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Ok, I feel a bit silly coming here to blab about my super secret crush, but I'm starting to go a bit crazy in my own head wondering about this guy, and I have to get it out! I'm hoping some INFPs can give me some advice and/or insight.

A few months ago I met this INFP guy through one of my good friends, and I really liked him from the start, if only as a friend. We connected on an intellectual level at first, spending time talking about books & writing, etc, which makes me giddy because I've spent most of my life loving those things in solitude.

As I learned a bit more about him, i realized we have so much in common --similar family issues (nonexistent & abusive parents, feeling like we were the only responsible ones in the house even as kids) and have struggled with some similar emotional problems because of that. Neither of us are very trusting, to say the least. We are the ones who hear other people's problems and life stories, and we attract some of the craziest people just by sitting together. :laughing:

I really don't know how this boy is still single. He is kind and cute and funny and smart and so many levels of awesome. He's incredibly giving and has a hard time disappointing people (a trait which is now making it difficult for me to tell how he really feels, as you can imagine). I love talking to him, he's one of those people that everyone wants to open up to. And what's more, I love listening to him -- he's quite introverted, but when he comes out and gets talking I feel really lucky.

Anyway, the problem is this. We're both undergrads - he's a sophomore & I'm a freshman - and we both withdrew from school this semester because we were feeling pretty depressed and unfocused. Since January we'd both been spending time in our own rooms, wouldn't go out, etc, so we didn't see each other much. Now I'm home (1000 miles away) and kicking myself because I feel like I missed out on something potentially great. While I'm here I don't want to lose his friendship, not just because I'm so far. He is actually leaving for Africa soon to work for a nonprofit there for the summer. We've promised to stay in touch.

Back when we still barely knew each other, we were walking through the quad late at night, lagging behind our friends, and he told me that he did something 'creepy' and looked up my biography on my scholarship program's website. It is a short bio about my high school activities and goals for the future - I was so embarrassed to write it, but i was honest about my love of writing, how i believe that understanding people, that telling their stories with compassion, can change the world, etc etc. He told me that when he read it he got chills and he said that I was inspiring, that I was a good writer -- essentially, he said all these things that made me turn to mush and I had to take several breaths before responding. This is generally the effect he has on me.

A few days ago I sent him a message telling him hello, asking him how he was, and saying that I missed him. I said 'to be honest, I loved talking to you' and mentioned that he is the first person I've met who seemed to care about certain things (like writing, idealist-type things, lol) the way I do, and wanted to talk about it. I apologized for not being a better friend this semester, that I wasn't fully myself and I regretted not seeing him more. And then I just mentioned that i thought we must have been dealing with similar things, and told him briefly about my own sense of purposeless that made me leave school. I don't want to talk about myself so much that I dominate the conversation, but I also know that you have to show trust to earn trust.

He wrote back in ten minutes, saying that my message 'made his day,' and that he 'feels so happy now' and that it's crazy how much we have in common. He said that now all he had to do was compose a 'worthy response.'

He hasn't written back and it's been a few days, but I'm not concerned about that because I'm the same way -- I need to be in a kind of 'zone' before answering to messages like that, and I need time to process.

I am good at reading people, and I know that I have to be careful not to be too pushy or too aloof -- it's hard because my tendency is NOT to put myself out there. At the same time, I don't think he'd make a move unless he knew I liked him in that way. He's incredibly kind, but I can't read into that because he's kind to EVERYONE, he never says a harsh or critical thing to someone's face, and even goes out of his way to make promises he can't keep just so he doesn't have to tell someone no. I just get the sense that he wouldn't tell me if he didn't like me because he wouldn't want to hurt my feelings. At the same
time, I can't tell if the attention and kindness he shows me is really anything more than friendship. And I also know he won't say if he does like me, because he's shy.

I'M GOING CRAZY HERE. Not to mention my own insecurities are bubbling up - I don't think I'm very attractive so I have a hard time imagining anyone else thinks so, let alone this guy who has a million pretty girls as friends.

