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WOT... forgive me and bear with me as I need an outlet... and omg I posted this earlier and the server went down briefly, and now I have to retype my WOT all over from scratch, ugh.

First off, hi to everyone, new here though I've been a lurker for a much longer time. Currently facing and struggling with my emotional attachment to a few of my students in life, my mentees per se, and currently wavering and struggling whether or not to do the notorious infj doorslam, albeit in a gentle way, on them.

Knowing that I am an INFJ since teenage years, I know that I've given quite a few doorslams on people, the first category are those whom I felt betrayed or violated my trust in them. The first category is a foregone conclusion. The second category are often those people whom I care too much for, and yet I feel irrelevant in their lives and didn't feel I matter to them anywhere as much as they do to me and so I chose to walk out to focus on those who wants my time and love more.

Facing the latter situation seemingly yet again, but this time not with friends, but with my own students, while it does not mean I am not gonna cut them off entirely, I just feel like I want to cut my emotional attachment to them which also means I stopped caring much.. but if I stop doing that, that also goes the strongest quality of an INFJ mentor. And before anyone says, how can you do that to your own students, I have already asked myself that countless times. And as an INFJ who listens more to his feelings than his brains, and add to that a counselor-trained INFJ, I would tell myself "my feelings are real", so that shows you how "helpful" :laughing: I am to myself.

I know that prior to doing a doorslam on someone, however irrational, I know that if I even just hear them telling me "please don't shut the door on me/please don't give up on me", I would have think twice or hesitated. Or any lines that implies clearly that this relationship matters greatly to them. Unfortunately, INFJs tend to close the door before the other person is even aware of what's going on.. so there's that too making my question quite irrelevant. :laughing:

I know that if I have already slammed the door on them, if I could hear them tell me "please give me a chance to earn your trust back again/can you give me a chance to rebuild this relationship with you again?" or even "can you tell me what I did wrong?", I would possibly consider peeking out the door.

INFJs.. suckers for giving second chances.
 

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Umm. I don't really give second chances to others because i give 100% of everything first time around. If that's not good enough , well, they lost me.
ps.
That's why i openly tell people at some point in time to be very careful with what they say / DO.
I can take a lot of crap from others but things like being systematically inconsiderate of others or myself, being untruthful (if someone is hiding something because they are embarrassed of it, is different story) then, i don't have time for that.

-Ob.
 
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Few times I've open the door again, and I've regret it :D thing is, when trust is lost.. there's nothing else.
I opened the door again after sinceres apologies, and they mean that,it was true, but simply everything else was lost. Words mean nothing if behavior remains the same.
 
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Can't say I've ever slammed a door due to an emotional response...

Had plenty of doors slammed in my face, which is great because by the time the door shuts, I've already moved on and I'm excited about the new possibilities that await. One closes, another opens. I love being ISTP.
 

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I don't really doubt my intuitions about others anymore; it was a problem in the past, letting people back in or refusing to let go of them, but in retrospect, that was a purely internal reaction based on a need to feel loved. Nowadays, if it seems to me that someone is dishonest or otherwise malicious, I detach from them, and there's no going back. Like, I can't recall ever cutting off contact with someone, but I find myself unable to take them seriously or put weight into our interactions, which goes against my norm. Nothing can be said or done to change my mind because it's hardly emotional, so emotional appeals won't phase me.
 

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An apology would always help, but it wouldn't erase the repeating loop of what they said or did from playing itself back again and again.

My experience with wiping the slate clean and welcoming someone back in has not ever worked well.
The old routine and dialogue is still there, but the wall that's been put up always makes for resentment and friction, even if I'm trying my best to forgive and forget.
 

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Hola @Hope83 first I am sorry you´re going through such a hard time.

In my experience when I get to the point I start to wonder if I should slam the door on someone is because I already know the answer and it is "yes".
When I get there is because I have tried everything else and nothing worked, they didn´t listen or they didn´t even try to make things better.

