Personality Cafe banner

INFJ/ENTP complicated relationship: any advice??

5732 Views 10 Replies 5 Participants Last post by  dreamflydance
Hi everyone! I'm new to Personality Cafe, but I'd really appreciate help in a situation I have with an ENTP. I'm an INFJ, but I put this in the ENTP forum because I am extremely confused by an ENTP's behavior and thought you might understand it better than I can.

So I have a very complicated relationship with an ENTP, but long story short, we met a little over a year ago and hit it off like nothing I had ever experienced before. I had never felt so comfortable or connected with someone in my life, and it was definitely reciprocated. We spent the entire week together, until we had to go back to our respective homes, 2000 miles and two time zones away from each other. We texted constantly for the next few weeks, continuing to share things that we hadn't really told anyone before, and it generally seemed like things were going well. But then he would randomly stop responding for a couple days at a time, and this kept happening, until it culminated in him not replying for a week and then telling me that he liked me too much to continue communicating with me, since he didn't think it could go anywhere due to the distance. I was floored, but we talked through it a bit more, until I'd agreed to cut things off.
However, as I thought about it, I became more and more bothered, so I decided to fly out to visit my sister (who lives 40 minutes from the ENTP) for fall break. We and his best friend (with whom I'm also acquainted) met up while I was out there, and things were instantly as comfortable and right as they'd been over the summer, except I'd periodically see him realize this and immediately act more distant from me. After the night ended, we talked a little more, I confessed that I was in love with him, and he said that he wasn't exactly sure if he was in love with me or not, but for my sake, we should cut off contact (for real this time) and I should find someone better and closer. I agreed, and once again wished him the best and resolved to never speak to him again.
Seven months passed without any communication between us. I gradually came to a point where I could see the rest of my life continuing without him in it at all, and I could maybe go about a day without thinking about him. But then, out of the blue, he texted me, to ask how things were going.
Back when we'd been in regular communication, I'd been planning to go to school about forty minutes from where he lived (he was aware of this), but over the course of these months, I'd decided to take a gap year abroad instead. I informed him of this, and he seemed a little disappointed but understood. We talked a little more and made plans to meet up when I visited the area again this summer.
The day of, he canceled because he was sick, so we rescheduled for the next week. However, as the date drew nearer, he started making excuses about how he thought it wouldn't be worth the time or how he was worried I'd miss my plane, so I finally asked him why he didn't want to see me, and he said that initially he had wanted to go out, but he'd realized it would cause him more pain than pleasure, because he still had feelings for me and I would just leave again.
We talked a little more about our circumstances and feelings for one another, eventually deciding that long-distance still wasn't a good idea, but that the distance really was the only problem. I flew back home.
We texted a bit over the course of the next few days, but he randomly stopped replying again. I sent him a few life updates (I ended up back in town near him again in August, I decided for 100% sure I was going abroad (I hadn't been sure and had asked his advice on it, so it made sense to me to let him know that I had decided on that), then finally said I didn't want to hear from him while I was out of the country because he'd distract me), things like that. Still nothing.
Unfortunately, my visa to live in the other country for the year didn't come in time. However, the school I'd once planned to go to was still willing to take me, so I ended up about 40 minutes from him after all. I've been here for a few weeks, but only told him recently (along with asking if he wanted to catch up like we'd planned to do over the summer), because I didn't want to be too overbearing and I wanted to give myself a chance to settle into my new home first. But he didn't reply, and now I'm at a complete loss for what to do. I thought that us finally getting to be together would be a nice silver lining for things going so far from what I'd planned on for the year.
So ENTPs, do you have any thoughts? Do you have any insight about this disappearing game? He struggles a lot with his mental health, so I've been inclined to not take it personally, but I'm beginning to think I'm wrong about that. At this point, the ball is in his court, but I have no idea what could have changed in the last couple months to make him no longer want this or to make him ignore me again. Anyway, sorry this is so convoluted and long, but if you have any ideas for where he could be coming from in this, or any ideas for how I could salvage this, I would appreciate it very much.

