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INFJ Dating Bible or: How to Date an INFJ

I get this from here : INFJ Dating Bible or: How to Date an INFJ | Modalities of Existence








INFJs are, by definition, rare, reserved, and unlikely to initiate anything, which means that many of them can end up alone and misunderstood. To help with things, I’ve compiled a list of points which I think would be of great use to anyone considering dating someone who identifies as an INFJ.

  • For most INFJs, omitting or distorting information is equivalent to lying, and at the very least will rouse their suspicion. INFJs have an acute sensitivity for stories which don’t quite fit. At the same time, INFJs also like to assume the best and can be extremely gullible.
  • INFJs are adept at nonverbal communication (eye gaze, touching, body language, etc.). Just because they’re not speaking doesn’t mean they’re not saying something.
  • INFJs have an extremely complex internal value system. An INFJ will see if you ‘fit’ into their world, and they’ll bend their own rules if they really like you. INFJs tend to have very high standards, but are also very accepting once they trust you and know you’re safe.
  • INFJs can be pretty intense emotionally. This isn’t to say that they can get into a heated argument, in fact INFJs avoid conflict, however they are easily hurt and feel very deeply. It’s not uncommon for INFJs to cry if they feel something very deeply.
  • INFJs are weird / odd / strange / extremely rare and they very much know it. They yearn to be understood and want to be accepted as they are (as most people do, of course). An INFJ is incredibly complex, so complex they confuse even themselves. They almost always feel misunderstood and ‘hidden’. They will be offended if you pass them off as ‘simple’ or ‘average’. Getting to know an INFJ takes work, so be prepared for that. A lot of gentle enquiry is required.
  • INFJs can often mimic other types.
  • INFJs are typically better in writing than in verbal communication. If you want to know an INFJ’s true feelings, ask them to write out what they think and feel.
  • INFJs don’t typically engage in casual relationships. Most of them will become too attached for it to be possible. If your intentions aren’t serious then you should probably steer clear of an INFJ unless it’s very obvious beforehand that they aren’t interested in a serious relationship.
  • An INFJ’s allegiance is no trifle. If an INFJ wants to stick by you, it means they really like you. Do not violate that gift.
  • INFJs consciously choose the people that are close to them. They would rather have a few very close friendships as opposed to numerous superficial ones.
  • They open up at a dinosauric pace. They typically hold themselves back and consider that behaviour to be part of their nature. They’ve been described as having ‘layers’ which only a select few people are privy to, the closer the layer to their heart, the fewer people are granted access. Do not expect to find yourself in the ‘top tier’ overnight. It often takes months or years to access the deepest recesses.
  • INFJs, like other idealists, love harmony. While an INFJ is relatively adept at conflict resolution, they do not appreciate the unneeded creation of conflict. An INFJ will strive for harmony.
  • The ‘N’ combined with the ‘J’ in INFJ means that they are future oriented. Do everything you can to make yourself seem like a long-term option. If you become destructively impulsive, an INFJ will lose the ability to see you as a long-term mate, and will become unhappy as a result. INFJs are future-oriented and have powerful imaginations and superb insight.
  • INFJs are extremely sensitive. Make sure that criticism is handed as lightly as possible and constructively. At the same time, INFJs love to please their partner, and will work on an issue if presented in the right way. When to be blunt with an INFJ: never. Be honest and direct, but there’s a fine line between direct and insensitive.
  • INFJs love helping people. If you’re bad at accepting help (yes, accepting help is a skill), then get ready to have problems. To reject an INFJ’s help is to reject their love, and one of the things they hold nearest to their hearts.
  • An INFJ’s ability to help people goes hand-in-hand with their ability to destroy people. Their keen knowledge of people’s weaknessess means they can either help you incredibly or destroy you, however the latter is extremely rare and is only reserved for people they believe have done serious harm to them or others.
  • They need patience but they give patience in return.
  • They’re curious about other people. To their friends, they are very accepting. However, the closer one gets to an INFJ’s heart, the more their standards will apply to the other person, which can sometimes create issues.
  • They often have darker periods where they close up. They can become monk-like and reclusive. It doesn’t mean they don’t like you, it just means they need to recharge.
  • They can be stubborn once they believe they’re in the right, especially if it has to do with their values.
  • INFJs hardly ever initiate anything. They like it when the other person initiates a conversation, contact, etc.
  • INFJs need 2 things to thrive: trust and safety. Trusting you is about knowing that you’re ethically and morally upstanding (or at least in accordance with their values), and feeling safe is knowing that you’ll stick by them. INFJs don’t want to open up to people who might disappear overnight. If an INFJ feels they can trust you and feels safe with you, they’ll be very happy. The only added bonus is to tell them how much you appreciate them.
  • Their energy drains when around others. They will need time alone to ‘feel like themselves’.
  • Your energy will easily affect them. If you seem unstable, etc., it will seep into them and poison them. It has often been said that an INFJ’s partner has to be strong, and this is generally true.
  • INFJs live in a world of fantasy. They can have problems consolidating their idealism with the reality of the world.
Useful quotes from the internet about INFJs:
On truth:
INFJs are all about deeds, not words. Don’t fuck up anything when you are granted a stage by an INFJ. It may take a long time before they give you that stage. Remember that they are intently testing you at that point. Talk all you want after that audition, providing you pass the test. The conversation will be most pleasant forever after… until you fuck up.
Eight years of marriage to a textbook INFJ has taught me the power of truth. I have seen what happens to people who deceive an INFJ. They are dropped like a hot pan.”
On vengeance:
“I do think that’s one of the main features of the INFJ type, vital even: a strong sense of right and wrong; they can’t tolerate wrongdoings of any kind. But at the same time, I’ve observed that INFJ’s attitude over their sense of morals comes in two variants; Jesus-like ones that say “turn the other cheek”, and the badass Kenshin ones that punish wrongdoers.”

