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INFJ/ENTP complicated relationship: any advice??

5733 Views 10 Replies 5 Participants Last post by  dreamflydance
Hi everyone! I'm new to Personality Cafe, but I'd really appreciate help in a situation I have with an ENTP. I'm an INFJ, but I put this in the ENTP forum because I am extremely confused by an ENTP's behavior and thought you might understand it better than I can.

So I have a very complicated relationship with an ENTP, but long story short, we met a little over a year ago and hit it off like nothing I had ever experienced before. I had never felt so comfortable or connected with someone in my life, and it was definitely reciprocated. We spent the entire week together, until we had to go back to our respective homes, 2000 miles and two time zones away from each other. We texted constantly for the next few weeks, continuing to share things that we hadn't really told anyone before, and it generally seemed like things were going well. But then he would randomly stop responding for a couple days at a time, and this kept happening, until it culminated in him not replying for a week and then telling me that he liked me too much to continue communicating with me, since he didn't think it could go anywhere due to the distance. I was floored, but we talked through it a bit more, until I'd agreed to cut things off.
However, as I thought about it, I became more and more bothered, so I decided to fly out to visit my sister (who lives 40 minutes from the ENTP) for fall break. We and his best friend (with whom I'm also acquainted) met up while I was out there, and things were instantly as comfortable and right as they'd been over the summer, except I'd periodically see him realize this and immediately act more distant from me. After the night ended, we talked a little more, I confessed that I was in love with him, and he said that he wasn't exactly sure if he was in love with me or not, but for my sake, we should cut off contact (for real this time) and I should find someone better and closer. I agreed, and once again wished him the best and resolved to never speak to him again.
Seven months passed without any communication between us. I gradually came to a point where I could see the rest of my life continuing without him in it at all, and I could maybe go about a day without thinking about him. But then, out of the blue, he texted me, to ask how things were going.
Back when we'd been in regular communication, I'd been planning to go to school about forty minutes from where he lived (he was aware of this), but over the course of these months, I'd decided to take a gap year abroad instead. I informed him of this, and he seemed a little disappointed but understood. We talked a little more and made plans to meet up when I visited the area again this summer.
The day of, he canceled because he was sick, so we rescheduled for the next week. However, as the date drew nearer, he started making excuses about how he thought it wouldn't be worth the time or how he was worried I'd miss my plane, so I finally asked him why he didn't want to see me, and he said that initially he had wanted to go out, but he'd realized it would cause him more pain than pleasure, because he still had feelings for me and I would just leave again.
We talked a little more about our circumstances and feelings for one another, eventually deciding that long-distance still wasn't a good idea, but that the distance really was the only problem. I flew back home.
We texted a bit over the course of the next few days, but he randomly stopped replying again. I sent him a few life updates (I ended up back in town near him again in August, I decided for 100% sure I was going abroad (I hadn't been sure and had asked his advice on it, so it made sense to me to let him know that I had decided on that), then finally said I didn't want to hear from him while I was out of the country because he'd distract me), things like that. Still nothing.
Unfortunately, my visa to live in the other country for the year didn't come in time. However, the school I'd once planned to go to was still willing to take me, so I ended up about 40 minutes from him after all. I've been here for a few weeks, but only told him recently (along with asking if he wanted to catch up like we'd planned to do over the summer), because I didn't want to be too overbearing and I wanted to give myself a chance to settle into my new home first. But he didn't reply, and now I'm at a complete loss for what to do. I thought that us finally getting to be together would be a nice silver lining for things going so far from what I'd planned on for the year.
So ENTPs, do you have any thoughts? Do you have any insight about this disappearing game? He struggles a lot with his mental health, so I've been inclined to not take it personally, but I'm beginning to think I'm wrong about that. At this point, the ball is in his court, but I have no idea what could have changed in the last couple months to make him no longer want this or to make him ignore me again. Anyway, sorry this is so convoluted and long, but if you have any ideas for where he could be coming from in this, or any ideas for how I could salvage this, I would appreciate it very much.

Thank you!!
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I'm INTP but act rather ENTP among people. I've actually been in very similar situations. His feelings for you are genuine, however, long distance doesn't work with us. Originally, this seems to have been the problem. He messaged you, because even though he knew it wasn't the best idea, he couldn't help himself. When you then visited him, he distanced himself because he knew he had to. At this point he's made it up in his mind that it is best to let this end, and move on. Even if that's likely not what he genuinely wants, he's decided it's the best course of action for him. With us xNTPs, we severe emotional ties quickly if need be. Honestly, I don't know how you could mend it. Not with the information given. It seems much more him than you, though. I'd be happy to help however else I could.
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There is always the chance he'll text you out of the blue. We're predictably unpredictable, even to ourselves. Especially with ENTPs, life can be more just acting things out than thinking them through. What I believe is this: He felt he was dealing with too many emotions he couldn't handle and didn't want to. So, he stopped replying. Though, it could be the case he just didn't want to message every day. Then, you told him you definitely decided to go abroad. Maybe he thought it was partially his fault, that you were mad at him for cutting off communication again. So, at this point he may have totally severed ties and mentally moved on. After all, there is no point in continuing a relationship of any sort with you being abroad for the year. Then, you message him saying that you ended up near him after all. At this point, if he still has feelings for you, he's confused for sure. To deal with this emotional confusion, we immediately cut the wire. No more confusion now. Your most likely way to get a response is to ask him something short like, "Are you mad at me?" sweet innocence strikes a cord in our hearts we can't control. Worse case scenario, you're back where you started. Best case scenario, he responds.
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