I have heard the "I can do better" line a few times, which stopped me from closing the door only to stay and go through the same thing over and over again and of course to get hurt over and over again.

Don´t get me wrong, I am all about second chances and third and fourth chances, actually I have a hard time trying to decide when enough is enough that is why I get caught in unhealthy situations/relationships so when I finally decide to slam the door, that´s it, there is no way back.
Once I have detached emotionally, that´s the end for me.

I know you have given this enough thought and I would suggest for you to express your feelings, say things out loud, communication is really important here. Take it as your last try before you make your final decision.

If there is a reason as to why I never regreted to slam the door on someone is becuase I know for sure that I have tried "everything" before I got to that point.

Good luck and don´t be so hard on yourself, sometimes it is healthy to think of us first.
 

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Lotus Jester
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It takes ahelluva lot to doorslam someone one. I usually do everything I can think of to get the other person to treat me the way I need to be treated first; so usually I wouldn't open that door again because jus like @confused girl28 said, once I no longer care; that's the end.

However, I did open that door to an old friend who had hurt me very badly - albeit very reluctantly. I have to say that the time apart really changed our relationship and it was hands down of the best decisions I ever made.
 

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""INFJ Doorslam - What would you have liked to hear to get you to open the door again?""

Prefer to hear:

"I'm sorry for what I said, and/or did."

There's nothing more sexy and responsible about a person that can accept their part of a doorslam. It may only take one person to shut the other out of their life...but in another sense it takes two to create the circumstances leading up to that action. In my history of sparingly using this method, it comes only after several offenses unless they broke a cardinal rule. In those circumstances, the door might as well be made of steel and deadbolted.

Case in point: I purposely just made the choice to refuse to attend a conference this past week due to unsettling thoughts the person "might" even be there due to the fact that we are both in the same field of work. It felt nice to be in control of my own life and choices, knowing that there is this ability to self-protect and such. Also, it turns out that since it was my birthday weekend (today is my actual birthday) - was able to spend time with a wonderful and talented man that I'm enjoying getting close to. This week has been on of the best I've had in at least 5-7 years.

So in summary, suppose what I'm really trying to say is..."yes, when one door closes (as a previous poster pointed out) another one usually does open." It's almost like on being on the "Let's Make a Deal" TV show, except in real life. As an INFJ, I do get to choose which one to open, just have to trust my "gut" and hope for the best so I end up driving a Mazda home instead of a riding a goat, lol. But, I digress. :laughing:
 

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Can't say I've ever slammed a door due to an emotional response...

Had plenty of doors slammed in my face, which is great because by the time the door shuts, I've already moved on and I'm excited about the new possibilities that await. One closes, another opens. I love being ISTP.

I have an ISTP ex who's still a good friend. This would be exactly what he'd say word for word. He'd be bothered by ppl moving on but it's more of a puzzlement to him (I am so chill, why you don't want to hang out?). He had cut ppl out when he assessed that they were too toxic to the point of affecting his chill.

ISTPs rock!
 
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I like everybody as long as they are at a distance. I've never cut out acquaintances. If a person seems to have ulterior motive, I keep a greater distance that's all.


The ones I door slammed were all much closer at one point. One was a BF who cheated 3 months into the relationship. I cut him clean and never care to have any more contact. Another is a formal supervisor who threw me under the bus for his promotion; enough said.


I forgave a couple slammed ppl but not back to the level before. Time and place are different. I am and they are different. It's hard to get back to where it was. It's just a fact of life; a moving on.
 

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I think the doorslam that some here refer to is when you shut someone out without valid reason. Whereby doing so you’re actually hurting yourself. The reasons, fear of intimacy, guilt, etc. The irrational Fe overrides Ti. Do I get this right?
 

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I have an ISTP ex who's still a good friend. This would be exactly what he'd say word for word. He'd be bothered by ppl moving on but it's more of a puzzlement to him (I am so chill, why you don't want to hang out?). He had cut ppl out when he assessed that they were too toxic to the point of affecting his chill.

