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Hey guys I'm an entp and Ive been talking to a infj for a couple months (mostly texting and occasionally seeing each other in groups) and in the last 3 weeks I've been taking more intuitive and asked her to go on a couple dates. we've been on three dates. she said she dislikes technology and doesn't text much but as of late we have been texting a bit every day. every time we are together in person its electric, really really enjoyable, we have intense deep convos, and she stays late even though she's been exhausted every time I've seen her. but then I asked her to to go out again (after two dates in one week) and now she's been really short or ignores my texts. side note every time we go out she texts me and says she had a wonderful time. I'm quite confused I don't know what I could have done to put her off. any ideas?
 

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maybe repost in the INFJ forum, and if you don't mind, elaborate a little.
Introverts can sometimes just take time away to have that introvert time.
I know with me, I become really attached to people in spurts
but even when those spurts end, and I disengage for a while..
It doesn't mean I've forgotten about the person.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
thanks for the suggestions I will do that. can I ask why do you disengage for a while? and how long does it take for you to come back to the person?
 

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@flowart
She just sounds tired to me. 3 dates in 3 weeks? Sounds terribly exhausting!

But yes, I also disengage, albeit probably for different reasons than INFJs.

When I'm going to meet up with friends, it's all I can think or worry about and I just want to be able to forget about it and get lost in my own world and attend to my own matters. In the moment, I am focused on taking in every piece of information and every word possible. Then, when I am alone at the end of the night, I spend a few hours going over everything and considering the implications of it all.

For the day of and the day before, I usually don't have time to think about the things I'd like to think about, like my book or my future or the many series I am currently into.

If I don't disengage for a while then I can't tend to my greatest cognitive function, and in turn, I become irritable, detached, cold etc.

INFJ sister of mine feels similarly. She needs time alone to be able to unwind but also to figure out everything with Ni. Unlike me, she plans her conversations, jokes etc so that everything matches her perfect vision.

As for how long it takes us to "come back," it depends. She's friendly and talks to people briefly all week in a group setting, but doesn't have any intense conversations or spend a lot of time with any one person. I, meanwhile, spend most of the week relatively silent, going to classes and not talking to anyone in them unless they talk to me first, but then spend 4-10 hours with 2 or 3 friends on Saturdays and have intense, driven conversations. I prefer to do this twice a week and have little to no superfulous conversations, whereas she prefers to have intense interaction rarely if at all. But she'll stretch herself to once a week, preferring every other week.
 

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thanks for the suggestions I will do that. can I ask why do you disengage for a while? and how long does it take for you to come back to the person?
I disengage for a while if it gets too intense, like if someone wants to contact me like all the time, I can take it for a while, but then I start to need time for myself. I guess cuz I'm such an empathetic person, I kinda lose myself in other people's thoughts and feelings, and I need boundaries to "find myself" again. How long depends. Sometimes I need a couple days or just a day, sometimes months. It depends on how much I like the other person's company.
 

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I disengage for a while if it gets too intense, like if someone wants to contact me like all the time, I can take it for a while, but then I start to need time for myself. I guess cuz I'm such an empathetic person, I kinda lose myself in other people's thoughts and feelings, and I need boundaries to "find myself" again. How long depends. Sometimes I need a couple days or just a day, sometimes months. It depends on how much I like the other person's company.
Exactly! The things that make me feel like me are things I do alone, and if I always think about someone else, I feel like I'm not quite myself. I'll get lost in the opinions and emotions of others and I want to figure out my opinions and emotions.
 

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you guys make socializing sound exhausting haha. but if you really like someone wouldn't you want to spend time with them all the time? and as infj's if someone did that to you how would that make you feel?
it is exhausting for introverts, as often an introvert has more of an internal world. Sometimes, I'm right there waiting for a notification, sometimes I'm so caught up in a project that I forget my phone even exists. It really depends. Idk about other INFJs but it's really important for me to have a little time every day to focus on activities that have personal meaning to me, and to be able to just focus on that. But, like I said, if I like someone, I typically just need a day or so to myself every now and then, and I'll get back to that person.
 

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INFJs do this, idk why. Even on Youtube, they'll delete all their videos and never be heard from again
 

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@flowart Socializing is exhausting for me, so being alone is just as important as sleeping is for my personal wellbeing. If I really enjoyed the company of someone, I would stay up late with them. Staying up late with someone I care about is fun and exciting and I would remember it fondly. But at some point, if I keep doing this, I'll collapse. My health will deteriorate. I won't be able to function well from day to day. So as an individual, I have to understand that I need to sleep healthy amounts to function and I need to know my limits. All of the same rules apply with directly engaging with someone.

As for how I would react if someone did the same to me, they do. My introvert friends and family and I will all outright tell each other "Yeah, I'm just too tired to talk right now," or "not in the mood to talk."

That's why it's a good thing that you recognize this girl is an introvert, and that's a key advantage of MBTI-- you get to know that she just functions differently.
 

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Sounds like she is digging you more and more. I know it can be confusing, cause maybe it's also confusing for her. Maybe she hadn't met anyone that can relate so well and maybe that scares her. So if you really like her, just be patient and don't change. Maybe she's going through a difficult moment in her life. Don't give up on her. Just send her a text that shows her your concern. Never lie to her. Simple as "I think about you and I've been worrying cause you seem so distant". If you do really worry about her, she will know that and she will come around. If you are pure of heart and have no hidden motives, she will eventually come around. If she really is an INFJ, she will come around.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Sounds like she is digging you more and more. I know it can be confusing, cause maybe it's also confusing for her. Maybe she hadn't met anyone that can relate so well and maybe that scares her. So if you really like her, just be patient and don't change. Maybe she's going through a difficult moment in her life. Don't give up on her. Just send her a text that shows her your concern. Never lie to her. Simple as "I think about you and I've been worrying cause you seem so distant". If you do really worry about her, she will know that and she will come around. If you are pure of heart and have no hidden motives, she will eventually come around. If she really is an INFJ, she will come around.
will she continue to disappear as this continues or will that stop?
 

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Constant texting, group hangouts and multiple dates in a week is too damn much for me. I'd pull back too, not necessarily because I'm not interested, but because I want space and alone time. That's too much too soon, not ghosting. She's probably tired.

Relax and maybe stop texting her [call instead] since she said she isn't a fan.
 

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@Birbsofafeather @dulcinea
you guys make socializing sound exhausting haha. but if you really like someone wouldn't you want to spend time with them all the time? and as infj's if someone did that to you how would that make you feel?
I definitely need space, even from people I really like. Read the lyrics to "Leave Me Alone" by P!nk, lol. It's the ultimate introvert love song.

If someone cooled towards me after a lot of hanging out, I'd be a little paranoid but I'd also realise that they probably need alone time to process everything. I'd back off and wait for them to contact me. I do admit though, that the backing-off would be 50% respect for their space and 50% fear that they've gone off me.
 

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What I put out was just one side of the coin. Have you found out what causes her to be exhausted? Have you been just talking about yourself all the time? What have you learned about her? 3 dates by now, you should at least know what her dislikes are. If you haven't than, she probably found you to be "all about yourself"
 
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