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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm going crazy and need a sounding board! I would love some insight as I have lost perspective!

I have been "seeing" a man who I think is an infj .(Jackpot..!?)


He replies to my messages and always agrees to meet up and when we meet up he always stretches it out to the wee small hours of the morning if he can- it's exhausting actually- it's usually 10am til 2-5am!


Sometimes he messages me first, or messages me to see if I still want to meet up on the weekend, but most of the time it's me asking him to meet up with me... Maybe I just keep beating him to it, but I'm always worried I'm not sending the right signals so I try to be extra encouraging in messages.


He hasn't said he likes me, or finds me attractive, or given me any compliments... Other than saying I'm kind or that I did something kind. But he reads articles and books I tell him about and recalls random things I mention about my friends or family.


Last time we met he hugged me hello and hugged me goodbye- prior to this there'd been no physical contact.


He's told me 2 or 3 times that he wants me to stay when I talk about my visa expiring.


Sometimes when we meet up he is really shy and awkward, and even guzzles down drinks in a way that seems out of character- I would say he's seeking Dutch courage. Other times he's very confident and more of a leader.


Our conversations send such mixed signals. He's told me all the protective things he'd do for a girlfriend, and then with me he'll let me walk home across the city alone at 2am without batting an eyelid, and he's happy to let me pay my share when we go out.


I keep taking the initiative, because I tell myself that maybe he's love-shy and also confused re. our cultural differences and doesn't know how to interpret my behaviour. I very much behave like a friend, and like I do with most people, and I don't exactly stare lovingly into his eyes, though we often exchange furtive smiles, and glance at each other when something strange or amusing happens.
And we do keep seeing each other every possible weekend for the last 1-2 months.


Plus there's a language divide- we speak each others language well enough, but when it comes to deep and meaningful conversations, the lack of access to complex language can be frustrating for both of us I think- hating small talk and wanting meaty topics.




And if we are both infj, I understand the interest in taking it slow and building a friendship first... But I'm supposed to leave in a month...I need to know where we stand before I change my whole life for him.


I'm a shy rejection-fearing infj (who often presents as an enfp, esfp when meeting new ppl) and I find it excruciating putting myself out there to try and build something with him, when I'm living off bare fumes and speculation about his feelings.


I have trouble staring into his eyes if we're not talking- it seems so intimate and forward to me... But I guess if I don't do that, I limit opportunities for deepening our connection, showing my feelings, and setting up a kiss.


I guess I should just talk it out with him. But as it is I feel (rightly or wrongly) that I'm the one pushing for us to keep meeting up etc. and I feel bruised about it- especially after he didn't mind me walking home alone at night in a dangerous city... He did message me to check I got home...


I tell myself that as an infj, he's trying to adapt to my perceived western independence- re. letting me pay for myself, and walk through the city at night. If so, I can appreciate that, but it just comes across as him not really caring, especially as in his culture, every man is expected to pay for a girl and escort her home, even without a romantic connection.


Man... I'm leaving in a month, but if he wanted to be with me I would put my life on hold and spend a fortune and jump through hoops to secure a new visa. But I don't want to upend my life if from his end there's nothing but casual friendship, curiosity about a foreigner, or even mild interest.


Any one care to share their observations about my situation.


As an infj male do you think he sounds keen? And how would an infj male want me to proceed?

I'm an infj but have no perspective on this, and I definitely see differences in him as a male infj- especially as he comes from a very patriarchal culture which probably isn't kind towards a sensitive and passionate infj- he's a weird mix, but I'm super keen... 馃槪
 

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Regarding his choice to let you walk home alone, there are a lot of reasons he might do that. Your independence theory is a possibility, but it might also be down to simpler things like shyness, knowing the suggestive nature of walking a girl home, or a simple lack of consideration for the risks a girl might face. As a guy, a walk home at 2am is rarely a scary thing. It might seem stupid, but we can forget that might be different for a girl.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Yeah I guess my qualms about that were related to his cultural norms. After he left, his friend was alarmed that I was walking home alone (cultural thing) and escorted me, so the contrast struck me. Perhaps it doesn't indicate anything in regards to him being an infj? You're right there could be a lot of reasons. I shouldn't get too hung up about it.
 

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As an INFJ male, I wouldn't be alarmed at him letting you walk home.

I got together with a girl yesterday that I'm fond of, and still let her take the train/bus home. If you come off as very independent to him then he might be unsure as to whether you want him to escort you to your place of residence (even more so if he hasn't been there). Particularly if it's not "officially" a date. If you both haven't labelled your get togethers "dates" then yes, we're going to be very weary about crossing that boundary where it might appear like we're making it a date, when you haven't clarified that you want it to be, even if we do like you. I often do the same as him and text to make sure the person is okay and home safely. It's our very shy and unencroaching way of communicating we care about your well being, even if it would have been more appropriate to just take you there. However, if it were me, I would've probably treated you to whatever you're doing. When I take out someone I'm fond of, I don't even think twice to cover the bill for the both of us. But that's just me, other guys might not be as generous, especially if it's strictly a hang out situation.

You might have to make a more clear sign of your intentions if you want things to advance sooner than later, otherwise he'll probably just keep going along with these hangouts waiting for an appropriate opportunity for some intimacy, but never pushing for it (if he's looking for more). We like building things sometimes very slowly and hate to come off as trying to move things ahead prematurely, if we can't visually determine that you're on board. You could say we're kind of wusses in that regard, but it's just due to our over sensitivity for others and tendency to be a little too considerate. We usually become like this because of pushing things in the past with someone due to our once raw, brimming Fe, and it not ending well (usually this happens multiple times early on in our lives). So we're just super cautious in moving things forward, knowing the potential consequences.

Simply put, you're going to have to put your feelings out there somehow. Give him the a-ok to pursue something meaningful with you. Otherwise he might just continue to bide his time, and possibly eventually give up on the thought of becoming more with you (sometimes we'd rather give up, than make a move that might ruin a good bond).
 

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Maybe he doesn't want to be the reason for any of your future regrets. Nothing is guaranteed.

I think you need to make the choice yourself as to not put that kind of pressure on him.
 
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Um, where have you been all my life?

 
I might be a complete idiot, but you should definitely give him something like that.
 
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@Katethequick

You are leaving in a month. If you want him to think of you as being a part of his future you need to show him that you are willing. INFJ's are dreamers, and its hard to dream of someone in our future if you're already gone. If you like him, tell him. You may like playing chess, but if he's really and INFJ and is very likely comfortable with being very straightforward. Just tell him how you feel, worse case he says no. The sooner you find out, the sooner you guys can move things along to see if you really want to keep things going.

Overall, it sounds like he enjoys your company but is scared of falling for you. (or hesitant for some other reason, if he didn't like you, you wouldn't be around him at all.)
 
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