ISTPs rock!
Tell that to my ex wives. Not joking, I'll get their phone numbers, hang on...
 
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I've opened doors before, and others have opened doors for me too. There was one situation that made me close the door, she was a friend (INTP, for those wondering).. And even a couple of months after, the tension was ever present and my withdrawal is not hard for others to notice. So you can imagine this has taken a toll on some of my other relationships and other areas of my life. The fact that I have to see her everyday didn't make it any easier.. I didn't like her at all~ not at that time. In fact, It felt so much like hate. Everyone tried to push me to her, I didn't even know why they cared. It got to the point that I couldn't even look at her. She obviously stepped over one of my land mines. So how did I open the door? I kept reminding myself that no one's perfect.. That this isn't healthy at all. It was already unbearable. Slowly, I tried speaking to her.. A couple of words at a time. I learned to like her again. We're even close friends now.

Its rare for me, closing the door and locking it~Like seriously, doesn't really happen often. So you can imagine how hard it was to open it. No regrets.
 

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Open the door again? Yeahno…because the whole reason the door got slammed in the first place is some inherent part of that person really goes against my morals or against something I really believe in. Open the door again for someone who already got lots of chances? Not a chance.

I mean why would someone be soooo attracted to me after all that, unless it was truly for their own selfish benefit? And why would I consider risking hurting myself that badly again? I wouldn’t.

 

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I think the doorslam that some here refer to is when you shut someone out without valid reason. Whereby doing so you’re actually hurting yourself. The reasons, fear of intimacy, guilt, etc. The irrational Fe overrides Ti. Do I get this right?
I have never doorslammed without a super good reason.
 

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An absolutely sincere apology with no strings attached.

"I'm finally willing to humiliate myself enough to apologize to you because I miss you that much" is NOT good enough.
"I sincerely feel terrible about losing you and I'm sorry" will be appreciated but will not reopen the door.

"I've done a lot of thinking about what happened. I realize now that I did <> and it was terrible because <> and I sincerely feel bad about it, not just because I lost you, but because it was a disgraceful way to behave. And I realize now that it made you go through <>. I'm so sorry. Since then, I have gained so much self awareness and self control and I promise, for what it's worth, that I will never do that to you again. You can hold me to that."

If the <>s are accurate and nothing grievous is left out or defended, the door will be reopened. It is the only way it will be reopened.

Needless to say, it never happens.
 

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I think the doorslam that some here refer to is when you shut someone out without valid reason. Whereby doing so you’re actually hurting yourself. The reasons, fear of intimacy, guilt, etc. The irrational Fe overrides Ti. Do I get this right?
Then this is not a doorslam. It's impulsiveness. Or a caprice.

If I've had to describe it in functions I'd rather dare to say that Fe reached its limit of being safe and Ti is taking control. This is very rational.

This is not a game. It's serious as hell. Don't discuss with somebody's self-preservation. It won't work. Would you wan't it to work? Aren't you getting a little bit too far, huh?...

The point is: if I've finally closed the door - I don't want to listen anymore. It's as simple as that. I've had a reason to do that. This conversation is over. Period. This train is gone. Those birds flew away. The damage is done. You know what I mean... I want to say that denial is understandable. But it's a denial. No amount of bargaining will change that. Respect it and learn from the experience, or turn to hatred - whatever is necessary to move on. This is really the end.

(This is just my opinion. Feel free to disagree).
 

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I can relate to both those doorslams, but I don't think second chances are such a bad thing, after all people change. It's when they wreck the second chance that they would probably be door slammed for near eternity :p .
 

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I think the doorslam that some here refer to is when you shut someone out without valid reason. Whereby doing so you’re actually hurting yourself. The reasons, fear of intimacy, guilt, etc. The irrational Fe overrides Ti. Do I get this right?
I think in that case, it would be the other way around: Fe over Ti to me would mean: The person clearly by Ti logic ought to be doorslammed but Fe caring over rides logic out of concern for hurting the feelings of the intended doorslam.
 
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