“I have an INFJ friend, who is someone I would never EVER want to piss off, I’ve seen him angry only once in my life, and he goes all out then, lashing out to the point that it’s fearsome and it takes nearly an hour for him to cool down… it would start with him just suddenly becoming quiet and very isolated and then bam!
If ever in a war, that dude is on my side as a general!”

“We go through great efforts to keep everything civil, friendly, and harmonious, and we even allow people a certain amount of “buffer space”. But once you’ve overstepped that boundary or pushed things too far, then BAM! Tactical. Nuclear. Strike.”

“When someone gets the better of us, and they do so in a way that is not admirable, they become mortal enemies that must be vexed immediately.”

“I agree with the above. I will take a lot of abuse now, but once I am pushed to a point and feel I have nothing to lose or protect, well, you are pretty much dead meat. I will sit on every piece of ammunition I have and let the offender do their best, and then in the end, I let it all loose.
If you get on their good side, you have made a wonderful ally for life, and most likely they will use their arsenal to protect you.”

“I’m an INFJ, and I sometimes mentally play out what I’d like to say to someone I’m angry with, but I have never (and would never) take physical vengeance on anyone. I’m incredibly patient, but do eventually have a point where I will calmly tell someone what they have done to upset me and whether or not I will be able to get past it. If it’s something I can’t get past, that’s pretty much the end of things with that person.”
On holding back:
“My tendency to hold back IS who I am, and I am okay with that. I embrace that.
Because I am here and my friends know it. I am at my maximum potential when I am taking care of my family, yes, but I have many close friendships I nurture on a regular (every few weeks) basis, and they are almost as important to me.”

“INFJs take time to open up. They are slow burners. I find I can’t really get to know them until after many prolonged conversations. But after you enter their realm of trust they are the sweetest, most genuine people.”
On Sex:
“If I pursued a lot of meaningless sexual relationships, I can guarantee you I would be miserable in the end. It’s not in my nature. I am 100% aware that I’m someone who has to have a certain level of emotional bonding and trust to have sex with someone, and while I’ve had friends give me a hard time for it in the past, I accept this about myself. I can’t turn that off, and I know it. So, instead of living in denial, trying to be “the tough chick who can have sex like a man,” I hold out for someone who actually values my true nature. If I didn’t do that, I’d only be hurting myself over and over again. Denying your true nature in an effort to be “fashionable” or “modern” or “independent,” in my opinion, really comes back to bite you in the ass.”

“I can’t see the appeal of casual sex, for me I have to be in a relationship with someone before I’d consider sex with them. Sexual intimacy is much more valued and emotional to me and I do not want to waste that on people I don’t know or do not have a special bond with.”

“I take care of and very much value my body. If I’ve just met that person, I feel really uncomfortable with the idea of a stranger touching me the same way as someone who respects and loves me. I don’t judge others for what they do with their bodies, but I know what feels right and what doesn’t feel right for me.”

“Can’t do casual. Must be committed. Feel safe.”
On Feeling Different:
“I have always felt extremely different from others. I know when people are sick, even sometimes right down to what is bothering them. I am automatically drawn to people in pain and instinctively help people through hard times with out even knowing I am doing it.”
On Love:
“INFJs are more “for the cause”, not free-love.”

