Personality Cafe banner

INFJ-ESFP Friendship

[INFJ] 
20K views 10 replies 8 participants last post by  Gracie 
#1 ·
I wanted to ask if anyone's had problems with ESFPs in the past. I currently have someone I'd consider my "best" friend (and who has labeled me as such, too, in the past) who is definitely an ESFP. Because of that, she has a lot of more "shallow" relationships-- and since I'm an INFJ, I long for deep, meaningful friendships that are almost spiritual, in a way.

Anyway, there's a lot of problems with the way she views friendships (treat everyone nicely, don't let anyone in) and how I view friendship (get to know a few people as meaningfully as you can). It's always been a problem, but I feel like I've driven her away by sort of insulting her point of view, and insinuating that I should be her only good friend.

So... has anyone else had this problem? If so, how do you reconcile those two points of view?
Thanks!
 
Discussion starter · #5 ·
Humilis-- your friendship dynamic might be usurped by the fact that you've known each other forever. In that way, you've kind of forced the ESFP to become close with you. My ESFP even had a built-in excuse for not having friends for longer than a few years-- she was in a military family.

My friend definitely doesn't have a warrior persona! In fact, your friend who has that might not be an ESFP at all, because one of the defining elements of ESFP is willingness to talk to anyone, to be friends with anyone, and to avoid conflict as much as possible with everyone. It's something I USUALLY appreciate, but when she won't open up to me and tell me how she really feels, it gets frustrating.
 
Discussion starter · #8 ·
This is something that cannot be changed about her. There is nothing you personally can do to change it anyway. It's a trait that most ESFPs have, and it's ingrained.
Yeah, I noticed that. I don't really know if I can be friends with her, since I know that even as someone she considers a truly close friend, there will never be a guarantee that she'll open up to me. That's a big barrier. When she has opened up to me (only a few times, and not really about life-changing things), it's always nice, but it's not even close to as often as I need, as an INFJ. I've told her everything I think/dream about, everything I strive for, all the sordid stories from my past... in the hopes that she'll reciprocate. But it just doesn't seem to be important to her.

Anyway, I'm not saying she's not a good person. Just that it will be hard to be friends with her on a long-term basis. We seem to do better in writing, when she feels more comfortable with talking about things (apparently-- we Skyped a lot the past two summers). I don't know how you managed a marriage with that-- maybe you have some tips that could transfer to friendship.
 
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top