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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Hey everyone, so this is my first post here. I'm a definite INFJ, have consistently done multiple tests over years and always get the same result.

I know we are great at intuition, and I often can read situations my friends are in without a problem. Trouble is I can't read this situation I'm in right now, infant tell if this guy likes me. I'm fairly sure he is INFJ, but he may also be INTP or at a stretch INTJ.

We met at a party 3 months ago, talked for 2 minutes and seemed to connect easily. I got pulled into another conversation and before you know it he had to leave. We added each other on Facebook.

Over the following weeks we made small talk on Facebook Messenger until he started asking me if I would be attending events our mutual friends were holding. The first time he asked me, I couldn't and he said that was a shame. The tone of our conversation became more personal though. He was asking me about my childhood, favourite movies, my work schedule, my ideal job etc. At one point we discussed a television show I liked - that night he went and watched the entire episode and came back to me the next day with a critique of the episode! I was shocked at that point and started to really think that he was taking full notice of what I was telling him.

Over the following weeks we saw each other at a mutual friends dinner and talked a lot. I need to clarify, I already have a boyfriend - and this guy knows I have a boyfriend, in fact my boyfriend and him know each other. My boyfriend however is asexual, we haven't had sex in 3 years and I've tried to talk to him about it but he just tells me to go and have sex with other men, however as an INFJ I think you all can understand that isn't in our nature. If I did that, I'd be falling in love with someone else. So at this said dinner my boyfriend and I were there. This guy talked with us both. However after this dinner, the conversation I had with him died right down. He pulled right back.

I brought up with my boyfriend that if he can't at least see a counselor to work on our sex life, then we may need to take a break and re-evaluate the relationship.

Go forward another 3 or 4 weeks, this other guy and I start chatting online again. He knows I still have a boyfriend. I ask him to casually meet for a coffee one day. He agreed. The entire 2 hours we sat there and didn't stop talking. We just totally clicked. Neither of us could stop asking each other questions - we talked about our childhood, religion, environmental issues, past times, hobbies, our families.

After this we continued to chat online, but he was very what I would call "restrained". He would always have a deep philosophical question for me every day but would only write one message to me daily. No texting back and forth multiple times a day. In a week or two I asked him to catch up on the Saturday, he said he couldn't as he was busy. I thought maybe he didn't want to remain in contact - but come Friday he was asking what I was doing on the weekend. We didn't meet that weekend as we were both very busy.

The following week again we would message daily. But only once every day. He would come online to message me, but then remain off Facebook the rest of the day. I thought this was odd as previously he would be on fwcebook regularly through the day. I was talking about a new movie that had come out, he asked me if I wanted to see it with him - when I said sure, he asked if my boyfriend could also make it. I got the feeling he didn't want to feel like we were doing something underhanded without my boyfriend. I said he could come and have some suggestions of times, but they didn't suit him. Eventually he said "why don't you and I go together, and your boyfriend can come next time".

We met on the arranged day and had lunch then watched the movie. All through the movie previews we didn't stop talking. Him asking me about my favorite authors, movies etc. He shared stories about his childhood and hobbies - things I got the feeling he didn't often share. After the movie he asked me "do you and your boyfriend actually ever see each other very often?" I just said "sometimes".

Our most recent interaction involved him asking me about if I had ever thought about having children, or ever moving to another country. I then asked him if he could recommend a good novel for me to read and he went away and came back with a big explanation as to why the book he chose for me would be good for me with my interests etc. He said "I've got a copy, you can borrow mine when we see each other next"

Last weekend I had a long talk with my partner and said I need a break for a month and if he wants to go and get therapy he can initiate that while I'm gone because I've given him lots of love and care and support in his refusal to have sex with me, but after 3 years i can't go on like this for much longer.

The thing is this guy is very hot and cold. He seems to ask me probing questions that certainly go deeper than the surface. He has asked me about my relationship with my boyfriend. But then he retreats and becomes a man of very few words for a few days. I don't know if I'm just dreaming about him and I being together so I'm reading more into the situation than what is already there.

However I am very lonely, physically and emotionally. As an INFJ we have a hard time leaving bad relationships as we tend to be idealistic. I can't continue with my partner like this. Next week I'm going to insist over Christmas we go for a period of no contact so we both can reflect on of the relationship is right for us or not - and I want to see if he makes a proper move to go and get therapy in my absence.

However what do you fellow INFJs think about this other guy? Do you think he is interested in me romantically but keeping a lid on his feelings? I know us INFJs tend to have high moral standards for us and others so i know I don't want to overstep a line and I'm sure he doesn't either. Could this be what is holding him back? Would it be wrong for me to talk to him about how I'm feeling and getting some clarification from him even while I remain with my current boyfriend?

I'm sorry I know this is a long post. As I'm writing this I feel guilty I even need to ask these things - i really shouldn't even be with my partner anymore, 3 years with no sex is ridiculous and I should have left a long time ago, all I can put it down to is me remaining ever optimistic that things will change so I remain in the hope that things do. But I really don't think they ever will.
 

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He's a boyfriend. Not a husband. What's with the guilt with regards to trying to find a better boyfriend? Feel free to reflect on that for a second and make a normal decision with regards to what you feel is better for you. There is no reason other than a personal obligation to stick with him. You haven't said your vows, have you?

If you want something he's not giving or capable of giving, what is therapy going to achieve? Is a therapist suddenly going to make him want to have sex with you? I don't follow your line of thinking here at all.

If you like this guy, take the next step. If he likes you, you'll find out. If he doesn't like you, you'll find out. I don't see a problem in taking a break from your current guy to pursue someone you like better.

To me, the guy is obviously hot and cold because you're in a relationship. That's kind of a duh reaction here.
 

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I would find it very difficult to commit to any person who had a boyfriend on the sidelines. I would be cool about it but underneath I would not want to risk being hurt or hurting someone else.

If you were a free agent things would be different for me. I would commit more, I would feel safe to move the relationship to the next level. He is just being careful and looking after himself.

What man in there right mind would date a woman with a boyfriend, certainly not an INFJ boyfriend. He seems to be giving you the right signs and is respectfully waiting for you to get rid of your current “friend” he isn't a boyfriend in the true meaning of the word he is just an asexual friend. That's cool he can be who he needs to be but he needs to go. Your needs are not getting met. Start caring for yourself and get what you need.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Thank you for all your replies. I've tried so many times to break this relationship off. You know how as an INFJ we have a tendency to idealize our partners. I think I'm still holding out things will change. In my heart I know they won't though. I can see the potential we have, but I know it's just a fantasy - it's me being idealistic.

I've thought about asking for a month break to try and process it and see how we feel being apart for a month. Does this sound like a good idea?
 
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