Thank you!!
See less See more
1 - 5 of 11 Posts
I think he has tried to say he does not think it is healthy for him to be on a rollercoaster of emotions, and it is probably important for you to show that you understand his emotional position/perspective in this situation ... I don't think ENTPs necessarily share the same sense of destiny as is more natural for INFJ, in particular INFJ females (like you and me) - I think it can tend to feel like we are pushing others into our storyline, with a sense of destiny others may not be inherently comfortable with. I hope this helps make sense to you of what the difference may be on a general level between how INFJ and ENTP could interpret the same situation from somewhat dissimilar emotional perspectives
Hmm, I've never thought of that storyline/destiny thing before, but now that you mention it, that is definitely one of the main ways I view the world. I really have tried to understand his emotional perspective, and I've tried to respect it (I didn't not contact him for so long because I didn't want to talk to him, things like that), but I guess I could ask what the best thing for him would be? It's just hard, because it has never been my intention to hurt him--what I want more than anything is for him to be happy--but at the same time, I need to stand up for myself and my needs, and I can't maintain this push and pull forever.

We lose interest in items that are not in front of our faces, real quick.

He has emotions and feelings for you and it scares him to have to
deal with them. It is easier for him to just rip the band-aid off at this point.

We are easily confused by our emotions and the usual course of action
is to eliminate the assumed cause of the emotion in the first place.
This will allow us to feel "normal" and in control again.

An ENTP does not like to feel trapped. Emotions trap us. Or so
we think. That is how we see a lot of emotion. As a crippling
mechanism that creates doubt and uncertainty in our lives.
It is a loss of control. Instead of breeding that emotion and
nurturing it into a fruitful end game. We crush it like a bug.
Ignore it. Pretend we dont have it. It scares us.

As a stereotype anyhow. I am usually too feel-y for ENTP type so
typically ENTP dont agree with my feel-y thoughts. Short of
older ENTP who have kids and what not.
This was very insightful, thank you!! I can see and understand this process, even if it's not one that I would ever engage in. I think you nailed it precisely.
With us xNTPs, we severe emotional ties quickly if need be. Honestly, I don't know how you could mend it. Not with the information given. It seems much more him than you, though. I'd be happy to help however else I could.
Wow... okay. This was kind of what I feared, but I guess there was a part of me that hoped this wasn't the case. However, one question: as far as severing emotional ties goes, my understanding is this is what he attempted to do last fall when he cut things off, and he wasn't successful then. Do you know why that would be? I've always observed ENTPs as people who bounce back rapidly and fall in and out of love very easily, so this seems odd to me, and maybe significant. And do you possibly have any insights for why he'd try it again now, when things could potentially work out this time, were it not for his belief that it can't? It seems to me (this is probably *very* INFJ though) that if he has found himself unable to move past this for the last year, then maybe it's worth taking a second look. I don't know, just letting go of a connection like this purely out of pessimism seems incredibly tragic.
@Time and Mind I think you're probably right about the too many emotions thing; this summer we definitely were not talking every day like we had right after we met, and he was becoming more and more agitated. It didn't even occur to me that he might think of my going abroad as his fault--in reality, he was a big part of what made me doubt that decision, but I knew that since I'm at a point in my life where I really need to prioritize myself and my own growth, and we weren't even together, that that would be a decision I'd regret for a very long time, especially if we broke up. I'm honestly not sure if he still has feelings for me or not. My inclination would be to say yes, since he was unsuccessful in ridding himself of them over the course of the school year, and I don't know why two months of summer would suddenly change that, but I could be wrong. Texting something short and simple like that might work? I would have assumed he'd find that annoying. But I do have a tendency to send incredibly long and rambly texts. I guess that's the difference between different types haha
See less See more
1 - 5 of 11 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.