“INFJs look scary love-wise.”
Other Useful Quotes:
“If I go to a party, I find that I do latch on to one or two people I feel comfortable with or click with, and try to have a meaningful conversation with them of some sort. I CAN mingle well, but I prefer not too as it’s draining for me. I am not an extrovert so I know I will not be the life of the party, but I do not expect myself to be, beyond making a bold entrance, which I kinda like to do. I like the excitement of hanging back and wondering who will give me the vibe, or who’s energy I’ll pick up on, and if that will be a surprising find, as in someone I wouldn’t ordinarily talk to.”

“I can listen a person’s mouth off.”

“INFJs are attracted to martyrdom like a moth to a flame.”
 

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I usually approach lists like this with a grain of salt, but I was alarmed at how accurate this hit home for me, especially the specifics. Every point and every quote is 100% for me. I am shocked.

this makes me wonder if there are other lists like this for the other types.

Edit: I also wish I could somehow impose this knowledge onto some people. Not that I want to be catered to or be treated special, but it would really help some things. I would love to reciprocate in kind.
 

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Oh, goodness, whoever originally compiled this quoted me in the "On Sex" section...weird!

That being said, I realize that these bullet points are broad generalizations, but each of them ring very true for me. And in thinking about it, I've realized that my boyfriend has totally NAILED the INFJ dating bible (or at least the LiteratureNerd dating bible) without even consciously knowing it. I don't think he's ever realized that he's figured me out in a way that other men have never been able to do. It's nice when someone brings out the best in you merely by being themselves.

Nothing is sexier to me than a man with an open heart, a lot of patience, a huge capacity for love, a positive spirit, and a distinct lack of emotional hangups. What I'm saying is, if my boyfriend and I weren't both at work, I'd sooooo be hitting that right now. :D
 

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I totally can relate to that, it is so true for me. It amazes me how much it says about me. If more people around me knew about those things, it would make things a lot easier. *sighs*


@firelink thanks for posting this :)
 

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I am glad this article touches on the "introverted" aspect.

I have seen other ones which just see "OH THEY ARE Fe, THEY WILL BE VERY FRIENDLY AND OUTGOING!"

They are all good points...didn't see anyway that weren't accurate.

Again, I liked these ones being thrown in though and they are going to be key to a good relationship with me. I try to say all this stuff or hint
at it very early in my last two people I've dated, so they know what they are in for. Because I CAN be outgoing and super fun, but then some people
don't realize I need that alone time also.

These would be points that I find can effect the relationship and some people have hard times understanding, others are on point also though.
<ul>
<li>Their energy drains when around others. They will need time alone to ‘feel like themselves’.</li>
<li>Your energy will easily affect them. If you seem unstable, etc., it will seep into them and poison them. It has often been said that an INFJ’s partner has to be strong, and this is generally true.</li>
<li>INFJs hardly ever initiate anything. They like it when the other person initiates a conversation, contact, etc.</li>
<li>INFJs are extremely sensitive. (I'll add for this, for criticism...Don't say something you haven't thought through. I openly welcome constructive criticism...but you had better have done careful analysis and not say something off the cuff)</li>
<li>They open up at a dinosauric pace. </li>
<li>INFJs are typically better in writing than in verbal communication.</li>
</ul>

well I was trying to make a list, woops :(

And drum roll....


The #1 point I've found some types just don't get...


"They often have darker periods where they close up. They can become monk-like and reclusive. It doesn’t mean they don’t like you, it just means they need to recharge."

At least for me, I do this all the time with friends and relationships....


On sex, the last person I dated for about a month with wanted to have sex far too early... She actually wanted to on the first date which I declined, then wanted to earlier after that also. I think this ruined the relationship and it was weird b/c I never felt comfortable with her during sex as I viewed her as not appreciative of it from there on out... Which, I think she was... She was the type that was like, oh, time to have sex... lets go to the bedroom... Just all planned out, weird like... Hated it and couldn't get in the "mood" for it, if you know what I mean. Just so damn awkward b/c there wasn't a bond there yet. If I am not comfortable with somebody I just shut down. She never even got into making out or anything passionate, just a few kiss pecks and was ready to have sex already it seemed...It was like a weird half frigid fake feeling, combined with a "ready to screw" feeling...She also referred to it far too casually for my liking. Which got me thinking, how easy is this person? How many guys has she taken this approach with? And generally just other racing thoughts. Not going to fly with me.

As a guy, I feel this is viewed as weird by society. It isn't that I'm not horny, I just don't view sex as casually as others do. It isn't fun to me if it's casual, it ruins it for me actually. I'd rather just masturbate if that is the case.

