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Hi all,

I'm an INFJ and have been with my ISTP boyfriend for a year and a half now. Two months into our relationship, he went travelling, and I found out when he got back that he had kissed another girl when he was drunk. He had also been messaging other girls inappropriately.

He told me it was all a mistake, he was greedy and selfish and had booked the trip before we got together, and so wanted the best of both worlds - to have a good time whilst away and have me still waiting for him when he got back.

I tried to forgive him, but throughout the past year it's almost like I've been scared to forgive in case it happens again, and it's like I have been constantly punishing him for what he did all those months ago. There has been a real lack of trust in the relationship. As a result, he found it hard to be honest with me when he went to Paris a few weeks ago. He went for a meal with a group of people, and a particular girl I'm uncomfortable with was there. I only found out about this meal from one of my friends, as he hadn't told me anything about it. I also found out that he deleted messages between him and this girl.

I know for a fact nothing happened and that that the messages weren't inappropriate, but he felt that he couldn't tell me because I would get upset/annoyed (I probably would have). However, I feel that there is even less trust in the relationship now, as I have told him so many time to please be honest with me about everything.

I felt pretty betrayed by all of this, and asked him in a letter to tell me anything else he feels I should know. He then told me that when he had been travelling at the beginning of the relationship, he had tried to kiss another girl after he kissed the first girl.

I know that he was a different person back then and it was over a year ago now. I don't think he would cheat on me again, but I get a lot of anxiety when he is out/away somewhere.

ISTP's - have you ever cheated or done something like this yourself? And if so, why? Also, what helped you to change?

Any thoughts on whether I should forgive and trust again one last time or whether I should quit while I'm ahead?

Thanks
 

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cheaters are scum and should be treated as such. Drinking alcohol is no excuse.


So no, I've never personally cheated and never will.


Forget that fool.
 

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ISTP's - have you ever cheated or done something like this yourself?
No.

Any thoughts on whether I should forgive and trust again one last time or whether I should quit while I'm ahead?
There are problems in your relationship and that's why he can't stay faithful. Without understanding what these problems are, there simply isn't enough information for us to be able to give adequate advice.
 

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Sounds like someone who isn't ready for a monogamous commitment -- it's not specific to his type. Like he told you, he wants "both worlds."

To be frank, he sounds like a waste of your time and a potential source of future heartache. I'd be exhausted if I was with someone who did all of that sneaking around.
 
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Since when is a kiss cheating? I guess we all have different boundries then.
 

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I mean, there's such thing as emotional affairs as well.

Cheating isn't always having sex.
I mean… in this vid you see 'a kiss'. Can't believe someone actually did this compilation! x)
 

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I also have similar problems with ISTPs, I think it's from how differently we view things.

First as an INFJ you really spend a lot of time on figuring out what's the problem and how to solve the problem when it comes to relationships, however for ISTPs they do it very simply. I think for him it never really was a trust issue problem, more like "I did something wrong and hurt her and I will try to stop doing it again". But because they didnot spend too much time going into the INFJ's head to figure out what was really the issue (never expect anyone to do this honestly for an INFJ...), so he will do things like I'll delete the message because if she saw it she would be upset although it were only normal texts.
For example my best ISTP friend often ignores me when he's stressed because he need to be polite with strangers and I am "own people". After I told him I was a bit annoyed by this, instead of being more communicative he just stopped talking to other people too.

So.... ye with ISTPs because the reversed function stack it's an uphill battle if you want to carry on. But indeed there is also a lot to learn from the ISTP too.
 

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This is not type related and something y'all need to talk out if you want it to resolve it.
 

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ISTPs prize freedom. Relationships are stifling. If you two are having sex he will continue to hang with you, even while he uses his freedom to enjoy other women. I think he has already demonstrated that to you. Would he be less than candid with you about what he is doing? You bet.

The question in his mind may well be how long he can keep using you for sex. The question in your mind may be how long you are going to let this happen, and can I turn this situation around.

This is not just about type. Women tend to seek out a man committed to them alone and call that a relationship. Men are biologically driven in a very different direction. Conflicts in relationships abound as they can be a struggle.

There is a saying among men that is bare-bones truth: You can’t live with them, and you can’t live without them. ISTPs may be more freedom loving (or restriction hating) than most other types. Some ISTPs are going to chafe when there is a bit put in their mouth or spurs put in their sides.

Good luck with this. Personally, I think you are wasting your time.
 

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I was in a relationship with an infj for 3 years.
He was insanely possessive, neurotic, and jealous.
He probably doesn’t reflect the type, but he did teach me that even imaginary breaches of trust (I am and was very faithful until he raped me) have an impact.

If the trust isn’t there, he probably isn’t for you.
It is a matter of matching values.
If you need someone highly monogamous who never makes you feel doubt, that is ok.
It appears this man cannot, that is all. It is a case of mismatched values.

Talk it out and see if you can get closer, or end it.
Or cheat on him and get even.
That would be hilarious.
 
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