication problems, mainly because I often felt he never understood me. Strangely, one reason he was attracted to me was because 'he has never met anyone who connected so well with him before'. I am guessing that was because the people he knew previously a) tend to be more S types rather than N types, birds of a feather etc etc. b) and also because INFJs tend to be great actors :p I often play along with his jokes (though I swear I enjoyed doing it) and I was also at a point in my life when I was beginning to enjoy large parties and behaving in a general extroverted manner (still do). INFJs apparently also have a great sense of humour so I guess that helped too :p Little did he know that there was a sensitive vulnerable soul inside me!!

Another thing that really affected the relationship was our P/J clashes. I had been oscillating between INFJ and INFP, but after this relationship, I can safely say that I am an INFJ, especially after knowing that we are the least 'Judging' of all the Judgers. However, as much as I can sometimes be quite flaky and forgetful and my table is a mess, relationships are a whole different matter. His living-in-the-moment way of dealing with relationships really made me felt completely lost and insecure ): You guys should know how it feels: how do you expect INFJs to function without any directions? Milestones? Expectations? Help!!

Also, he couldn't deal me with my constant need of emotional reassurance, but I am guessing that's an INFJ thing more than anything else :p He's still a very lovable person though, but definitely better off as friends :wink:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
235 Posts
I've been with an ISFP for 5 years, and I gotta say, you're description is very accurate. Yes, I find him manipulative & immature at times, and yes, I'm sure he finds me confusing/hard-to-read, and manipulative as well possibly.
Although, with commitment, I think in our case it's reversed. Seems like I'm more likely to allow my mind to wander to other possibilities than he is. But I never act, and always come back!
We have a lot in common, and what we don't, we still respect the other's view. We talk easily.
And YES, we are always happiest when we are actively doing things together. As with probably most, if not all, introvert couples, we really need to force ourselves to go out and be active/social, for if we don't, we're bound to get in bitter rut of isolation.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
27 Posts
This is spot-on! Though we didn't managed to 'make it through', though I definitely learned more about myself in the process. Also I know my type, I didn't know his...BUT because we were so incompatible, on hindsight it was pretty easy for me to figure out that he is an ESFP as he is the quintessential ESFP (based on the descriptions I have read):

He is one of the most fun and hilarious person I've met, he loves spending time with people, doing silly childlike things and is never worried about embarrassing himself (definitely an E)--I think that is something that really drew me to him. He is also a great storyteller and conversationalist, particularly when talking about topics related to history and facts-related issues. And that really attracted me because INFJs are much more talented in writing than talking :p I found that I could spend ages just talking to him without feeling tired. He was also extremely generous and was always trying to keep the atmosphere upbeat (I am guessing an F here).

However, I think the lack of N really have a big impact on the relationship, I often felt he was insensitive and we had numerous miscommunication problems, mainly because I often felt he never understood me. Strangely, one reason he was attracted to me was because 'he has never met anyone who connected so well with him before'. I am guessing that was because the people he knew previously a) tend to be more S types rather than N types, birds of a feather etc etc. b) and also because INFJs tend to be great actors :p I often play along with his jokes (though I swear I enjoyed doing it) and I was also at a point in my life when I was beginning to enjoy large parties and behaving in a general extroverted manner (still do). INFJs apparently also have a great sense of humour so I guess that helped too :p Little did he know that there was a sensitive vulnerable soul inside me!!

Another thing that really affected the relationship was our P/J clashes. I had been oscillating between INFJ and INFP, but after this relationship, I can safely say that I am an INFJ, especially after knowing that we are the least 'Judging' of all the Judgers. However, as much as I can sometimes be quite flaky and forgetful and my table is a mess, relationships are a whole different matter. His living-in-the-moment way of dealing with relationships really made me felt completely lost and insecure ): You guys should know how it feels: how do you expect INFJs to function without any directions? Milestones? Expectations? Help!!

Also, he couldn't deal me with my constant need of emotional reassurance, but I am guessing that's an INFJ thing more than anything else :p He's still a very lovable person though, but definitely better off as friends :wink:
I'm glad to hear that someone had the courage to make a stab at this type matching, and it really is a magnetic, opposites attract. Unfortunately, my ESFP was extremely emotionally damaged, so the fights were so frequent with him often resorting to hurtful tactics. I saw through them but damage was still apparent. My kids and family all voiced their relief when the relationship finally ended, as everyone saw him as an insensitive dick.

My current relationship is with another INFJ and I couldn't be happier! It's amazing to FINALLY be understood, something that I have craved but given up as a childhood dream. Perhaps we aren't the most exciting, but exciting also often comes with a lot of drama, and I've had plenty for a lifetime! The fact that we never tire of the deep and probing conversations is not only refreshing, it's foreplay! And because we are both aware of our personality type, we are both making a concerted effort to own our emotions in the moment, effectively communicate pet peeves, and make rational agreements on how we will behave when stressed or under the conditions of a fight before such events arise. Seeing that we both pride ourselves on our standards and honor, such measures should help lessen if not completely mitigate most confrontations.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
806 Posts
Discussion Starter #54 (Edited)
Hey guys! I've been working on re-writing this and expanding it; will post that today!

Er, if I can actually stop editing the crap out of it just because I feel like it...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
361 Posts
INFJ and ISTJ

How the relationship works: ISTJs and INFJs are both very committed in a relationship, and will set clear, concise goals in their own heads of where a relationship is going. They love to go out and do things together, and will have the best time just hanging out. They’ve been known to surprise one another with small, delicate acts of kindness. They will thrive best in a long-term relationship, and can work as a dynamite team to build a home together. Dedicated and truthful, this team can really work together to create beautiful things.

Why the relationship may not work out: INFJs and ISTJs are both pretty good liars, and they are totally cool with hiding things from one another. Unfortunately, they both like to be told the direct truth. They are also both very good at arguing, and will take everything personally in a clash. They both are prone to trust issues, and while INFJs are very artistic with speaking, ISTJs like to simply get to the point of it all. Communication can be a major issue in this manner.

How to keep it: ISTJs and INFJs have got to work together as a team to solve problems; they can’t just fight all the time. As much as it may make the ISTJ uncomfortable, sitting down and talking about feelings is completely necessary. INFJs may need to be completely literal in important situations so that all feelings are conveyed accurately. Small acts of romanticism and words of confirmation will help this couple to succeed.
This outlines very well my recent relationship with a female ISTJ. Seriously, very accurate. I think it could have worked out in an alternate dimension. We were good for each other in a lot of ways and I can honestly say that the pair can be strong if dedicated to each other.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Scootaloo

·
Registered
Joined
·
119 Posts
My only serious relationship was with an ISTJ and it was bound to fail miserably because of the N-S discrepancy...
It really does feel inevitable to plain not get along with S types easily, let alone trust them with your feelings when you're as private as an INFJ
 
41 - 60 of 66 Posts
Top