I'm so sorry this was such a long post -- I am just so clueless about how to proceed, how to read him, etc. He's clouding all my people-reading abilities and it's driving me crazy. Good crazy, i admit, but still crazy! :)
 

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glasspagodas:

I am an INFP guy or rather INFX as I get about 50% P and 50%J. I am also shy and try to be kind to people and have difficulty saying no. I have a degree in psychology and I thought it would give me perspective but I'm still as shy as ever.... ahhhh. :blushed:

So it seems I share a few tendencies with this young man you're interested in.

I have a suggestion. One time when you guys are chatting, would you be able to direct the conversation to talking about love? You could disclose things about yourself and how you would show your interest in someone or how you like to be courted and ask him about his preferences. This will be indirect enough so that he won't feel pressured and you won't feel hurt if he shies away from discussing his feelings towards you, but you will learn about him from his reaction to your self-disclosure and also statement of his preferences.

A few other things to consider:

Your attraction to him is mostly based on how similar he is to you. That is fine for friendship but a romantic relation may complicate things a bit. Be clear about your expectations. Do you accept him fully as he is right now? If there are minor things that bug you, like his emotionality (not emailing you back til he is in the right mood), notice them and try to think if these things could bother you in future. The reason I say this is that a failed romantic relation may damage your friendship and it seems to me that your friendship has been a source of joy and happiness to you both.

Also, he may not be ready for a romantic relationship. Had he had girlfriends before? Long-term relationships? You may be at that stage but he may not be. I do not open up to people easily and the deeper the relationship gets, the more cautious I become. So go for it, but slowly, and try not to personalize it, if it doesn't happen. His shyness and sensitivity may come between you even if he is deeply in love with you.

Hope it helps.
 
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I'm and INFP and I am extremely hard to read at times. I become so unsure of myself and I can end up convincing myself that I am undeserving of something that is good for me. So many times have i let opportunities pass me by because I was too scared to be a disappointment. If he's anything like me, he might be thinking that the circumstances you guys are in is too great to overcome to make this relationship work. If he is also insecure about the love he can offer, then it's going to be hard for him to show his feelings the same way you showed yours.

That's what i would be feeling anyways =/

Persistence will generally soften any insecurities he has about himself or the stability of the relationship
 

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In all honesty, there will be no telling if he likes you without putting yourself out there. As an INFP, even I think we're probably the hardest to read.

glasspagodas:
I have a suggestion. One time when you guys are chatting, would you be able to direct the conversation to talking about love? You could disclose things about yourself and how you would show your interest in someone or how you like to be courted and ask him about his preferences. This will be indirect enough so that he won't feel pressured and you won't feel hurt if he shies away from discussing his feelings towards you, but you will learn about him from his reaction to your self-disclosure and also statement of his preferences....So go for it, but slowly, and try not to personalize it, if it doesn't happen. His shyness and sensitivity may come between you even if he is deeply in love with you.

Hope it helps.
Couldn't have said it better myself. Just know, we're... Well, you'll have to ask yourself if you can deal with how INFPs are so tough to read. I know I personally frustrate the hell out of my boyfriend, cos he can't "read" me. But, he says it drives him insane in a good way. There's not much you can do but ask, and he's most likely to be honest. You two definitely at least have some connection, whether it be good for a romantic relationship or an amazing friendship. Both are satisfying, right?
 

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Find him, talk to him one on one, be open, and he'll like you. Or if he doesn't, he will.

I would.

Or maybe that's just me, because no one does that for me really, so that's how I'd react. If he's got "a million pretty girls as friends" I'm not sure then.

But I suppose that an INFP would love someone who would get to know us well.
 

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He said that your message made his day. I think it's highly likely he thinks a lot of you. The way I see it, you live 1000 miles away from him, you've got nothing to lose. Just tell him the way you feel. If it were me I would find it really flattering and lovely that I made someone that happy and they thought that highly of me, even if I didn't want a romantic relationship with them. You've got nothing to lose, if he's as nice as you make out he'll still be your friend even if you admit you have a crush on him and he's not interested. I know I would. But to me it sounds like he might like you.
 

