This is something that cannot be changed about her. There is nothing you personally can do to change it anyway. It's a trait that most ESFPs have, and it's ingrained. They have a deep fear of revealing anything negative about themselves. It's very important to them to maintain a happy-go-lucky persona. They would feel terribly ashamed if anyone knew they had dark feelings inside, because those feelings are unacceptable to them.
If you want to continue as a close friend, the best thing to do is to simply accept her as she is. She may be encouraged to talk about deeper things if you are able to gain her trust, staying by her through whatever comes along. Or you may not. I would say it's a long shot. I've been married to an ESFP for 15 years, and I can probably count the number of times he has truly opened up to me in a shockingly honest way on one hand. They just don't do that unless they either feel forced into it, or they are in such mental distress that they have to to relieve the pressure. And they definitely won't do it unless they trust you implicitely.
If you want her to understand some of the deeper things you like to talk about, try to relate it in some way to some of the people you both know. ESFPs love people, and love to talk about people. In fact, that's pretty much all my ESFP likes to talk about.
Yeah, I noticed that. I don't really know if I can be friends with her, since I know that even as someone she considers a truly close friend, there will never be a guarantee that she'll open up to me. That's a big barrier. When she has opened up to me (only a few times, and not really about life-changing things), it's always nice, but it's not even close to as often as I need, as an INFJ. I've told her everything I think/dream about, everything I strive for, all the sordid stories from my past... in the hopes that she'll reciprocate. But it just doesn't seem to be important to her.
Anyway, I'm not saying she's not a good person. Just that it will be hard to be friends with her on a long-term basis. We seem to do better in writing, when she feels more comfortable with talking about things (apparently-- we Skyped a lot the past two summers). I don't know how you managed a marriage with that-- maybe you have some tips that could transfer to friendship.
It isn't easy. That's all I'm going to say about that.
Truthfully, I need advice myself on how to cope with it. In 15 years I haven't figured it out. One thing I do know is that it's really important for you to have at least one other close friend who is an intuitive. You have a better chance of mutual understanding that way.
And the other is that you simply have to be accepting of your ESFP freind. It's important to get to the point where you can be okay with them as they are, not always trying to look deeper or find more meaning in what they say. And like I said before, if it's important to you to try to convey some understanding of an idea that you feel really strongly about, you have to bring it down to earth for them, ground it in the reality they are in by providing real life examples of the idea at work. They don't like concepts or theory, but they do like people, so try to relate it to that.
One good thing about them is they can help you become more balanced. They'll get you out and about, encourage you to try new things and be spontaneous, and basically just help you have a great time. If you can see the value in that, then you will enjoy an ESFP.
And one more thing, whenever I talk to Talon (one of our ESFPs on PerC) about any question I have about my husband, he usually asks "What did he say when you told him how you feel?" So talk to her about it. Talon says that ESFPs generally need you to spell everything out for them, they are not going to be able to guess. And you may have to do it repeatedly in my experience.
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Related Threads
?
?
?
?
?
Personality Cafe
10.9M posts
165.6K members
Since 2008
A forum community dedicated to all ranges of personality types and people. Come join the discussion about health, behavior, care, testing, personality types, and more!