I had never really experienced that before ...but then I immediately knew what people were talking about b/c I had read before about such things. My other relationships often took quite awhile to open up that way and were better for it.
 

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I agree with the list. The only part I would elaborate on is opening up at a dinosauric pace. I usually open up at the same rate as the other person. If they have not, I will not either. There is this feeling of being "overexposed" or "vulnerable". You will not find me being the first to divulge information though.
 

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Great article.

This was posted before, and the article's author came to the thread and said that they got many of the points and quotations from this very subforum.

:laughing:
 

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I agree with the list. The only part I would elaborate on is opening up at a dinosauric pace. I usually open up at the same rate as the other person. If they have not, I will not either. There is this feeling of being "overexposed" or "vulnerable". You will not find me being the first to divulge information though.
I am the opposite - I open up very quickly about SOME things. And it therefore seems like I've opened up more than I actually have. There are just so many layers, and some of them are pretty paradoxical. I think it takes people a very long time to really know me, and there are probably only a very, very few who do. And even fewer who really do understand me. My ex's INFJ sister is one of those few. I feel really lucky to know her for that reason.
 

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WOW, I usually don't like generalizations and I don't like to think there are ''rules'' to get to the real me, but it is scary how EACH of these explanations applies to me.
I can identify myself with every sentence here.

It's no surprise I've been told I am hard to get, I don't think there are many people out there who would know how to handle me naturally.
I mean, look at this list! I think it would be just plain scary for most people... 100% accurate for me!

:blushed:
 

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For me, you could add, "Let her know you want her, then step back and give her space to get to know you and make up her mind. Do NOT let her see you checking out or pursuing other women in the hopes that she'll get jealous and pursue you." (That is the surest way to lose me, at least at the beginning.)
 

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I have already stated how alarmed I was at how accurate OP was for me, but after reading it again, part of me gets a little restless.

I love the complexity of INFJ, but sometimes I wish this stuff could be simpler. Complexity doesnt necessarily add depth, sometimes I wonder if it just adds needless hurdles for me.
 

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so much truth in there!

and i think there are some mistyped INFJs who believe they are other types because there is something about Ni+Fe that makes for good acting (taking on a different persona), so INFJs can resemble other personality types (as this article says).
 

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I agree with the list. The only part I would elaborate on is opening up at a dinosauric pace. I usually open up at the same rate as the other person. If they have not, I will not either. There is this feeling of being "overexposed" or "vulnerable". You will not find me being the first to divulge information though.
I'm somewhat the opposite. If I find I'm really compatible with someone, I seem to spew personal information like someone spews vomit after drinking ipecac. :| I believe I spent 4 hours in the car in a parking lot with my boyfriend when we were first dating just talking about a whole ton of stuff I wouldn't ever talk about with anyone else. He said it was the most terrifying and amazing thing he's ever witnessed and if I ever date someone else, I should never do that or they might run off with their head on fire.


Anyway, nice list. I like that you quoted a lot of material from members here.
 

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^ I'm the same way. When you find someone who you're on the same wavelength with, it's exciting and I want nothing more than to share my whole being with them! I think that is also an INFJ thing but in general, it is hard to find those types of people (for me at least) and so I do open up rather slowly with most people.
 

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So i realize this thread is slightly older but I have to comment because i feel so much better right now. I have been convinced that I am just a relationship ruin-er and somehow I was just not given the skills necessary to be with other people and to read this gives me comfort. Now it all makes sense and maybe if i can find someone who is able to meet me halfway on some of my quirks then I can actually have a relationship!

Anyways, that is all... happy days
 

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^ I'm the same way. When you find someone who you're on the same wavelength with, it's exciting and I want nothing more than to share my whole being with them! I think that is also an INFJ thing but in general, it is hard to find those types of people (for me at least) and so I do open up rather slowly with most people.
This is why wavelength is one of my favourite words. It's really the only descriptor I have for two people who "get" each other.
 

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So i realize this thread is slightly older but I have to comment because i feel so much better right now. I have been convinced that I am just a relationship ruin-er and somehow I was just not given the skills necessary to be with other people and to read this gives me comfort. Now it all makes sense and maybe if i can find someone who is able to meet me halfway on some of my quirks then I can actually have a relationship!

Anyways, that is all... happy days
Better than just "meeting you halfway" - I'm sure someday you'll meet someone you like who thinks your quirks are really cool.

Just like there are women who like complicated men, there are men who like complicated women. Honestly, I think some of this just gets better with age.
 
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