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Ok, I feel a bit silly coming here to blab about my super secret crush, but I'm starting to go a bit crazy in my own head wondering about this guy, and I have to get it out! I'm hoping some INFPs can give me some advice and/or insight.

A few months ago I met this INFP guy through one of my good friends, and I really liked him from the start, if only as a friend. We connected on an intellectual level at first, spending time talking about books & writing, etc, which makes me giddy because I've spent most of my life loving those things in solitude.

As I learned a bit more about him, i realized we have so much in common --similar family issues (nonexistent & abusive parents, feeling like we were the only responsible ones in the house even as kids) and have struggled with some similar emotional problems because of that. Neither of us are very trusting, to say the least. We are the ones who hear other people's problems and life stories, and we attract some of the craziest people just by sitting together. :laughing:

I really don't know how this boy is still single. He is kind and cute and funny and smart and so many levels of awesome. He's incredibly giving and has a hard time disappointing people (a trait which is now making it difficult for me to tell how he really feels, as you can imagine). I love talking to him, he's one of those people that everyone wants to open up to. And what's more, I love listening to him -- he's quite introverted, but when he comes out and gets talking I feel really lucky.

Anyway, the problem is this. We're both undergrads - he's a sophomore & I'm a freshman - and we both withdrew from school this semester because we were feeling pretty depressed and unfocused. Since January we'd both been spending time in our own rooms, wouldn't go out, etc, so we didn't see each other much. Now I'm home (1000 miles away) and kicking myself because I feel like I missed out on something potentially great. While I'm here I don't want to lose his friendship, not just because I'm so far. He is actually leaving for Africa soon to work for a nonprofit there for the summer. We've promised to stay in touch.

Back when we still barely knew each other, we were walking through the quad late at night, lagging behind our friends, and he told me that he did something 'creepy' and looked up my biography on my scholarship program's website. It is a short bio about my high school activities and goals for the future - I was so embarrassed to write it, but i was honest about my love of writing, how i believe that understanding people, that telling their stories with compassion, can change the world, etc etc. He told me that when he read it he got chills and he said that I was inspiring, that I was a good writer -- essentially, he said all these things that made me turn to mush and I had to take several breaths before responding. This is generally the effect he has on me.

A few days ago I sent him a message telling him hello, asking him how he was, and saying that I missed him. I said 'to be honest, I loved talking to you' and mentioned that he is the first person I've met who seemed to care about certain things (like writing, idealist-type things, lol) the way I do, and wanted to talk about it. I apologized for not being a better friend this semester, that I wasn't fully myself and I regretted not seeing him more. And then I just mentioned that i thought we must have been dealing with similar things, and told him briefly about my own sense of purposeless that made me leave school. I don't want to talk about myself so much that I dominate the conversation, but I also know that you have to show trust to earn trust.

He wrote back in ten minutes, saying that my message 'made his day,' and that he 'feels so happy now' and that it's crazy how much we have in common. He said that now all he had to do was compose a 'worthy response.'

He hasn't written back and it's been a few days, but I'm not concerned about that because I'm the same way -- I need to be in a kind of 'zone' before answering to messages like that, and I need time to process.

I am good at reading people, and I know that I have to be careful not to be too pushy or too aloof -- it's hard because my tendency is NOT to put myself out there. At the same time, I don't think he'd make a move unless he knew I liked him in that way. He's incredibly kind, but I can't read into that because he's kind to EVERYONE, he never says a harsh or critical thing to someone's face, and even goes out of his way to make promises he can't keep just so he doesn't have to tell someone no. I just get the sense that he wouldn't tell me if he didn't like me because he wouldn't want to hurt my feelings. At the same
time, I can't tell if the attention and kindness he shows me is really anything more than friendship. And I also know he won't say if he does like me, because he's shy.

I'M GOING CRAZY HERE. Not to mention my own insecurities are bubbling up - I don't think I'm very attractive so I have a hard time imagining anyone else thinks so, let alone this guy who has a million pretty girls as friends.

I'm so sorry this was such a long post -- I am just so clueless about how to proceed, how to read him, etc. He's clouding all my people-reading abilities and it's driving me crazy. Good crazy, i admit, but still crazy! :)
You're killing me. This is like a love story. You're making me want to search every forum and mbti listing for INFJ's in the world. As for if he see's you as a friend or not.... well.... can't tell you for sure. But .... people that understand us are few and far between. To find someone that connects on the level you two do.... that's very ... very rare. I doubt he is just passively knocking you off as just some friend. But that's just my take.
 

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You're killing me. This is like a love story. You're making me want to search every forum and mbti listing for INFJ's in the world. As for if he see's you as a friend or not.... well.... can't tell you for sure. But .... people that understand us are few and far between. To find someone that connects on the level you two do.... that's very ... very rare. I doubt he is just passively knocking you off as just some friend. But that's just my take.
^^^^
/Agree
 

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i'm an INFP guy and frankily i think you should just go for it, we feel more intense emotions than we let on
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Wow, thank you for all of your responses! I think that reading what you all have said has made me feel a bit more grounded, which is good because I live my life with my head in the clouds. :)

He did write back to me and basically said that he had been feeling the same way that I did when we were at school, and that we withdrew for exactly the same reasons. He also said that he missed our conversations, and wished he made more effort to hang out with me at school. He admitted that he was too self-conscious to put himself out there. I know what he means. We were both pretty depressed, and anyone who has been through that knows how difficult it is to reach out -- the tendency to self isolate is painful, and it's worse if you are shy to begin with.

I admit that my stomach did a few backflips when he said a bunch of really sweet & complimentary things -- that I am "obviously a brilliant, talented and caring person," and that I "deserve nothing less than total happiness." Also that we share the same beliefs and opinions about almost everything. :) But my brain is NOT reading into that stuff, those are things you might say to a friend.*Part of me wants to say, "Total happiness?! My total happiness includes you, in case you haven't noticed." But I won't.

I'm just going to follow everyone's advice and just keep talking to him, keep being open and as honest as I can. I'm still struggling with that eternal question, which everyone who has ever fallen for a friend has asked themselves -- that is, is confessing my feeelings worth jeopardizing our friendship? Right now, the answer is no. Some of you guys say that even if he doesn't feel the same way in return, our friendship won't be any different, but I don't think that's true. Even the best friendships have been eroded by those kinds of confessions. I think that for now, I'd rather feel in silence and enjoy his friendship. I will keep my eyes peeled for an opportunity to talk about love and relationships and such, like conscius mentioned.*

I think it's interesting that several of you have latched onto some of the 'flaws' I mentioned noticing in him: his not replying to messages right away, his tendency to say yes, his unreadability. It's a bit like being asked, "Are you SURE you won't mind this?"*

I am sure -- about as sure as one person can be about something like this. It's important to ask those things. But *to me, there are dealbreakers and then there are flaws. The stuff I've mentioned about my friend are the things that comprise a bit of who he is. I want the person who loves me to accept me for me, flaws & neuroses and all that -- so I'm always going to do that for those I care about. So... no big deal. :D

Thanks again to everyone! I will keep this thread updating if anything good happens. :)
 

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your description of this guy makes me feel inadequately nice. :crying:
 

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I have qouted this a million times on personalitycafe as my battle-cry and life motto. And I shall qoute it again, here, for you and your INFP boy:

On this worst of all possible worlds
On this planet of perpetual sorrow
I've found the best of all possible girls
She's as pure and white and bright as tomorrow

- Rowland S. Howard
 

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I don't want to be a party pooper, I really don't, but I'd like to put things in perspective for you. According to Socionics INFp (INFJ MBTI) and INFj (INFP MBTI) are quasi-identicals.
Quasi-Identical relations between psychological ("personality") types
Socionics - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
As it says: these are relations of major misunderstanding.
My experience with INFJ's confirmed this for me.

I've been in love with an INFJ before and it really seemed we connected. I never connected to anyone on the same kind of level before, same kind of views, interests and ideals and it was quite romantic, but in the end I don't think we ever fully understood eachother. Her mysteriousness was what attracted me so much. Mysteriousness: misunderstanding. In the end misunderstanding crumbled the relationship.

When you compare the cognitive functions of INFP and INFJ they are actually almost eachothers opposites:
INFP
Fi Ne Si Te Fe Ni Se Ti
INFJ
Ni Fe Ti Se Ne Fi Te Si

You might like to take it with a grain of salt, this is only my experience and some crazy theory that rang a bell for me.
I really believe INFP and INFJ relationships could work out very well.

I wish you all the best luck with this guy!
 
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the fact that he said"you deserve nothing less than total happiness" is almost a completly clear sign he likes you, and from personal experience and what i've seen on this forum is that INFP guys are very unassertive, if he reals likes you he wouldn't want to risk your friendship by trying to have a relationship, and you should ask him as soon as your ready
 

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...

I've been in love with an INFJ before and it really seemed we connected. I never connected to anyone on the same kind of level before, same kind of views, interests and ideals and it was quite romantic, but in the end I don't think we ever fully understood eachother. ...
Interesting - I am experiencing the same currently

I am seeing a girl who has tested as an INFJ - I am INFP - despite lots of similarities in attitudes towards a multiple variety of things I dont think she understands me... BUT I have NEVER met anyone who has really understood me ...so I have to content myself that part will not be fulfilled.

IS an INFJ INFP relationship hopeless ...NO...she has said that I am the best man she has ever met and loves me - I think the same

Ultimately you have to choose what you are needing - love or understanding? If its the former then it can work if its the latter...:sad:
 

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lol I thought you had a crush on me, I am almost in the same situation as the INFP guy. :D I think he's a little unsure. I am sure if you tell him how you feel, he will certain accept it. He say "it made my day", if I said that to someone, that person made a huge impact to me and the person is someone very important to me. Oh one thing, I tend to do little things extra to the person I love more than the average people, but I'm shy so I would do it in a way that she won't notice it. I'm not helping, right? xD
 

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Tell him his secrets are safe with you, tell him you will be there for him. Then keep his secrets safe and never turn your back on him. He will be yours forever.

I am an INFP guy who has been happily married to an INFJ girl for 11 years. When I met her, I was so afraid to tell her how I felt (which is exactly how he must feel) because I didn't want to screw it up. She had an effect on me nobody else had before.
Give him some time, he will come around.
Good luck, I hope you two are together forever. Not many people connect like that, on such a deep level.
 

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I had almost identical situation with my current infp boyfriend!
It was just so SLOW in the beginning, but my intuition just knew I had to be patient. And it was the right thing to do. (actually it was good for me too to take things slow, I have had entp boyfriends which fell so hard for me and wanting to meet me all the time which made me feel I couldn't breathe) But still I really wondered if he truly liked me. It took such a long time before I felt he really loves me. He would be so surprised, but oh Hari are you STILL uncertain about my feelings! In a way that was good that I cried and was uncertain in front of him because then he would tell me in words (even though I LOVE that he shows his love to mostly in a action) that I am the one of all he knows that he wants to spend time with the most, that he has the most fun with, that I am beautiful etc...
He is the best man in the world, and I also wondered how he could have been single for such a long time. I am his first real longtime relationship and it is a great feeling because there is such a deep bond between us!
I get sad when I read about this quasi-identical problems. I hope it is not true. I hope that it is just one of the challenges in a info-infp relationship, just as there would be other challenges in other combinations. We talk a lot when something isn't right and I hope that will prevent and bridge the special infp-infj challenge.

One off-topic question: sometimes he is so intense and I feel his love just radiates from him when we're intimate, and sometimes he can feel a bit absent. is this something that is infp or maybe just my boyfriend?
With my entp boyfriend that would never happen, he would always be 100 %, confirming in bed, very Fe...(but never deep connection, just like sexual attraction) That can make me insecure sometimes. But still, the day after I can feel the deep radiant love again, that I never ever felt from my entp boyfriend. It is sort of a "larger-than-life"-feeling. Heavenly.

Back to thread: It seems like you have something and I hope something happened between you two!
 
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